Is it always this difficult? For anyone?

[mylifeisruined]

Hello, I have been with the same guy now for 8 years. We were teens when we first met. He was very possessive and obsessed even at the beginning. But as a teen, I was stupid and naive. We ended up having 2 kids together but never got married - thank god! There was every single type of abuse in this relationship that you could imagine! Physical, lots of mental abuse, sexual abuse, and mind games.

 

The physical abuse started almost near the beginning. I was about 3 months pregnant with our first child and he slapped me because I said something he didn't like and that moment on changed my life. He started getting worse after the baby was born... shoving me, punching me, throwing things at me, spitting in my face, belittling me, calling me fat after i had the baby (even though I lost it all), made fun of my stretcg marks. He had a rough childhood and I am sure he saw lots of this himself growing up but it's no excuse for how I was treated.

 

I got tired of it and started fighting back. If he cornered me then I try to throw a punch in. My skinny little arms didn't do much though. But he blamed me for a bruise he had on his face that he got from someone who saw what he did to me and beat him up. But supposedly I was the one that did it. I weigh 115 lbs and he weighs 210 lbs... I could never over power him.

 

He had taken advantage of me while passed out from a night of drinking. Even though I was on my period so he tried anal even though he knew I would never do that even sober. I just felt so low. He has made me sooo depressed through these years that I just want to vanish from thiw world.

 

I tried councelling with him twice. He refused both times stating that he didn't have a problem. SO I went myself. Made my mind clearer. The icing on the cake waw when he threw me around like a rag doll one night busting my chin, cracking my tooth and putting 9 staples in the back of my head.

 

I am trying to move on with my life. Right now I am sooooo depressed. I had such a wonderful childhood that, if I could, I would want to relive my life so that I wouldn't ever end up meeting him. Even if that means that I wouldn't have had my 2 beautiful girls. I love them so much with all my heart - but I feel that they never deserved this in their life. I want them to have the childhood I had and not their father's. But it looks like they might go through his foot steps.

 

I have recently told this guy that I want to move on. I have told him that I want to be alone for a little while so that I can re-find my place in this world. If that means that I don't find someone for years to come so be it. The last thing I want to do right now is be with someone. He tells me that he understands but then he says he doesn't. After being seperated for only 2 days he calls and tells me he thought about everything and felt that I had enough time to think things over and that i should come back to be his beautiful girlfriend.

 

He tries to manipulate me and play games with me that I just feel like I have no more dignity left inside of me. I am a beautiful 25 year old woman and I honestly feel like my life is over.

 

Even though I know what's right for me to do not only for myself but for my kids as well, why is it so hard??? My family supports me 100% but I still feel so all alone. I feel like no one has heard me out and is doing enough to help me in this time of desperation.

 

Right now I am at my mom and dads but I really would like to get my own place to just get away from everyone so I can concentrate on myself and get better for the kids. But it seems like the matter has been brushed under the rug.

 

This guy has no respect for me... i am tired of him controlling me. He digs through my stuff, hacks into my computer and if he finds anything ( which I have nothing to hide) he makes such aan ordeal out of it that I can't do it anymore. I am terrified of coming around him just for the emotional attacks that he does to me.

 

What can I honestly do? I am still going to counceling but I hear the same things every time. Has anyone been through this before? Can anyone give me any advice that I haven't already heard. I have already been putting my foot forward but very slowly because he keeps holding me back... I need some advice......

[amaysngrace]

 

He tries to manipulate me and play games with me that I just feel like I have no more dignity left inside of me. I am a beautiful 25 year old woman and I honestly feel like my life is over.

 

Even though I know what's right for me to do not only for myself but for my kids as well, why is it so hard???

 

My family supports me 100% but I still feel so all alone. I feel like no one has heard me out and is doing enough to help me in this time of desperation.

 

This guy has no respect for me... i am tired of him controlling me.

What can I honestly do?

 

i know what you're going through. it's hard to leave an abusive guy. he made you feel so low inside that you have to start from ground zero. he took everything you had inside, and made you believe his words about yourself. but it's not true. you know it's not true at all what he says to you.

