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My wife no longer feels the same way


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Old 21st March 2019, 3:22 PM   #31
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I would start with, "I didn't realize how much housework and chores you had to do before I had to do them myself." This truly is very often the thing that makes a woman just throw up her hands and leave, because it is about being taken for granted, it's about respect, it's about not caring enough to be sure you're doing your part, and it's about simple exhaustion! At some point, they think, one less person to wait on.

So I'd start there. Those other things likely depressed her, but it's the everyday stresses that break your back. Good luck.
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Old 21st March 2019, 4:50 PM   #32
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I would start with, "I didn't realize how much housework and chores you had to do before I had to do them myself." This truly is very often the thing that makes a woman just throw up her hands and leave, because it is about being taken for granted, it's about respect, it's about not caring enough to be sure you're doing your part, and it's about simple exhaustion! At some point, they think, one less person to wait on.

So I'd start there. Those other things likely depressed her, but it's the everyday stresses that break your back. Good luck.
I've pretty much said those exact words in my head time over. Especially as it's just me doing the housework now. I was a proper lazy ass and allowed her to take on the vast majority of the work.
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Old 21st March 2019, 7:19 PM   #33
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So she got tired of the marriage... ok.

But what I could NEVER, ever imagine - why she left her kids with you?

Most decent Moms would never abandon a child!

She needs to be accountable for that!

There is more to the story and she owes you that info.


Have you offered her marriage counseling? I’d want to address with her why she thought it was ok to leave the kids.
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Old 21st March 2019, 7:31 PM   #34
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So she got tired of the marriage... ok.

But what I could NEVER, ever imagine - why she left her kids with you?

Most decent Moms would never abandon a child!

She needs to be accountable for that!

There is more to the story and she owes you that info.


Have you offered her marriage counseling? Id want to address with her why she thought it was ok to leave the kids.
This is an interesting one that a couple have mentioned. Really odd to me. I'm not sure if it's a trans-Atlantic thing or something. Why would the mother leaving be worse than the father? We raised them equally. I probably did more if the running around to clubs etc if anything.

Plus, abandoned is the weirdest term. She's a couple of miles away. In the 16 days since she's been gone she has seen the girls over half of the days. I know some people whose jobs take them away from their kids as often as that. Just feels really odd (and insanely old fashioned) to look at things that way.
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Old 21st March 2019, 9:20 PM   #35
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This is an interesting one that a couple have mentioned. Really odd to me. I'm not sure if it's a trans-Atlantic thing or something. Why would the mother leaving be worse than the father? We raised them equally. I probably did more if the running around to clubs etc if anything.

Plus, abandoned is the weirdest term. She's a couple of miles away. In the 16 days since she's been gone she has seen the girls over half of the days. I know some people whose jobs take them away from their kids as often as that. Just feels really odd (and insanely old fashioned) to look at things that way.
Because as a Mom, when I was raising my kids - I wanted them with me every day.

I didn’t compare you being with them. I was referring to the way she is participating! And you seem to want to defend her bad behavior.

A great Mom doesn’t willingly leave her kids! Ever!

So why are you defending her?

I commend you for doing a LOT for them... but kids need their Mom.


She has something lined up that is way more important than her kids!

Start finding out what that is!


Great parenting isn’t “old fashioned”... leaving a kid can scar them for life - it shouldn’t happen without a solid plan (like in a divorce decree) so that kids know they aren’t to be blamed and they know how to feel safe and loved.
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Old 21st March 2019, 11:28 PM   #36
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I agree that it’s hard to imagine why a great mom would willingly decide to only see her kids “well over half” of the days instead of very day without something more going on. And yeah people do it for work but then it’s because it’s impossible because of logistics and they determine it’s ultimately what’s best for the family. They don’t just move a few miles away and then not see the kids so they can sit around alone.

Edited to add: I saw that you said this is about how much she was around anyway and your kids have barely noticed? Where the heck has she been? Does she really work that much?

Last edited by chryssy83; 21st March 2019 at 11:33 PM..
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Old 22nd March 2019, 12:00 AM   #37
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Has she ever had a drinking or drug problem?
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Old 22nd March 2019, 3:34 AM   #38
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Yeah. I guess we just see it differently. There are a number of things that are frustrating and confusing about all of this. Her situation with the children isn't one if them for me. The children haven't got an issue with everything as we talked to them about it all. Thinking back, my parents separated when I was younger and it wasn't a worry for me then either.

In terms of work, she finishes at 17.15. Would get home at about 18.00. Girls get up to bed a couple of hours later. That's what I meant by not seeing them much during school time. One daughter was poorly yesterday and off school so my wife took the day off to be with her.
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Old 22nd March 2019, 3:35 AM   #39
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Has she ever had a drinking or drug problem?
No. Drink doesn't really agree with her stomach tbh. She'll have a beer or glass of wine every now and again, but not much more.
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Old 22nd March 2019, 12:20 PM   #40
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This issue with the children is about the narrative. Right now, she gets to leave under the public appearance of normality. If she took the children with her then her actions require immediate accountability - everything changes.

