Young, no children and no mortgage - separation/divorce

[Cng51]

Sorry if the title seemed weird, it's just that a lot of forums

about separation/divorce tend to focus on doing what's best for the children, but there aren't any involved in my case.

 

I am married to a really wonderful guy. He is caring, thoughtful and kind, but I just don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore. We've been together since we were 18, are both 25 now and had a big white wedding last year, but I just feel so much regret now.

 

We have been through so much together, and I supported him through mental health struggles and the loss of a parent, and he has supported me too.

 

I REALLY don't want to hurt him, and feel incredibly guilty as he hasn't got much family and he has said things to me like 'If I didn't have you, I'd have nothing.' But, I feel like I've given so much and and sacrificed so much, that I feel trapped. I feel like I've not had a chance to live my life and have freedom, because since I've met him I've had to take on a lot of emotional baggage. My family isn't exactly easy either, you know?

 

I just feel so guilty as he spent a fair bit on our wedding last year, and I'm scared that my friends and family are going to judge me harshly if we separate so soon (despite the fact we've been together for 7 years already!). Though, I think my family will get over it and some of my friends will understand.

 

I'm not scared of being on my own, and I am quite an independent person so I know that I'll survive (I can't move back home as I have a job where I live). But I am so scared of hurting someone who has given me so much and who loves me. He really is wonderful and I love him, but I'm just not in love with him anymore.

 

We have no children, no mortgage and no real financial ties except for a joint bank account. He has inheritance money, but I don't want any of it - it's his and he deserves every last penny. I just want to make this as easy as possible for him.

 

ANY advice would be greatly appreciated!

[DKT3]

These kind of stories are always interesting because there is usually another person involved or some irrational fear of missing something better.

 

On the other hand its difficult to grow in the same direction when you're young (been with my wife since I was 17).

 

Question, is there a part of you that was more interested in the wedding then actually being married?

[basil67]

You haven't mentioned whether or not he's aware of how you're feeling - if he's not aware, then he will be blindsided, and this is the worst way to go.

 

I think you owe it to him to try and work through this together before calling it quits. If you both work on it and nothing changes, then at least he won't be hit with it unexpectedly

[elaine567]

If you are certain this is not the man for you long term, then rip off the Band-aid, asap.

Do not string him along, have a baby, get a new house, etc in attempt to make it work, these things just trap you further and do not usually save marriages They usually just cause more hurt.

[Cng51]

These kind of stories are always interesting because there is usually another person involved or some irrational fear of missing something better. On the other hand its difficult to grow in the same direction when you're young (been with my wife since I was 17). Question, is there a part of you that was more interested in the wedding then actually being married?

 

Thank you for the response.

 

There's no-one else involved, I could never be unfaithful to him. I don't think I could do better if I tried, I just feel that though we have a lot of things in common, we are quite different people and I feel that more and more as I'm getting older. I suppose being married has highlighted that more than before.

 

Not really, he wanted a big white wedding as he likes showing off (in the nicest possible way). I just wanted to make him happy so I went along with it, though it was pretty stressful!

Edited April 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Cng51]

You haven't mentioned whether or not he's aware of how you're feeling - if he's not aware, then he will be blindsided, and this is the worst way to go.

 

I think you owe it to him to try and work through this together before calling it quits. If you both work on it and nothing changes, then at least he won't be hit with it unexpectedly

 

Thank you for your response.

He doesn't know how I'm feeling. He isn't the easiest person to talk to about our relationship problems, he just freaks out and then it turns into an argument. I suggested relationship counselling once and he went in a mood. I will try talking to him again and give it a go, if it doesn't work out then I at least I tried!

[BaileyB]

It’s the seven year itch... supposedly, a common time for happiness in a relationship to decline and couples to separate or divorce.

 

I think marriage counselling is a good idea. I would not want to end a marriage without knowing that I had given it everything...

 

It’s probably fair to assume that you got too serious too fast with this guy. I have a friend who did that - she wanted to be the first to have a serious relationship, to get married, to have a baby... She was also the first to get divorced, because she felt that she felt trapped in her marriage, driving kids to their activities, dealing with the stress of work and family life. She felt like she had missed out on her youth, and didn’t know who she was anymore...

 

It could be that you were young when you got together, and you are growing apart and not really compatible. That happens to lots of young people who were young when they met their partner and have never dated anyone else. It could also be that you have a good relationship, but you haven’t developed a sense of self - such that you have no idea what you want for your life or your future. This could be why you got talked into a white wedding that you didn’t really want... because it was what he wanted and it was the next thing to do. It could also be why you are feeling trapped. Perhaps, individual counselling is in order if you need to develop more self awareness and decide what you should do, for yourself and your marriage.

 

Only you know what you should do. Counselling will help you to find these answers. If you decide that you are not compatible and you do not see your future with this man, tell him now. Don’t be like my friend and wait until you have three kids and a dog and a mortgage to pay... And, if you decide to stay together, marriage counselling will help you to communicate better - such that you don’t go along with a white wedding you don’t truly want and he doesn’t shut down everytime you try to talk about something important with him.

 

Best wishes.

Edited April 9, 2019 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

I REALLY don't want to hurt him, and feel incredibly guilty as he hasn't got much family and he has said things to me like 'If I didn't have you, I'd have nothing.' But, I feel like I've given so much and and sacrificed so much, that I feel trapped. I feel like I've not had a chance to live my life and have freedom, because since I've met him I've had to take on a lot of emotional baggage. My family isn't exactly easy either, you know?

