lookit Posted September 20, 2005 Share Posted September 20, 2005 After years of my husband lying to me and using drugs, and promising he'd change and never trying, I asked him to leave today. I am so scared of what will happen to him, but I have a 15 month old daughter that I have to take care of, as well as myself. I hope I did the right thing. I told him he could come back when he was serious about changing. Link to post Share on other sites
JosiePosie Posted September 20, 2005 Share Posted September 20, 2005 I know it is hard doing that to someone you care about, but you did the right thing. You have yourself and your child to think about. Drugs are a terrible evil. There is nothing you can do until that person is able to do something about it themselves. This would be a good time to start looking into some of support groups. You have been through an ordeal and need an outlet to process it. Remember, you are not the only person who has gone through this. The support is there, you just have to grab it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookit Posted September 20, 2005 Author Share Posted September 20, 2005 Thank you for your support Link to post Share on other sites
RainyDayWoman Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 well, holy crap. good for you, for doing the right thing, even though it's the harder thing to do. if everyone here had the good sense you do, LS would be a dead place. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 ...I have a 15 month old daughter that I have to take care of, as well as myself. I hope I did the right thing. Most important is to care for, nurture, and protect the two people you mentioned: your daughter and yourself. If you are doing that, you don't have to wonder if you are doing the right thing. I admire you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookit Posted September 21, 2005 Author Share Posted September 21, 2005 Well his first night out I get a call from his sister in the middle of the night that he is depressed and drunk and driving around. I finally get him on his cell phone and talk him into driving to a motel. I don't know if he can handle being out on his own. I feel so bad because he has nowhere to go, because he is treating his whole family like WE are the problem. All he has to do is say he has a problem and ask for help. I am afraid he will end up dead. He is depressed and has a drug problem and doesn't want help. I haven't called him yet today, I don't know what to do. The EASY thing is to tell him to come back, at least I know he is safe, but that won't help him or my daughter and I. I am trying to hold my ground. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 I don't know if he can handle being out on his own. I feel so bad because he has nowhere to go, Don't make his drug and alcohol problem yours.. He is not your responsibity.. It is his addiction issue not yours.. You are suffering from codependancy issues being involved with an addict You need to get to Ala-non in order to get help for yourself.. By calling him on his cell you enabled his behavior and basically said it is okay for him to go out and get tanked up .. just hit a motel. Enabling behavior is something that all codependant people have to learn to control.. Make the addict responsible for his own behavior and do not support it. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 Don't take him back so that he will be safe .. That is enabling behavior and is not an acceptable solution to your problem.. He needs to get help and sober up and you need to take control of YOUR and YOUR childs life and leave him out of it Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 He is not your responsibity.. You are suffering from codependancy issues being involved with an addict By calling him on his cell you enabled his behavior and basically said it is okay for him to go out and get tanked up .. just hit a motel. Enabling behavior is something that all codependant people have to learn to control.. Make the addict responsible for his own behavior and do not support it. To someone who is not familiar with the lingo of addiction and codependency, these statements can sound confusing and even contradictory. "I'm not responsible, but I enabled his behavior. He is solely responsible for his behavior, but I need to learn to control myself." There are subtleties that resolve this and make all of these true, but they can be confusing, which is why distributing labels like codependency and enabling behaviors should be done in a setting where a trained counselor can hear the whole story and interactively put it all into perspective for the unaddicted partner. Thus, I fully agree with Art Critic's advice to get some help, and right away; even professionals are not always successful at helping an addict. Seeking help doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, but you want to give yourself the best tools you can to protect yourself and your daughter - don't try to go through this alone. Look here on LS to vent and get support, but it's time to get specific, knowledgeable help, in a face-to-face setting. Al-Anon sounds like a good start - if that turns out to be a dead end and you can't come up with any other ideas, let us know and maybe folks here can make some other suggestions. Remember - your job is to get help for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 which is why distributing labels like codependency and enabling behaviors should be done in a setting where a trained counselor can hear the whole story and interactively put it all into perspective for the unaddicted partner. I disagree here..I did not learn these labels from a counselor.. I am an Alcoholic and have been sober 18 years. I learned my lingo thru AA and books on codependency That is why I suggested she go to Ala-non so she can learn about enabling behavaior and codependancy. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she is codependant.. All you have to do is read 1 sentence. So by saying that only a counselor can talk about enabling behavior or codependancy is wrong.. She needs to know these things and something tells me that he isn't going to therapy and most likely neither is she as of yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 AC - I accept your criticism (no pun intended ). Thanks for holding me to a high standard. I resubmit my premise - and I admit I'm changing my meaning here in view of your valid points: ...working on issues of codependency and enabling behaviors is more usefully done in a setting where trusted human beings can discuss the whole story and interactively put it all into perspective in the context of the unaddicted partner's specific situation. Separately from that basic premise, I still maintain that a counselor has potential to be more effective than non-trained helpers, but people certainly vary in their trust and faith in the counseling profession. And at some point, you have to ask, what does "trained" mean anyway? If someone has dedicated 18 years to helping fellow AA members get through addictions, I've got to grant that that counts for a lot. My points - possibly poorly made at the start - are (1) LS is a good place for support and venting - and can be a real lifeline - but when it's time to get down and dirty and work your particular issues, LS doesn't substitute for face-to-face help with other human beings. We both suggested she go seek out Al-Anon, or some other help for herself; and (2) because she seeks that help doesn't mean she is responsible for his behavior, and I believe the language of codependency can sometimes be confusing to the uninitiated in that regard. Congrats on 18 years - you have my respect. Why isn't there a smiley for "respect", a tip-of-the-hat, or something like that? We have smileys because we're so worried that our sarcasm, our humor, our embarassment will be misunderstood, why don't we have the same concern about clearly conveying respect? And now, to bring this nearly-hijacked thread back around to the original point: lookit - have you considered - will you consider - seeking out some help for yourself - beyond LS - to give you the insight, skills, and tools to get yourself and your daughter through this? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 ...working on issues of codependency and enabling behaviors is more usefully done in a setting where trusted human beings can discuss the whole story and interactively put it all into perspective in the context of the unaddicted partner's specific situation. Separately from that basic premise, I still maintain that a counselor has potential to be more effective than non-trained helpers, but people certainly vary in their trust and faith in the counseling profession. And at some point, you have to ask, what does "trained" mean anyway? If someone has dedicated 18 years to helping fellow AA members get through addictions, I've got to grant that that counts for a lot. My points - possibly poorly made at the start - are (1) LS is a good place for support and venting - and can be a real lifeline - but when it's time to get down and dirty and work your particular issues, LS doesn't substitute for face-to-face help with other human beings. We both suggested she go seek out Al-Anon, or some other help for herself; and (2) because she seeks that help doesn't mean she is responsible for his behavior, and I believe the language of codependency can sometimes be confusing to the uninitiated in that regard. Thanks and a great post.. I agree with this 100 % .. and the 2nd paragraph that I quoted is even more important to her.. Thanks for straightening me out and clarifing your position Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookit Posted September 22, 2005 Author Share Posted September 22, 2005 Wow thank you everybody for helping me out. I do know what co-dependency is, if you can believe it I am a psychiatric nurse. The thing is ...there is this twisted thing in my brain that prevents me from listening to my own advice. I do know I need counseling, but I keep feeling like they are going to tell me what I already know. I don't even know if I am IN love with my husband anymore, but I do love him, and I know I will always feel like I let him down if something happens to him. His family is not interested in an intervention, we have all been trying for a long time to get him help. Last year he od'd on tons of pills 2 weeks after our daughter was born, ended up in the icu for 3 days, and then went to an outpatient program for dual diagnosis for 6 weeks. Since then he has been seeing a drug counselor twice a month as well as a psychiatrist. I guess he was just trying to do this to make me happy, because he has not made any progress. As long as he looked ok, I would allow him to watch our daughter while I went to work (per-diem as a nurse). I honestly believe he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize her safety while I was at work, however when I was home he took whatever pills he had and layed around all day. The deal was he stays clean and is a stay at home dad (which is what he wanted), and I would work because I make more money. He can't even do that, so I might as well be single. Anyway, thank you all, and congrats to you art critic. Maybe reading horror stories like mine will help you stay clean. Link to post Share on other sites
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