LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

Did I do the right thing? Desperately seeking :(


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Like Tree7Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12th March 2019, 4:31 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 16
Did I do the right thing? Desperately seeking :(

Dated 1 year and married a little over 1 year. Things were all fine and lovey dovey in the beginning then started to go down hill as soon as he found out my fertility test result, which was bad. I'm 39, he's 48 not exactly in tip top shape either. We fought and made up few times, mostly about the struggle to have kids.

He's the avoidant attachment type and i'm the anxious type. Part of me always had fear he'll leave if we can't end up having kids, which he told me so. At one point he went to bank his sperms without telling me first, which got me thinking he's saving it for future purpose with someone else. He suggested using donor eggs, to which I don't understand his train of thoughts why can't we try ivf using my eggs first? And if we don't succeed, i'm not opposed to using someone else's eggs, but i just have to try for myself first. We went to several ivf consultation but made no move because his fear of ivf babies might grown up with potential health risks. Basically just alot of 1 step forward, 10 steps back of going in circle with him being 1 foot in and another out...constantly.

Our last fight broke out over this donor egg issue again, he was pressing me for a specific timeline of how long we should try ivf before calling it quit and what happens after that? Will we go separate ways? I guess i wasn't exactly in the right mindset when communicating something like this, i was being triggered and didn't know how to properly respond and communicated but instead reacted by handing him the divorce paper.

We both obviously had a lot of feelings for each other, even after the d-paper was thrown on the table we still stayed for another few weeks trying to work things out, including couple's therapy. Since V-day and my birthday was around that time, we decided to put off talking about all this and just enjoy each other's company and try to re-spark the flame.

Valentine's day was fine, went out to eat, then comes my birthday few days later and he has asked me what i wanted for my bday. I wanted a diamond eternity band since Christmas and i told him again. He was shocked to find out how much it would cost (roughly $4000-$6000, it's not like i'm asking it from Tiffany or Cartier, I even suggested to go to wholesale jewelry mart to check things out), but after asking and making sure that's something i really wanted, he said of course he'll get it for me. Now before you all jump in and assume i'm a materialist person, we're talking about a person who makes over 300K a year and has a net worth over 6~7mil, and the reason i wanted the band was when we got married, we never had a ceremony, just did it at courthouse in a very non-chalant way, and randomly bought our bands few days before we sign the paper. Nothing extravagant, i guess in some way i just wanted something more sentimental to remind me of his love for me.

Anyways, Saturday comes when it's time to go ring shopping, he looked at me and said what if he says he's not comfortable doing this, buying something "this expensive". Next thing you know everything just exploded, i guess part of me always knew he would not go through with this knowing him, knowing how much he cares about his money, yet part of me was hoping for a miracle. I think at some point i even said to myself, if he does end up getting the ring, i feel like our marriage is still salvageable. And just like that, i left...for good.

It's been 2 weeks since we separated completely. I'm having a lot of mixed emotions and not sure if i did the right thing? Or am I just guilty about the way I left? Thoughts guys?

Thanks
theinfjinme is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 4:41 PM   #2
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 25,396
So his fertility result was positive at his age? Or did he not do one? Just wondering.

Look, I understand if someone feels they must have kids. Been through it myself but it was my choice I didn't want to do that. I didn't want fertility.

I guess you just have to accept that for some reason, at his rather advanced age, he's decided he's desperate to have children. It seems odd, honestly. If he went this long, you'd think he didn't really want a family all that bad, right, or he'd have done it 20 years ago.

I wouldn't WANT to stay with someone if I got a whiff that they were using me for a brood mare. If he doesn't really want you for you and doesn't want to adopt or whatever, then I'd move on. But if he's rich and wants to try a surrogate using both your cells, then I'd try that. I mean, save you from pushing one out at 39 years old.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 4:59 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 768
My only thought is I hope the guy had a pre-nup... :-(
You literally let the marriage hinge on whether he would get the jewelry you wanted, how is that not materialistic?
He has doubtless been trying to convince himself since you've been together that you love him and not his income...

Best of luck, onward and upward right?
Take care of yourself, and sorry if I come across flippant, I don't mean to and am sure this is painful for you.
Orokotikki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:12 PM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
So his fertility result was positive at his age? Or did he not do one? Just wondering.
He had one done too, not the worst, but borderline normal.

Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
I wouldn't WANT to stay with someone if I got a whiff that they were using me for a brood mare. If he doesn't really want you for you and doesn't want to adopt or whatever, then I'd move on. But if he's rich and wants to try a surrogate using both your cells, then I'd try that. I mean, save you from pushing one out at 39 years old.
He's basically putting the cart before the horse and made it clear it will be hard for him to commit to his marriage unless there's a certainty there will be children in the future.
theinfjinme is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:18 PM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 16
Unhappy

Quote:
Originally Posted by Orokotikki View Post
My only thought is I hope the guy had a pre-nup... :-(
No we didn't have a prenup and i left not wanting 1 penny from him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Orokotikki View Post
You literally let the marriage hinge on whether he would get the jewelry you wanted, how is that not materialistic?
He has doubtless been trying to convince himself since you've been together that you love him and not his income...
I know this is the confusing part, on the surface seems like i left because he wouldn't buy me the ring, but more importantly it had always been about him going back on his words.
We took a vow and got married, now he's saying marriage is too much pressure for him, he can't commit without having a child.
He urgently wanted to go consult ivf and just when i was being optimistic about what's next, he backed out saying there's too much risk and doesn't want to go forward with it.
You see where i'm going with this? The ring issue is just another one of his constant back and forth.

