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What can hold up a divorce for YEARS?!


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Just curiuos......when going thru a divorce.......if the two of them cannot agree on money issues and assets, is that the ONLY thing that hold up the process? How do you ever resolve the issues? Is a mediator ALWAYS brought in? My ex has been sep for over 2 yrs and claims that she is "taking him to the cleaners". He is quite loaded in the $ dept. Is there a time limit on how long a sep can last????I know 100% that she does not want him back and has protective orders against him, so it is not that they are getting back, I just think that as soon as the papers are signed he will have to pay mor than he does now w/ the sep agreement.And he is in love with his $.

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A Fly onThe Wall

First off.. You need to drop the ex stuff ..

 

Money and how much they want to spend on attorneys can hold it up..

 

My divorce took 7 months in a 31 day divorce state over money.. I had loaned her company over 120,000

during the marriage and when I filed for divorce she refused to own up to the loans..

I had to basicaly file and bury her as* in attorney fees before she would come to the bargaining table.

 

A judge will step in and start to whittle down on the issses that are stopping it from going forward.. Normally if there aren't any kids the issues can be be in front of a judge in a few months.

 

But.. and this is key there needs to be at least one person that wants to push it forward otherwise it will stall in the courts and eventually be dismissed

 

You need to stop worrying about this ldr beth

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well let me put it this way BETH5201. When my ex wife and i were divorcing we spend 2 months fighting over a dumb kosta boda vase that was worth probably $300. I knew it was her favorite so I went outta my way to stretch out fighting on this one item just to piss her off (and I filed for divorce!).

 

We probably spend 10x the amt the vase was worth just on lawyers fees on that one issue alone.

 

So, my answer is yes....the divorce can go on and on and on if both parties are unreasonable.

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Wow-

 

when you argue about that stuff....it is not about the "stuff" I take it? Is it out of spite or are you hurt? or just confused?

 

The judge even told his wife "Mrs.______, Mr. _____has to live! She is asking for so much. The judge told them not to come back until it was all agreed upon. They were fighting over the GRILL!!! Kinda like your vase issue

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Originally posted by beth5201

when you argue about that stuff....it is not about the "stuff" I take it? Is it out of spite or are you hurt? or just confused?

see BETH52...emotions are greatly heightened during this stage and people are pissed off and trying to get jabs in and it is nasty, esp if there are kids involved. You're talking about money and things and who gets what and it is a total f***ing mess. And most of the communicating goes thru the lawyers which makes it even worse. Not fun stuff by any means.

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A Fly onThe Wall
Originally posted by alphamale

When my ex wife and i were divorcing we spend 2 months fighting over a dumb kosta boda vase that was worth probably $300.

 

My brother did the same thing over a big screen tv.. it was worth maybe a grand and they each spent about 3 fighting over it.. and his ex wife never even watched the tv.. it was downstairs in his work shop.

 

Alpha is right Beth.. the emotions are red hot during this stage and BOTH sides are taking jabs

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I have never been married and do not have kids, so I cannot relate, but I listened to his stories and was not sure if they were true, but tried to understand. They do have a young child involved in this. From what he said(and I believed it since I had no clue) I guess her lawyer sends his lawyer something and he has to reveiw it and he said he would cross stuff out he would not agree with and send it back to her lawyer and she does the same. So it goes back and forth and he says that even if he calls the lawyer it costs $. THis back and forth crap has been going on so long. I would thikn one of them would give up? They get along fine now(for the child's sake) but still cannot agree on anything. She uses the child against him a lot. Which is sad. They were sep before this child was even born, so the whole situation is crazy.

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It does not matter much now since we are not together, but I always wondered about it. When we met he said he would give up everything to just get it over with and that was yrs a go. So maybe it is party his pride involved here? I took it personal that he would not just give her what she wanted in order to be with me.....but this is a very selfish man, so I should not have been shocked by the fact that this is still going on.

 

Thanks for all of your help! Just trying to sort things out in my head here.

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A Fly onThe Wall

If years have gone by then someone isn't pushing forward with it..

 

Judges and the courts don't let divorces go on for years after they are filed because of the high emotions

and the possibility for something bad to happen because of them.

The court system works slow but not that slow..years..

 

There is more to this story that you can't see...

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what choice does the wife have if the husband drags his feet? is there something she can do to speed it up? Oh I am sure there is a lot I do not know!

 

His boss's divorce took 4 yrs! and 40k!

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A Fly onThe Wall
Originally posted by beth5201

what choice does the wife have if the husband drags his feet? is there something she can do to speed it up? Oh I am sure there is a lot I do not know!

 

His boss's divorce took 4 yrs! and 40k!

