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Beginning of the end


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 3rd April 2019, 2:39 AM   #1
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Beginning of the end

So today it was the last straw, I asked my husband to move out so we seperate for a while. I donít know if this will become permanent but Iím looking at all option definitely preparing myself for a long divorce.

Weíve had money issues from the beginning. I bought a house for us with my own money and we pay the mortgage together. But for the entire time weíve being together he has been terrible with his spending, in the past year his expenses have consistently exceeded his income and this resulted in us dwindling our savings from 25k (mostly mine) down to zero. I promised myself that Iíd keep trying to make this marriage work until we were flat broke then I canít do it anymore. Not when we are faced with possibly not being able to afford our mortgage.

We have a young child (2 yr old) and thatís what made it the decision to seperate so much more difficult. He is a great father in terms of caring for our son.

There has been financial infidelity from him, he has hid huge debts from me. Lots of other. Large sums of money gone with no explanation, or he came up with explanations that just made no sense to me.

I still love him and he loves me but I canít be with someone that is making us broke and driving out family into the ground financially.

We just celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary ( dated another 2 years before that) and we barely made it. On our anniversary he promised me change and said he will never leave me as he loves me too much. But he has promised me many many things over the years and nothing has being realised. Iím forced to face the reality that he is all talk and no action. I kept hoping for 2 years that things would get better like he promised but it never did. We got poorer n poorer.

I have tried to leave him a couple of times but it was too painful and I came back within a day. And I think because of that itís given him the impression that I will always come back. It is very hard to leave him Iíll admit, his being my everything since we met and I canít imagine life without him, I can but it is just misery.

I hope that by asking him to move out and sticking with it for a while, that he will finally realise what he is potentially losing - his wife and his son and his family unit. And maybe it will finally prompt him to make the change He needs.

He has no self control with money and canít exercise any type of discipline. So I canít set him a budget and expect him to stick to it, ever, not once. He spends thousands of dollars just on himself every month. I pay all the bills for the house hold.

So I guess Iím just looking for support and any type of advice. I donít know if this relationship is even worth saving. But at the same time I love him and want us to work and want us to keep our family unit together.

Nothing Iíve experienced in my life has ever compared to this pain of potentially losing my lil family. I just donít even know how to cope with it
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Old 3rd April 2019, 6:10 AM   #2
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I'm very sorry to hear all of this, and unfortunately, I have nowhere to even start on the issue. Love should be enough, but someone who is being secretive, and hiding a serious issue puts the rest of the family in harms way. All I can do is hope someone else has more experience with this who can help.


God bless.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 7:40 PM   #3
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My xH was financially irresponsible. I had to be the adult in the relationship and manage our finances, including having conversations every few months about his spending habits. He would do ok for a while but always returned to the irresponsible behavior. It was a constant stress in our marriage.

We divorced ultimately (not simply because of finances) and he immediately plunged himself back into credit debt and a bad credit rating. He enjoyed being financially secure while we were married, but that experience wasn't enough to make him be responsible when he was on his own again and had no one to manage things for him.

So my (possibly biased) opinion is that people rarely change their bad habits and irresponsible behavior. So the decision you have to make is are you willing to deal with the status quo (financial instability and insecurity) for the rest of your life.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 8:59 PM   #4
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Well, I hope that house is in YOUR name. And I hope you kept receipts.

Yes, you'll be better off without him. The good news is you can INSIST he take joint custody of the child so that you can work and have a social life. If you don't do that, you will regret it. Guys often try to leverage a better divorce deal by threatening to take the child some way and mothers get so emotional they fall for it and give in. You can circumvent all that by insisting up front he take joint custody -- because he's great with the kids, so that's perfect! You can work and have three evenings after work to yourself to do whatever you want. Don't settle for less. Plus if he has joint custody, he will be responsible for buying stuff when they're with him. And it won't be your problem when he goes bankrupt.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 10:27 PM   #5
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Yeah, it's too bad. Some people have mental "blind spots" like that and it's hard to know sometimes going in, especially if they won't own up to it.

