15 years

[CDJB]

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and together for 16 years. We have two boys, 10 and 8. She also has a strong family history of mental illness and has delt with depression for years. She was diagnosed as bipolar just over a year ago. She appears to be taking her medications. We have had our issues over the years like most. We have had 3 big blow ups in 15 years. In the first 2 blow ups I mention divorce and suicide. I had no intentions doing either but stupidly used them for empathy. (Had separation issues as a kid as my mom left my dad who was a truck driver so we were raised by babysitters). So she is routinely unhappy about everything... from her job to the kids school to life in general. She would mention this and I relayed to her it’s life and everyone hates there job to everyone wants their kids in a better school, etc. She recently came to me and said she wants a permit separation and that she was getting her own apartment. She has said the most meanest things she has ever said to me in our 15 years. I have tried to talk to her before I read the Divorce Remedy book. She also read it and said that book is nothing more than manipulation and that it is wrong. Every time we talk everything is my fault. She takes no responsibility for anything in the relationship. I have apologized time and time again and I have started counseling by myself as she refuses to go to marriage or individual counseling. She said it’s because no one is going to blame her as she feels she has tried for 15 years. So I am the only one trying to save this. She gives me a little hope and takes it away just as quick. I recently found paperwork from a attorney and when I asked her if I would be getting divorce papers once she is in her apartment she said she isn’t promising anyone anything. I did not tell her I saw the paperwork. When she told the kids about her apartment she said it wasn’t a divorce, although 2 days prior to that she paid a 3k retainer. Her support system are her parents who have hated me for the entire time we have been together and a female friend who is divorced. Clearly I’m a wreck and doing all I can.

[Marc878]

Well when they tell you and show you what they are planning you should believe them. Get to an attorney and prepare yourself.

 

You can't save a thing that would take both of you.

 

No begging, pleading or chasing. That will just push her farther away if that's possible.

 

It would be a good idea to check your phone bill and see who and how much she's talking with

[CDJB]

I have talked to a attorney and will hire him once I get the papers. She just hasn’t come clean about her attorney for what reason. Just so surprised her level of hate and resentment for me. She even told me that scientifically it would take her 8 years to get over our 15 year marriage. Not sure where she got that but... I think if she was not bipolar the map for this might be a little different. Not saying her feeling are invalid. Think they are so much more inflated. And of course when dealing with bipolar disorder, nothing is there fault. Starting with a psychologist on Wednesday so I’m eager for that.

[Mr. Lucky]

You might find some empowerment in the 180 list, designed to keep your sanity and allow your spouse to see you will indeed move on if they leave the marriage. Posted here for your consideration:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say “I Love You”.

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

 

Mr. Lucky

[CDJB]

I am trying. It has been the hardest thing I’ve had to do. Honestly I’m just plain scared. Scared she is gone for good, scared of when I will receive the papers, scared of how the boys are going to do with all this, scared about finances, just flat out scared. I pursued hard at first and then did some reading l. Got Breyer at not doing that but we would talk a little and I fell back into the pursuing. I have let her go the best I can and she has been packing for her move into her apartment this Friday. We talked again and feeling desperate I pursued a little, just trying to get her to do some counseling after she moves. But she is back and forth about it. She says she will think about after the moves then later implies she doesn’t need it because she tried for 15 years and I’m the one at fault. I did ask her before she starts date anyone if she would consider me and try dating me first. She said sure and we both smiled. I move out of the house the following week. She said she wants to help me move. And I know I have made some major 180 errors but I’m a emotional wreck. All of this is just so dam confusing and hurtful.

Edited February 4, 2019 by CDJB

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately you can't save a marriage by yourself when the other person wants out.

 

Rely on your counselor & prepare for the worst. As things move along, as much as this sucks, you will be closer to healing then you know.

[Mr. Lucky]

And I know I have made some major 180 errors but I’m a emotional wreck. All of this is just so dam confusing and hurtful.

 

Post the list on your mirror, study it while shaving each morning.

 

You can also look at it this way - the list is designed to give you the best chance to save your marriage if that's your goal. Your spouse needs to miss you and understand what's at risk, something she can't do if you're following her around like a puppy. The fact it prepares you for the future regardless of marital outcome is just an additional benefit.

 

CDJB, no matter what happens today, the sun is going to come up tomorrow. Your child will need you. You'll have to earn a living. You'll have friends and family to lean on. Read the list each day and follow the steps...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CDJB]

Thanks Lucky. I know it will. And I hope for the day that I’m not on this emotional roller coaster.

[Chris516]

There is a popular phrase that could be applied here, 'It takes two, to tango'.

 

Did she experience trauma at any point in her life, so far?

[Turning point]

I think it's time you let go of her and start designing what you want and need to be on your own.

 

I say that while I'm currently suffering in a bitter divorce from a personality disordered ex spouse. It is horrible by any standard of humanity but, you know what? I'll get through it. I'll be alright because all it really amounts to is CHANGE. I have a say in that - and I can make it a change that is better for me. It's not the dream I had but, it will be a new one I get to choose.

 

You can too! You can create a better life for your kids in space free from all the turmoil you've experienced these last 15 years. You simply have to choose it.

 

Your wife is rejecting you. This i snot a choice being offered to you. Separation is nothing more than a prelude to divorce, and as you've seen she's not even being honest about it. You don't have to reject yourself as a result. Step up and find the version of you that has been lost in all drama.

Edited March 9, 2019 by Turning point

[Marc878]

If you chase or pursue they always move farther away.

 

Check your phone bill now !!!!!!!

 

I would doubt this just happened.

 

They will usually rewrite the marital history to justify their actions. It smells like that's what this is.

[sure2win]

Everything said in the reply’s is solid truth,unfortunately. I went through

A lot of what your going through . The 180 rule is legit. . Follow it. I did in my 20s and women chased me. Then I got married, let my guard down and was curbed like a trash can. Stay strong bud