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20 years gone? [Updated Feb 25]


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 21st December 2018, 5:16 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by standtall View Post
OP, women with minor children seldom leave marriages to go off on their own unless.

1. 3rd party involvement by either
2. Mental illness by either.
3. Substance abuse by either.
4. Verbal or physical abuse by you.
5. Marital abandonment by you...ie too much xbox, fishing, buddies...whatever.

I would say 90% it is #1....absent that, pick your poison. I mean we are all human, so there are no absolutes, but you would be a rare, rare case if it wasn't one of those. Start digging...I would start digging with that mom club...somebody knows something.

1. Nope, and I really dont' think she is either.
2. Yes. Her. Use to get counseling, and is on an anti-depressant. I think it's been too many years, and it's levels are the new "Normal" for her. I asked her to go see a professional, but it's coming back on me as I'm trying to control her.
3. both clean, and no real alcohol use. (just her anti-depressant)
4. OK... I yell... but who doesn't? BUT.... No name calling ever. No spiteful stuff. Nothing that would be demoralizing. NEVER EVER put a finger on her in anger.
5. Not really. But one person's "Normal" is the next over doing it. But I don't think that's been an issue that came up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by guy45 View Post
OP have you gained weight by any chance? Or look different than in the past?


Maybe you just have to get back into shape.



Anyways, ask her if she still wants to be with you and tell her to give you an honest answer.


At the moment it seems neither of you are happy in this marriage. If she continues to act like this, would there be any point of staying?



If things don't work out and you two divorce at least you can find another person who loves you.

Sure... it's been 20 years. We've both put on a little weight... but I'm not "Over weight" either. I've gone gray and lost most of my hair... but she knew it was going long ago.


That the real question... she won't answer a straight question like... "Do you still want to be with me." AND... that's what's killing me... the "I don't know".
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Old 21st December 2018, 5:35 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by Blind-Sided View Post
That the real question... she won't answer a straight question like... "Do you still want to be with me."

Does she really need to answer that question? If she wanted to say yes don't you think she would have?
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Old 21st December 2018, 5:46 PM   #33
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Just to balance out some of the posts saying there absolutely has to be another man (otherwise she wouldn't want to leave) -

I was married for 23 years. Yes, I did end up getting involved with someone else a few months before actually telling my xH I wanted a divorce, but that new involvement was NOT the reason I wanted the divorce. I knew my marriage was over long before I was ready to admit it. The involvement with the other man was simply a symptom of that. I certainly didn't need him or anyone else to run to.

But beyond that rebuttal, I'm not sure my situation really has anything to do with yours. Another man is not a certainty, just a possibility. It's not clear to me if your marriage is beyond repair. She doesn't seem to be fully convinced herself.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Ending long marriages is definitely a life changing event. I hope you are able to resolve your issues.
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Old 21st December 2018, 6:00 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
Just to balance out some of the posts saying there absolutely has to be another man (otherwise she wouldn't want to leave) -

I was married for 23 years. Yes, I did end up getting involved with someone else a few months before actually telling my xH I wanted a divorce, but that new involvement was NOT the reason I wanted the divorce. I knew my marriage was over long before I was ready to admit it. The involvement with the other man was simply a symptom of that. I certainly didn't need him or anyone else to run to.

But beyond that rebuttal, I'm not sure my situation really has anything to do with yours. Another man is not a certainty, just a possibility. It's not clear to me if your marriage is beyond repair. She doesn't seem to be fully convinced herself.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Ending long marriages is definitely a life changing event. I hope you are able to resolve your issues.
But really there is no way of knowing that for sure...bottom line you didn't leave until you met another man....that is what we are trying to tell him and your attempt to balance things only worked to prove our point.
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Old 21st December 2018, 6:02 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by guy45 View Post
Does she really need to answer that question? If she wanted to say yes don't you think she would have?
She doesn't have a solid out, if she did she would be answering, you are her insurance policy, so she cant say no, not yet.
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Old 21st December 2018, 6:36 PM   #36
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Maybe it is menopause, maybe it is something else. The thing is that IT IS. Her statements and behavior say that she is done. Will she regret it? Does she have some dude or lady in the wings? It does not really matter. She is done. Stop looking for affirmation.

