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Why won’t he cooperate with divorce he wanted?


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I filed for divorce after my husband got caught at a coworker’s house during the day (says they are just friends who spend time together several days a week at her place when they are supposed to be at work) and then told me eventually that he didn’t want to try anymore to save relationship and wanted a divorce.

 

So I get an attorney, I file. He does nothing. He doesn’t provide documents I ask for, he doesn’t respond to pleadings, he doesn’t hire an attorney. We sold our home and got separate residences, we share the kids. I don’t speak to him except the bare minimum to arrange for things for the kids. So if he wants a divorce so bad why won’t he make any moves toward getting a divorce? Is there something I’m missing? He never expressed any desire to reconsider the divorce and acts like he’s the happiest person who ever walked the face of the earth, so I do t think he’s holding out for hope of getting back together.

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It sounds like he's lazy. Do you need him to complete the divorce? Can't you get one without his documents? What does your attorney say?

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He doesn't cooperate because he doesn't have to....he is letting you do all the heavy lifting. Well the lifting is almost done, so don't give up now...just get the divorce by default. A divorce is a civil matter, and and if one party ignores it, it doesn't mean it stops. Please, do yourself a favor and don't let this guy camp out in your head any longer and divorce him....his cooperation is not needed.

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It sounds like he's lazy. Do you need him to complete the divorce? Can't you get one without his documents? What does your attorney say?

 

My attorney says if we do a default he will just get it set aside. And I need his financial documents because he has tried to hide income and I believe he gave money to his affair partner. If I got a good enough property distribution that might not matter much, I don’t think it was more than maybe 20k we are talking about. I will ask the attorney again.

 

I have wondered about laziness too...but he’s the one who is seeing someone else and trying to hide it. I would think being divorced would get them that much closer to being able to openly date. Although I’ve wondered a little if it’s not the divorce he’s avoiding, but actually the more committed relationship with his affair partner because I’m not sure he actually wants to be with her long term. And it’s messy for him because they work together and he’s in management.

 

I just don’t know why he isn’t more motivated.

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You need to stop wondering about this. He is not cooperating for his own reasons, and it's likely you'll never find out why. So you just need to stop wondering because the reasons really make no difference to you or your life.

 

What you need to think about instead, is what you can do about it. As mentioned you can get a divorce even without his cooperation, permission or even his signature. You need to ask your attorney what the next step is, assuming he does not return any paperwork. Usually that involves having papers served, getting proof that he has received them, waiting a time period for a reply and if there's no reply filing for deemed service. But it varies by jurisdiction, so you should ask your lawyer.

 

As for financial disclosure, you need to ask your attorney about that too. If a court orders him to submit paperwork, it is very foolish for him to ignore that. Giving money away, judges see that all the time, they are not fooled by it.

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Can't your attorney use a court order to get his financial documents? He should be able to do this. I agree that you shouldn't worry about his reasons for dragging his feet. It could be anything from a lack of money to lack of time.

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It’s not a money issue because we have money. I’m an attorney so I know I can get a default, the problem is that he will just get it set aside and we will be married again. That’s a waste of my time and our money to pay the attorney to do the divorce twice.

 

I know we can subpoena the financial records, right now I need him to file an answer to the petition so we can start discovery if he insists on going that route. I just don’t know why he won’t do any of this. We are both sophisticated enough to get this done, advance degrees and high power jobs. I just don’t know why he doesn’t care to get it over with.

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Well maybe he's rethinking his decision to divorce. Maybe little miss plaything isn't looking so appealing now that he's really free to engage. I always say the affair never seems as appealing when you don't have to sneak around anymore.

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I'm not trying to hijack, but my story is similar. My STBXH had an affair and told me he couldn't wait to divorce me. That was over a year ago. I told him since he was so hell bent on D, he could file and pay all of the associated costs. I wouldn't fight him. It took a few months, but I moved out. Living together during separation was hell. I didn't file, because I couldn't afford to. He didn't file for over a year and I had to ask him every day when he planned to file until he actually did. Divorce only takes 60 days in our state. He could have been free and clear fast.

 

I didn't want a divorce, yet I had to wait for him to get the divorce he wanted. He also tried to be friends like nothing had happened, but he never wanted to do any of the things to attempt reconciliation. I felt like the one paying for his sins while he lived blissfully absolved from the destruction he caused.

 

I think my STBXH had already rewritten our history, justified it in his mind, and moved on before I was aware there were major problems. He most likely was using the time frame to give the appearance that he was a good guy making an effort, rather than the guy that cheated and ran out on his family. Why would he be in a hurry to D? He's been living like he's single any way. He was too wrapped up in his own needs to bother taking time to file and set me free.

 

Either way, it's so hard. They show how little respect the have for their spouse when they cheat and when they won't follow through with divorce in a timely manner. It should seem like a blessing in disguise, but I'm not there yet. It doesn't sound like you are either. Sending you positive energy.

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What advantages does he have to staying married? Health insurance? Tax savings? Continued gain in value of your 401k? Rights to your social security benefits after 10 years of marriage? Spousal support from a long term marriage? Look at the financials, the insurance, and the non tangibles. Something he's hiding that would come out along the way during disclosure of financial assets?

