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in separation limbo hell


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My husband and I have been together 9 years. Have a 3 little children, I became very depressed 2 years ago and shut off emotionally. We had a good marriage before although my husband was often not as present. We have been living more like roommates for the past year and tried counseling but I was so numb to everything, I finally opened up again but by then my poor husband felt so emotionally and physically neglected that he told me he wanted a divorce 5 weeks ago. He said he’s not in love anymore and didn’t expect that I would even care.

 

I broke down completely, cried and begged every day until he of course felt completely smothered. I love him and I know we can have a good relationship, I’ve been working with a new therapist and doing more things and feel much better, but I absolutely understand why he feels this way. I really neglected him. He said he felt so empty and needed to be alone and single. He also admitted that he started texting with a girl once we separated, I saw the texts and when it started and while I know that this absolutely didn’t cause or break up, he says it’s nice to finally get some sort of attention. He and I spoke to his therapist who also said that he knows this hurts but has nothing to do with us two. I made my fair share of mistakes so I’m not going to hold this against him even though I told him I’m really hurt.

 

I have felt like dying for the past weeks but I don’t want to give up fighting for my marriage, I started writing him little notes and letters made a list of things I needed to improve and what we could do to not let our marriage ever get to that point again. I used to to these things all the time which he loved. He was adamant he’s not in love and is afraid it’s all empty promises. Last week it seemed like he softened a bit, each time I write him a letter he opens up a bit but when we are together it’s very hot and cold. Yesterday though we went for dinner and cuddled after, we also slept together twice but I think he felt very disconnected. I asked him if I should keep fighting for our marriage and he says he feels conflicted but tells me he can’t give me a definite answer yet. Yesterday he said keep trying. I asked him what his fears are and he said he’s afraid that if we try it gets back to the old ways and that he won’t be able to fall back in love but he’s also conflicted because he feels he might regret not trying, so he’s basicallly undecided.

 

He agreed to counseling but was clear he didn’t want to go with the gol to fix the marriage but to communicate through this. He feels pressured really quick and smothered and then backs off so I’m trying to not push for an answer anymore as that would mean the end for sure.

 

We have 3 little kids all under 3 and I don’t want my family to break up, I love him very much and think we can work through this and become stronger but this limbo is pure hell, especially knowing that he’s texting with some girl (she lives in another county though so nothing physical so far but I mean he could easily hook up with anyone as he’s been very clear that we are separated and considered single both)

 

We are still living together and have to for now, still sleeping in the same bed. I know what everyone is going to say he’s having his cake but it’s so tricky, I can’t do a 180 bc my emotional unavailability is what made him leave and it feels like we are connecting more by spending time together, and he seems to open up more sometimes. Although I have to be super careful for it not too seem to pushy. I just don’t know what to do. A 180 would then not work bc I guess that’s what he’s afraid of? It’s such agony to be in this place. I proposed date nights to get closer and we had a really nice dinner yesterday but most nights we don’t spend together on the weekends. Im sorry this was so long my friends are tired of me I think dissecting every move and message and every day it’s such an up and down, but I just can’t give up. I am really hoping for some guidance here.

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I proposed date nights to get closer and we had a really nice dinner yesterday but most nights we don’t spend together on the weekends.

 

Where does he stay on the weekends? Another county doesn't sound like a lot of physical separation between him and his "friend".

 

He agreed to counseling but was clear he didn’t want to go with the goal to fix the marriage but to communicate through this.

 

Seems like your best hope. Quit asking for answers from him and try to find a good counselor who can lead you past some challenging roadblocks. You might also emphasize his chance to keep the family together.

 

Welcome to LoveShack. Sorry it's under these circumstances...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Wallysbears

You have three kids under three?

 

You’re a saint. Your husband should be worshipping the ground you walk on, not talking to other women. You’ve spent 27 of the last 36 months or so carrying his children...and sacrificing your body, sleep and sanity.

