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Ex Husband and Son's Peanut Allergy


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My 5 year old son has a peanut allergy and carries epi-pens. I am separated and he goes to his dad's house every second weekend. My ex and I usually maintain a good relationship for our son's sake.

 

Today my son told me he had Rocky Road ice cream at his dad's recently. Being a mom to a son with a peanut allergy, I have learned that many foods "may contain peanuts" even if they don't have peanuts in the ingredients. Ice cream is a bad one for may containing peanuts.

 

So I asked my ex - nicely, I might add - if he is making sure to read food labels because our son told me about the ice cream. He got really defensive saying things like "for f*cks sale", and "you can't tell me how to run my house". When I replied by saying I know I can't tell him how to run his house but I should be able to bring up a concern about our son, he replied by saying I was crossing a line and said "has our son died in the 2 years we've known he has an allergy? I'm not going to read every food label. Back off". All the while I was remaining calm and asked if he could just take the peanut allergy seriously and read the labels he just started getting more defensive and ignorant. "What's your angle?", and "This is why I left you - you badger people". I just hung up after that.

 

Help. I'm feeling bullied when I'm truly just concerned about our son's peanut allergy. They have allergy labels on food for a reason. I am within my rights to express concern to my ex about this right? Or do you agree with him and think I am "crossing a boundaries line". AM I being too paranoid?

 

Is there anything I can do? I've thought about contacting my son's allergy specialist to see if he would be willing to have a conversation with my ex. But that might make him even more defensive. We have a legal separation and have done the lawyer thing already so I don't know if I could afford to go down a legal road again. Also, what could a lawyer really do?

 

I am just in tears. I don't know why my ex can't be a mature adult about this. Like I said we usually get along good for the sake of son but this has nothing to do with us and everything to do with the well-being of our son.

Edited by Amanda9
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oceanblue12

That is a legitimate concern due to his condition. No idea why he

reacted like that. You are just concerned for YOUR child.

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That is a legitimate concern due to his condition. No idea why he

reacted like that. You are just concerned for YOUR child.

 

Yes, I am honestly just concerned about my son. My ex was a bit of a bully in the past, especially at the end of our marriage, but lately he's been okay. He should be able to respect me and listen if I have an issue regarding our son's health, not get hostile.

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amaysngrace

It’s a legitimate concern, one that could cause additional worry every single time your child visits with his dad.

 

We just want our kids to be safe while not with us, especially at that young age.

 

I’d bully him back by getting your lawyer involved. I know they aren’t cheap but sometimes they’re necessary. I believe your child’s health and safety qualifies as one of those times.

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Well, you know why he got defensive... because he doesn’t check all food labels and he gave your son something that he shouldn’t have eaten. He clearly didn’t appreciate you calling him on that.

 

Who knows what your son has eaten or been exposed to with his father - you know about this only because your son told you. Its a dangerous message to send your son - inconsistent messages about what he is safe to eat. That’s not fair to your son.

 

It is difficult to believe that a grown man who loves his son wouldn’t take this more seriously. And yet, I know a lot of people who take risks with food allergies - both because they can’t be bothered or they don’t think it’s a big deal. Your husband may not appreciate the risk if he has never seen your son have a severe reaction. It’s easy to get complacent after a while when there is no reaction.

 

Do I have any advice of how to help him to understand the risk, not really. I would probably give him time to settle down and then try to talk to him again. I would perhaps make a doctors appointment and ask him to attend and talk with the doctor. The lawyer would be my last resort, but I wouldn’t discount talking with the lawyer at some point. You must do what you must do to protect your child. Food allergies are serious!

Edited by BaileyB
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ok, i'm confused:

Today my son told me he had Rocky Road ice cream at his dad's recently...I asked my ex...if he is making sure to read food labels because our son told me about the ice cream.
so he HAD the ice cream and did NOT have a reaction. and yet you felt the need to make that statement. why? considering the number of foods with 'nuts' and (it appears) your son has yet to have a reaction while with you ex, i doubt it has been all dumb luck. if i were him i might react the same way --- as this appears to be an indirect way of controlling (your ex).

 

 

BTW i would take all that 'other stuff' as his poor attempt to tell you 'i know'.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I thought Rocky Road had peanuts in it??

 

At any rate, you brought it up and reminded him to check all labels. He didn't like it (men like this don't like being told "what to do") and acted out. But, I'll bet he's more careful about checking labels from now on, so I'd drop it for now.

