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Why wonít he cooperate with divorce he wanted?


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Old 15th February 2019, 5:03 PM   #61
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Originally Posted by Redhead14 View Post
Ok, then he's doing illegal things??? Bring in investigators. Subpoena third parties. "Hey listen, Xname, you're hiding stuff. This can go easy or it can go hard. If you cooperate and fill us in on everything, we might overlook some stuff. If you force us to bring in investigators and subpoena third-parties, you're gonna have to deal with a higher power regarding whatever is found".

I donít know that he did anything illegal. I know that there are some transactions where I think he gave the AP money and he had an annual bonus deposited in an account I canít access.
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Old 15th February 2019, 8:57 PM   #62
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Man the indifference is painful! Itís really hard knowing that I was married to someone who literally could not care less about me now.
Yes, it is painful and I'm very familiar with that feeling. However, the line between indifference and contempt is rather thin, and contempt is very dangerous and quite insidious.

As others have suggested you need to move the divorce along with or without his cooperation. "Pro Se" in this context means he's not willing to be accountable to anyone - and that's not going to turn out well with respect to hidden assets and money he has spent on Schmoopie.

Your stbxH sounds like my stbxW and my divorce is still languishing 2 years and over a half-million dissipated dollars later. "No action" should be translated to mean "covert action." You couldn't trust him to be faithful and you shouldn't trust him to be honorable either.
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Old 15th February 2019, 10:03 PM   #63
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Yes, it is painful and I'm very familiar with that feeling. However, the line between indifference and contempt is rather thin, and contempt is very dangerous and quite insidious.

As others have suggested you need to move the divorce along with or without his cooperation. "Pro Se" in this context means he's not willing to be accountable to anyone - and that's not going to turn out well with respect to hidden assets and money he has spent on Schmoopie.

Your stbxH sounds like my stbxW and my divorce is still languishing 2 years and over a half-million dissipated dollars later. "No action" should be translated to mean "covert action." You couldn't trust him to be faithful and you shouldn't trust him to be honorable either.

This is terrifying to me. I read one is your other posts where you talked about how she liked the idea of you instead of you....thatís something my husband said to me during one of our conversations about the split. And my therapist said she believed most of what he said during that conversation was projection which is why I felt like he was talking to me about a marriage other than the one I was in....makes me wonder if heís the one who just liked the idea of me. Or at least has rewritten history to be that so that it justifies chalking our marriage/family up as a mistake. Sorry you have dealt with your situation, sounds like hell.
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Old 17th February 2019, 8:13 PM   #64
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This is terrifying to me.
I think the fact that you're already separated, living in separate residences, and sharing the kids, indicates you've got a lot more safety. If it's true that he only loved the idea of you, then it appears he's able to at least let go of that idea.

Truly abusive people don't do that. They will cling to you like tar until they're content to have destroyed you. They cannot accept anything less than the dominance of their own phony narrative. They do a lot of projecting to cover you with that tar.

Obviously he's passive-aggressive, but if he's still even mildly sympathetic to his "idea" of you - then you should press forward before the sun sets and he awakens with a new idea that exploits an adversarial legal system.

Last edited by Turning point; 17th February 2019 at 8:16 PM..
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Old 17th February 2019, 9:53 PM   #65
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I think the fact that you're already separated, living in separate residences, and sharing the kids, indicates you've got a lot more safety. If it's true that he only loved the idea of you, then it appears he's able to at least let go of that idea.

Truly abusive people don't do that. They will cling to you like tar until they're content to have destroyed you. They cannot accept anything less than the dominance of their own phony narrative. They do a lot of projecting to cover you with that tar.

Obviously he's passive-aggressive, but if he's still even mildly sympathetic to his "idea" of you - then you should press forward before the sun sets and he awakens with a new idea that exploits an adversarial legal system.
I donít think he wants anything to do with me at all. Thatís why I donít understand why he isnít more motivated to finish the divorce because I think heís eager to move completely past anything to do with me or our life.
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Old 17th February 2019, 11:51 PM   #66
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I don’t think he wants anything to do with me at all. That’s why I don’t understand why he isn’t more motivated to finish the divorce because I think he’s eager to move completely past anything to do with me or our life.
Well, he may have nothing to do with you now that he's separated but, he's clearly not ready to move past your share of all of the assets he still controls and that is where you are vulnerable.

I believe you that he's not doing anything right now - except figuring out how to keep those assets.

I learned the hard way that despite what the courts imply about contempt of the ATRO - they really don't do jack sh** about it. They make hiding and dissipating assets sound like a big deal but, most of the time you just get screwed over. The burden of proof will be on you to to prove that he didn't need those 4 brand new cars in the last 3 years, or the $100k of retirement money he liquidated for "household expenses."

He told you he wants NOTHING to do with you - think about that !!!! When it comes to those assets what have you gotten? NOTHING! Don't wait to be contacted by Mr. Pro Se's new lawyer who's job it is to give you NOTHING more.