Wonder what the thousands that disappeared went to? I guess it won't matter too much soon.
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Old 4th April 2019, 1:48 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by lil_missy View Post
He has no self control with money and canít exercise any type of discipline. So I canít set him a budget and expect him to stick to it, ever, not once. He spends thousands of dollars just on himself every month. I pay all the bills for the house hold.
Really not a financial issue, though I get that's where the symptoms lie. The roots are in self-esteem, impulse control and other neurotic and self-destructive behaviors.

Has he ever spoken to a counselor or therapist about this?

Mr. Lucky
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Old 4th April 2019, 4:24 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Really not a financial issue, though I get that's where the symptoms lie. The roots are in self-esteem, impulse control and other neurotic and self-destructive behaviors.

Has he ever spoken to a counselor or therapist about this?

Mr. Lucky

yes, before you ditch your marriage, what about your husband going for some therapy?
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Old 4th April 2019, 7:30 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Really not a financial issue, though I get that's where the symptoms lie. The roots are in self-esteem, impulse control and other neurotic and self-destructive behaviors.

Has he ever spoken to a counselor or therapist about this?

Mr. Lucky
You always give good advice Mr. Lucky
And I think youíve hit the nail on the head again. At the core of it itís not a financial issue, he definitely has trouble with impulse control, with being able to plan for the future and doing what he says he will, egĒ sure this 2k will last me a month, then 10 days later babe I need more money itís all goneĒ

Iím curious what you mean by self esteem issues ? He def has some confidence issues as in he thinks Iím too good for him and is very insecure about me having male friends. But I donít see how self esteem issues manifests into financial irresponsibly?
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Old 4th April 2019, 7:40 AM   #9
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You have been together for 4 and married for 2 and in that time he has betrayed your trust and spent all your savings...
As it is such a short term relationship, I do not see him getting therapy as being worth it for you.
You could spend years if not decades sorting out his "issues", perhaps even to no avail and in the meantime you become a mental wreck and your child suffers.
Leave him to sort out his problems alone.
Go find a better man to spend your life with, whilst you are still young and relatively unscathed..
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Old 4th April 2019, 7:41 AM   #10
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Thanks everyone for your replies, Iím abit disappointed that no one thinks this marriage is worth saving. But i understand where you are all coming from, I think I would give the same advice if it wasnít me.
Itís just hard coz there is so much on the line, right now I have a family a house thatís all one can hope for in life, I should be happy with it. But instead to go n break up that family is just heart breaking for me.
I just wish he would change or that things would change because we have been through a period of out of the ordinary expenses, including debts, renovations and holidays thatís also hitting our back pocket. And hope that once we return to ď ordinaryĒ it will all work out.

Regarding therapy - he has seen one provided by work a couple of times, coz when we fought a couple times he has cracked at work and his manager noticed. But itís not doing us any favours as he has been telling his one sided story to the therapist and he told me her recommendation was to leave me ( I donít know if thatís true or he is just saying that)
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Old 4th April 2019, 7:49 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
You have been together for 4 and married for 2 and in that time he has betrayed your trust and spent all your savings...
As it is such a short term relationship, I do not see him getting therapy as being worth it for you.
You could spend years if not decades sorting out his "issues", perhaps even to no avail and in the meantime you become a mental wreck and your child suffers.
Leave him to sort out his problems alone.
Go find a better man to spend your life with, whilst you are still young and relatively unscathed..
Thanks for looking out for me, but I donít consider 4 years a short term relationship, nor an insignificant one given we have married and had a child together.
Iím not that young ( early 30s) and how is the totally destruction of my family unit and death of a marriage relatively unscathed?
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Old 4th April 2019, 8:09 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by lil_missy View Post
... how is the totally destruction of my family unit and death of a marriage relatively unscathed?
It is nothing compared to what could transpire in the future with a man whose spending is out of control, who had you not had 25K in savings and a house, could have rendered you bankrupt and homeless already after spending literally thousands per month on himself...
He is a pathological liar and highly secretive and you are still writing fairy stories in your head regarding this perfect family...
You are in fact shackling yourself and your son, to a huge rock hurtling down into an abyss...
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Old 4th April 2019, 8:21 AM   #13
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I understand what you mean about your marriage and family being a big dealóitís the biggest deal. I saw your comment on my postó I have been with my husband for 7 years married for six and two kids. People say all the time Iím lucky this is all happening now while Iím ďyoungĒ (37) and itís hard to see it that way.

