Rotaglia Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 I know that in our state and many others, a period of domestic separation of about a year must occur before a legal divorce can be executed. But one thing that is not clear to me is how to resolve the question of which spouse leaves the marital home. Any thoughts on how to determine which member of the couple moves out when they decide to separate? Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 I know that in our state and many others, a period of domestic separation of about a year must occur before a legal divorce can be executed. But one thing that is not clear to me is how to resolve the question of which spouse leaves the marital home. Any thoughts on how to determine which member of the couple moves out when they decide to separate? It may depend on the state you live in? If you leave the house and she stays, she may have a bit better stance on getting to keep the house (or something to that effect?) In my case, he refused to leave, so I left. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 I don’t know if I misunderstand the question, but this - like most things during a divorce/separation - must be negotiated. The one who wants the house and can afford it, will be able to stay in it. If there are young kids, or kids who go to school in that particular school district, the parent who is the main caregiver will stay in the house, in order to avoid that the kids have to move. If both want the house, and both can afford to keep it on their own, with their own income, and no kids are involved, your lawyers will negotiate, and in the end somebody else will decide on your behalf. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 Most people I know who separated just did it on their own. One left. It has to be talked about. Bills still have to be paid wherever the kids live and agreements as to what to do in the interim with the real estate as far as keeping the bills paid. Ideally, one person would have family or a friend they could go stay with and keep paying for the home, which they will still have a half interest in when assets are divided. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 I know that in our state and many others, a period of domestic separation of about a year must occur before a legal divorce can be executed. But one thing that is not clear to me is how to resolve the question of which spouse leaves the marital home. Any thoughts on how to determine which member of the couple moves out when they decide to separate? I think generally the man moves out, part of our chivalrous nature I suppose 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 We also have a one year separation period before divorce. When my first marriage ended, I left. Couldn't wait to get out of there. I think it gets much trickier if there are kids involved because it's unfair to uproot them from friends and school. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 *edit* if there are kids then yes the man definitely moves out 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 I think generally the man moves out, part of our chivalrous nature I suppose If chivalry was a thing in divorce, we would not need divorce lawyers 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 *edit* if there are kids then yes the man definitely moves out Not necessarily. My boyfriend cohabited unhappily with his ex wife during their divorce. He bought her out of the house because he wanted to keep some stability for his son (he is by far the more emotionally and financially stable of the two parents). The lawyers had to force her to leave... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 If chivalry was a thing in divorce, we would not need divorce lawyers That’s funny... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 24, 2019 Author Share Posted April 24, 2019 My situation is unusual in that my wife is the primary breadwinner and I am the primary caregiver of our twelve-year-old. Our state requires a year of separate residence and no sex between the separating couple during that year before a divorce can take effect. My question is, if I want her to leave, what leverage do I have in that conversation? I consider myself faithful to the marriage and she is the one working to undo it. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 My situation is unusual in that my wife is the primary breadwinner and I am the primary caregiver of our twelve-year-old. Our state requires a year of separate residence and no sex between the separating couple during that year before a divorce can take effect. My question is, if I want her to leave, what leverage do I have in that conversation? I consider myself faithful to the marriage and she is the one working to undo it. unfortunately courts like to place the kids with the mom most of the time. so you basically don't have a leg to stand on Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 Rotoglia, now is the time to seek legal advice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 ^^^^^^^ yep Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 My situation is unusual in that my wife is the primary breadwinner and I am the primary caregiver of our twelve-year-old. Our state requires a year of separate residence and no sex between the separating couple during that year before a divorce can take effect. My question is, if I want her to leave, what leverage do I have in that conversation? I consider myself faithful to the marriage and she is the one working to undo it. I don't think the court will see it that way since she's been supporting the family. They don't care about sex, really, or cheating. They care about the kids, though, and the fact you've been the primary caretaker will get you a lot further with a judge than complaining about lack of sex, because they do not care and marriage doesn't guarantee sex. So I think you'll get the house, but now you're working so the care situation is changing, so it will have to be worked out. Some couples rent an apartment and one stays with the kids at the house at all times while the other has use of the apartment. In the separations I've been on the front row for, in all cases, the woman left the house. But there were no children involved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 when my ex wife and I decided to separate she moved back to Toronto to live with her family. she didn't like Detroit anyways 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 @preraph Actually sex matters in my state in a couple of ways: 1) In order to get a divorce, a couple must live apart and simultaneously abstain from sex with each other for a minimum of one year; 2) refusing sex with your spouse for a year or more is an element of constructive abandonment of the marriage which can be grounds for absolute (instead of limited) divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 ... 2) refusing sex with your spouse for a year or more is an element of constructive abandonment of the marriage which can be grounds for absolute (instead of limited) divorce. How can you prove that? You still live together and no doubt share the same bed, but even if you were living in the spare room you could still be having sex... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 How can you prove that? You still live together and no doubt share the same bed, but even if you were living in the spare room you could still be having sex...That's a question for a lawyer. I imagine it is tricky to prove. Perhaps in an uncontested divorce, both parties simply stipulate that no sex has taken place and and an absolute divorce can be granted partly on that basis. But in a contested divorce (where the party refusing sex denies that sex was refused for a year or more), I honestly have no idea. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 (edited) My situation is unusual in that my wife is the primary breadwinner and I am the primary caregiver of our twelve-year-old. Dude, did you not just go back to work? This is not necessarily true anymore. You are now dual income, co-parents. If you have questions, you would be wise to seek legal advice. Although we may be cheaper, I would not trust the advice of Internet strangers when considering divorce... Edited April 25, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 Dude, did you not just go back to work? This is not necessarily true anymore. You are now dual income, co-parents.Yes, I did. But my wife still earns a lot more than I do. I've seen a lawyer. He says generally that the instigator of the divorce is often the one who leaves, but I found that answer unsatisfactory. My guess is my wife and I will hammer out some sort of agreement (possibly each represented by counsel) should it come to that. I think she should have to move out of the marital home based on her conduct. I hope I didn't weaken my legal position of being the primary caregiver by getting a job, but I suppose the benefits of doing so will outweigh the negatives. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Likewise, she could say that you should move out because you're the one who is unhappy. The correct response is that the two of you should do what's best for the children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 The correct response is that the two of you should do what's best for the children.The best thing for the children is to neither separate nor divorce. Perhaps my wife could bear that in mind the next time she decides to neglect and ignore her husband who has done nothing but love her. Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 My guess is my wife and I will hammer out some sort of agreement (possibly each represented by counsel) You mean neither you or your wife will get the house and two lawyers will be happy? Do not go this way, get over your anger and hurt feelings and talk to her about what is going to happen. If she refuses to move, than you do it. There is no point in selling the house just to pay legal bills because both of you were block headed..... Give the lawyers nothing more than the basic fees, they love it when couples want to fight over every little thing. They get it all and the splitting parties get nothing.... Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 He says generally that the instigator of the divorce is often the one who leaves And you will be the instigator... your wife has decided to withdraw an important part of the marriage and she expects you to be ok with it. And you will be the "baddy", because you are leaving her for a trivial matter as sex... BTW, of course she's entitled to refuse sex... but she doesn't seem to be dealing well with the consequences... Link to post Share on other sites
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