Last edited by Turning point; 18th February 2019 at 12:06 AM..
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Old 18th February 2019, 12:07 AM   #67
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Well I guess I take back that he wants nothing to do with me, I think he actually wants to be friends but he’s so conflict avoidant that he just leaves me alone because I am not friendly. He told me when we separated that our relationship didn’t need to change at all because we were already just roommates.

The money thing does scare me. That’s why I was so frustrated when he wouldn’t respond to my divorce petition, I want to lock things down.
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Old 18th February 2019, 12:15 AM   #68
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I donít think he wants anything to do with me at all. Thatís why I donít understand why he isnít more motivated to finish the divorce because I think heís eager to move completely past anything to do with me or our life.
Chryssy

My first wife played this game as well, although (Thank God !) we didn't have children as part of the problem.

She refused to try to work things out. She refused to help pay any of our outstanding bills. She refused to share any of our possession with me. She refused to sign the divorce papers. She refused to participate in any way with the attorneys or the court. She refused......( you get the picture).

Reasons why? Who knows? I finally realized she was living in a different world from where I lived.
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Old 18th February 2019, 12:59 AM   #69
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He told you he wants NOTHING to do with you - think about that !!!! When it comes to those assets what have you gotten? NOTHING! Don't wait to be contacted by Mr. Pro Se's new lawyer who's job it is to give you NOTHING more.
He didnít ever say that. He said he wanted to be friends and spend Sundays together as a family and that he would give me most of the money because he can make plenty more. And he keeps telling everyone else (his family and friends) that heís basically just going to lay down and let me have what I want because heís such a good guy and only cares about the well-being of the kids. Iím not saying he will actually do that, but he didnít say he wants nothing to do with me. Iím the one who refuses to speak to him except about business of child raising and divorce. And what should I do as opposed to waiting? I canít settle the divorce by myself and I need his discovery responses to draft a settlement agreement anyway.
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Old 18th February 2019, 1:56 AM   #70
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Well I guess I take back that he wants nothing to do with me, I think he actually wants to be friends but heís so conflict avoidant that he just leaves me alone because I am not friendly. He told me when we separated that our relationship didnít need to change at all because we were already just roommates.

The money thing does scare me. Thatís why I was so frustrated when he wouldnít respond to my divorce petition, I want to lock things down.
If the time line has run (that waiting period between filing and finalizing any divorce) simply petition the court to finalize it.

Then itís over.

Ask for everything you want or need - he may not even notice itís being finalized and go along with whatever you have requested.
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Old 18th February 2019, 8:38 AM   #71
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I know procedurally how that would work. I also know that (as stated above) he could have had it set aside. He has filed an answer now so thatís not an option any longer but I have a good attorney and he did not think a default judgement was a good idea. Again, my question isnít how to get divorced, itís why is he acting this way?
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Old 18th February 2019, 8:53 AM   #72
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How would anyone here know why he's acting this way? The point is he is acting that way and all people know here is you don't need him to get your divorce if you want one.
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Old 18th February 2019, 9:30 AM   #73
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How would anyone here know why he's acting this way? The point is he is acting that way and all people know here is you don't need him to get your divorce if you want one.

I didnít want one. He did. So now I have to do all the work to make it happen because he wonít participate. I just donít understand and I guess I wanted some support or some idea how I get out of this mode of thinking all the time that I donít understand what has happened.

I believe he had an affair, he has physically and emotionally neglected me, he didnít make an effort in our marriage to do anything I needed or to share his emotional needs with me. He lied about money, he lied about how he spent his time, he told me over and over that my needs (like that he talk to me at the end of the day, that he reassure me when I was upset about something, that he help me figure out what to do about a problem at work or with the kids, that he physically interact with me) were all unreasonable expectations of him. He denies all of that even happened.

The only reason I ďwantĒ a divorce now is because I canít do anything to move forward in life until itís done. I canít date, I canít get a house. I donít know why he isnít more concerned about sorting out the logistics of the divorce since he was the one who needed it because it was the only way he could be happy. He has always identified things I need to do to make him happy and here we are not in a relationship, not hardly even in contact and Iím still having to do all the work to make things the way he wants them. Meanwhile, he says over and over that he is working to provide the financial information I need to draft the settlement agreement and instead does nothing for months. At this rate it will be the end of the year or later before the court system moves to the point that we can just get this done and I have no idea why he is okay with it just dragging on like this when I expected ending the marriage would be a priority for him.
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Old 18th February 2019, 10:22 AM   #74
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Originally Posted by chryssy83 View Post
my question isn’t how to get divorced, it’s why is he acting this way?
This has been answered many, many times in this thread already. Which one of the answers is accurate? Is it a combination of all of them? We have no way of knowing.
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Old 18th February 2019, 1:00 PM   #75
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This has been answered many, many times in this thread already. Which one of the answers is accurate? Is it a combination of all of them? We have no way of knowing.
I know people answered it but I assume those who give me advice on how to procure a divorce in court when I’ve already said 1) I am an attorney in the jurisdiction where I live 2) I have an attorney who already explored the options and helped me choose a course of action that is least likely to result in a costly do-over and 3) that wasn’t my question.... didn’t actually read the rest of the thread. I know I can just guess what the assets are worth if I want.
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