 

Nothing here explains why you're ready to walk away from a new marriage without even trying? No relationship is easy all the time but you're willing to bail at the first bump in the road. Seems like some missing pieces to the puzzle...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cng51]

It’s the seven year itch... supposedly, a common time for happiness in a relationship to decline and couples to separate or divorce.

 

I think marriage counselling is a good idea. I would not want to end a marriage without knowing that I had given it everything....

 

Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I definitely think individual counselling is needed first, I definitely feel like I've lost my sense of self over the years. It's only been in the past few months that I've stopped trying to please everyone and really thought about my own happiness. I have a difficult family that is reliant on me for support, and looks to me for stability (including my parents).

 

I've also been helping my husband through various things over the years, the loss of a parent, the long-term illness of another, the loss of grandparents, relationship break down with a horrible sibling, mental illness, organising him through university etc. I know that these are things that come with marriage/long-term relationships, but I think I was too young to cope with it all at the time, on top of all of my family dysfunction. My husband is much better now and is doing really well, but I feel burned out.

 

Once I've had individual counselling, I'll think about marriage counselling. I need to sort my own head out first, really. Thank you for giving me some clarity.

Edited April 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bathtub-row]

You both got involved at too young of an age and never gave yourselves a chance to grow on your own. The fact that you can’t talk to him about this without him acting like a child is a bad sign. You’re going to need to keep bringing it up until it sinks in with him. He has a lot of growing up to do.

[PegNosePete]

The fact that you can’t talk to him about this without him acting like a child is a bad sign. You’re going to need to keep bringing it up until it sinks in with him. He has a lot of growing up to do.

Yes, this. You need to make him understand that you're serious about this. He can't just "hmph" and ignore it because that will cause your feelings to deteriorate even more. He needs to know that your marriage is in serious trouble and if he doesn't step up and play an active part in fixing it, it is going to end.

[DKT3]

Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I definitely think individual counselling is needed first, I definitely feel like I've lost my sense of self over the years. It's only been in the past few months that I've stopped trying to please everyone and really thought about my own happiness. I have a difficult family that is reliant on me for support, and looks to me for stability (including my parents).

 

This post actually makes sense in terms of you feeling like you are stuck.

 

The thing is, it's not the marriage or your husband that makes you feel trapped. Divorce will not find the answer you're looking for. You are the problem, you are why you feel trapped.

 

I'm not saying problem in the sense that you're a bad person, I mean your need to be a people pleaser mean you carry the burden. Try this, say no. It can be so freeing.

 

Being married works best when there is a you, him and an us. You have to find and do things that make you happy independent of him, and your family. This will help you develop a sense of self.

Edited April 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

Being married works best when there is a you, him and an us. You have to find and do things that make you happy independent of him, and your family. This will help you develop a sense of self.

 

I’m glad you found my postbhelpful OP. I think there is good wisdom on this too. It is exactly what I was trying to say...

 

It’s not hard when reading what you have written to understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling. I just worry that it has less to do with your marriage, than it has to do with you personally. That’s why, individual counselling is a good start. I have a feeling that if you left your marriage, you would still be feeling burned out and even more lost in this world... You will never regret making this investment in yourself.

[Blind-Sided]

If you are certain this is not the man for you long term, then rip off the Band-aid, asap.

Do not string him along, have a baby, get a new house, etc in attempt to make it work, these things just trap you further and do not usually save marriages They usually just cause more hurt.

 

I agree. I'm in the "Deep" part of that. My wife wants to rip apart 20 years, with a house, kids, so on.

 

 

But to that point... love is how you feel about someone, and how you mesh. Over the years passion will fade, and familiar love builds. (Where you can rely on someone) If he's as good as you say... and there's no real flags (drugs, addictions, strong vices) then he at least deserves to know, and a chance to address any concerns you have.

 

 

But as above... if you really want out... do it now before you screw up a kids life.

[FMW]

Individual counseling is a great idea. Maybe you can also discuss with the counselor how to open communication lines with your resistant husband. You definitely need to do your very best to talk to your husband and see if things can be worked out.

 

Divorce should be a last option (even if you don't have kids), when you've tried everything else.

 

Good luck.

[Mysterio]

a couple of things that come to mind.

 

Don't get Pregnant or adopt kids. Go into counselling to figure out how to communicate with him how you are feeling. after months of it.

 

Tell him how you feel and take it from there.

 

If you get Divorced. Don't go out of your way to date. Get Separated and straight to Divorce. Don't bring in another man romantically into your life until your Divorced by at least 6 months.

 

I think too many people in our society think that being coupled up is the way to be. Even if they are not a great match.

[amaysngrace]

I've also been helping my husband through various things over the years, the loss of a parent, the long-term illness of another, the loss of grandparents, relationship break down with a horrible sibling, mental illness, organising him through university etc. I know that these are things that come with marriage/long-term relationships, but I think I was too young to cope with it all at the time, on top of all of my family dysfunction.

 

There’s no keeping score when it comes to love. It’s suppose to come freely from the heart.

 

You really can’t call it love if you’re keeping a tally.

 

Maybe do more things together that are fun. If you feel like you’ve missed out on your youth then take a trip to Disney or go on a adventurous cruise where you can do fun activities when you’re docked. Put some of the fun back into the marriage since he’s your best friend.