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Why wonít he cooperate with divorce he wanted?


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Old 5th February 2019, 3:38 PM   #16
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I'm not trying to hijack, but my story is similar. My STBXH had an affair and told me he couldn't wait to divorce me. That was over a year ago. I told him since he was so hell bent on D, he could file and pay all of the associated costs. I wouldn't fight him. It took a few months, but I moved out. Living together during separation was hell. I didn't file, because I couldn't afford to. He didn't file for over a year and I had to ask him every day when he planned to file until he actually did. Divorce only takes 60 days in our state. He could have been free and clear fast.

I didn't want a divorce, yet I had to wait for him to get the divorce he wanted. He also tried to be friends like nothing had happened, but he never wanted to do any of the things to attempt reconciliation. I felt like the one paying for his sins while he lived blissfully absolved from the destruction he caused.

I think my STBXH had already rewritten our history, justified it in his mind, and moved on before I was aware there were major problems. He most likely was using the time frame to give the appearance that he was a good guy making an effort, rather than the guy that cheated and ran out on his family. Why would he be in a hurry to D? He's been living like he's single any way. He was too wrapped up in his own needs to bother taking time to file and set me free.

Either way, it's so hard. They show how little respect the have for their spouse when they cheat and when they won't follow through with divorce in a timely manner. It should seem like a blessing in disguise, but I'm not there yet. It doesn't sound like you are either. Sending you positive energy.
Gosh Iím sorry, this does sound like there are some similarities. I do think that my husband has already rewritten history to say that this was inevitable, he says it has nothing to do with the lies he told and that Iím wrong when I say any energy he spent on another relationship was robbing me and our kids of his effort.

In some ways itís like why rush to divorce when he has everything he wants, except I know he wants to buy a house because he already asked me to sign a waiver of rights to a property he wanted and I said no. But really he has the freedom now to run around with whoever and spend time with his ďfriendĒ without dealing with questions from me.

He also wants to be friends and act like nothing happened. WTH? He betrayed me in this huge way, we have a child who is struggling to adjust. He broke our hearts and acts like sometimes these things just happen. I think he either doesnít want to deal with the financial truths I will uncover during the divorce process or maybe he doesnít want to be totally free and clear where his AP wants more of a commitment. He told me the best thing about her is that she never expects anything of him. Iím sure that will last a real long time now...

Sorry youíre dealing with this, itís unbelievably hard.
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:42 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Normm View Post
Maybe he doesn't want to split his 401k or pay support. Or risk having you find assets he hid during the marriage.

Not understanding why you still have joint accounts. This guy cheated on you in the worst possible way and clearly cannot be trusted. Take your half out of each one and put them where he can't touch them. Otherwise you risk him draining those accounts at any time. But you're an attorney, you know this.
Begin separating everything!

Get a bank account that is only in your name.

Move all assets you deem fair (at least 50%) to your name only.


Heís acting all nice because he wants to believe you wonít take your 50% of the assets... in other words - heís looking out for his own best interest.

Get mad! Heís ruined your life and your family unit! You should be looking out for your best interest and your kid(s).

Stop being so nice to a man who completely betrayed you!
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:51 PM   #18
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Maybe he doesn't want to split his 401k or pay support. Or risk having you find assets he hid during the marriage.

Not understanding why you still have joint accounts. This guy cheated on you in the worst possible way and clearly cannot be trusted. Take your half out of each one and put them where he can't touch them. Otherwise you risk him draining those accounts at any time. But you're an attorney, you know this.
I have most of the cash where he canít access it. The rest of the money is in investment accounts and he works at the investment company.

We have joint checking because he still deposits his salary there and I spend it on my rent, my kids, bills, groceries, etc. His deposits are much larger than mine. His income is high enough to pay me back if he depletes marital assets against the court order that we have now that says we canít take on debts, make major purchases, or conceal assets.
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:55 PM   #19
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And I know he has the money because we still have joint accounts plus I took a bunch and put it in an account he couldnít access just in case and itís a lot of money.
Had a buddy in a similar situation, his wife was non-responsive and uncooperative. He offered her some small incentive to participate (sorry, don't remember what it was) and things moved forward from there.

Only you can determine how much moving forward with your life is worth to you. I gave my ex much more than I had to, and to this day still claim it was the best deal I ever made...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 5th February 2019, 4:15 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by chryssy83 View Post
The rest of the money is in investment accounts and he works at the investment company.

Move it.



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Originally Posted by chryssy83 View Post
We have joint checking because he still deposits his salary there and I spend it on my rent, my kids, bills, groceries, etc.

You are separated. File for support. You want a divorce? Start acting like you want a divorce.
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Old 5th February 2019, 5:08 PM   #21
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Move it.


You are separated. File for support. You want a divorce? Start acting like you want a divorce.
I wasn’t the one who wanted the divorce, I filed to protect our assets. I can’t move the investments without his permission because we are joint owners on the accounts. And I wouldn’t get support following a 6 year marriage where I make more than enough to cover my expenses. Eventually he will pay child support but right now I just spend what he makes if I feel like it. How would involving the court be better for me?

My question wasn’t how to get the divorce to move, it was why doesn’t he have any motivation to do it?

Last edited by chryssy83; 5th February 2019 at 5:11 PM..
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Old 5th February 2019, 5:27 PM   #22
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My question wasnít how to get the divorce to move, it was why doesnít he have any motivation to do it?
You're asking for people who are not in his head to tell you what is in his head. It's impossible.

