17 Years Together - Any Hope Left?

[Lost434]

I've been with my spouse for almost 17 years, we have two kids, both boys, ages 15 and 12. Two weeks ago she told me that it was over and that she wanted me to move out. This came about because I accused her of having an affair, due to a phone call that I received. Prior to that, the thought never crossed my mind. She is not that kind of person, and she's never away from me or the kids. But she had done a couple of strange things (for her) over the past couple weeks, so I blew it all out of proportion. Anyway, since this began I have been trying to figure out what is behind it. After getting bits of info from her, I understand. I basically have been ignoring her, not spending any time with her, making promises and not keeping them, lying to her, essentially being very inconsiderate. Somewhere along the line, I began feeling that she did not care for me anymore, so I left her alone. Neither of us communicate with the other AT ALL. I knew that she got mad at me sometimes and did not like some things that I do, but I figured it was just a small thing and that it didn't really bother her that much. And I have things that bother me about our relationship, but I've been afraid to tell her how I feel because I was afraid of being rejected. So neither of us really knew how the other felt. Now that things have exploded, I have told her how I still feel about her, and how important she is to me, and why I haven't told her these things before. After she explained to me how I had been hurting her emotionally, I wished I were dead. I have offered to do what ever it takes to try to salvage our relationship, I am so sorry for hurting her, I didn't know that I was. I love her more than anything in the world, and I feel like an empty shell everytime I think about life without her. She is VERY angry, and because I have lied, does not trust my word at all. She is unwilling to seek professional counseling, or to try to work it out privately. I have told her how sorry I am, and she does believe that I am genuinely sorry for hurting her, and she says that she does still love me, but still wants me to move out. If I had realized how I had been hurting her 8 or 9 mo. ago, I would have changed my behavior, but instead of us talking, she just let it build up until now. I told her that I understand that she doesn't trust me (no I haven't cheated on her), but let me show her that she can. That I would earn her trust back by showing her not making promises and breaking them. I've never loved anyone like I love her and even after this many years, it still scares me. Her family does not like me and wants her to get away from me, but they don't know as much about what is going on as you do if you are reading this. She doesn't talk to them either, unless it's to tell them what I did that pissed her off. She thinks that I hate her family, but I don't. I just get tired of her sister always sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong. (Her sister and I are the same age, and she thinks she knows everything, and I know that I know everything, so we have a personality clash there. Other than that, the only thing that I have said is that I'm tired of her single 36 year old brother coming over on weekends 2 or 3 a month on Friday, and staying until usually Sunday night, and laying around, doing his laundry. I haven't ever told her why it bothers me, I just now realized. It bothers me because he is taking up the time that I think should be mine to spend with her. Is there anything that I can do to save this relationship? Or is she better off without me?

[Outcast]

I basically have been ignoring her, not spending any time with her, making promises and not keeping them, lying to her, essentially being very inconsiderate.

 

This is a textbook case of how to kill someone's love for you. It's too bad you didn't behave better. I doubt she'll give you another chance. You did too much damage. The time to moderate your behaviour is before you've driven the person who loves you away. Remember that for any subsequent relationships.

[Audrey1]

What did you lie about?

[Zetter]

I guess I'm wondering if this is something that was prevelant in your relationship the eintire time, or if you just began to ignore her recently? It is strange how you can slot relationships into certain categories, for mine was similar to yours. The important thing is to recognize the issue as soon as possible, which it seems you have done. I would suggest counseling, and if your wife doesn't want to go, then go alone. I went alone and learned a great deal about myself, and will use that knowledge with my estranged wife or with the next person. Knowing that someone is taking steps such as that should at least let her know that you are serious about fixing things. In the end, you guys have a lot of history, and I wouldn't throw in the towel. Keep trying and show her that you are really working on the deficiencies from your end. It may take a long time to get back what you have lost in terms of your intimacy, but it will be worth it whether or not you two work it out or not.

[Becoming]

My husband and I have gone through many of the same things for a looooong time, too. He's done many of the same things as you, and we're working it out, but it's hard because there's just so much pain. It'd be easier some days to just walk away--except for our two amazing kids and the fact that despite it all, we're too great people whose childhood issues got played out in ways that were destructive to both of us. We weren't even conscious of it at the time and habits being what they are, we just set up destructive patterns of relating that we couldn't seem to get out of. We're spending a bundle on marriage counseling but it's cheaper than divorce and it's sloooowly turning around for both of us as we intentionally work on a better way, tho some days we fall back into the pit of the old patterns.

 

All of this is to say that it really may not be too late even now. She may just need the space to sort things out because she's in such pain. But you're going to have to be willing to change your behavior and court her once more with patient persistence. Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com for great stuff on why we fall in and out of love in the first place and for things that we do that destroy marriages and how you can start turning it all around. I keep promoting this website because I wish to God I'd known all this stuff when I first got married and because it really does work.

