Too guilty to ask for divorce.

[Abbentley]

Quick back ground. I’m 26 my husband is 31. Been together 9 years- married 2.

It’s been 5 years since he spoke to ANY of his family. His dad has now passed away. He is so depressed and our marriage has been unhappy for 12 months. He is very depressed but doesn’t think he is. I have tried and tried to get him help. But now I have given up on our marriage and I want a divorce. BUT I want him to get better, I am so terrified of him being on his own and what will happen to him. I’m also terrified to give up my life with him. It’s all I have known for most of my adult life but I know staying like this for the rest of my life is crazy.

SO, how the hell do I tell him I actually want a divorce and how do I live with the guilt knowing he doesn’t speak to his family because they didn’t accept me? I don’t want him to be on his own and his friends just don’t really seem to care?

[PegNosePete]

SO, how the hell do I tell him I actually want a divorce

You don't have to tell him you want one. Just tell him you're going to file. His cooperation, permission or even his signature are not required so there's no reason to ask; just file.

 

how do I live with the guilt knowing he doesn’t speak to his family because they didn’t accept me?

Why do you have guilt over his decisions? He has made his choices, the consequences are his problem, not yours. Besides, when you're out of the picture his family will probably accept him back. It's quite common.

 

I don’t want him to be on his own and his friends just don’t really seem to care?

This is not your problem. You're not his mother. He is a grown adult and when you are divorced it will be up to him to live his life how he sees fit and for him to solve his own problems.

[jaimepn]

I can definitely relate to your pain. My wife was depressed at a time and it was emotionally draining. I was exhausted all the time and that affected everything else, including my work productivity. During the worst period, I had to cancel work-related events because I was too afraid to let her alone for too long.

 

After insisting a LOT, she decided to accept seeing a doctor and having medication... just for it not to work... none of the cocktail of different pills being trialed worked.

 

I found she was having an affair, and it was the prospect of ending the marriage and very fundamental changes (we changed to a new country and started all over again), that caused her to get better!

 

After all this, with a renewed sense of happiness and self-esteem, she is now the one wanting to end the relationship.

 

What I am trying to say is... support him. If that is frustrating and you don't see progress... sometimes a new start is the only alternative, and sometimes the results can be surprisingly good. What doesn't make sense is to insist on something that is proven not to work.

[Abbentley]

It’s obviously hard to explain every detail on a forum like this. And I literally don’t know a single person that has gotten divorced that’s why I’m here.

I’m just scared of losing him completely, I want him to get better, I want him to be happy and I would actually love to stay friends or be able to check in but I know that absolutely will not happen and it’s silly to even think that it can. I’m just so terrified of how his reaction will be and I’m so scared this will push him over the edge when he is already so depressed but I just can’t do it anymore and I know it’s not my “responsibility” or “fault” but that certainly doesn’t stop the guilt. I just don’t know how I’m going to live with this.

[PegNosePete]

I’m just scared of losing him completely, I want him to get better, I want him to be happy and I would actually love to stay friends or be able to check in but I know that absolutely will not happen and it’s silly to even think that it can.

Well... yes. Unless you share children together it is not in the best interests of you or him to stay in contact after divorce. You might need to stay in contact temporarily if there is shared property or business or you work together, but you should restrict interaction to what is necessary and don't have social contact. It is wise to sever those ties as soon as possible, as amicably as possible.

 

You just have to trust that he will be able to find his own way in life. If he still has feelings for you then remaining in contact with you as "friends" will be harmful to him. The best way to help him is to set him free and let him handle the world in his own way.

 

I just don’t know how I’m going to live with this.

Believe me, after a while you will be SOOO glad you did it. Because wasting your life on a dead relationship is just the worst thing ever.