 

Maybe he doesn't want to spend the money on an attorney, maybe he doesn't even have it (you say he's got money but maybe he spent it all on drugs or a gambling addiction, who knows?)

 

Get inside his head and think like he's thinking. There's a reason and I doubt it's laziness.

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I just don’t know why he won’t do any of this. We are both sophisticated enough to get this done, advance degrees and high power jobs. I just don’t know why he doesn’t care to get it over with.

 

Because he is enjoying it...does it matter? He is going to hide 20K?...who cares. You think he cares about whether or not he hides his new love because he is still married?...he doesn't.

 

Personally, I think you're shopping around for some magic...aha...answer to a question you will really never know the answer to, but want to dwell upon. You got ride of the dude...be happy. A judge may or may no set aside a divorce..depending upon the conditions...it's worth the couple grand. Besides, you say you're an attorney, do your own divorce.

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Because he is enjoying it...does it matter? He is going to hide 20K?...who cares. You think he cares about whether or not he hides his new love because he is still married?...he doesn't.

 

Personally, I think you're shopping around for some magic...aha...answer to a question you will really never know the answer to, but want to dwell upon. You got ride of the dude...be happy. A judge may or may no set aside a divorce..depending upon the conditions...it's worth the couple grand. Besides, you say you're an attorney, do your own divorce.

 

Have you heard the saying that a man who represents himself has a fool for an attorney? :) I don’t do family law, I could do a divorce that would get the job done but I want to make sure it’s done well.

 

He wants to hide the affair partner because he has told everyone that there is no affair. He told his family we have been working at our marriage for a long time and there is nothing left to try. He told them we agreed on everything and weren’t hiring attorneys, even though he knew I already had one. He wants to look like the good guy and he tells me all the time I’m crazy for thinking he was cheating and I’m just trying to blame something else for “what I did.” I am not perfect but I didn’t “do” any thing I’m ashamed of.

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What advantages does he have to staying married? Health insurance? Tax savings? Continued gain in value of your 401k? Rights to your social security benefits after 10 years of marriage? Spousal support from a long term marriage? Look at the financials, the insurance, and the non tangibles. Something he's hiding that would come out along the way during disclosure of financial assets?

 

Maybe he doesn't want to spend the money on an attorney, maybe he doesn't even have it (you say he's got money but maybe he spent it all on drugs or a gambling addiction, who knows?)

 

Get inside his head and think like he's thinking. There's a reason and I doubt it's laziness.

 

 

We each have our own insurance. He makes probably 4 times what I make so my income doesn’t make much difference. We aren’t close to the 10 years for social security and our tax rate is probably about the same married as it is for him alone. Or higher. I would save money tax wise after the divorce but his monthly income, accumulated 401k value, etc actually provides me the incentive to stay married, but not him.

 

The part about hiding info could be it, though. I think there is financial evidence of the affair and he doesn’t want to face it. He denies the affair, says our relationship can be the exact same as it was when we were married except we can have an opportunity to be happy with new romantic partners. The only reason we aren’t having family time together with the kids etc is because I won’t even speak to him unless absolutely necessary. But he’s never reached out beyond little invitations to make small talk which I reject.

 

And I know he has the money because we still have joint accounts plus I took a bunch and put it in an account he couldn’t access just in case and it’s a lot of money.

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Maybe he doesn't want to split his 401k or pay support. Or risk having you find assets he hid during the marriage.

 

Not understanding why you still have joint accounts. This guy cheated on you in the worst possible way and clearly cannot be trusted. Take your half out of each one and put them where he can't touch them. Otherwise you risk him draining those accounts at any time. But you're an attorney, you know this.

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Stop playing nice and start playing hardball.

Expose the affair everywhere, get those financial records, get another lawyer or replace your current one if he can't get anything done.

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I'm not trying to hijack, but my story is similar. My STBXH had an affair and told me he couldn't wait to divorce me. That was over a year ago. I told him since he was so hell bent on D, he could file and pay all of the associated costs. I wouldn't fight him. It took a few months, but I moved out. Living together during separation was hell. I didn't file, because I couldn't afford to. He didn't file for over a year and I had to ask him every day when he planned to file until he actually did. Divorce only takes 60 days in our state. He could have been free and clear fast.

 

I didn't want a divorce, yet I had to wait for him to get the divorce he wanted. He also tried to be friends like nothing had happened, but he never wanted to do any of the things to attempt reconciliation. I felt like the one paying for his sins while he lived blissfully absolved from the destruction he caused.

 

I think my STBXH had already rewritten our history, justified it in his mind, and moved on before I was aware there were major problems. He most likely was using the time frame to give the appearance that he was a good guy making an effort, rather than the guy that cheated and ran out on his family. Why would he be in a hurry to D? He's been living like he's single any way. He was too wrapped up in his own needs to bother taking time to file and set me free.

 

Either way, it's so hard. They show how little respect the have for their spouse when they cheat and when they won't follow through with divorce in a timely manner. It should seem like a blessing in disguise, but I'm not there yet. It doesn't sound like you are either. Sending you positive energy.