Stop trying to analyze this. If you believe her, and you have lived with her for 20 years so you must, then believe her now. The quickest way to resolve this is to move aggressively in the direction of ending this.

You want to know answers that validate YOU. "Do you want to be with me?" "Do you love me", etc. In the end, a marriage involves two willing participants and not one willing and affirmed participant (you) and one unwilling and unhappy participant (her). A divorce may mean that you are unhappy, but a marriage REQUIRES that BOTH be willing and happy.

Move to divorce. It does not have to be acrimonious. There does not have to be a reason that you agree with. In fact, perhaps once she realizes that being rid of you or at least the reality of that coming into focus is not the issue, then she may get to the root of the issue, if there be one. On the other had, she is just done being married to you. She does not need a reason. I know that hurts and it is easy for me to say, but it is true. Sorry. Really.

I am sorry for you, but it sounds like you need to adjust to this reality. End it collaboratively. Move in that direction. Let's take the fantasy out of this and then both of you can see clearly. She might change or, you might change. Who knows. It is scary, painful, disruptive, confusing, daunting, etc. But...it's gotta happen.
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Old 21st December 2018, 7:40 PM   #37
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Thanks for all the input so far.


Well... I couldn't take the "Maybe" stage anymore. She has already said that I was pushing her to answer my questions... but honestly, if she wants to dig up stuff going back at least 15 years ago... then she's had time. (in my eyes) So I told her Xmas is for family, and if she no longer wanted to be part of my family, she did not need to attend the festivities at my folks house. That actuly made her mad, and it boiled over. So then I pushed it to a black and while question. "Do you want to work I out or do you want a divorce?" She tip-toed around it, and I kept saying... "That's not answering the question". Eventually, she said... "I don't want to be married to YOU."


So... there it is.


I'm actually in tears, and my youngest kid was sitting here with me. I told her that mommy doesn't love daddy anymore. At first she was laughing... but then realized I was crying. Needless to say that made the wife mad, and she said "It shouldn't have been that way". (referring to the kids)




I'm sad, but I guess it will force to move forward. How's that for an Xmas gift.


I'll still watch this for a while if anyone else has any up lifting things to say.




Crap... when it rains it pours. I just got a txt. My folks were in an accident.
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Old 21st December 2018, 8:32 PM   #38
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OP I hope everything is okay with your folks.


Relating to your marriage, its perfectly normal to be upset. I'm so proud of you for having the courage to have the right conversation with her.



I'm pretty sure you probably weren't happy in this marriage anyway.

Also, having a marriage for 20 years is a huge success.


Change is always hard but its almost always for the best, you will be much happier.
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Old 21st December 2018, 10:23 PM   #39
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Quote:
Originally Posted by guy45 View Post
OP I hope everything is okay with your folks.


Relating to your marriage, its perfectly normal to be upset. I'm so proud of you for having the courage to have the right conversation with her.



I'm pretty sure you probably weren't happy in this marriage anyway.

Also, having a marriage for 20 years is a huge success.


Change is always hard but its almost always for the best, you will be much happier.