Now i'm 2nd guessing myself whether i should've handled it differenly or did i do the right thing?
theinfjinme is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:19 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 525
Quote:
Originally Posted by theinfjinme View Post
He's basically putting the cart before the horse and made it clear it will be hard for him to commit to his marriage unless there's a certainty there will be children in the future.
Well he already committed when he got married, he doesnít get to withdraw his commitment now based on your fertility.

I understand your feeling about the ring in context....itís not like you said no ring no marriage, but it feels like heís not keeping up his end of the deal when he said yes then basically said he wasnít sure it was worth it. Especially concerning against this backdrop of saying he might leave if you canít have a baby the way he wants and on his timeline.

Honestly I think having a baby with this guy sounds like a crappy idea. Kids are hard enough on a marriage and I donít really see anything in your post that makes me understand why you want to be in this relationship anyway.
chryssy83 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:22 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 525
Also get an attorney and get yourself some money. Donít screw yourself out of marital assets just to prove you arenít a gold digger. Who cares what anyone thinks? You were there when he earned some of that money, donít leave with nothing. Ask a lawyer what is fair for you to seek.
chryssy83 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:23 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 768
And yet he didn't leave did he? She did.
Well to each their own.
Orokotikki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:26 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 525
Quote:
Originally Posted by Orokotikki View Post
And yet he didn't leave did he? She did.
Well to each their own.

Yeah he just stayed and told her he might leave any time. Probably as soon as he felt like he had found someone younger with better odds of giving him the baby he wants that he felt like he could lock down.
chryssy83 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:33 PM   #10
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 16
Unhappy

Quote:
Originally Posted by chryssy83 View Post
Also get an attorney and get yourself some money. Donít screw yourself out of marital assets just to prove you arenít a gold digger. Who cares what anyone thinks? You were there when he earned some of that money, donít leave with nothing. Ask a lawyer what is fair for you to seek.
We basically didn't have any assets together, no joint account, he didn't even wanna do tax together because he thinks this marriage won't last. At this point I just want it to end as quickly and less painful as possible but thank you.
theinfjinme is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:34 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 14,185
Quote:
Originally Posted by theinfjinme View Post
I know this is the confusing part, on the surface seems like i left because he wouldn't buy me the ring, but more importantly it had always been about him going back on his words.
Sorry, I'm with Orokotikki here, not much moral high ground for either one of you. You guys are living proof two wrongs don't make anyone right.

theinfjinme, you also have a reckless tendency towards ultimatums and brinkmanship. Your H may discuss inappropriate actions but you're driven to do them.

Sorry for the tough love but no winners here. Given the mismatch in styles and results, maybe the pending divorce is the best thing.

With the known emphasis on fertility, is there a reason testing wasn't done before you tied the knot?

Mr. Lucky
__________________
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
Mr. Lucky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:35 PM   #12
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Orokotikki View Post
And yet he didn't leave did he? She did.
Well to each their own.
Although he never said the word divorce, his actions were pointed that way, he even said so himself. He's a very intelligent guy, and knows exactly how to put words in my mouth and trigger me.
theinfjinme is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:37 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 768
Quote:
Originally Posted by chryssy83 View Post
Yeah he just stayed and told her he might leave any time. Probably as soon as he felt like he had found someone younger with better odds of giving him the baby he wants that he felt like he could lock down.
I didn't see that anywhere in her post, just that she feared he might, and they had a fight and she went ahead and filed.
Orokotikki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:42 PM   #14
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
theinfjinme, you also have a reckless tendency towards ultimatums and brinkmanship. Your H may discuss inappropriate actions but you're driven to do them.
Not going to disagree with you completely, i have been doing some introspection which led me to this board.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Given the mismatch in styles and results, maybe the pending divorce is the best thing.
I would say, other than the fertility issue, we get along fine. No other major red flags.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
With the known emphasis on fertility, is there a reason testing wasn't done before you tied the knot?
It was done after we got engaged and he felt it was the noble and altruistic thing to do for not leaving me after finding out the result. Now he's regretting his decision and wants out which led to exacerbating minor conflicts that could've been avoided.

Mr. Lucky[/QUOTE]
theinfjinme is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2019, 5:45 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 525
Quote:
Originally Posted by Orokotikki View Post
I didn't see that anywhere in her post, just that she feared he might, and they had a fight and she went ahead and filed.
Maybe I misunderstood this part: ďPart of me always had fear he'll leave if we can't end up having kids, which he told me so.Ē

I thought she said he told her that he will leave if they canít have kids. But maybe Iím wrong.
chryssy83 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Did I do the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? jackmerridew Breaks and Breaking Up 43 7th July 2007 8:03 PM
Desperately seeking advise km82794 Family 2 15th May 2003 2:09 PM
Desperately seeking advice Mr.MoJoe Archive 2 28th May 2001 12:58 AM
Desperately Seeking Shirl CCCCrest-fallen Archive 2 18th January 2000 1:39 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:59 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.