Katie357 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Being swamped by all the good memories of our relationship today so just looking for any advice that things do get better.. Basically its 15 weeks into my break up today. In total we were only married 15 weeks, 5 days so soon it will be longer that we have been broken up compared to being married. Our relationship was 15 years in total with two children - 11 and 9. I have moments where I am accepting that the break up has happened and try to get on with life as best as I can and moments where I find it a struggle.. The break up came from him and I was blindsided really. His reason were he was fed up with the bickering and arguing that came not long after getting married. I put it down to the come down of the wedding we had, plus my job was pretty stressful at the time so I know my patience was wearing thin but in all honesty, we have had worse arguing periods in the 15 years together but apparently he was left feeling like he was no longer in love me. He told me he understood now what it meant to love someone but not be in love with them.. Anyway, I have felt quite overwhelmed today with thinking about life when we were together and wishing I wasn't in this position. The thought of starting all over again scares me and I wonder if I will ever get to the point of embracing the change. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Wow. My heart breaks for you & the kids. Have you tried marriage counseling? Everybody thinks wedded bliss is a thing. OMG my first year of marriage was one of the hardest in my life. It was so jarring to think "I married". It freaked me out. We had to learn to work together as a team. Now 10 years later it's seamless but in the beginning it was stressful. You managed to have 2 kids. You have to have some problem solving skills. Tap into them. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katie357 Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 (edited) Wow. My heart breaks for you & the kids. Have you tried marriage counseling? Everybody thinks wedded bliss is a thing. OMG my first year of marriage was one of the hardest in my life. It was so jarring to think "I married". It freaked me out. We had to learn to work together as a team. Now 10 years later it's seamless but in the beginning it was stressful. You managed to have 2 kids. You have to have some problem solving skills. Tap into them. Best wishes. Hi, Yes , I suggested it and at first he agreed but then later admitted he didn't want to try counselling and only said he did so I wouldn't think he wasnt trying. He said he doesn't want to be told how to live his life by a counsellor. This is the thing, yes we had a few weeks if arguing and bickering but no more than what we have been through and got through in 15 years. I accept relationships are always going to be up and down but if you want something, you work at it. He clearly chose to give up because he mustn't have wanted it anymore. When we were good, we were great, did everything as a team and we both always said that about us so this has completely blindsided me. Edited February 21, 2019 by Katie357 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 He told me he understood now what it meant to love someone but not be in love with them.. There's a mistress. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katie357 Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 There's a mistress. I thought this myself and asked him outright but he swears there is nobody else involved? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 A counselor doesn't tell you how to live your life. I counselor helps you find a path that works for you. DH & I went to a marriage counseling weekend that 1st year & learned a lot about the other's communication style. That knowledge helped us find our path. After 15 years & 2 kids together it seems almost crazy that he threw in the towel after less than 4 months of marriage. Have you spoken to his family? Do they have any more insight? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Something more is going on here... It is crazy to think that you could be together for 15 years, have two children together, and three months after you marry - he wants out and he’s not willing to even consider going to counselling to try and make it work. That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I wish you luck as you start a new life with your children. I hope you have good support and you are able to find your strength. This really sucks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katie357 Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 A counselor doesn't tell you how to live your life. I counselor helps you find a path that works for you. DH & I went to a marriage counseling weekend that 1st year & learned a lot about the other's communication style. That knowledge helped us find our path. After 15 years & 2 kids together it seems almost crazy that he threw in the towel after less than 4 months of marriage. Have you spoken to his family? Do they have any more insight? Hi, No, I completely agree that a counsellor wouldn't be that way and I was open to trying marriage counselling but he was adamant he didn't want it. I think his decision was made and he was confident that ending the relationship was the answer for him. I have spoken to his family, they have told me he doesn't really open up to them which I know isn't healthy in the long run as keeping it in will eventually find it's way to the surface. It's just a real crappy situation to be in, especially when we have spent such a large amount of our lives together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katie357 Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 Something more is going on here... It is crazy to think that you could be together for 15 years, have two children together, and three months after you marry - he wants out and he’s not willing to even consider going to counselling to try and make it work. That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I wish you luck as you start a new life with your children. I hope you have good support and you are able to find your strength. This really sucks. Thank you. I'm under the same opinion that it doesn't make sense and feel there is more to it. I suppose I have to accept that time will tell if there is more to come out. I have had lots of support thanks from my family and friends. It helps for me to talk about things and everybody has been a great listener to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 I also suspect there's more to this than you know. I would interpret not wanting "a counselor telling me how to live my life" to mean he's not going to let anyone tie him down - not a wife, children, or even a mistress. If it's more than a notion of marriage as the rope that ties him, then I wouldn't rule out the angry reaction of a mistress who just found out he got hitched after pretending he was moving forward with her. You may not be the only one that got jilted and he may be running away before it all closes in on him. You sound like the more stable person here, and if you put that energy into someone worthy of you the future will be much better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katie357 Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 I also suspect there's more to this than you know. I would interpret not wanting "a counselor telling me how to live my life" to mean he's not going to let anyone tie him down - not a wife, children, or even a mistress. If it's more than a notion of marriage as the rope that ties him, then I wouldn't rule out the angry reaction of a mistress who just found out he got hitched after pretending he was moving forward with her. You may not be the only one that got jilted and he may be running away before it all closes in on him. You sound like the more stable person here, and if you put that energy into someone worthy of you the future will be much better. Thanks.. It's just crazy to try and get your head around thinking that you know a person you have spent 15 years with, thought they were your soul mate, love them etc to them suddenly becoming a stranger to you. I guess I now just have to focus all my energy on our girls and building a new life for us. Keeping it minimal contact which I find ok, I just know it will take time to adapt to this sudden change in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 I thought this myself and asked him outright but he swears there is nobody else involved? Thats exactly what they always say. Be quiet don't accuse further and investigate. Work and detaching and improving yourself. When you find evidence expose the affair to everyone. The affair will then 90% likely die, then you can take a few months to decide D or R. Sorry you're here with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katie357 Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 Thats exactly what they always say. Be quiet don't accuse further and investigate. Work and detaching and improving yourself. When you find evidence expose the affair to everyone. The affair will then 90% likely die, then you can take a few months to decide D or R. Sorry you're here with this. 100% if it was an affair the outcome would be D! Not a chance would I go back to someone who cheated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 100% if it was an affair the outcome would be D! Not a chance would I go back to someone who cheated. Katie357, while I hope I'm never put in either position, I'd be more likely to forgive cheating than abandonment. Your husband seems to have turned his back on an awful lot, usually doesn't happen without outside help. Is he paying support? Are you sharing custody? What have you told your kids? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katie357 Posted February 23, 2019 Author Share Posted February 23, 2019 Katie357, while I hope I'm never put in either position, I'd be more likely to forgive cheating than abandonment. Your husband seems to have turned his back on an awful lot, usually doesn't happen without outside help. Is he paying support? Are you sharing custody? What have you told your kids? Mr. Lucky He is at the moment but when he gets his own place in a few months time, he won't be as it will be officially 50/50 then. At the moment we have set days when each have the kids but they don't stay over on every night he has them due to rooming(he is staying in the spare bedroom at his mum and dads). We told the kids what happened and how he felt so they know the reason why. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 We told the kids what happened and how he felt so they know the reason why. As you've found out, one person can't save a marriage between two people. It seems best to begin focusing on a separate future for you and your kids... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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