MountainsxOceans Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 (edited) Dated 2 yrs. Married 2 yrs. No shared children. Jan 2019, I filed after 2 weeks of asking him to get help for his major depression/bpd AND put back almost $20k that he removed from joint account in October. October 2018, after an argument, he left for almost a month, living in a hotel, did not know where he was for an entire week, he split our joint bank account down the middle. He called me telling me he was "done", but when I set up meeting with divorce mediation, he would not go. He moved back in Nov 2018. He was still very triggered, isolated, moody... and would not put $ back into joint account. Jan 2019 moved out, lives in his own place (no idea where) I told him I wanted to work on the marriage, I dismissed the filing, but he is still very upset, w/ very limited contact. Only business matters discussed when we message. He has not mentioned or even talked about our marriage since filling other than "you left me, you filed for divorce...the one thing you do not do!" Separated 1.5 mos. Not sure if reconciliation is going to happen. Feeling like he's trying to be in control of this entire thing and give me a taste of what rejection feels like??? Edited March 11, 2019 by MountainsxOceans Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Your timelime is all over the place but if I understand correctly he moved out for a month and told you he was done. He started it. You simply ratified it by filing. Now he's using your guilt as some sort of a weapon. The only mistake I see that you've made is retracting the divorce filing for reasons that are unclear. I mean, what do you expect to happen going forward that would make staying married a good decision? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MountainsxOceans Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 I want a partner that gets help for mental health issues. But I'm starting to think, I went about it in a manipulative immature way by threatening divorce. I was so fed up and reacted poorly. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 (edited) Didn't he move out, split your bank account down the middle and say he was done? Your response was perfectly reasonable. Sure he feels rejected. But he drew first blood. If I understand the timeline correctly, you're being too hard on yourself. Unless all of his actions took place AFTER you filed for divorce. That changes things quite a bit, in which case I'd say yes, maybe you were a bit hasty. Edited March 11, 2019 by Normm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 I filed after 2 weeks of asking him to get help for his major depression/bpd. Mountains, by "BPD" are you referring to Borderline Personality Disorder? How old is he and when was he diagnosed? Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 I want a partner that gets help for mental health issues. But I'm starting to think, I went about it in a manipulative immature way by threatening divorce. I was so fed up and reacted poorly. Did you know about his mental illness when you married him? Dealing with a serious mental illness in the immediate family is exhausting and does require understanding and emotional support. At the very least, you should perhaps find some support for yourself, if you decide to stay and try to make your marriage work. There is a meme I saw recently that said something to the effect of "I'm not in therapy for me. I'm in therapy for the people around me." For me that is true. I am dealing with a depressed anorexic daughter and an abusive husband with NPD. I go to therapy to learn how to navigate those two relationships. You may need to do the same, if you do decide to be there for him. Also, knowing how stressful it can be, I do not blame you at all for giving him the ultimatum to seek help! Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Hate to sound like a broken record, but sounds like he had an affair, correct? Be very cautious about deciding to reconcile, I certainly wouldn't unless they were acting VERY remorseful and willing to be transparent! Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 @Orokotikki - the BPD could also explain his behavior. (Of course, you could always also be right about this.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MountainsxOceans Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 (edited) Hate to sound like a broken record, but sounds like he had an affair, correct? No affairs. But very impulsive when he's angry. Throws and breaks household stuff. Isolates in a bedroom for entire weekend. Extremely paranoid of abandonment. I can't take a trip w/o him thinking I'm"leaving" him. Edited March 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author MountainsxOceans Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 (edited) Did you know about his mental illness when you married him? I suspected something about a year in, and then he started seeing a therapist about 2 years ago. He is 37, DX about a year ago. Edited March 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author MountainsxOceans Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 (edited) In talking with you all... I'm noticing a pattern! He seems to "punish" me when I want space from his fluctuating moodiness. Even a simple bike ride w/o him will get me ignored for the rest of the weekend. Going out with friends will also get me a cold distant man when I get home. If I show any distance, he makes life pretty miserable around our house. When I filed, the pattern began again. Very exhausting like vla1120 has explained. Edited March 11, 2019 by MountainsxOceans Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 (edited) In talking with you all... I'm noticing a pattern!<snip> Ah, yes. He sounds like my husband. I found myself second-guessing every decision I made, wondering how it was going to adversely affect me because he would punish me for visiting my daughters, stopping at the store on my way home instead of waiting so he could go with me. I knew that wanting to take a nap after work so I could spend 30 minutes alone in my room to decompress would cost me about 5 hours of punishment. Exhausting. Oh - and the abandonment issue - I feel pressure in my chest just thinking about it. He had stage III cancer when I met him. If I spent any time with my daughters, he would say "You are going to leave me to die alone. If your daughters need you, you will drop me and run to them", which was not true. But to prove this, when he was admitted to the hospital for 7 nights a couple of years ago, I stayed right there by his side. I did not go home. I did not shower or change clothes. The nurses had hospital meals delivered to me so that I would eat. What happened when I finally built the courage to leave him (after he became scarily threatening and abusive)? "I knew I couldn't count on you. The only thing I can count on is my cancer. It is always there with me and will never leave me." Ugh. Sorry. I didn't mean to go on a tangent, but he will keep torturing you. Don't do what I did and think "I'm strong enough to handle this on my own." You will become a shell of your former self. Keep taking care of you. Edited March 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote; paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 File again and this time see it through. You don’t deserve this. Don’t let him make you feel guilty because you filed (the one thing you don’t do?) because even the most traditional views of marriage vows usually allow for divorce in the case of abuse, adultery, abandonment. You have at least two maybe three of those, because I wouldn’t be surprised to learn he cheated. Free yourself from this. Get people who are supportive...friends, family, a therapist, a pastor, a domestic abuse advocate, Etc. and get out of this. You don’t deserve it and there is nothing here to save. It’s not your fault, either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 I'm noticing a pattern! He seems to "punish" me when I want space from his fluctuating moodiness.Mountains, if your H is a pwBPD (i.e., has Borderline Personality Disorder), his fear of abandonment is only half the story. He also has a great fear of engulfment, i.e., a suffocating feeling of being "controlled" by you or losing himself in your strong personality. Whereas the abandonment fear is triggered by your being distant, the engulfment fear is triggered by your drawing close and being intimate. Although a pwBPD typically craves intimacy like nearly every other adult, he cannot tolerate it for very long before his engulfment fear is triggered. The result of his having these two fears is that whatever you do will be wrong most of the time. You will be wrong if you DO and wrong if you DON'T. This conundrum is due to the position of his two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum. Your predicament is that the solution to calming his abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers his engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming his engulfment fear (moving back away to give him breathing space) is the very action that triggers his abandonment fear. Hence, as you move close to comfort him and assure him of your love, you eventually will start triggering his engulfment fear, making him feel like he's being suffocated and controlled by you. (This is why the very WORST fights typically start immediately after, if not during, the very BEST of times.) Yet, as you back away to give him breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering his abandonment fear. In my 15 years with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution -- between "too close" and "too far away"-- where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate his own emotions and tame his two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back. Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto YOU. His subconscious does this to protect his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality -- and to externalize the pain, getting it outside his body. Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, he will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from YOU. Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD having strong symptoms, you will often find yourself hurting him -- i.e., triggering his engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering his abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering his anger even when you are sitting still in a room saying absolutely nothing. If you're interested, I describe typical BPD behaviors in my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them ring a bell and raise questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MountainsxOceans Posted March 12, 2019 Author Share Posted March 12, 2019 Downtown, Oh. My. Word. This is our relationship exactly. Going to look at your 18 bpd warning signs. Link to post Share on other sites
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