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What is she trying to tell me?

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Old 3rd March 2019, 8:36 AM   #1
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What is she trying to tell me?

Quick back story, my wife of 16 years had an affair. I threw her out, she moved in with the guy and eventually he beat the crap out of her almost killing her. Since then, we have spent time together with the kids including a recent trip to Sequoia (4 hour drive from us) We have also spent the day here and there but always with the kids. Iím not sure why we do it but we do. I donít know if she wants to try and work it out or what.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 8:45 AM   #2
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It may simply be that she wants the children to have family time with both of their parents. I've heard of other divorced parents taking trips together with their children for that purpose.

If you are interested in possible reconciliation be careful and don't get your hopes up unless she gives you a pretty clear signal she wants to reconnect with you as more than a co-parent.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 8:49 AM   #3
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If she was trying or wanting to work it out you'd know it.

The only reason she isn't with her AP is because he's violent.

Where would she be if he wasn't?

Don't grasp at straws.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 8:56 AM   #4
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In my life... one of the only things that I've said I could not forgive is cheating. The way I feel about it is... if that person has a wondering eye... they will always be that way. (Sorry) I guess there are a few circumstances that can't become a "Maybe". As if, you were already separated for a while, and now looking to get back. But if you were in an active, and generally happy relationship... it's a deal breaker. In this situation... even if she wanted to come back, it's simply because the affair went BAD, and you are the recovery.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 9:03 AM   #5
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How long was WW's affair before you found out?

How long did your WW stay with the OM after D day?

How long ago was your WW beat up?

Did her injuries require medical or hospital care?

Did she press charges against the OM?

How long after her beating did it take WW to stop seeing her OM?

Where did WW go to live after she left the OM?

Where is WW living now and with who?

Is the WW seeing anyone else now or since she went NC with the OM?

How long were you married and how old are your kids?

Has WW done IC after here affair?

Many a WW and BH have dated after the affair and the divorce. The thing
is to move slow and make sure that the WW does the work to be a safe

She has to go to IC. Live transparent so you can verify NC with the OM.
Block the OM from being able to contact her. STD tests. Answer your
questions about the affair.

This is something worth exploring but we do not no much about you story.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 10:26 AM   #6
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I donít know what she is trying to tell you - is she enjoying time together with your children or does she want to reunite your family? Only she can tell you...

I would however be very cautious... This woman abandoned you and her children for another man who was abusive and nothing but trouble... that says a lot about her character, values, and her judgment. I know, you would really like to reunite your family but Iím not sure I could ever forgive or trust this woman again...
If they love you, you will know. If they don't, you will wonder all the time if they do...
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:05 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by Shaung View Post
I donít know if she wants to try and work it out or what.
Especially if you want to try to re-establish a new, mutually respectful, supportive and rewarding relationship with her, why don't you just ask her?

Some people simply cannot get past their spouse's infidelity, but other people can. Decide what camp you fall into, and then go exclusively by that. That is,
do not let other people's negative experiences, or anger, bitterness and resentment, stop you from following your own heart, mind and path -- BUT -
- also don't let other people's positive experiences, or love, compassion and understanding, make you feel that you 'should' reconcile when it's really not in your own heart to do so.

If you want to try to work it out with her, consult trustworthy resources and properly qualified professionals. Willard Harley is well-regarded in the field, with books, online resources, etc.

Wishing you and your family the very best for love and happiness.
"Good or benign intentions do not provide a defence." ~ Tony Wong, Reporter
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Old 9th March 2019, 1:34 PM   #8
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I can't be sure how I would react to my spouse's infidelity (I'm pretty much 100% sure my wife has never cheated and neither have I). I'd like to think I could forgive it but (again, thinking purely theoretically) unfortunately with infidelity often comes other negative marital behavior that makes reconciliation more difficult.
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Old 10th March 2019, 3:38 AM   #9
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Just tread carefully. She's already betrayed you once. I don't see any problem with asking her straight up what her goal is with the family time. I fully support co-parenting and showing your children that the two of you care enough to give them a healthy family experience. Just be honest with them, as well, so they don't wonder when mom is coming back home.

Also, regardless of what HER goal is, what is your goal? You have the power and you can do what is best for you, considering what you've already been through.
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