Fractured_Heart Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 (edited) My ex left about 5 months ago. Her decision - I'm the dumpee. We have two young kids, she's stepmom to the older. Since the break we've kept things friendly and often spent "family" time together. From the beginning I indicated my desire to reconcile, she has shown no sign that she wishes to. However she's been hesitant to engage in any mediation or co-parenting counseling and we have not completed any paperwork related to the divorce. I am not dating and to my knowledge, neither is she. For the upcoming holiday weekend I made plans to go to a festival with the kids. Turns out the ex made plans to go as well. So we will be in a small town at the same festival but staying in separate places. She is fine with it and seems eager to spend family time together. I am struggling with going, as there are strong triggers - we met and began our relationship when she lived in this place, we attended this festival together for years, and overall I have a strong emotional connection to the place. I communicated this to her and she says she understands. While she'd like for me to go (because she'd have access to the kids), she stated that it's bit having her cake and eating it. Overall, she seems settled and unemotional about either scenario. I think part of me has the hope that showing up in the place where it all started for us and holding my head high, might earn me some points and maybe even a spark between us. On the other hand, we're separated and co-parenting and by all indications heading for this to be permanent. So my question - is it stronger and healthier to do something else with the kids or show up and try to exist separated at this festival? And in asking this question, I need to admit that I am hoping that whichever choice I make is one that might make her think twice about leaving for good. Edited May 16, 2019 by Fractured_Heart Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Having heard this story play out to completion many times, I'm guessing your ex is involved with another man. If so of course her claim will be she isnt because she hasn't decided if he is a keeper or she will eventually return. Either way, your best way to move forward is eliminate her from YOUR life while try to aid and promote a relationship with the children and her. I would suggest you both spend time individually with the kids but not together. The cake eating comments are very telling, how is she having her cake and eating it too? Think on that, it screams double life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 I don't think it's a good idea to vacation with the ex. For one thing, as you pointed out, this is going to be tough on you. This is all still fresh for one thing. Another is that you are going to be sorely tempted to put out reconciliation feelers, and you have no expectation that she's going to respond favorably at all. It's going to set you back. Another is the kids. I don't know how old they are, and chances are that they'll think it's great to have the both of you present, but it's going to wind up being confusing. They might be thinking that this is a sign their parents are reconciling, when it doesn't appear that's in the cards, at least for the foreseeable future. So I think this is going to set your kids back, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Another is the kids. I don't know how old they are, and chances are that they'll think it's great to have the both of you present, but it's going to wind up being confusing. They might be thinking that this is a sign their parents are reconciling, when it doesn't appear that's in the cards, at least for the foreseeable future. So I think this is going to set your kids back, too. In addition, how would it wok logistically? Do the kids stay with you? Her? One with each? Who eats with whom? Agree with the others, wouldn't do it. Fractured_Heart, time to be a little bit selfish and focus on your emotional well-being and path forward. Your STBX wife is obviously focused on hers... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fractured_Heart Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 In addition, how would it wok logistically? Do the kids stay with you? Her? One with each? Who eats with whom? Agree with the others, wouldn't do it. Fractured_Heart, time to be a little bit selfish and focus on your emotional well-being and path forward. Your STBX wife is obviously focused on hers... Mr. Lucky Kids stay with me, as it is my scheduled weekend with them. We'd likely get together for some meals and activities together. And yes, she is clearly focused on her path forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fractured_Heart Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 Having heard this story play out to completion many times, I'm guessing your ex is involved with another man. If so of course her claim will be she isnt because she hasn't decided if he is a keeper or she will eventually return. Either way, your best way to move forward is eliminate her from YOUR life while try to aid and promote a relationship with the children and her. I would suggest you both spend time individually with the kids but not together. The cake eating comments are very telling, how is she having her cake and eating it too? Think on that, it screams double life. Her cake and eat it comment was in reference to not just having a fun weekend at the festival but also getting to spend time with the kids. She's traveling there with her mother who has been their nanny. I have not directly asked if she is dating or involved with someone - certainly would hurt, but also further my resolve to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 If I were you, I would change plans, not out of spite, but to make new traditions with your children that have nothing to do with her. Having only left 5 months ago, I think it's still too raw. Save yourself the heartache of visiting a place that holds so many memories with her - especially knowing she will be there. This will server two purposes - number one, a step toward moving forward without her and, number two, if she is only using you as a place holder until she decides whether she wants to stay "single" (I suspect someone else is involved), this will send the message that you are not willing to mark time being her second choice, hoping for her to return. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Her cake and eat it comment was in reference to not just having a fun weekend at the festival but also getting to spend time with the kids. She's traveling there with her mother who has been their nanny. I have not directly asked if she is dating or involved with someone - certainly would hurt, but also further my resolve to move on. Her idea is spending time as a family, not just with the kids. When people in relationships get involved with others the words are meaningless unless accompanied by actions. Her actions say I'm interested somewhere else and the cake eating comments are backed up by those actions. I'm not going to hammer you on it since your not asking about that, but fine tune in on her actions it will soon become clear that there is another man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fractured_Heart Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 Her idea is spending time as a family, not just with the kids. When people in relationships get involved with others the words are meaningless unless accompanied by actions. Her actions say I'm interested somewhere else and the cake eating comments are backed up by those actions. I'm not going to hammer you on it since your not asking about that, but fine tune in on her actions it will soon become clear that there is another man. I hear you - and looks like you aren't the only one who thinks that. I had wanted to focus on the issue in the subject of this thread - but indeed this is a distinct possibility. I know for a fact that she didn't leave for another, but that could have easily changed since then. Overall, I don't want to operate on assumptions - sounds like it's time to look her in the eye and ask the question. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Its important for you to understand what's truly going on before you head one direction or the other. Far too other a lack of information or truth leads us to decision that were different then they would have been with the information. Even this "family" vacation, could you honestly say you would consider it if there is another man? Ask the question, pay attention to her actions and body language, note her level of anger and/or disbelief that you asked. More then likely she wont be honest. You understand your relationship far better then any of us here could, is her reasoning for wanting out legitimate? Or were you shocked and it kinda came out of nowhere? Does she run hot and cold? More often then not, if a woman exits a relationship because she simply doesn't want to be there she doesn't then in turn look for ways to stay involved with her ex, especially not in the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Overall, I don't want to operate on assumptions - sounds like it's time to look her in the eye and ask the question. Why? As has been pointed out, you'll only get a misleading reply in exchange. Focus on what she's done. Despite your stated hope to stay together, she left and ensured the end of you family unit and married life. Based on that fact, make your plans to move forward. Any discussion is just "pain shopping" and, absent positive steps by her, counterproductive. Without knowing who's done what to whom since the separation, you have all the info you need... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 I’d go but not with the purpose of wooing her. I’d go there because your children are young and will be in the presence of both of you throughout their lives and it’s good practice so next time isn’t as uncomfortable. Don’t give up things you love on her account. That’s just giving yourself more suffering than is necessary. Instead use the time to practice strength, civility and maturity for your kids’ sake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fractured_Heart Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 I’d go but not with the purpose of wooing her. I’d go there because your children are young and will be in the presence of both of you throughout their lives and it’s good practice so next time isn’t as uncomfortable. Don’t give up things you love on her account. That’s just giving yourself more suffering than is necessary. Instead use the time to practice strength, civility and maturity for your kids’ sake. It's great to see another perspective - but the issues here are the emotional triggers for me which makes me not at my best for my kids. I also have concern for my older kid who would interpret this trip as reconciliation yet be puzzled by us traveling and staying there separately. This is about taking a break from something I love to get past the pain so that I can be strong and remain ciivil. @DKT3 the relationship did not end suddenly - we had struggled for a while. I wanted to resume counseling she chose not to. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 That’s a shame that you aren’t able to set your feelings aside for your children. It sounds like a good time that they’re going to be missing out on. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 And in asking this question, I need to admit that I am hoping that whichever choice I make is one that might make her think twice about leaving for good. Did you decide to go to that festival with your kids knowing full well (or at least having a strong suspicion) that your ex would be there? If so, it sounds a little bit like emotional manipulation on your part, sorry to say. What have your kids been told with regards arrangements to the festival? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 I don't think it's fair to say that. I think distance is good for all involved during the transition. It can be good for the kids but as he points out also confusing for them. You dont need to be friends and hang out together to effectively coparent. More importantly, they should not be used as an emotional crutch while she finds her footing outside of the family. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Did you decide to go to that festival with your kids knowing full well (or at least having a strong suspicion) that your ex would be there? If so, it sounds a little bit like emotional manipulation on your part, sorry to say. What have your kids been told with regards arrangements to the festival? Unlikely since she seems excited and its stressful for him...if anything, from the reaction she more likely to be manipulating the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Emotional crutch? I thought it’d just be nice for the children to enjoy the experience with three adults they love. No idea where the idea of using them as an emotional crutch came from. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 @DKT3 Why would she? She's not the one with the kids and the emotional triggers. Whether she has someone else or not is irrelevant. OP has decided to go to an emotionally charged place 5 months post separation with his kids, hoping to get a reaction from his ex. Not a good move regardless of anything, for OP's good. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Honestly what purpose does it serve for the parents who aren't together and wont be together to spend time as a family? It sends mixed messages to little ones who dont fully comprehend the situation. Yes emotional crutch, again why is it important to play pretend? Who really will benefit from this? OP wont because he wants to be a family but knows this wont lead to that, the kids wont because it may cause them to think momma and daddy are back together. Oh yeah, it benefits the one who says she gets to eat her cake and have it too. Come on, it's pretty obvious Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 (edited) It’s not play pretend. In OPs mind maybe but the kids will be in a fun place with their mom, dad and grandma...three people who love them very much. It’s eye opening to me to see how parents get the green light to put their feelings above their children’s so easily rather than being expected to suck it up for the kids. I don’t get it. Edited May 16, 2019 by amaysngrace Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Fun at what cost? Will they come away thinking they are back together? Then it doesn't happen, where is the fun in that for those kids? Is it worth the possible confusion? When the could still have fun with the parents not being there together? There is still three people that love them, why do they need to be together as one unit? They are no longer one unit. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Amays, parents are allowed to have feelings too, being emotionally vulnerable (not unstable) so soon post separation is to be expected, really. She has clearly defined her boundaries because she is seemingly already gone (sorry, OP). Imo, OP needs to protect his well being too, by not putting himself in an emotionally triggering situation, for his own sake. There are people who can happily coparent just fine as friends (and maybe go to festivals together). It doesn't sound like OP is at this stage just yet. Maybe more time and distance for now, OP? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Kids aren’t that dumb. When they go to separate rooms they’ll know they aren’t one unit. The same way that at their birthday parties they can sit together and be cordial to one another and each go to their own homes afterwards. Or their sports events. Or school plays. Or whatever. What are they suppose to do? Take turns at showing up for things for the rest of their children's lives so that the kids don’t get the wrong idea? Really?? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 There are people who can happily coparent just fine as friends (and maybe go to festivals together). It doesn't sound like OP is at this stage just yet. Well then don’t say that it’s about the kids. Say it’s about the dad not being able to handle it. Saying it’s for the kids is what’s making them an emotional crutch. Link to post Share on other sites
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