Next to him, you are the one who potentially knows the answer better than anyone else (next to him), or his parent(s), sibling(s), or best friend.
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Old 5th February 2019, 5:33 PM   #23
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My question wasn’t how to get the divorce to move, it was why doesn’t he have any motivation to do it?
Oh, I am so sorry, I totally misunderstood your post. You don't actually want to GET divorced, you just want to know why HE doesn't want to be divorced.

In that case I'll just have to guess as to his motivations to stay married and say they're the same as yours.
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Old 5th February 2019, 5:42 PM   #24
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He's selfish and wants to make it difficult for you because you called him out on his bull****. Then again, maybe his girlfriend is pregnant.

You can't afford to wait for him.
His liabilities become your liabilities. Do whatever it takes to drag his a$$ into court: Motion to compel, imputed income, demand for temporary support, child support, etc.

Your divorcing him not negotiating an arms treaty - stop being complacent.

He could lose his job, get sued for sexual harassment, or sire another child. You don't need any of that getting in the way of your divorce.
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Old 5th February 2019, 5:45 PM   #25
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***There's a lot of confusion on this thread***


The Op has stated she is not looking for advice on how to get divorced she just wants to know why he doesn't want to get divorced.
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Old 5th February 2019, 5:56 PM   #26
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The Op has stated she is not looking for advice on how to get divorced she just wants to know why he doesn't want to get divorced.
Because it's not in his self-interest to do so. He has a girlfriend, all his assets, continued secrecy, and a hesitant wife to fall back on. Life is good.
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Old 5th February 2019, 6:47 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by chryssy83 View Post
I wasnít the one who wanted the divorce, I filed to protect our assets. I canít move the investments without his permission because we are joint owners on the accounts. And I wouldnít get support following a 6 year marriage where I make more than enough to cover my expenses. Eventually he will pay child support but right now I just spend what he makes if I feel like it. How would involving the court be better for me?

My question wasnít how to get the divorce to move, it was why doesnít he have any motivation to do it?
Be sure you have a sharp, hard lawyer (hell more than one if it suits you).

I'm no legal expert but even if you have 'enough to cover your expenses' depending on where you live, and disparity in income between you two (sounds like he made more) you may get a ruling for alimony to maintain your lifestyle (EG lifestyle of a houselhold where ostensibly you had half ownership of a joint income) not the exact dollar amount perhaps, but domicile type, etc.

Don't get some easy breezy lawyer who can't do anything which isn't a rubberstamp or pre-made form because he hasn't the time or will.
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Old 5th February 2019, 9:56 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by Orokotikki View Post
Be sure you have a sharp, hard lawyer (hell more than one if it suits you).

I'm no legal expert but even if you have 'enough to cover your expenses' depending on where you live, and disparity in income between you two (sounds like he made more) you may get a ruling for alimony to maintain your lifestyle (EG lifestyle of a houselhold where ostensibly you had half ownership of a joint income) not the exact dollar amount perhaps, but domicile type, etc.

Don't get some easy breezy lawyer who can't do anything which isn't a rubberstamp or pre-made form because he hasn't the time or will.
I was referring to temporary maintenance while the divorce is pending, which would just be ordered if I couldnít meet my needs/the kidsí needs while the divorce was pending.

My attorney and I started the divorce anticipating that he would be in a hurry since he was cheating and he was so eager to sell the house. I didnít expect that things would just sort of languish. Iíll call the attorney tomorrow and see what he thinks the best options are. Financially itís better for me to stay married longer because then there is more money to split, but there is also the risk like someone mentioned that he gets into trouble at work or something. And now it seems like heís trying to hide some money. Plus I would like to be able to move forward and buy a house and have finality at some point, too.
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Old 6th February 2019, 12:14 AM   #29
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I was referring to temporary maintenance while the divorce is pending, which would just be ordered if I couldnít meet my needs/the kidsí needs while the divorce was pending.

My attorney and I started the divorce anticipating that he would be in a hurry since he was cheating and he was so eager to sell the house. I didnít expect that things would just sort of languish. Iíll call the attorney tomorrow and see what he thinks the best options are. Financially itís better for me to stay married longer because then there is more money to split, but there is also the risk like someone mentioned that he gets into trouble at work or something. And now it seems like heís trying to hide some money. Plus I would like to be able to move forward and buy a house and have finality at some point, too.
Get it finalized - waiting gives him time to hide more income and pay you less after time goes by.

Submit the last three years of income tax returns...for proof.

Remember if money is combined - he has access to take ALL of it at any given moment! Protect yourself/your future. - donít leave yourself at the mercy of him being fair!

And heís not in a hurry because when the D is final - that means a gal may expect him to be capable of commuting to marriage - so as long as heís married now he has a valid excuse to any gal making demands.
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Old 6th February 2019, 6:28 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by chryssy83 View Post
Have you heard the saying that a man who represents himself has a fool for an attorney?
The way I heard it, a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client. Subtle but distinct difference.

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Originally Posted by chryssy83 View Post
Iím an attorney so I know I can get a default, the problem is that he will just get it set aside and we will be married again. Thatís a waste of my time and our money to pay the attorney to do the divorce twice.
Did your lawyer tell you this, or are these your own thoughts? If you want to get divorced then you can get divorced, you don't need your ex's permission, cooperation or even his signature. If you want it, tell your lawyer to get it done without your ex's cooperation.

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heís not in a hurry because when the D is final - that means a gal may expect him to be capable of commuting to marriage - so as long as heís married now he has a valid excuse to any gal making demands.
Yeah, that could well be his reasons. He is probably complaining to his gf that you're not progressing the divorce.
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