 

You're right that lack of time is an issue (bro-in-law issue). When my husband learned that research shows that good marriages have couples spending at least 15 hrs./week in meeting one another's emotional needs (more if the marriage is in trouble) it was like a light bulb going on. We took the questionaire about what each other's emotional needs are (they're different for each of us) and we started doing those for one another. We go out one night a week and we look at the material from the website together and talk about the things there. Somehow being away from home seems to help us stay focused on solving the problem instead of playing the blame game.

 

It may not seem like it because she's probably acting out of her pain, but hearing you say you would've liked to have died when you heard how much you hurt her would really help. Tell her the things you've posted here and make your behavior cohere with the words. She fell in love with you once. Make her remember why.

[Lost434]

Audrey,

I will be happy to post what I lied about, if you can tell me why it matters? It already says that I was not unfaithful, so as long as that is said, why does it matter? I am asking genuinely, because I do not see that it does, but if you do, please help me understand why.

[Lost434]

Becoming, I thought also that she probably needed to know that I felt as badly as I do for hurting her, but she really did not want to talk to me, so I sent her a dozen long stem roses at work, along with this that I wrote the night before;

 

I watch you sleeping and know that you’re near me.

 

Having you close eases my mind…

 

I long to hold you and tell you what you mean to me but I don’t have the words…

 

When I touched your hand, I felt like a child must feel when they find their mom after a bad dream.

 

In that brief moment that I held your hand, so many memories came rushing back, as if they happened yesterday.

 

The gentle softness of your kiss, the first time that we made love…

 

The warmth that ran through me when you held my hand…

 

The feeling of absolute bliss when you would fall asleep with your head on my shoulder…

 

The bewilderment that I felt when you said “I Love You” the first time…

 

How did I get so lucky?

 

All of those memories and feelings like they were brand new…

 

How could I have hidden them away for so long?

 

How could I ever cause you pain after the way that you have made me feel?

 

I always try to be the strong one, until now, I thought I was.

 

Now I see how weak I have been…

 

All of these years spent not doing what was important, showing you what you mean to me.

 

That moment of happiness that I felt tonight was so wonderful…

 

A feeling that you deserve to feel every day.

 

I’m not sure if I have the ability to make you feel as happy as you have made me feel…

 

I may fail trying, but that will only be decided when I die.

 

I would give anything to spend the rest of my life trying to share that feeling with you.

 

I watch you sleep, and I’m afraid to put my arm around you, or lay my head next to yours on your pillow…

 

I miss your calls at lunch, I miss hearing you call me “old man”, but more than that…

 

I miss you!

 

I don’t know how I became so afraid of talking to you, telling you how I feel.

 

If only I could find the words to tell you how deeply sorry I am, but words like those will never exist.

 

If only I could take back all of the pain that I have caused you, I would gladly give my life to do it.

 

I watch you sleeping and I’m afraid that I’ll wake up…

 

and find that you were only my dream…

 

 

She didn't even acknowledge this, but said the flowers were pretty. Now this is the kindest, gentlest, forgiving woman that I have ever met, and no matter what I have done, it doesn't even phase her. I don't know how to make her remember why she fell in love with me, I'm running out of ideas, and I'm getting really tired, (lack of sleep trying to figure out what to do, and anticipate what she may want) and more discouraged.

[Becoming]

Well, your lovely letter made me cry! And if you sent all this to her at work, you probably don't know what her real reaction was when she received them. You may not even know that she did get the note--it could have been overlooked in the box or something. Did she? Even if she did get the note, she may have been so upset by it that she couldn't work the rest of the day and didn't appreciate all the emotional turmoil following her to her place of employment.

 

She said the flowers were pretty. Hey, that's a start! Don't expect more at this point.

 

Many of us women are suspicious of the whole flowers bit. As though one grand gesture is supposed to just turn things around. For years we've been easily manipulated by this floral conspiracy, and we're on to it now. And this is from someone who adores fresh flowers and grand romantic gestures!

 

But, honestly, it's probably hard for her to allow you to touch her heart anymore because when she did, she just opened it to more hurt.

 

Yes, it matters what you lied about. You cannot have a marriage when one person is not being honest, whether deliberately through lying, or by hiding what's really going on with them (whether intentionally or not). And your dishonesty has left her feeling left out in the cold when all she wanted was the intimacy of connecting with the one person she loved. Girls establish relationship through talk and sharing feelings and secrets. Boys establish relationship by doing things together. For a marriage to work, ya gotta have both. She wanted talk, connection, feelings; you wanted time to do stuff with her, right? You're both right.

 

As someone who's neurotic about rejection from having grown up in an abusive and emotinally vacant household, I understand your fear of rejection. Your feelings for her are so intense that you're scared of them. Could it be that your fear of abandonment caused you to cut her off to save yourself the pain of being abandoned? You did unto her before she could do unto you, but that only ensured what you were scared of--abandonment by her? I dunno. But that's a whole lot of therapy $$ talking there, so if it's helpful, glad to share. If not, let it go and please forgive my presumption.