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I’ve done my fair share of mistakes so I’m far from a saint. I have a lot making up to do, I rejected him for so long, physically and emotionally. I’m just so sad and confused in this limbo. He keeps saying things like I don’t trust that it will not go all back to the old ways in three months but I also realize that sometimes we won’t know that until we try, but I’m just not ready to take that risk.

 

And then on the other hand he’s like but I know it’s so unfair for you to be in this limbo and I’ve said to you clearly it’s over but you asked me to reconsider so now I’m just confused. I’ve read the text messages he is writing with this other girl and they are “rather” harmless and he answers all my questions about her but I can sense how he feels backed in a corner quickly and then shuts off when I talk about her. Either way she lives in another country, but still.

 

When I ask him why he’s so confused about making a decision he says he’s afraid to get hurt again by me but he’s also afraid of regretting a divorce, but then some says he’s not. He feels so much closer when I’m nice to him with letters and notes, not necessarily when I ask him to talk about his feelings. But then he feels so cold and it’s always me initiating physical contact. I’m hurting so much every day, but I was hurting then times worse when I thought it was over for sure.

 

Every day I have to baffle my anxiety to not push him for an answer but also I’m so terrified of the day I’ll get one, or that it will be months down the line I know everyone is going to think he’s an ass but he has put up with a lot from me and got to his breaking point so I feel incredibly guilty and just want to fix my marriage and want my husband back, I don’t want to be a single mom and I know he would be able to adapt so easily to live alone because he’s very independent and strong and just moves forward rather than wallowing, I on the other hand had a mental breakdown when he left, and honestly some days though I couldn’t do it anymore.

Every since I feel there is a tinyyyyy but hope I at least manage to get out of bed.

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I don’t know what to say to help, but I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

And yeah, I agree with the above poster- three children under the age of three is A LOT to handle.

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The fact that he says he is no longer in love with you is a big problem. If he was still in love he would be willing to work on the marriage especially with 3 little kids involved. I don't know what you've done to hurt him from what you wrote other than be emotionally unavailable. I would imagine with 3 kids under 3 you have been pulled every which way but loose and for him to expect love letters and poems at this stage is a bit selfish. He should be doing everything he can to help and support you. Not texting with some girl in another country.

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I don’t want to be a single mom and I know he would be able to adapt so easily to live alone because he’s very independent and strong and just moves forward rather than wallowing, I on the other hand had a mental breakdown when he left, and honestly some days though I couldn’t do it anymore. Every since I feel there is a tinyyyyy but hope I at least manage to get out of bed.

 

Seems a little righteous anger here might serve you well. He's not off on some self-improvement quest, he's walking away from you and 3 young kids because he didn't get enough attention.

 

How much attention have you gotten in the last three years?

 

Quit making excuses for him. You mentioned marriage counseling, when is the first appointment?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Did you suffer post partum depression after the birth of your children? If so, a little understanding would be in order from your husband... the man who has now begun texting another woman because he was feeling neglected while you were birthing and caring for his children.

 

I know it’s hard, but you need to stay strong. Fighting to keep your family together is a noble goal, but not at the expense of keeping a spouse who puts his own needs ahead of those of his children and family. If that is the case, you may be better without him. Take care of yourself - you don’t have the right to give up because you have three little lives depending on you...

Edited by BaileyB
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Of course he will feel neglected, because you have neglected him. But you have a very serious reason: 3 kids under 3 and sever depression. He didn't understand this? It seems a very immature man to me. Do you really want him to stick around?

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Sorry it's a sad sitch and as always especially for the kids.

And no not at all , he's probably not having he's cake to at all , usually at a time like this you don't even wanna sleep together.

ls there some reason he's not in another room or on the couch right now.

Reason l say is some space and distance might help him sort his side of things out better , but he won't even be able to think in the same bed.

lt'll help him miss you too.

At least it helped me getting outa there for awhile when we were going through it.

