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Husband walked out on me


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 2nd April 2019, 7:08 PM   #16
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you're young, attraction is not difficult at your age, take heart, you learned what pisses him off ... controlling behaviour ... we all learn things



just do not rely on the counsellor to do the work for you


you must make a decision to be tactful, gentler, imagine him as your best friend, forgive and forget what happened yesterday
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Old 2nd April 2019, 7:42 PM   #17
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thank you. he is actually a great father to his kids. he is in all of their lives and loves them all dearly and is never late with child support. he never wanted children, not even his first three, but cant imagine his life without them. the pain and agony that he went through (that i witnessed) when he was missing his first three children was enormous. but not enough to make him go back to his abusive ex wife. i know he misses our children and would financially support them forever. im not worried about that. im just missing my husband and would do anything to get him back. he has lots of issues yes but he is a very kind and giving person. he was a nurse for several years. he has so much compassion for others its almost ridiculous. oh man i feel like i really screwed this up.

we had a good chat today. we both took blame for our parts in the failure of the relationship. i apologized to him for hurting him. i pushed him away from me and i dont know why. he's not ready to come home though and doesn't know if or when he will.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 1:12 AM   #18
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If he won't go to counseling or come back to the marital home, your options are pretty limited. Protecting yourself and your kids should be your first priority.

Summermoe, if he's a "great father to his kids" and "loves them all dearly", you should think long and hard about why he's left. Under most circumstances, involved parents don't jump from a marriage without a place to land.

Do you have a joint cell phone account? Access to the records? If for no other reason than to rule out the possibility, you should at least look...

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Old 3rd April 2019, 7:53 AM   #19
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If he won't go to counseling or come back to the marital home, your options are pretty limited. Protecting yourself and your kids should be your first priority.

Summermoe, if he's a "great father to his kids" and "loves them all dearly", you should think long and hard about why he's left. Under most circumstances, involved parents don't jump from a marriage without a place to land.

Do you have a joint cell phone account? Access to the records? If for no other reason than to rule out the possibility, you should at least look...

Mr. Lucky
I would agree with you, except for this manís history with attachment and mental health issues. That makes this situation infinitely more complicated and unpredictable.

But yes, if he is unwilling to move home or go to counselling, there is nothing you can do except focus on making the best life you can for your children and yourself.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 9:29 AM   #20
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I do have access to phone records and bank accounts. He knows I can check all of that. I havenít seen anything out of the ordinary other than the people heís been telling me heís with. But he is a manager at his work and speaks to multiple people daily so itís hard to pinpoint. I havenít seen any long phone calls though to make me think heís seeing someone.

We talked last night. I asked him to come home and we could just spend time together and not talk about our issues yet. He said no heís not coming home tonight but if I wanted to talk to him over the phone I could. Then this morning he FaceTimed our daughter for a minute but seemed annoyed by me. My heart is shattered. Heís being hot and cold. Do I need to go NC? ☹️
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Old 3rd April 2019, 9:29 AM   #21
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Hate to play Mr. Obvious here, but he was married with 3 children and walked out on her (red flag you ignored) and now you are shocked he walked out on you and your children. He is not a responsible adult and he is not coming back to you.

He will find someone else who will take him divorced twice with 5 children making to same mistake you did.

Last edited by Simple Logic; 3rd April 2019 at 9:34 AM..
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Old 3rd April 2019, 10:42 AM   #22
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My heart is shattered. He’s being hot and cold. Do I need to go NC? ☹️
I would suggest that you need to find yourself a good individual counsellor. You need to learn more about how his life experiences and mental health issues affect him and his ability to commit to a stable, healthy partnership. You also need to figure out how you plan to move forward, assuming he does not come home and you want a healthy coparenting relationship with this man going forward...
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Old 3rd April 2019, 12:14 PM   #23
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You also need to figure out how you plan to move forward, assuming he does not come home and you want a healthy coparenting relationship with this man going forward...
Agree with this Bailey but given his erratic behavior, the OP's sole focus should be on herself and the kids. She's only in charge of herself and needs to look at the future selfishly, for lack of a better term.

Summermoe, you don't have time to be a victim or feel sorry for yourself, too much on your plate...

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Old 3rd April 2019, 1:45 PM   #24
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Agree with this Bailey but given his erratic behavior, the OP's sole focus should be on herself and the kids. She's only in charge of herself and needs to look at the future selfishly, for lack of a better term.

Summermoe, you don't have time to be a victim or feel sorry for yourself, too much on your plate...

Mr. Lucky
Agree completely. You have two little lives who are depending on you to do the right thing. Betting on a man who says he loves you but doesn’t want to live with you, has a history of abandonment, and a host of other problems is not a responsible decision to make for your children.

Individual counselling is in order and I would not advise you to take this man back into your home until/unless you are completely convinced that he is committed to getting help and committed to being there. Not words - he proves it to you by his actions. Your children are depending on you and having a father who comes and goes from their lives at will and a codependent mother who thinks she can “save him” and is willing to do anything to hold onto this man is going to cause more harm than good.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 2:17 PM   #25
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I don't mean to discourage you but it seems that he doesn't want to come back to YOU. He will always love his kids. I wouldn't hold out for him to return home. If he were just hot under the collar it would have passed and he'd be back by now. But he is pretty adamant about not coming back. You need to prepare but it is good that he is financially dependable as far as collecting child support as you will need it.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 2:17 PM   #26
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He says he left because you were too controlling. You have stated that his ex was controlling and that is why he left her. I just want to point out there is a difference between controlling and trying to get your partner to be responsible financially. His continued behavior (especially his refusal to come home and work on things with you) seems more like adolescent tantrums. Maybe you had to be controlling because he acted like a child. I think you need to concentrate on you and your children. Go to counseling for yourself and get some legal advice. Luckily, it seems like he might cooperate with co-parenting, but he doesnít seem willing or capable of being a responsible husband for you.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 3:17 PM   #27
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This is all very good advice but so hard to hear. I know he left his ex wife of 10 years and now he's walking out on me. He says its not all my fault either. He obviously has lost all feelings for me or he would want to work on things. I guess theres nothing left to do but move on for my children. I have started NC to help heal myself. One minute im ok with things the next minute i feel like begging him back. I know begging will do no good. It's so hard.

I've been trying to keep busy with my family and friends. Night time is the hardest. I keep hoping I'll hear him open the door.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 3:48 PM   #28
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He says its not all my fault either.

Well that's a relief.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 4:00 PM   #29
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This is all very good advice but so hard to hear. I know he left his ex wife of 10 years and now he's walking out on me. He says its not all my fault either. He obviously has lost all feelings for me or he would want to work on things. I guess theres nothing left to do but move on for my children. I have started NC to help heal myself. One minute im ok with things the next minute i feel like begging him back. I know begging will do no good. It's so hard.

I've been trying to keep busy with my family and friends. Night time is the hardest. I keep hoping I'll hear him open the door.
Iím so sorry. I canít imagine how you must feel, but you will get through this...
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Old 3rd April 2019, 4:14 PM   #30
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I just talked to him. We are proceeding with divorce. I asked him to get his own bank account and cell phone. I also asked for $1000 a month right now until i can start working more. He is going to take some of his things tomorrow when he comes to see the children. He is still adamant on there being no one else, not that that even matters anymore. I told him I am going friday to file for support. He is agreeing to everything.

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