 

Mine took 7 months and 36k .. but I wanted out .. and pushed hard for it

 

The wife's attorney would have to file motions in front of the court to get the court to either decide on the issues or appoint a mediater..

 

She would have to start spending more money in attorney fees if she wanted the divorce.. if she didn't have the money the husbands tactic of dragging his feet will drag out the divorce.

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36K??? OMG! Wow.

 

HE is dragging his feet and she does not have money to push for it I guess. And I doubt he is paying for HER lawyer. Wow. this gets sticker than I thought?

 

Although her parents have money? I wuld think they would help if she really wanted it done. But for her too, she gets more now than she would with the div settlement. He was kicked out of the house(she lived with her family) 2 yrs ago and she got to move in-so right now she does not even pay the mortgage. So maybe she does not pushsince she gets more now? Who knows?

 

I think I will stick to dating truly single men!

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A Fly onThe Wall

Not to be a downer to you.. But they both might be dragging their feet because they have a little guy in their head saying.. if she/he would just to this or that....etc.. then we wouldn't have to get divorced.

 

Not all divorces end in divorce.. until the judge says it's so.. they are still married and there is still some hope for reconciliation..

 

In order for my divorce to be final I had to go in front of a judge and swear that there was no chance for reconciliation and that all hope was lost..as well as swear that I had done everything possible to stay married.

 

I think it's a formality but it does show that it's not over until the judge says so.

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I agree. But I would think that after 3 yrs of saying"if only she would do this and he would do that" they would be back together and would have at least tried to give it a try again when the kid was born. The fact that she has a protective order on him scares me a little. I was told that was common though even if the husband has not done anything. Was that a lie? I did ponder the fact that they do not want to divorce, but it makes no sense 3 yrs later and the fact that he has a house an hr away now? I know it is a tough period in ones life. I have read that divorce is the hardest thinig you will ever go through. I know it tears him up to divorce with his child involved. he has admitted this is so hard for him to drop the kid off and see him crying for him to stay.it tears him up.

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A Fly onThe Wall

I did the if only thing the whole 7 months and for maybe a year after...

 

Almost all divorces have a protective order.. Unless you have read the order you can't know what it says.

 

It might say that neither parties involved can sell any assets and who gets to stay in the marriage home.

 

Protective doesn't necesarily mean physically protecting

 

It also could be related to domestic violence or it might be a tactic she is using to frighten him and keep him at bay.

 

I had a protective order on my ex freezing her assets as well as limiting any huge expenses that she could spend money on in her business.

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i have read it and it says that he cannot go to the home or pick up the child there...he says that he yelled at her once and she got it for that. But that is one side of the story. He also had to go with the police to get thiings out of the home that he needed before he left and she moved in since he cannot go back there.

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A Fly onThe Wall
Originally posted by beth5201

i have read it and it says that he cannot go to the home or pick up the child there...he says that he yelled at her once and she got it for that. But that is one side of the story. He also had to go with the police to get thiings out of the home that he needed before he left and she moved in since he cannot go back there.

 

 

Tensions are High.. it sounds like he fu*ked up and got pissed off when he didn't have a great set of cards on the table.

 

But then there are always 3 sides to every story..

 

the police are standard baby sitters for people that can't keep their anger/ emotions in check.

Most likely by attorneys advice I would think. Having the police there also protects him as well.

 

there is more to this story than you know ...If he cannot go back to the marriage residence it sounds like domestic violence protections are being put in place.. I know that guys are victims to but there is more to this..

 

count your blessings that your not part of his drama anymore.. it can go on and get worse.. you could've gotten dragged into it.

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thanks for your time today....I truly appreciate it. I am starting to realize that I may not have wanted all this drama and baggage anyway and your writing to me today verified that. Most people do not change much and he would not have either.

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Hey Beth,

 

I hope things are going well with you. I'm glad to see you are starting to realize he might not be all that. I always judge a guy by the way they treat their gf/wife. If they'll cheat on their gf, they'll cheat on you. If they'll act like an ass in a divorce with their stbxw, they'll act like an ass with you. If he's been playing this divorce game for 3 years, either he has a lot of money to burn and is vindictive, or he's truely not over his wife. 3 years of battling with lawyers and such is SOO not worth the money. And in fact, he's probably lost money by now in legal fees. You dont want a man like that.

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ya NC seems to tap into different thoughts in my head! Iam starting to see him for who he is and it is not all that great and the crappy way he treats me is all the reason why she left him.

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Theoretically, she didn't drag her feet because of money, but in truth, she kept "losing the papers" and asking for more, until he hired a lawyer to force her into finalization. Then things got ugly for a brief time, but -- hindsight being 20/20 -- he realizes now that he should have hired an attorney from the beginning. He could have gotten out of a bad situation without losing upwards of two years and many thousands of dollars.

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