XW's BF wants kids to call him "Daddy"

[reservoirdog1]

Went away with my kids to see the grandparents this weekend. Had a great time. Shortly before we left to head home, we were sitting outside having lunch (lovely weekend for late September). My daughter then told us that WXW's boyfriend (20+ years older than WXW, divorced and with an adult son of his own) recently told them that, now that he's living with WXW, they can start calling him "Daddy."

 

My daughter, who's almost 8, says she doesn't feel comfortable about this, because he's not their daddy. She didn't say that WXW has tried to push this on them.

 

Needless to say (?) this bothers me. I'm pretty sure that I'd catch holy hell from WXW if the kids came from being with me and told her that my girlfriend (I'm single at the moment, by choice, but anyway) had been telling the kids to call her "Mommy."

 

Oh, and another thing: WXW and her BF are getting married at some future point. As I type this, my kids are sitting at the dinner table, talking about how BF's last name will be somewhere in the middle of their names after that. The way the law works up here, however, this cannot be done without my consent as their father.

 

Would I be being unreasonable to resist either of these developments? They're my children, after all. Not his, "stepfather" or not.

 

P.S. I freely admit that some of my feelings are motivated out of residual issues surrounding the divorce. Still, can anybody else offer their thoughts?

[cherrysoduh]

Holy hell, those are your kids and I don't see why they would take his last name. You are still apart of their life. Its not like you took off and left them when they were little and this man was going to adopt them. I wouldn't agree to let them take his last name. You are their father!!

[lynnered]

my parents got a D when i was 13,

my mother remarried & wanted me to call her husband Daddy bill,that disgusted me even though i did not care for my father too much ,he was my father .

i called him bill ,i still call him bill.

i would not allow changing of last name & i would have a long talk with XW about the daddy issue .

[Art_Critic]

A coupla things..

 

I was a Step-dad for 5 years so I know about this a little..

 

First off your kids only have and will only have 1 father ever..

 

Second if they do get married he will be your kids Step-father .. It's a tough thing ..The name alone says Father..

 

The child should alway's be the one to decide what to call the Step-Parent and not the other way around

 

Since they are not married.. I would be all kinds of pissed off right now and have a discussion with your ex wife..

 

In no terms should her boyfriend be allowed to make such a request of your children..They are not married..

 

When the time comes all you need to tell your children is that whatever they want to call him is up to them..

 

It took my Step-daughter about 3.5 years to start calling me Dad..

But she only said it when we were alone together..She alway's used my first name when people were around

[RecordProducer]

The child should alway's be the one to decide what to call the Step-Parent and not the other way around

 

 

Yes, but children often don't know what to do and want to please their parents or simply fear them. You should be firm about not letting your ex-wife force your children to call him "dad." My mother forced me to call her new husband "daddy" and I hated him and loved my dad. Later the step-monster even molested me so you can imagine how I felt about calling him "daddy." I will never forgive my mother and I feel so ashamed. I don't know if I have told this to anyone and the worst thing is that my father knew about it. I really feel terrible about that.

 

If I marry my BF, my kids can call him whatever they want; he also agreed. But my kids adore him. In any case i wouldn't force them. Besides, they call their dad "dad" in their mother language while my B is American. So it's not the same word.

[Ladyjane14]

Since they are not married.. I would be all kinds of pissed off right now and have a discussion with your ex wife..

 

I'd go even further and say, Even if they do get married....you STILL have a right to be "all kinds of pissed off".

 

This is CONFUSING for your kids. It asks them to choose a different male allegience than that of their loving father. It might be one thing if you were dead or absent from their lives.....but you aren't.

 

The appropriate address if the guy's name is "Bill Jones"....is either MR. Bill, or MR. Jones. Teens might be allowed to call him by his first name only if at some point if their relationship warrents it. Younger children should address more formally.

 

This is NOT their "Daddy". They already have one of those. What a complete b*tch to put the kids in such an awkward postion.

 

Have a nice chat with her. Then, if she's still determined to parent her own children this poorly....put your request on your attorney's letterhead. Be polite. But don't take any nonsense from her either.

 

 

p.s. Your insistance that your children do NOT call some other man their father will not hurt the step-parent relationship at all. So don't worry on that account.

 

My own step-father was married to my mother for less than 2 years. Yet his relationship with me and my siblings has remained warm and familial. For 30 years, he has been held in high esteem be me and mine. He EARNED it.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'm with Ladyjane on this 100%. Well said!

 

How unfair to your children that they are being asked to do something they are clearly uncomfortable with so two selfish adults can feel more secure regarding their own relationship issues.

 

They have only one "Daddy,"… and for so long as he is actively participating in their lives, no one will ever take his place no matter how much your screwed-up ex may wish it. What a head case she must be.

 

While I would be absolutely livid that my children were being manipulated, I'd have to maintain my cool exterior and simply explain to them that they should never allow anyone (even an adult) to coax them into doing something that does not come natural to them or makes them feel uncomfortable. Teach your children now that it's okay to say "NO" if they want. It's also important to make sure their decision comes from their own hearts so that the other two adults (???) in this situation don't blame you for being as manipulative as they are.