OP,
This is why it matters - this is why you can't seem to get any answers about what is truly going on. If her reasons had real validity they could be expressed and change would be an acceptable process to resolve differences.

She's leaving while attempting to keep up appearances and the visual public image fully intact. That's patently dishonest - and the reason is till unknown.

If you were truly as lazy as you say, she would not have trusted you with the primary residence for the kids, even at age 12 and 15.
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Old 22nd March 2019, 12:21 PM   #41
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Nash82 , There are few things that you need to understand as you are still in denial phase.


As I told you ,same thing happened to me and believe me if you don't take it properly , this will drive crazy , because she unless you realize few things she will lead you to self destruction.


No matter what you do , you will reach no where this way , you will end up being exhausted , doing chores by yourself all the time and the worse , she will use indirectly the kids to blame you , if this happen you will feel the worse.


My wife did the same as yours did,
No cheating involved , yet it is worse.




The situation is simple ,
She opted to delegate the kids responsibility on your shoulders and vist them to give them a hug ,


You need to flip the table otherwise you will become a single dad , buried with more than what you can handle physically emotionally and financially .


The first thing you need to stop doing is blaming and lashing yourself .


She decided to leave u and kids to teach u a lesson or leave for good for better opportunities even if living alone ,


Your wife lacks empathy , and you know it .
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Old 22nd March 2019, 12:26 PM   #42
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Few quick questions :

-how big is your house?
-how lucky nag have she been out .
-how does she come home , by arranging u r not there ??
-where financial issues part of the issues?
-was consultancy suggested by any of u ? What happened ?
-does she earn more than you?
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Old 22nd March 2019, 12:29 PM   #43
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Originally Posted by Turning point View Post
This issue with the children is about the narrative. Right now, she gets to leave under the public appearance of normality. If she took the children with her then her actions require immediate accountability - everything changes.

OP,
This is why it matters - this is why you can't seem to get any answers about what is truly going on. If her reasons had real validity they could be expressed and change would be an acceptable process to resolve differences.

She's leaving while attempting to keep up appearances and the visual public image fully intact. That's patently dishonest - and the reason is till unknown.

If you were truly as lazy as you say, she would not have trusted you with the primary residence for the kids, even at age 12 and 15.
Nash is still in denial phase and he is caving because he doesn't want to admit of failing to please his wife ,
Normal behavior of a man and she is using it
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Old 22nd March 2019, 1:16 PM   #44
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Originally Posted by Turning point View Post
This issue with the children is about the narrative. Right now, she gets to leave under the public appearance of normality. If she took the children with her then her actions require immediate accountability - everything changes.

OP,
This is why it matters - this is why you can't seem to get any answers about what is truly going on. If her reasons had real validity they could be expressed and change would be an acceptable process to resolve differences.

She's leaving while attempting to keep up appearances and the visual public image fully intact. That's patently dishonest - and the reason is till unknown.

If you were truly as lazy as you say, she would not have trusted you with the primary residence for the kids, even at age 12 and 15.
Not sure I agree fully there, but understand where you're coming from. I was incredibly lazy in terms of listening to her and allowed her to do pretty much all the cleaning etc. However, I wasn't lazy with looking after the children. I probably was the main parent there if you had to pick between us.

She's not hugely hiding anything from people. As the reaction on here has shown, I'm not sure how her leaving keeps up appearances. Surely many will feel like many on here that she's horrible for leaving?
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Old 22nd March 2019, 1:19 PM   #45
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Originally Posted by zouz71 View Post
Nash82 , There are few things that you need to understand as you are still in denial phase.


As I told you ,same thing happened to me and believe me if you don't take it properly , this will drive crazy , because she unless you realize few things she will lead you to self destruction.


No matter what you do , you will reach no where this way , you will end up being exhausted , doing chores by yourself all the time and the worse , she will use indirectly the kids to blame you , if this happen you will feel the worse.


My wife did the same as yours did,
No cheating involved , yet it is worse.




The situation is simple ,
She opted to delegate the kids responsibility on your shoulders and vist them to give them a hug ,


You need to flip the table otherwise you will become a single dad , buried with more than what you can handle physically emotionally and financially .


The first thing you need to stop doing is blaming and lashing yourself .


She decided to leave u and kids to teach u a lesson or leave for good for better opportunities even if living alone ,


Your wife lacks empathy , and you know it .
Thing is, I agree with most of that. She certainly lacks empathy. She would find it hard to use the kids against me though. I'm prepared for the single dad side of things. I was never incapable of doing housework, I just rarely did it. Plus, the girls are both old enough to help there.
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