 

Maybe just make a point of pointing out exactly where the epi-pen is in your son's belongings when you do your next custody exchange to reiterate the importance of this. Your son will soon be old enough to read labels on his own....this is the good news :).

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Turning point

Is there a clear history of severe reactions or are the epi-pens part of a precautionary and exploratory post examination? The two of you clearly do not agree on the severity of this peanut allergy and how to address it. This is a medical question not a legal question.

 

A lawyer would be a waste of time and money because the court will defer your concerns to a medical professional pending a clear and decisive action plan. Even then, perfection is not the standard - rather, your husband need only be prepared to follow the action plan. You can't prevent all allergy attacks, asthma, or similar health incidents, and no court would hold someone to that standard. You must simply be prepared and able to follow the medical action plan.

 

A peanut allergy is ONE thing to worry about. Children as an age group have a much higher rate of accident and medical incidents which make then frequent visitors to outpatient or emergency rooms. How would you like your ex to behave on the day some issue arises on your watch?

 

I don't think the issue is your ex or your son's allergy. It's your unwillingness to give your ex the space to be a father. He knows about the allergy. He knows the two of you exercise differing levels of control with a differing risk tolerance. Those differences are part of why you separated.

 

It's entirely possible he DOES carefully monitor food ingredients and simply won't give you any quarter on this issue of "badgering." He knows you don't trust him, and he's simply not willing to be monitored or managed by you.

 

The keyword in your original post is "potential." When it comes to your ex there's no post-divorce control over his "potential."

Edited by Turning point
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Turning point
I thought Rocky Road had peanuts in it??

 

Walnuts, actually. There are also variants that substitute other crunchy stuff instead of nuts.

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amaysngrace
A lawyer would be a waste of time and money because the court will defer your concerns to a medical professional pending a clear and decisive action plan.

 

Do you think she pulled the epi pen out of her backside and diagnosed her son herself? :laugh:

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Do you think she pulled the epi pen out of her backside and diagnosed her son herself? :laugh:

 

LOL!

 

In all seriousness, though, we had to carry an epi-pen for a couple of years because my son reacted to some PB crackers when he was about 2. Avoided them for a few years, then retested a couple of times (at home) and he was fine. Never had to use the pen.

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Happy Lemming
Do you think she pulled the epi pen out of her backside...

 

That would be a hell of a place to store it!!

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So has your son had any symptoms from eating the ice cream or at any time after visiting with his dad? Rocky Road usually does have nuts. Maybe your son has developed a tolerance. You should ask the doctor about it, maybe retest him. And if you find he's deathly allergic, then your move is to call CPS on the dad. Next time you talk to him about it, do it in writing and save what he says.

 

You know, not every allergy is deathly. I have some allergy to peanuts and some shellfish, but it's not life threatening.

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Rocky road ice cream usually contains almonds or walnuts.

 

OP I suspect your ex probably did check the label before he gave it to your son but based on some sort of history he has with you he greatly resents you checking up on him.

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I would probably give him time to settle down and then try to talk to him again. I would perhaps make a doctors appointment and ask him to attend and talk with the doctor. The lawyer would be my last resort, but I wouldn’t discount talking with the lawyer at some point. You must do what you must do to protect your child. Food allergies are serious!

 

Thank you, yes it's very frustrating that he doesn't seem to take the risks seriously just because my son hasn't had a reaction yet. He has a follow up in a couple of months to see his Allergist. I'm hoping is dad will join us so maybe it can sink in a little more. If he doesn't bother coming, perhaps I can get the doctor to write down some rules for him to follow. I'd like a lawyer to be a last resort too.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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ok, i'm confused:

so he HAD the ice cream and did NOT have a reaction. and yet you felt the need to make that statement. why? considering the number of foods with 'nuts' and (it appears) your son has yet to have a reaction while with you ex, i doubt it has been all dumb luck. if i were him i might react the same way --- as this appears to be an indirect way of controlling (your ex).

 

 

BTW i would take all that 'other stuff' as his poor attempt to tell you 'i know'.

 

I felt the need to tell him because although my son didn't have a reaction, he COULD have. With someone who has a peanut allergy, foods which "may contain peanuts" are off limits. As his doctor explained it, the smallest exposure to peanuts could cause his throat to close up. Carrying Epi-Pens doesn't excuse a person to be careless; they are for emergencies.

 

I realize now I sound defensive but I promise you I have no interest in controlling my ex and I'm just interested in the well being of my child.