 

If the ex and her boyfriend take issue with this, and continue to pester the children …or make them feel guilty…it may be time to get your children some outside professional guidance to help them deal with the situation they've been placed in. Children don't have the maturity, clarity and necessary skills in place to deal with these emotional tug-o-wars. They have a hard time standing up to grown-ups and will likely take on blame they don't deserve if they find they can't please everyone. Remember: they don't want to disappoint you or their mommy.

 

It's a really tough spot for a child to be in. And shame on those grown-ups who are so self-absorbed that they haven't even taken a moment from their selfish agendas to consider how scary these drastic changes must be for a child helplessly caught in the middle of an adult's screwed up world.

[reservoirdog1]

An update: raised these issues with WXW this morning. She told me that they've taken the approach that the kids can call BF whatever they're comfortable with, and that they're not trying to force "daddy" on them. Also, the name change idea was apparently something my daughter brought up on her own in humour, and it's not something that WXW has contemplated doing.

 

Point being, I guess I overreacted a tad. Sometimes I have to stop and remember that I'm receiving the info through an 8-year-old's mental filter. And, what can I say -- there are still sore spots.

 

Thanks for listening and commenting, everybody.

[Mz. Pixie]

As well they should be. It's funny you should bring this up today. I just had a conversation about this this weekend. We were at my son's ballgame and we have parent shirts. I have one that has ______ mom on it with his number. Alot of the other moms have them. There's a kid on the team names Justin and I see this man with a shirt on that says Justins Dad. Well, I find out a bit later that this guy is Justin's stepdad- and I find out from his real dad who is sitting behind me. Apparently, his exwife is insisting on the kid calling this guy dad.

 

Why would someone want to do this? This guy is not a deadbeat dad. I wouldn't even let my husband wear a shirt like that, it would be disrespectful of their dad, and I will tell you one thing, he would never want to. His son has a stepfather as well and you can be sure he would flip if that happened.

 

I told my husband that I better never come to a game and see another woman wearing my son's name on her shirt and his number saying that she's his mom. I said it would be coming off, either voluntarily or involuntarily.

 

On a funny note, my daughter was calling my husband this weekend and instead of saying "Dad" she said, "Stepdad" in this sing song little voice. It was cute!

[brashgal]

Demi Moore's kids call Ashton Kutcher "MOD" - acronym for my other dad.

[Lil Honey]

I told my husband that I better never come to a game and see another woman wearing my son's name on her shirt and his number saying that she's his mom. I said it would be coming off, either voluntarily or involuntarily.

 

Since, I'd miss this in real life, I want a copy of the video.

 

I'm glad the situation corrected itself. I agree with the others (while still chucking about my visual of Mz. Pixie).

[933KJL]

Agreed with most. The Mr. Smith or Mr. Bill is too formal for a family--and if they marry it will be a blended family for sure. I am a product of divorce (my dad is a pro and on his 5th wife now) and never called my step-moms anything other than her first name---in conversation when they are not there, I will refer to them as step mother, and only in writing (Cards, and Letters and Emails) I will usually address it to Dad and Mom---I guess it seems a little less STEPPY in writing.

 

I am divorced myself with three kids and the XW is remarried and there were some similar issues and I nipped them in the bud. The kids call him Michael, and refer to him as my mom's husband when referring to him outside the home, and in person this is my mom and Michael Lastname.

 

You are involved (as am I) with the kids so there is no way that they should try to take that away from you and give that honor (and it is an honor to be called dad) to someone who is merely getting a piece of ass off your ex wife (at this point). She needs to know that it is NOT acceptable, not now, and not ever, and I would go a step further and to gently discourage the kids--well guys you know you will only ever have one dad and like it or not it is me. Just like you can only have one mother, so you need to find out what you are comfortable calling him (or her when it is your turn) and stick with it. I know in my youth, in daily interractions with my step moms I never referred to her as anything--I just started a conversation and left it out.

[Tiny Dancer]

I agree that in a divorce situation children should always be encouraged to reserve the names "Mom" and "Dad" and all forms thereof for their own parents. There is just something fundamentally important about a child reserving those names for his parents.

[Ladyjane14]

Agreed with most. The Mr. Smith or Mr. Bill is too formal for a family--

 

I think maybe that depends on what part of the country you're from. I grew up in the South, and calling an adult by their first name was NOT acceptable for children. (My Grandma would've skint me to hear it! )

 

Still today, most of the older folks will look at a child's parents upon hearing such as that, with an expression that clearly states...."Your child must've been raised by wolves." And the most stately of the grand auld dames have zero problem with politely correcting the behavior.

 

In my own household, the children are not permitted to call any adult by their first name. And as I do endeavor to become "a stately grand auld dame" someday....I have zero problem enforcing that policy with my children's friends.

[hotgurl]

I have a little different situation.

my daughter calls m bf by his name but it is a nick name used only in the family but when she writes cards, or gives gift etc it to mom & dad menaing my bf. she is waiting for us to get married to call him dad but really wants to.

 

Her father has been absent for 7 years no word at all from him.

 

I call my step dad Steve but if people refer to him as your dad I don't correct them because he is, my father is absent as well. After the divorce he took off.

 

But in both cases it was something natural that we the kids decided and wasn't forced at all.