 

What do YOU want? Knowing that, as your $49.95 material suggests, is crucial. Staying sane and doing what you want to do regardless of how she acts (and she will test you plenty!) will eventually get through. But the operative word is eventually. You can't just act different. You have to be different, which means you've made the decision to love her not just get her to love you, which the first part of your note seems to be about. (This just means the relationship is all about you and getting your needs met and not real attractive to her!) You have to act in order to love her no matter what she does. If there really is a desire on your part to love her instead of manipulate her into loving you (which to her means you'll just leave her out in the cold again once you get the connection you want), she'll know it.

 

But it's gonna take a long time--months. You're going to have to chip chip chip away at that wall one small act at a time. She noticed the flowers. She noticed. She's just not ready to fling wide the gate and let the marauders of her heart in until she sees just a little boy standing there with flowers and a desire to listen and do what her little girl (not Mommy) wants and needs. And she wants a man there who wants her as a woman, who has needs he communicates and wants her to fulfill as equally as she gets her communicated needs filled.

 

Have you asked her what an ideal marriage would look and feel like to her? Maybe just in general to avoid all the history of "you didn't's." Ask her in a gamey mode--"If you could have the ideal husband, what would he be like and what specifically would he do?" Then just quietly say you'd like to apply for the job (if you want to) but be honest where there are some things that you'd like to do but just can't for whatever reason, some things you can't do well right now but are committed to working on. And then later indicate how you really are working on those things by showing her or sharing material you're working through with her, or what.

 

Don't just be reactive to her. Be proactive in working on setting this marriage straight. She notices. That's good. My husband came home the other night and said he was listening to radio shows on marriage on the drive home. I said nothing, I don't think, and if I did I may have gotten sarcastic out of my pain (not proud of that, just honest). But I noticed, and it makes a difference. Little by little.

 

I think you're doing great. She noticed.

[Becoming]

Sorry for the length of that last one. How I do go on!

 

How to get her to remember why she fell in love with you in the first place? Check out some websites on creative dating. Sometimes our kids remind us of the silly things we forgot to do once we got married.

 

Here's one possibility: This is gonna be work, but you could leave a series of little cards for her 1 each day on the bathroom mirror or wherever (at home, not work unless it's on her car windshield once she gets off work). Start with the first card telling the purpose of what's to follow: "I've obviously done things to hurt you that I am so sorry for, and I want to spend the rest of my life confessing how sorry I am for hurting you in the past and professing my love for who you are now and forevermore." {or something like that. You're good with words} That's all for the first card.

 

Ignore whatever her response is, which may be sarcastic out of hurt.

 

Next cards (1 per card):

 

"I'm sorry I haven't been forthcoming with my feelings"

 

"I'm sorry I lied about {name 1 specific thing}. It was wrong and I was just stupid." {Don't ever defend your bad behavior. It's an indication you're not taking responsibilit for your actions and that nothing can change therefore.}

 

"I love your gentleness. The way in which you {name a specific instance of her gentleness} was amazing."

 

"You are an incredible mother. {Again you can name a specific instance of this}"

 

(left on her car dash board as she goes off to work): "I really appreciate how hard you work for this family each day. Thanks."

 

ETC.

 

You can alternate confessions (sorry, love) or just spend a long time on the I'm sorrys before moving on to the love--you'll have to discern what's best.

 

It's a plan. Be careful of setting up a situation where she expects one every day, though, because it'll be impossible for you to maintain it. But consistently, every other day or so. And don't rush or overwhelm her or she'll feel like she's being stalked and won't believe it's for real.

 

Remember, you can't control her reactions. You can only control your actions. Don't get hooked into any of the drama from the past. Just keep loving steadily.

[Lost434]

Well, I know it's only been a couple of days, but I have been following your advice. I have done small things that I thought she might appreciate, prepared the coffee pot for her the night before so she doesn't have to do it when she gets up for work, she's starting @ 5am this week, so I've made dinner every night, done all of the laundry and ironing, house cleaning, etc etc. And not even so much as a "why are you doing this"? Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I was at the store today and bought her a card, front says "You're such a special person", inside, "May god bless you at Thanksgiving for the caring things you've done, For the kindness you've shown me, I remember every one. May he bring you special blessings as the seasons come and go, because you've blessed my life much more than you could ever know." I included "you've heard me say "I'm Sorry" a thousand times, but I never say "Thank You" I just wanted to say that I do "Thank You" for everything that you do." and she reads it when she came home from work, and looks at me kind of pissed and says "what's with the card"?

 

I thought it was a nice card, I didn't expect a positive reaction, but the negative one that I got I didn't expect either. I don't want to make her any more upset than she already is, so even though I have been taking care of everything at home, when she gets home from work I leave her alone and go into my office. Should I keep doing what I'm doing?

[Becoming]

Do you want to keep doing what you're doing? No one can really answer this for you. She wants to know all this is from you because you want to, not because you want to win her back just to have her back. And this is gonna take a lot more than a few days. This may take months. You gotta be willing to go the distance, suffer such rebuffs for awhile. If you really want to do something, it doesn't matter what her reaction is, though. She'll eventually see the difference. And if she doesn't, you'll at least know you did everything in your power.