 

 

On the rest , l dunno , but it sounds like your efforts are slightly bringing him round , so l might be way wrong here ,,, but l'm thinking keep it up and keep showing you want this..

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Please just trust me when I say that I’ve seriously made my mistakes and totally understand why he eventually fell out of love. I am far from a saint, so I’m just trying to make up for that and be healthy again.

 

He said that part of him is afraid that it will go back to the old ways, which I honestly don’t think I cold ever let happen again after now really working on why this happened, and another part of him doesn’t know if he still wants the future bc at the moment he doesn’t feel in love and maybe too much broke. I said that if he really wanted me to keep fighting for our marriage and if now that I’m feeling more to my back self is helping and he said that ye it helps either way through the process even if we divorce, but I said what about a future and he said sure if I had 0% hope then I wouldn’t be still here. But then I asked him if he wanted to do something on the weekend at night since Friday dinner felt so nice and he said he wasn’t sure he had to see what other plans he had, and I backed off right away. It’s really such torture also knowing he does consider himself single now, he said if we really try again and he wants to then it will be 100% not something half but if I would press him for that now I know his answer would be that he wants to be single and not try because he’s not in love

 

Does anyone feel he would just detach emotionally as soon as he meets someone he feels in love with? It feels like we are slowly connecting again but I’m so afraid that if he’ll decide against it eventually I will be back to square one and in hell. What else can I do to make him fall back in love again :(

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I’m sorry, I know you want your husband and your family back...

 

But, what I see right now is a man who has one foot in and one’s foot out the door. He wants to be single, he wants to explore his options... I’m trying really hard to understand why you are pleading and trying to win him back?

 

Surely, he has some responsibility in the success/failure of your marriage? Do you want a partner who is committed to you and wants to be the leader of your family... how much are you planning to lower your self respect to convince him to recommit to you and your children?

 

You can’t make him fall back in love with you. Either, he loves you and he wants to be a family and raise your children together... or he doesn’t.

Edited by BaileyB
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Turning point
He's not off on some self-improvement quest, he's walking away from you and 3 young kids because he didn't get enough attention.

 

Yes, I agree that you might be the one getting played here. 3 young kids? Plus - a wife in distress?

 

He needs to man up - he created this family and he has a responsibility to both YOU and those kids. Life is not an amusement park he can just walk away from when it's not all fun and games.

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Yes, I agree that you might be the one getting played here. 3 young kids? Plus - a wife in distress?

 

He needs to man up - he created this family and he has a responsibility to both YOU and those kids. Life is not an amusement park he can just walk away from when it's not all fun and games.

 

Indeed, I find it difficult to comprehend what you have done that is so grievous that he feels entitled to walk away from his family and his young children. I’m also struggling to understand why you seem so willing to assume the blame for his decision...

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3 Years ago I was assaulted, and didn’t tell a single person, I became angry at my husband blaming him for everything that was wrong or so I thought, in our marriage, i would not let him touch me, hug me, kiss me, I would feel completely numb and if I wasn’t numb I was cold and angry. I didn’t go to any events with him anymore he basically had to do everything alone. He tried to hard to pull me back for 2 years but I didn’t feel anything, it must have been pure hell for him and I don’t know how he handled it so long. I finally opened up and have been doing a lot of work on the Trauma and feel more back to my old self but it feels too late I guess. when I mean I was no saint i really mean that. We had a great relationship before all this happened and he is a wonderful husband and father, and is still supporting me in every way possible just is very honest about his feelings. Everyone makes it sound like poor me, but I’m the one to blame that our relationship broke and I would give the world to fix it.

 

Then what’s that 1% hope he still has, is that something I should hold on to? I know you can’t make anyone love you but people do fall in love again even after so much hurt. I don’t know what I should be doing. I also don‘t want to lose my family to some other woman if there comes one along he then really connects with. I’m not degrading myself but I’m trying to be kind and loving towards him.