My folks are ok. Their SUV is a total... and they have some bumps and bruises... but nothing major. (thank God)


Actually... I was very happy, and that's why my name is Blind-Sided. I really didn't see this coming. If at the end of summer you would have asked me If I thought I would hit my 50th anniversary... I would have said, Absolutely. It issue is... every hurt she got built, and then she hit me with it when she was finally done. It's very unfair that she gave me no warning, and no way to resolve this. The kids are totally heart broken. No way for them to spend Xmas.
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Old 21st December 2018, 10:44 PM   #40
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My folks are ok. Their SUV is a total... and they have some bumps and bruises... but nothing major. (thank God)


Actually... I was very happy, and that's why my name is Blind-Sided. I really didn't see this coming. If at the end of summer you would have asked me If I thought I would hit my 50th anniversary... I would have said, Absolutely. It issue is... every hurt she got built, and then she hit me with it when she was finally done. It's very unfair that she gave me no warning, and no way to resolve this. The kids are totally heart broken. No way for them to spend Xmas.
Ever seen the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall.....I'm guessing the overall lack of communication in the marriage makes it tough for you to be truly happy, just make take you a while to figure it out. I dont know how often I've heard I thought I was happy until I truly was then I realized I never was.

That all being said, make sure you take care of yourself, may sound stupid but remember to eat.
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Old 21st December 2018, 10:56 PM   #41
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Originally Posted by Blind-Sided View Post
I'm actually in tears, and my youngest kid was sitting here with me. I told her that mommy doesn't love daddy anymore. At first she was laughing... but then realized I was crying. Needless to say that made the wife mad, and she said "It shouldn't have been that way". (referring to the kids)
Blind-Sided, I know you're in pain, but this isn't the way to handle it.

Kids simply don't understand adult emotions and the consequences involved and we have an parental obligation to protect them from the types of interactions you're describing. "mommy doesn't love daddy anymore" means something very different to a 7-year old and this isn't the way you want to disclose a divorce to young children.

Not matter what happens, your wife will still be the mother of your children. Everyone benefits if you help nurture that bond going forward...

Mr. Lucky
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Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

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Old 22nd December 2018, 4:59 AM   #42
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Not Blind-sided, just don't understand.

I am glad your parents are alright.

You weren't 'Blind-sided' you just didn't understand female nature. You can understand what happened with your wife, the reason, root and motive behind her behavior,why she married you, and why she is leaving you now, why been a 'good husband' wasn't enough or even wrong. The fact that you where saying 'she didn't give me the chance to fix it' is proof that you don't understand what just happened.

Buy this book for a start, it will be a great help for you.
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Old 23rd December 2018, 12:58 AM   #43
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If people are unhappy, they need to communicate problems IMMEDIATLEY instead of holding on to things formyears. People need to just be honest without all the BS excuses. If your not happy, let that be know and if there is no hope, let that be known too!!! Hate when people string things along
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Old 31st December 2018, 3:57 PM   #44
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Better days ahead

I believe VERY strongly you've done the right thing from the sound of it. I stayed way too long in just the situation you are describing. There are MUCH brighter days ahead. You should never stay with anyone that doesn't value and want you. My guess is you have lived without love for a long time and just didn't know. Your wife knew but didn't have the decency to tell you. Life is short. Way too short to spend it with someone that doesn't love you. While painful, you will find a way to move on and eventually one day will wonder why you feel different. It will be the happiness you haven't had in a long time. You've been missing something even if you didn't know it. It was the love of a good woman. In time, you'll find it again. There are LOTS of women who will value and love you. Don't let your wife's failures to know your value make you think she is correct. She's not.

Go slow. Very slow. Divorce as quickly as possible, be fair (50/50 - don't be a doormat and give up too much, but don't be greedy either). Then spend time on yourself and your kids. Get some new hobbies and/or rededicate yourself to ones you already have. Get in the gym. Then slowly but surely start dating. You will find out you are worth way more than your wife thought. Best wishes. There are some hard days ahead but also some great ones. Definitely better days ahead. Glad you are out of limbo. It is the worst possible place.
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Old 2nd January 2019, 7:19 AM   #45
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Hi Blind-Sided, so it is now the New Year and I guess you have just been through a very painful holiday season. What has been the follow up to your last post? What has been your parents reaction to your wife's ultimatum to you? Also what are you planning to do in the immediate future to move to a reasonable settlement of your issue? Answer only if you feel like it. Best wishes.
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