But when you think about how some people here were deceived for 25 years or more, had nothing left when they left, are nearing retirement and facing divorce at the same time....your situation seems so much ďeasier.Ē Itís your whole life though and youíre the oldest youíve ever been so you donít see it that way.

Hereís what I think ó it doesnít sound like there is a lot of good here to build on. If you stay together, financially you will end up in the hole unless something changes. Are you gonna wait to lose your house? Iím fortunate that we have assets to divide still but seeing how much my husband was spending on himself in secret I realize that if we had made less money or this had somehow gone on longer I would be in a bad financial situation. Itís like a runaway train with their dishonesty when itís been so consistent for so long.

I value marriage and family more than anything and this has been completely horrible to go through. I think people here are just acknowledging that the likelihood of change in your situation that will make you feel secure again is low and that you still have a lot of your life ahead to have a financial and even relationship situation that is way better for you. That said, a marriage isnít something to be discarded lightly. But I wouldnít have initiated leaving and almost 6 months later Iím so glad I didnít waste any more time in a marriage that was destroying me in ways I didnít even see yet. How the kids will do remains to be seen and Iím not totally out yet but Iím hoping that things will continue to improve with time.

The anxiety that goes with being lied to is horrible though. And the betrayal. It hurts. Sorry youíre here but hopeful some of this helps?
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Old 4th April 2019, 11:07 AM   #14
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Thanks everyone for your replies, I’m abit disappointed that no one thinks this marriage is worth saving.
I like to think most marriages are worth saving, depending on the circumstances. What if you:

#1 - demanded marriage counseling or at least therapy for him to determine why he has these financial issues and how to stop these behaviors, and

#2 - gave him the ultimatum of taking complete control of the finances, meaning that his income is direct deposited into a joint account that you control, he gets a weekly allowance for gas and necessities, and agrees to attend one or more online financial classes to teach him responsible financial habits (there are plenty of free or low-cost online classes.) This could be a temporary solution until he learns to be more responsible (hopefully.)

I cannot imagine he wants to see his marriage fail because of his poor financial habits when there is a way for him to improve and save his marriage and family. I think you can capitalize on that.
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Old 4th April 2019, 11:39 AM   #15
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I had a longterm relationship with a guy who had similar spending habits and it was a nightmare. We were bringing in good money between the two of us and yet I was constantly juggling bills and payments and we just barely scraped by every month. The more he spent the more frugal I became which made it so unfair to me. He got everything his heart desired while I got nothing because if I spent money too we would have been homeless. This guy was personality disordered and simply would not cooperate with any sort of budget and in the end I left him for numerous reasons but finances was one of the main reasons.

If you don't leave your husband and if he want's to save this marriage then he needs to turn over all of the finances to you. His paychecks go directly into an account that only you have access to. You make the budget and pay the bills. You and he agree on the amount of money he needs in his pocket to make it between paydays and you dole it out to him. If there is something extra he wants he has to speak to you first and if you agree that it can fit into the budget then he can have it. It sounds like you would be treating as a child but I actually know several couples where one person handles all of the money and spending because the other person just cannot handle money responsibly. When my uncle got married in his early twenties he let his wife control the money because he knew she would be better at it than him and now 30yrs later they live in a beautiful house, have nice things, have a retirement plan, raised three kids who never had to go without, all because he let his wife manage the money. So don't compromise on this, if he wants to keep his family together then he should willingly turn over his pay to you to manage. Not because he's a child but because he's mature enough and unselfish enough to know that it's for the good of his family.

Also I would really want to know where he has been spending that money. Usually when someone is spending thousands of dollars and they have nothing to show for it, it points to some kind of addiction or really bad habit. Could be drugs or gambling or even playing games online and spending on those stupid in app purchases. I have a friend who has a boyfriend who will sometimes spend over a thousand dollars a month on in app purchases. If your husband has an addiction or obsession with something that will have to be addressed as well.
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