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Mlala, please know that I have tremendous empathy for your pain.

 

You did not cause the relationship to break. You were assaulted. That is not your fault, nor is the fact that you had a difficult time dealing with the trauma after the assault. It must have been tremendously stressful for your husband, but it still doesn’t give him the right to walk away from his family. I’m sorry.

 

NOTHING that you did should cause him to leave your family - particularly as you are getting counselling and working to heal yourself.

 

Are you still seeing a counsellor? I would encourage you to talk with that person, and have them guide you in your attempt to reconcile with your husband or deal with the thought of moving forward on your own. If he hasn’t already, ask him to attend counselling with you. Or, encourage him to get some individual counselling (if he hasn’t already).

 

Sadly, these kinds of things will either make a relationship stronger or the relationship will not survive the stress. Whatever happens with your marriage, please know - YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS. You did the best you could to cope with an assault. I hope your husband can understand that.

Edited by BaileyB
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Yes I’m in counseling and he has been in counseling too for a while now. We today attended counseling together although he was clear he didn’t want to attend with the end goal to get back together as that felt too much for him but to communicate better and not run into any miscommunication. I was very clear in the session that I wanted to save my marriage to which he then after said all the things that I posted earlier. I am so confused if there is a chance or not :(

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he was clear he didn’t want to attend with the end goal to get back together as that felt too much for him but to communicate better

 

I am so confused if there is a chance or not :(

 

We are not him, so we obviously can not tell you what he is thinking. But, based on this statement, I would say that reconciliation is unlikely. I’m sorry.

 

As you must be aware, a marriage requires two willing and committed partners. You do not have that right now.

 

I hate to discourage you, but I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he may not want to reconcile. If that is the case, what kind of support will you need - both emotional and financial - to deal with things and parent your children. Because, as I said earlier, you don’t really have any other option... you both have three little lives depending on you. I hope you both find the strength to remember that and care for your children - above all else.

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Please just trust me when I say that I’ve seriously made my mistakes and totally understand why he eventually fell out of love. I am far from a saint, so I’m just trying to make up for that and be healthy again.

Haaaa, don't worry , l knew you were far from a saint.

Butttt, we all eff up or have stuff and the main thing now is you wanna save your family, can't knock that and l really hope it comes together again for you all.

And yep , l think there's a very good chance just personally.

He's looking for consistency , l think he wants it too but he wants to be sure he can trust it as well.

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I guess I’m confused because when we spoke after therapy I asked him if he believed that people can fall back in love and he said yes. And then I asked him what is keeping him from recommitting to trying, and he said part of it is the fear that things will go back to the old ways and part of it is him not knowing if too much has been broken and if he wants a future with me.

 

I asked him if I should keep fighting for our marriage and he said yes if I would have 0% hope then I Wölfling still be here. But I also know that he considers himself single and still writes texts with this other women who’s going through divorce. I asked him if he didn’t want to recommit because that meant he had to give up being single and he said no it has more to do with him and I and if he recommits he wants el do it a 100% and he just isn’t sure yet. I think the reason he said this about counseling is because he doesn’t want to feel backed in a corner or pressured since he hasn’t made up bis mind about whether he would like to work on the relationship or not.

 

But at least this is a step forward from 5 weeks ago where he was adamant it was over. I don’t want to push him but I also don’t know how much longer I can stay in the limbo... but I have zero chance if I push him. Any advice on how to reconnect without pushing/smothering? 180 isn’t a good idea obviously but something similar?

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But I also know that he considers himself single and still writes texts with this other women who’s going through divorce. I asked him if he didn’t want to recommit because that meant he had to give up being single and he said no it has more to do with him and I and if he recommits he wants el do it a 100% and he just isn’t sure yet.

 

I could be wrong, but I think he is sending mixed messages because he wants to explore other options... he is trying to keep you around as a back-up plan, while he texts this other woman and explores another relationship.

 

Again, I think the question to ask yourself is not necessarily how do you convince him to fall back in love but do you really want a man who is not 100%committed to you and your children?

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It doesn’t sound to me like you did anything that bad. You were assaulted and have 3 very young children. That would be hard for anybody to handle. And I just don’t agree with behaving as if you are single (texting or hooking up with other women) while trying to decide if you want to stay in your marriage or not. It’s one thing to separate and not date anybody else while deciding what to do with your marriage. And then once you have decided for sure what you want to do, to file for divorce and then possibly start dating other people. But it doesn’t sound like that is what is happening. I don’t think this is fair to you at all. You are still his wife. But I know everybody has different “rules” when they separate. I just don’t agree with what he is doing at all.

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well 5 weeks ago he said that it was over and there was no way we were getting back to we separated with the intention of being single. Then after 3 weeks and me pleading with him he said ok you know what nothing changes but let’s just take it day by day, that’s all I can give you know and see if we can become friends again and maybe build up on that without labeling it.

 

he said if that’s something you can’t do and I realize it’s unfair then I understand, but me unwilling to let go I said ok let’s take it day by day and see if at some point he wants to recommit to trying again. Because I was in pure hell and this seems more manageable although I’m petrified each day.

 

I do want that more than anything so I’m stuck in this position that I realize sounds super unfair to me. I don’t know whether he’s hooked up with the women he’s writing with and I wonder if I should hire a PI to find out maybe that would help me move on or would just complicated things

 

I truly believe him that no other women is the reason he wants out but it of course makes it easier to not face the realities of a break up. I think he’s confused about his feelings because whenever I ask him if I should just move on and we both move on he said we can take it day by day, but if I press for an answer he’ll run as fast as he can.

 

I was quite nasty during the two years he tried to fight for me, constantly angry and yelling at him nothing he did was good enough, I would not even let him touch me or give me a kiss I would make snarky comments in front of strangers I took all my anger out on him and we lived separate lives, like roommates, while before that our relationship was great, and of course stuff like that erodes love no matter why I acted that way. That’s why I’m putting up with this limbo I guess because I feel a great deal of responsibility for the marriage break down and think we can get to a healthy place that we were in before.

 

But part of me is so terrified of him telling me no that being in this limbo is almost better than knowing he’s out for sure. I think the reason he says to take it day by day is because he’s afraid he’ll regret the decision to divorce but he’s equally afraid to go back to an unhappy marriage. I don’t think he wants a relationship but I’m sure he wants to sleep with this women, he’s traveling for work next week (I know he is for sure) but I’m kinda wondering if he invited her to come which is why I am thinking about hiring a PI but I mean since there are no rules he’s technically free to do whatever he wants, so what would knowing me do? I couldn’t confront him about it bc that would mean it’s over so I would have to see if that means it’s over for him or if I could forgive him that when he decided to recommit to trying.

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well 5 weeks ago he said that it was over and there was no way we were getting back to we separated with the intention of being single. Then after 3 weeks and me pleading with him he said ok you know what nothing changes but let’s just take it day by day, that’s all I can give you know and see if we can become friends again and maybe build up on that without labeling it. he said if that’s something you can’t do and I realize it’s unfair then I understand, but me unwilling to let go I said ok let’s take it day by day and see if at some point he wants to recommit to trying again. Because I was in pure hell and this seems more manageable although I’m petrified each day.

 

Not once has he said anything positive about being committed to you and your marriage, it's been all you.

 

Don't think you really need a PI to know how he feels about the relationship. He sees himself as single, with all that means. At some point, you'll have to deal with facts rather than wishes and hopes...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Absolutely.

 

I wouldn’t waste my money on a PI at this point. His actions, and his words, have been very clear to you. And, the day that I have to hire a PI to learn if my husband has been cheating is the day the trust has been lost and my marriage is over - regardless of what the PI learns...

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