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I thought Rocky Road had peanuts in it??

 

At any rate, you brought it up and reminded him to check all labels. He didn't like it (men like this don't like being told "what to do") and acted out. But, I'll bet he's more careful about checking labels from now on, so I'd drop it for now.

 

Maybe just make a point of pointing out exactly where the epi-pen is in your son's belongings when you do your next custody exchange to reiterate the importance of this. Your son will soon be old enough to read labels on his own....this is the good news :).

 

I really hope it didn't have peanuts in the actual ingredients. That would be beyond careless. And I hope he will be a little more careful in reading the ingredients from now on. I will drop it for now because if I bring it up again soon that would not help the issue.

 

My son has a special pouch for his Epi-Pens that he takes with him everywhere so at least his dad SHOULD know where they are at all times.

 

And you're also right that soon my son will be able to read labels on his own. I'm actually proud of how aware he is of his allergy - if people at the store are handing out free samples, for example, he will always ask without my prompting if the item contains peanuts.

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I don't have kids so forgive me if this is a stupid question but at 5 can't you get your son to ask dad to make sure there are no nuts in things?

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It's entirely possible he DOES carefully monitor food ingredients and simply won't give you any quarter on this issue of "badgering." He knows you don't trust him, and he's simply not willing to be monitored or managed by you. The keyword in your original post is "potential." When it comes to your ex there's no post-divorce control over his "potential."

 

His allergy has been confirmed by a specialist. A couple years ago I made myself peanut butter toast for breakfast. Then I wiped the crumbs from the counter and RINSED the rag. After I used that same rag to wipe milk off my son's mouth, his face immediately broke into welts. That made me suspect an allergy, so I took him to our family doctor who referred him to an allergy specialist. They did the scratch test and he reacted clearly to peanuts. A year later, they also did a blood test in which the allergen was detected at a moderate high level. My son's dad is aware of all this.

 

I can't stress enough this is truly about the allergy. I have NO interest in controlling my ex. For whatever reason, my ex isn't taking it as seriously as I think he should and maybe I'm wrong, but I think I'm justified in expressing my concerns to him about that. If he had a concern about something I was doing regarding our son, I would expect that he tell me as well. We may not be together anymore but we do have to work together as a team in raising our son. It would be nice if he was able to address my concerns without defensively lashing out.

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LOL!

 

In all seriousness, though, we had to carry an epi-pen for a couple of years because my son reacted to some PB crackers when he was about 2. Avoided them for a few years, then retested a couple of times (at home) and he was fine. Never had to use the pen.

 

Yes, you can't just choose to carry an Epi-Pen. A doctor has to prescribe it after confirming the allergy. And we have to follow up annually to get him retested at the doctor's. Anyway, I'm glad you never had any trouble with your son.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
It would be nice if he was able to address my concerns without defensively lashing out.

 

It would be nice, but he's shown he's not the type of person who will. So you'll have to manage it on your own end. You've already said your child is doing great at asking about peanuts when he's out in public/eating food not prepared by you. GREAT! This is typical behavior in all food allergic kids I know because their parents have drilled it into them. Keep doing so.

 

He might not even be too young to memorize what the word peanut looks like....maybe you could start practicing that with him over the summer even if he cannot technically read yet. Write the word Peanut in large letters and hang it up on the fridge (or even in front of toilet, other places around the house where he will see it often). Every time you give him something to eat, remind him to ask even you, "does this have peanuts? Did you read the label? May I see the label?" Gently suggest he do this at dad's house too (without giving the impression you think Dad is inept).

Edited by CautiouslyOptimistic
typo
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So has your son had any symptoms from eating the ice cream or at any time after visiting with his dad? Rocky Road usually does have nuts. Maybe your son has developed a tolerance. You should ask the doctor about it, maybe retest him. And if you find he's deathly allergic, then your move is to call CPS on the dad. Next time you talk to him about it, do it in writing and save what he says.

 

You know, not every allergy is deathly. I have some allergy to peanuts and some shellfish, but it's not life threatening.

 

At the risk of being repetitive, my son has regular follow ups with his doctor to get tested. He tells me that all peanut allergies should be considered serious.

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....maybe you could start practicing that with him over the summer even if he cannot technically read yet. Write the word Peanut in large letters and hang it up on the fridge (or even in front of toilet, other places around the house where he will see it often).

 

Thank you, I like that idea to write out the actual word.

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