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Wife sleeps somewhere else


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Old 14th March 2019, 6:33 PM   #1
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Wife sleeps somewhere else

I have situation with wife, (would like to refer to previous/original thread). I initially have issues with her financial infidelity which causes all types of trouble for the entire family/household to the point that we don't afford even the basics-utilities etc. I provided for the family as sole provider for years, but my finances fell because I lost out on the supplementary income I had. she has meanwhile upgraded and has better pay- I tool out a loan for her studies.

When she finished, I thought it was God send but turns out she had totally different plans. Loaned big amounts of money which she spend elsewhere, and now we suffer because of the large instalments on repayment of loans. She refuses to discuss her finances-"I will never expose my finances to you"-her exact words.


Our situation has disintegrated so much that there is nothing regarding intimacy, cooperation or anything between us. I now find that she spends some week nights out/ sleeps elsewhere or comes in very late (we no longer sleep together). I have no interest to find out what is going on, I really don't care much even if she sleeps with another man. I should understand since we have no intimacy at all. I just find it totally disrespectful towards me and the kids. It offends me. I am considering divorce and because it is such a big project, I am busy preparing myself mentally. The thing is that all assets we have I sourced, it makes me so angry that if we divorce everything must be sold and she must get half, just because according to her she has laboured by being soiled by me for years.
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Old 15th March 2019, 12:01 AM   #2
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I now find that she spends some week nights out/ sleeps elsewhere or comes in very late (we no longer sleep together). I have no interest to find out what is going on, I really don't care much even if she sleeps with another man. I should understand since we have no intimacy at all. I just find it totally disrespectful towards me and the kids. It offends me.
I'm going to point out the contradiction here because it will speak to future plans. Of course you care if she's sleeping with someone else, it has a big impact on you and your family's future. Certainly normal to be offended and feel disrespected.

traditional, what do you want? You've been unnecessarily passive to this point in tolerating her behavior, time to make a decision. Work on the marriage? File for divorce? You've been in limbo, time to take some control...

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Old 15th March 2019, 12:43 AM   #3
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Don't put off filing for divorce. Do it immediately.

The plain fact of the matter is that your wife is simply using you. You paid for schooling, and now she has the career/income she wants and you are irrelevant to her, save but your ability to pay bills and take care of the kids.

Divorce is not the "big project" you think it is. It moves deliberately slow, and can take many months to get through - especially with a hostile and non-cooperating spouse. You will have plenty of time to prepare as you do, and grieve when you are done.

The longer you wait the worse your situation will be. You'd be right not to get bogged down in where she is sleeping because frankly, infidelity is the least of your problems. She's a user - and that makes the cheating a side show to what is really going on in your life.

Focus on the real reason you need to get out of this marriage - which is what you identified a very long time ago. She also told you point blank - that she's not going to share anything financial with you. Yet, I;m sure she has no problem taking...
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Old 15th March 2019, 2:06 AM   #4
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Sounds like she does not want to co-operate willingly. If she wants half she should also get half the debt. If that 150k loan was for a house you also want that in the split. She will not tell you so do not ask her, now is not the time to get her upset so there is no point in agitating her. Use your time together and engage in meaningful conversation, you want her to let her guard down and if she drops any hints use a good poker face. If you can check bank records for joint accounts, phone records, her phone messages if you can, if she uses a home computer, history or temp files may let you in where she has visited on the net. Email if possible and just check around the home there might be something to give you some hints. She has likely hinted about what is going on in the past, try to remember past conversations, spend time thinking back, then try to prove what she said. Do not let her know what you are up to, you will need as much information as you can get. Is she building a nest egg for after the divorce? That nest egg should also be in the split.


She may not have earned half but do not let her have more than half.
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Old 15th March 2019, 9:02 AM   #5
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File for divorce and she will have to "expose her finances" to you.

Things are very unlikely to get better. You're only prolonging the misery. You can recover financially and emotionally and surely have a happier life.
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Old 15th March 2019, 11:32 AM   #6
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It sounds to me like you do not hold out much hope for salvaging the relationship, but you are concerned about the financial implications of a separation/divorce.

In my case, I was married for 32 years to a financial irresponsible person. Early in our relationship, I started keeping all my finances separate. I saved retirement money. I took a job with a guaranteed pension. He, on the other hand, racked up a ton of debt. I (stupidly) cosigned for some of those debts because he could not get them on his own.

Fast forward to divorce - he got half of my retirement fund and will get half of my pension when (if) I retire. What did I get in the divorce? I got half of his debt - even the stuff I didn't cosign for! To add insult to injury, shortly after we divorced, he filed for bankruptcy, leaving me with all of the debt.

I lived like a pauper for five years after the divorce and I am just now getting back on my feet. The way I look at it, you can keep it going the way it is - hemorrhaging debt - or you can put a stop to it now, cut your losses, and move forward with the knowledge that YOU are in charge of your own financial destiny.
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Old 15th March 2019, 5:24 PM   #7
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Oh Vla, that sounds horrible! Can't believe they made you pay half of your ex husband debt, was it no fault or at fault divorce?

Quote:
Originally Posted by vla1120 View Post

In my case, I was married for 32 years to a financial irresponsible person. Early in our relationship, I started keeping all my finances separate. I saved retirement money. I took a job with a guaranteed pension. He, on the other hand, racked up a ton of debt. I (stupidly) cosigned for some of those debts because he could not get them on his own.

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Old 29th March 2019, 3:36 PM   #8
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Considering?

You are considering filing for divorce?! Considering?! What could she do to actually make you do it?

Seriously, she has absolutely no respect for you, your family, your finances, etc. She is VERY toxic to you and everything about you. Divorce her ASAP. The sooner the better.

Do not financially support her any more than you have to. Not one cent. Don't pay ANYTHING for her, don't do ANYTHING for her. Tell her she is not wife material and you won't be married to her as she is served with the divorce.
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Old 29th March 2019, 5:07 PM   #9
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Oh my goodness, this is awful. Financial information should no longer be so private when you are married, too. Are you the only one who signed on the loans for her studies? Is her name on them, too? The ramifications of this are important in terms of who gets saddled with the student loan debt when you separate.

I would seek legal advice immediately to protect yourself financially and dissolve this marriage.
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Old 1st April 2019, 11:49 AM   #10
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Oh Vla, that sounds horrible! Can't believe they made you pay half of your ex husband debt, was it no fault or at fault divorce?
It was a no fault divorce. I blame myself. I could have fought some of it, but I really did not want to go through a huge battle with him. I just wanted to divorce him and move on with my life, so I was willing to pay to get out of the situation. Funny thing about that, I ended up doing almost the same thing with my second husband. I felt guilty about leaving him because of his cancer, so I paid his rent through the end of the lease when I left (9 months of rent.) Lesson learned the hard way (twice.) No more for me!
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Old 1st April 2019, 12:19 PM   #11
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Lesson learned the hard way (twice.) No more for me!
No more husbands or no more paying their debts ???

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Old 1st April 2019, 12:26 PM   #12
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why are you still married to this psycho?
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Old 2nd April 2019, 1:08 AM   #13
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No more husbands or no more paying their debts ???

Mr. Lucky
Yes to both.
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