 

you sound like your family is very supportive of you. this is a very positive factor in everything. you have them to fall back on. stay with them and realize your situation is not permanent. things will change. and you will get back on your feet. it will just take some time and a plan.

 

i know there are programs for single mothers. i heard of one girl who got funding to become an LPN, and they even paid her gas to get there. is your counselor from a women's center? they have a lot of information in women's centers. if you are interested in what's available, you can ask them.

 

i know you feel real down right now, but it's only temporary. you have to be good to yourself now, because of the way he was so horrible to you. you have been busy with the girls and you have neglected to take care of you properly.

 

your life is hardly over. but hopefully soon this one ugly chapter in it will be. stay strong and positive. focus on yourself and what you want out of life, because by now, you sure know what you DON'T want.

 

good luck and a big hug to you!

[mylifeisruined]

I would like to just say "Thank you" for replying to my post. It's like there is a brick wall blocking me from pursuing my hapiness. I feel like I am chiseling my way out of the wall but it's taking so long because all I have to work with are my fingers. There is a small hole but I see the light on the other side of the wall and I really want to breakthrough but it'll take some time yet.

 

Just last night we had a talk and HE wants to have the house and HE wants to keep the SUV so that I am left with the small 2-door car (with the 2 kids which is hard when you only have 2 doors). I am the one that was walked all over and stomped on during the relationship and all the good things I did went un-noticed... why am I the one who is being chased out of the house??? What did I do wrong?

 

But... since I want out of this relationship so bad... I guess I just have to suck it up and go ahead and leave him with everything because I am so tired of fighting and talking about the same thing. He knows exactly where I stand but he won't take no for an answer and he keeps pushing the matter that I should just get over it and "just" change to make things work. But I can't lie to myself anymore. I want out of this mess.

 

So now he decided he will stay at a hotel for a week while I stay in the house with the girls and he's giving me a week to make up my mind even though I have told him time and time again that I want to be on my own. He says I make him feel so horrible and make him feel like he's a monster.... am I being horrible to him by wanting to move on with my life and not wanting to be in this relationship anymore? Am I the bad-guy here because I want to leave? Should I feel sorry for him because he's feeling down that I want to leave or is it just another one of his manipulative games? Thanks for the advice!

[FreeMe]

Please don't go back to him. You've gotten away from him alive; now stay away. I know it's hard to let someone go, even if that person is abusive, but NOTHING good can come out of you going back. Don't let your daugthers grow up seeing their mom beat up, belittled, and disrespected by their father and herself. Be strong - you've got a place to live right now and no good reason to go back to him. If you can afford it, maybe you should get back into counseling.

[REDRUM]

PLEASE stay away from him & thank God that your children still have their Mom around.

 

I hate seeing stuff like that & rememeber your one of the lucky ones at this point to still be alive. No human deserves to be treated like that.

[amaysngrace]

you are not the bad guy here. you are the one with standards of behavior you will or won't accept, for yourself and your children. how can that possibly make you a bad person? it makes you a strong one. you have decided to take the hard route because you know it's the right route. be proud of your stand and be proud of yourself. what you're doing takes courage. what he does takes none. you have your whole life ahead of you. live it happy.

 

PS most abusers treat their SO the nicest when they fear abandonment from them.

[overseas2004]

Its not that I dont pity you but I do not understand what is hard about being away from a guy who put a crack in the back of your head? I am sorry but anyone who stays with a man who has done and stayed as long as you have has issues. And you need to resolve them so that you dont end up with someone like him again.

 

I only had one boyfriend who has ever hit me and I hit him right back. That was the last time he did it and if it had not been I would have left him.

 

Over the years I have suffered more crap bulls*** from men than you can imagine and I refuse to deal with it. I would rather be alone. The bottom line is that you should feel that way too. There are men out there that are nice and sweet and will be there to support you.

 

Dont waste anymore time being with ones who wont.

 

ANd by the way, I know you feel pain even though it is unreasonable to feel this way. I know it hurts. May God be with you.