jaimepn Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 That is the request of my wife when she decided to leave me. I am her best friend, but unfortunately, she is not in love ("we can't control our heart" she says), and is rejecting my proposals for couples therapy or romantic holidays. However, we usually have a great time when we go out together! I like her a lot and want to maximize chances of her falling in love with me again, to the point where she has to be the one making concessions. I know this is highly unlikely to happen, but hey... - I could be friends and continue to going to the cinema, having meals out, etc (this is what she wants) - I could be friends for a time of need but try to restrict contact to a bare minimum. - I could "cut off" contact entirely, by saying "don't waste time with me, if you don't want to invest in our relationship". That would be a surprise for her, but I have the right to do it. Opinions? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 As friends what are you going to do when your FRIEND falls in love with a new guy? Will you be happy for your friend? If not, you can't be her friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaimepn Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) That is pretty much established. If she starts a new relationship our friendship ends automatically. I just want to maximize my chances before that stage where she falls in love with someone else (if that hasn't already happened - she said "I don't have anyone", but ...). She's very social and everyone seems to fancy her, that wouldn't take long. Edited January 14, 2019 by jaimepn Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I wonder what her current affair partner thinks of this idea. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 She just wants to feel better about what she's done. She is NOT your friend. Sorry, but it is true. Don't fall for this trap. Negotiate with her like a business deal. Cut her off unless it is to discuss your divorce or kids. Divorce her ASAP while she still wants to 'be your friend'. Seriously. Go no contact as much as possible. Ask yourself what will happen if you don't discuss something. Likely nothing - which means don't do it. No more talks about the weather. Honestly, this sounds right out of the cheater 101 script - she either has or had a boyfriend. The reality is that it makes no difference. Don't play the pick me game. She doesn't want you. There are woman that will. Being alone is WAY better than being with someone that doesn't want you. I'm sorry but you should go cold to her. No need to be mean and nasty. Just be indifferent. Link to post Share on other sites
Fekenaws Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 If you want the BEST chance of getting her back you have to do the following. 1) Tell her you had time to think about it and friendship doesn't work for you, but she can reach out if she changes her mind about your relationship 2) Go No Contact. No texting, no calling, no liking her posts, no viewing her stories, no nothing. She's done. This phase lasts indefinitely until she reaches out 3) IF she reaches out for any reason assume she is interested. Keep the conversation short and SET A DATE. If she gives you ANY other answer than YES, retract the offer and say No problem, lemme know when you change your mind, and then go back into indefinite No Contact. That's it. Being friends with her will not get you back together, you need to walk away and start moving on with your life, that's the best chance you have of getting with her again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Dude Abides Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) OP I read your earlier thread and feel terribly for you. I can understand this current state of mind of yours where you are willing to ‘settle’ for friendship status as a way to have a chance to re-establish with her what you once had. IMO, this is just setting you up for a prolonged state of pain and anguish. In theory, you should be able to remain friends but real-life experience shows that this doesn’t work out as well as many people hope. I feel like being married, in the most devoted and committed sense of the word (for example, not ‘a marriage of convenience’ or some other less-than-genuine level of devotion to each other) is an all-or-none type of deal. Once a spouse devotes himself/herself to the spouse with a full committment of emotional energy, it seems to me that it is difficult if not imposible to separate the various components out and then just run with certain elements of what once made up the whole relationship. Speaking for me, I can’t imagine how I could see or interact with my wife if (God forbid) she decided she didn’t want me to be her husband any longer but still thought I was a great guy and felt she could socialize with me on occasion. I simply couldn’t live my life with a semi-separate status. I would feel dreadfully incomplete. I have known many people who say of their former spouses something along the lines of “we get along wonderfully now that we are divorced” or something similar. But that isn’t what your situation is at the moment. I hope you can work all this out so you get some peace of mind. You deserve better than having your wife offer some sort of consolation prize to you as she moves on with the next thing in her life. Edited January 14, 2019 by The Dude Abides Fix typo Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Opinions? Setting your marital history aside, have you ever been in love with a "friend"? It's really frustrating, akin to being allowed in the kitchen while the meal is prepared but then denied a seat at the dinner table. In your case, you'd simply be shopping for more pain to add to the load you already carry. Bad idea and not one that increases you admittedly small chance of eventual reconciliation. Let her miss you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Usually in situations as this, there is already another man. Skip the "friends " stuff, it will only delay your healing process. Cut her out of your life and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 - I could be friends and continue to going to the cinema, having meals out, etc (this is what she wants) Of course she wants that. Who wouldn't? Still besotted exes (like you), make great best friends. Heartbroken exes want her back so they worship her and will do almost anything for her... she just needs to snap her fingers. Does she want him back? Not likely, what a strange question??? They are "just friends"... I read your story I do not believe she was ever in love with you, she used you and the minute she finished her education and got a good job she binned you. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 - I could be friends and continue to going to the cinema, having meals out, etc (this is what she wants) - I could be friends for a time of need but try to restrict contact to a bare minimum. - I could "cut off" contact entirely, by saying "don't waste time with me, if you don't want to invest in our relationship". That would be a surprise for her, but I have the right to do it.1. If there are kids involved do the second one. 2. If there are no kids involved then no contact with her, but without being a dick. You don't burn bridges. See other women but keep it casual unless a really good one comes along. If she reaches out,...respond,...don't be a dick. Treat her like you would any other woman you would be happy to hear from,...and set a date (just like you would any other woman). No matter if it is #1 or #2 above... If she accepts you go on the date just like you would any other date and treat her the same as any other woman you would go on a date with. If you haven't figured out where I am going with that yet, it is simple. You are open to dating her just like any other woman you would date and the date is casual and has to build up to something bigger just like any other woman. Ever hear the phrase, "Remember what got you where you were"? You are starting over from scratch, and treat it that way. Yes, your familiarity with each other may speed up the process,...but it is still the same process. Do not bring up the past, avoid the concept of "closure", "closure" is just BS. She needs to leave from the date with warm happy feelings,...not like she just lost a debate about the past. Do not go on an apology tour,...apologies just dredge up the past and the bad feelings that go along with it. Tomorrow is always a new day and you keep focused on moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Maybe she wants to be friends so you don’t screw her over in the divorce. I did that, played nice until I got exactly what I wanted while giving him false hope that we could get back together. That’s how I know it can be done. And before anyone hates on me for that, please save it. He strangled me when I was pregnant and hit that same child across his face so hard he broke his new glasses when he was nine so he deserves everything bad that comes his way until the day that he leaves this world a better place by dying. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 That is the request of my wife when she decided to leave me. I am her best friend, but unfortunately, she is not in love ("we can't control our heart" she says), and is rejecting my proposals for couples therapy or romantic holidays. However, we usually have a great time when we go out together! I like her a lot and want to maximize chances of her falling in love with me again, to the point where she has to be the one making concessions. I know this is highly unlikely to happen, but hey... - I could be friends and continue to going to the cinema, having meals out, etc (this is what she wants) - I could be friends for a time of need but try to restrict contact to a bare minimum. - I could "cut off" contact entirely, by saying "don't waste time with me, if you don't want to invest in our relationship". That would be a surprise for her, but I have the right to do it. Opinions? This commonly called trying to nice them back or doing the "pick me" dance. It works out the opposite of what you intend it to. It lowers your status and relieves her of guilt (he" ok with what I'm doing because we're friends). Your weak Nice Guy attitude will also make her Other man look stronger/better. Make no mistake she already has someone lined up. Go online and check your phone bill. You best option when the hive you the ilybnilwu speech is to cut any unnecessary contact and go your own way. You have to be strong to handle it. If not you'll just end up getting played. It sounds like you already are. Wake up and find out who her boyfriend is. There is one in the mix. This happens all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 That is the request of my wife when she decided to leave me. I am her best friend, but unfortunately, she is not in love ("we can't control our heart" she says), and is rejecting my proposals for couples therapy or romantic holidays. However, we usually have a great time when we go out together! I like her a lot and want to maximize chances of her falling in love with me again, to the point where she has to be the one making concessions. I know this is highly unlikely to happen, but hey... - I could be friends and continue to going to the cinema, having meals out, etc (this is what she wants) - I could be friends for a time of need but try to restrict contact to a bare minimum. - I could "cut off" contact entirely, by saying "don't waste time with me, if you don't want to invest in our relationship". That would be a surprise for her, but I have the right to do it. Opinions? If she chose to leave you, it means she is choosing to meet someone else. Let that sink in for a moment. Do you think he'll be okay with her still staying in contact with you? The ex husband? If she loves him, she will be committed to a future with him, which means she's going to let you go because you are the past. The only possible exception to this is if you two have children. Personally, I would say not to entertain a friendship with her because it won't be a sincere one. It's just a way to transition into something with someone new while having a safety, because letting go immediately, is too difficult. If she doesn't want to be with you, she needs to understand that she loses all of you. She doesn't get keep the parts of you she wants while she throws away the rest. People can't just turn off their feelings. That takes time..possibly years. Whatever pre-existing friendship there was becomes intertwined once a romantic relationship is formed. It happens because of the intimacy. And once that happens, we can't separate one from the other again. If the relationship is over, so is the friendship. Staying close to her will stop you from moving on because of your lingering feelings which will manifest into hope and addiction..both being toxic to you..and it will break down your state of mind until you are broken. She knows friendship is a raw deal and that you would be forgoing your worth to accept it and that shows weakness on your part. Therefore, by accepting a "friendship" she will lose respect in you. Be strong, wish her well and don't contact her again unless she has something sincere to say again. Prioritize your mental health now. What she feels about you leaving isn't your concern anymore. She wanted out, she got it. - Beach Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 You should start dating other people. I doubt it makes her fall in lust with you all over again, but if that doesn't, nothing is going to. It might work at least temporarily. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 You want a wife and she wants a "friend." The power imbalance of that alone is completely unhealthy. Don't do it. It sounds evil. Perhaps she has already used you in some way? If she's terminating the lease on your relationship I see no reason to let her keep the parking space. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts