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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 5th April 2019, 11:39 AM   #31
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The more he spent the more frugal I became which made it so unfair to me. He got everything his heart desired while I got nothing because if I spent money too we would have been homeless. This guy was personality disordered and simply would not cooperate with any sort of budget ...
Financially reckless people are at the very least selfish in the extreme. There is no amount of "love" that offsets a person who consistently lowers your standard of living and quiet enjoyment of life with costly self-gratification. When that person is predisposed by some degree of disorder there is a very real danger to staying with them.
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Old 5th April 2019, 12:00 PM   #32
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You're not going to change somebody's money habits unless you are able to take exclusive control of the finances, which isn't likely.
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Old 5th April 2019, 1:14 PM   #33
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Taking control of the finances is a logistical solution to the economics, but will doom the relationship in the long run as resentment builds and financial dishonesty grows. It simply sets the next battle ground.

If one person is capable of frugality in tight times, and the other is not - then their personas are incompatible. One is a taker at any cost, and the other is a rescuer through self sacrifice.

Last edited by Turning point; 5th April 2019 at 1:17 PM..
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Old 5th April 2019, 5:39 PM   #34
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I know the changes needed, I just donít know how to get him to commit to those changes.
Actually lil_missy, I meant the changes in you .

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Point 2 if I can take complete control of finances then it would be best, but I donít know if he will agree. He always feels restricted enough.
How can you take "complete control" if he's willing to incur $25K in hidden debt you don't even know about? If you do move to divorce, one of your concerns will have to be undisclosed obligations he's taken on for which you may be liable. There's everyone from credit card to cash advance to payday/title loans out there...

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Old 5th April 2019, 7:38 PM   #35
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Not gonna lie, the thought has occurred to me that if my marriage were to continue I could have ended up broke with all the lies etc going on. The only reason we have what we have is because we have high incomes and I insisted on saving money. He would have spent much much more if he had been able to get away with it, and heís in finance.

You could end up letting this guy put you in bankruptcy.
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Old 6th April 2019, 9:29 AM   #36
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Being fiscally responsible should be common sense
but addiction comes in many forms
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Old 18th April 2019, 11:24 PM   #37
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I hate my life. I seriously thought about leaving my husband. But itís so hard I basically told him I havenít left yet coz logistically itís too hard.

How do you move on with your life when youíve got no support?

I have my parents who are willing to take me and my son in. My mom is also retired and can look after my son when Iím not there. But I donít get along with them much and I just donít imagine having a pleasant time living with them, in particular my mother is super controlling, manipulative and self centred. I was so relieved when I moved out with my now husband 4 years ago, to finally have my own place where I wonít get told off for watching tv, for just resting and doing nothing. My mom basically doesnít accept me as an individual grown person with my own mind, she just wants me to do exactly what she wants me to do.

At the same time I currently work 4 days and the income I receive is decent that I could have a place for just me n my son. But the reality is itís just going to be very very tiring, I donít know how single mothers do it. Iíd have to drop him off at child care very early each morning, do a full day works then come home do all the rest. I donít think I can do it on my own, to have a little person (2yo) depend on you for everything, on top of that having to work a stressful job and cook and clean and do everything around the house. what if I get sick? Then whoís gonna look after my son? Case in point: Recently my husband moved out for a week at my request then moved back in at my request also. During the time he was away I did everything on my own, it was hard and lonely. My son is not a good sleeper and wakes up at least once per night. I just got so tired by the end of the week I needed my husband to come home. Even though it was hard, but I also felt lighter like a weight lifted, felt excited about the possibilities that the future holds

So my other choice is to stay in this marriage where itís very volatile, when itís good itís great but we fight at least once a week about either money, smoking, other prescription drugs, or gambling ( all things my husband does which really annoy me)

So I feel I really donít have any good options, just whatís the best of the worst

Life is **** if I stay, life is **** if I go.
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Old 19th April 2019, 12:56 AM   #38
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So I feel I really donít have any good options, just whatís the best of the worst
Not trying to be flip, but sometimes such is life.

You need to get out of crisis mode and start thinking long term. If your marriage isnít sustainable, youíll need to put on a happy face and accept temporary help from your family to eventually get where you want to be. Thereís also the wildcard of your husbandís fiscal irresponsibility, who knows what support heíll contribute?

First, decision time on your relationship. Then one step at a time...

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Old 19th April 2019, 8:47 AM   #39
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Again, not to be flip... but, people do it every day.

Women work, raise more than one child, and pay the bills as a single mother... There are women leaving abusive relationships that have no where to go and no social/financial support - they wish they had the support of their parents to help them get settled on their own.

You have a list of reasons why this won’t work... I would offer the advice of Henry Ford, “whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you are right.”

Absolutely no way would I be staying to raise my child in a volitle home with a father who has a possible prescription drug addiction and is financially unstable. I would do almost anything to protect my child... As an adult, and as a parent, we don’t always have a choice - we simply have to do the hard things to protect our children from those things that threaten their emotional well being, safety and security - even if it is their father. Good luck.
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Last edited by BaileyB; 19th April 2019 at 9:08 AM..
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Old 19th April 2019, 10:28 AM   #40
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I would do almost anything to protect my child... As an adult, and as a parent, we donít always have a choice - we simply have to do the hard things to protect our children from those things that threaten their emotional well being, safety and security - even if it is their father.
Bailey brings up a great point. Your entire post above is about what's best for you.

Have you thought about what's best long-term for your child? How you can best provide a healthy and nurturing environment for your son?

You may have to deprioritize your needs for a while to best care for him...

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Old 19th April 2019, 3:23 PM   #41
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Absolutely no way would I be staying to raise my child in a volatile home with a father who has a possible prescription drug addiction and is financially unstable. I would do almost anything to protect my child... As an adult, and as a parent, we don’t always have a choice - we simply have to do the hard things to protect our children from those things that threaten their emotional well being, safety and security - even if it is their father. Good luck.

Agree, and think this bears repeating even one more time.
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