 

Gosh I’m sorry, this does sound like there are some similarities. I do think that my husband has already rewritten history to say that this was inevitable, he says it has nothing to do with the lies he told and that I’m wrong when I say any energy he spent on another relationship was robbing me and our kids of his effort.

 

In some ways it’s like why rush to divorce when he has everything he wants, except I know he wants to buy a house because he already asked me to sign a waiver of rights to a property he wanted and I said no. But really he has the freedom now to run around with whoever and spend time with his “friend” without dealing with questions from me.

 

He also wants to be friends and act like nothing happened. WTH? He betrayed me in this huge way, we have a child who is struggling to adjust. He broke our hearts and acts like sometimes these things just happen. I think he either doesn’t want to deal with the financial truths I will uncover during the divorce process or maybe he doesn’t want to be totally free and clear where his AP wants more of a commitment. He told me the best thing about her is that she never expects anything of him. I’m sure that will last a real long time now...

 

Sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s unbelievably hard.

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Maybe he doesn't want to split his 401k or pay support. Or risk having you find assets he hid during the marriage.

 

Not understanding why you still have joint accounts. This guy cheated on you in the worst possible way and clearly cannot be trusted. Take your half out of each one and put them where he can't touch them. Otherwise you risk him draining those accounts at any time. But you're an attorney, you know this.

 

Begin separating everything!

 

Get a bank account that is only in your name.

 

Move all assets you deem fair (at least 50%) to your name only.

 

 

He’s acting all nice because he wants to believe you won’t take your 50% of the assets... in other words - he’s looking out for his own best interest.

 

Get mad! He’s ruined your life and your family unit! You should be looking out for your best interest and your kid(s).

 

Stop being so nice to a man who completely betrayed you!

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Maybe he doesn't want to split his 401k or pay support. Or risk having you find assets he hid during the marriage.

 

Not understanding why you still have joint accounts. This guy cheated on you in the worst possible way and clearly cannot be trusted. Take your half out of each one and put them where he can't touch them. Otherwise you risk him draining those accounts at any time. But you're an attorney, you know this.

 

I have most of the cash where he can’t access it. The rest of the money is in investment accounts and he works at the investment company.

 

We have joint checking because he still deposits his salary there and I spend it on my rent, my kids, bills, groceries, etc. His deposits are much larger than mine. His income is high enough to pay me back if he depletes marital assets against the court order that we have now that says we can’t take on debts, make major purchases, or conceal assets.

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And I know he has the money because we still have joint accounts plus I took a bunch and put it in an account he couldn’t access just in case and it’s a lot of money.

 

Had a buddy in a similar situation, his wife was non-responsive and uncooperative. He offered her some small incentive to participate (sorry, don't remember what it was) and things moved forward from there.

 

Only you can determine how much moving forward with your life is worth to you. I gave my ex much more than I had to, and to this day still claim it was the best deal I ever made...

 

Mr. Lucky

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The rest of the money is in investment accounts and he works at the investment company.

 

 

Move it.

 

 

 

We have joint checking because he still deposits his salary there and I spend it on my rent, my kids, bills, groceries, etc.

 

 

You are separated. File for support. You want a divorce? Start acting like you want a divorce.

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Move it.

 

 

You are separated. File for support. You want a divorce? Start acting like you want a divorce.

 

I wasn’t the one who wanted the divorce, I filed to protect our assets. I can’t move the investments without his permission because we are joint owners on the accounts. And I wouldn’t get support following a 6 year marriage where I make more than enough to cover my expenses. Eventually he will pay child support but right now I just spend what he makes if I feel like it. How would involving the court be better for me?

 

My question wasn’t how to get the divorce to move, it was why doesn’t he have any motivation to do it?

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My question wasn’t how to get the divorce to move, it was why doesn’t he have any motivation to do it?

You're asking for people who are not in his head to tell you what is in his head. It's impossible.

 

Next to him, you are the one who potentially knows the answer better than anyone else (next to him), or his parent(s), sibling(s), or best friend.

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My question wasn’t how to get the divorce to move, it was why doesn’t he have any motivation to do it?

 

Oh, I am so sorry, I totally misunderstood your post. You don't actually want to GET divorced, you just want to know why HE doesn't want to be divorced.

 

In that case I'll just have to guess as to his motivations to stay married and say they're the same as yours.

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Turning point

He's selfish and wants to make it difficult for you because you called him out on his bull****. Then again, maybe his girlfriend is pregnant.

You can't afford to wait for him. His liabilities become your liabilities. Do whatever it takes to drag his a$$ into court: Motion to compel, imputed income, demand for temporary support, child support, etc.

 

Your divorcing him not negotiating an arms treaty - stop being complacent.

 

He could lose his job, get sued for sexual harassment, or sire another child. You don't need any of that getting in the way of your divorce.

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***There's a lot of confusion on this thread***

 

 

The Op has stated she is not looking for advice on how to get divorced she just wants to know why he doesn't want to get divorced.

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