[Abbentley]

I know, I guess it’s just hard to fathom leaving the person you though you would spend the rest of your life with when they are in the worst state of your life. You still care and just want them to be okay. And it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that sometimes you just grow into different people and your not the same person you were when you were younger

[MetallicHue]

I can relate partly to this from the other side as someone who suffers from depression. You have to want help for yourself. If you’re unwilling to put in the effort it’s bound to end badly. I don’t want to have to put people through my s***. If he really wanted to make things better he’d get help. On the flip side at times it is hard to request help. But a year is just too much. I knew when I was slipping and I had no choice or risk losing myself and my marriage. I’m sorry your husband is unwilling to get help and things have gotten this far. I can imagine it’s a really tough decision but you have to look out for yourself too.

[d0nnivain]

If you get divorced of course you will lose him completely. That is the way it works.

 

You don't actually want a divorce. You want to help your husband & make your marriage work.

 

Two things have to happen. 1). he needs IC 2). you both need MC A professional will help you right this ship.

 

Why did his family cut him off over you? What can be done to mend those fences? I'd start by writing a letter to the mom or a sibling offering your condolences on the father's death. Talk about how your husband misses them & how you would like to facilitate a reconciliation between them. Be the peace maker.

[Mr. Lucky]

You don't actually want a divorce. You want to help your husband & make your marriage work.

 

Two things have to happen. 1). he needs IC 2). you both need MC A professional will help you right this ship.

 

Why did his family cut him off over you? What can be done to mend those fences? I'd start by writing a letter to the mom or a sibling offering your condolences on the father's death. Talk about how your husband misses them & how you would like to facilitate a reconciliation between them. Be the peace maker.

 

Agree with this, doesn't seem like you really want out. What you want is change, and to get there you need to be brave enough to step outside your comfort zone.

 

Contact his family, demand he seek treatment, make the appointments for him and tell him he goes with you - or you leave. Be disruptive and an advocate for the healthy things you need in the relationship. Don't badger or berate but don't suffer in silence. In other words, if your marriage is to fail, go down swinging, having tried everything you can.

 

There's no downside. If none of this works, right now you're headed for divorce anyway. I'd at least make it a noisy exit...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Turning point]

Have you discussed this possibility with him? It is not inconceivable that the solution to his depression is divorce but he hasn't yet arrived at that realization.

[FMW]

Divorce should be a last resort. But if you decide that is the right move then you shouldn't let guilt keep you in the marriage. As has been mentioned, it's possible the divorce would be in his best interest as well.

 

We didn't have children but my xH and I stay in touch. He has no family beyond one brother, and that brother isn't a great support system for him. My xH was unfaithful and I chose to divorce, but I felt guilty for taking away (my) family connections and stability from him. He's reached out to me a few times when he needed moral support. So it is possible to maintain some sort of connection - that depends on the two of you.

[Turning point]

I agree that your level of concern for him suggests you don't want a divorce, but change is needed one way or the other. You have each become isolated on different sides of the same divide. Here's my $0.02 and apply or discard it however you find appropriate.

 

His family refused to accept you. In addition to isolating you from the right to be seen and valued, they have saddled you with the guilt of standing between your husband and access to the love and support of family. That was a terrible thing to do to both of you on their part. This could not have been easy on you and in light of your husband's decline you're in an even more unfair position.

 

Your husband however, does not escape some responsibility here. He participated in this stand-off long enough to lose his father to his own regret, while letting you remain a pariah among his family. I'm not suggesting it was necessarily within his power to change their disposition but, this is where the situation has brought him. The depression is understandable but not acceptable when he has both a loving wife and the opportunity and resources to seek help.

 

While divorce does not appear to be what you want, the choice may already have been made for you without your consult. The depression is not solely about him because it has the same de facto impact on the relationship as had he checked out of the marriage for some other reason. His family cut you off from acceptance and now he has cut you off from connection.

 

"For better or worse and in good times or bad" is a vow that presumes we will make our best efforts during our worst times, and be good to each other even when things are bad. He owes it to you to save himself. That being said, be prepared for the possibility that the core issue of his depression is that he is only now making a choice he has put off for the entirety of your relationship, and transferring all of the guilt for it upon you.

 

Of course you're angry. Anyone steered in his way should be. So, take the steps suggested - reach out to his family, confront him about the betrayal of his withdrawal and surrender. Love toughly, and love yourself even when the people around you won't.