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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 21st December 2018, 1:08 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blind-Sided View Post
I thought I had a great marriage. I have been with my wife for 20 years, and married for 17. We have two kids, 12 and 7.
Blind-Sided, does your wife work? Have to admit, it's rare here to have a SAHM with young kids leave a marriage without a clear idea of where she wants to go. Yours may be the exception, but it seems as though it is eventually revealed she was interested in or involved with someone else.

Is there someone who's name has come up more frequently in conversation since this started? Perhaps even a newly single female friend? Does your wife go to the gym or have any other regular commitments?

Mr. Lucky
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Old 21st December 2018, 1:57 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blind-Sided View Post
Thanks for some of the quick replies.


Elaine: You have hit the nail on the head. Everything from the past has come up. I figured it was over and done... but she didn't. I don't hold grudges, and don't have the time for that. But all of that could have been solved if she would have just talked to me.


But what can be done now to show I'm not ready to call this quits?


Jamess1: Reading that was a little confusing... but I think I understand. I don't think there's another guy. She's really not that type, and honestly... she would have to go all the way back to high school for the "EX" that was more than just a couple dates. But who knows.






Anyway... I guess the hard part of this is... she is still being nice to me. (Doing laundry, making breakfast, and so on) But the second I try to hold her hand, she pulls away. If I say "I love you", it's met with silence, or at worst (to me) a random sound of acknowledgment. Then, the icing on the cake is the... "I don't know what I want, and need time".
She's cheating on you! Know that for sure!

You want her back? Stop caring.

Help pack her bag right after you move all money into your name only. Close all her credit cards.

Does she work?

Don't be one minute needy. After moving money give her a hundred bucks and her bag and tell her you've made the decision FOR her. She can find another place to live since she's so complacent about her feelings about the marriage.

Make sure she knows she is replaceable!

Check her phone bill.

Tell her she can go stay with her boyfriend (in a calm and uncaring voice).

Last edited by S2B; 21st December 2018 at 1:59 AM..
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Old 21st December 2018, 4:57 AM   #18
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Wrong

Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Maybe but I have known a lot of woman who have left long marriages for no-one but themselves.
Men often see everything through the eyes of sex. Many women especially older ones would be happy never to have sex ever again. some never want to have a man telling them what to do ever again...
Yes, she may be cheating but she may just be telling the truth.

"I kept her from the life she wanted" - it is not an uncommon complaint.
A woman always leaves her current relationship for another man or for the prospect getting another man. Research has shown this to be true, fundamentally speaking a woman is never single, there is always a man she interacting with at some level, maybe a guy she knows is interested enough to take her anytime she shows interest : a plan B.(or an orbiter). This is why women never want to stop all communication with their Exs permanently, even if she is not cheating : she rationalizes this as : '...we are just friends' or '..don't be jealous, nothing is going on', '...he is like a brother to me' but she knows her Exs want to fuuck her if they get half the chance...

Even hard-line feminists are dating /fuucking someone at sometime. No one leaves you to be single, no one, believing this stupid lie is the reason some men get angry when they realize their Ex wives moved on a few months after they got dumped.

You have been replaced already, now or on the near future, she is stringing you alone as she evaluates her prospect(s). This is called 'monkey branching' : she is letting go of you (the old branch), slowly as she gets hold of another new branch (the guy she is cheating with), that is why she gives you enough affection,attention, a little bit of hope, or mixed messages like you said
Quote:
...she is still being nice to me. (Doing laundry, making breakfast, and so on) But the second I try to hold her hand, she pulls away. If I say "I love you", it's met with silence, or at worst (to me) a random sound of acknowledgment. Then, the icing on the cake is the... "I don't know what I want, and need time".
There is nothing confusing about female behavior when understand the latent purpose of it : this all due to feminine hypergamy : and hypergamy is rooted on doubt : "What if the man I am leaving him for is not all that, what if I can't do better than him, will the other guy really leave his wife for me, what if he gets another woman and my affair partner doesn't keep his word"
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Old 21st December 2018, 5:00 AM   #19
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The same advice I told you - Listen to other men.

Quote:
Originally Posted by S2B View Post
She's cheating on you! Know that for sure!

You want her back? Stop caring.

Help pack her bag right after you move all money into your name only. Close all her credit cards.

Does she work?

Don't be one minute needy. After moving money give her a hundred bucks and her bag and tell her you've made the decision FOR her. She can find another place to live since she's so complacent about her feelings about the marriage.

Make sure she knows she is replaceable!

Check her phone bill.

Tell her she can go stay with her boyfriend (in a calm and uncaring voice).
Listen to other men..
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Old 21st December 2018, 5:23 AM   #20
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Correction

Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Maybe but I have known a lot of woman who have left long marriages for no-one but themselves.
Men often see everything through the eyes of sex. Many women especially older ones would be happy never to have sex ever again. some never want to have a man telling them what to do ever again...
"I kept her from the life she wanted" - it is not an uncommon complaint.
Another common type of spinning hamster

She will be happy to never have sex with you, this never implies all men, a silly excuse : she will fuuck that hot co-worker of hers on the first date. I have had affairs with married women who feverishly fuucked me, 3 times a day, but would starve their husbands of seks for months, even before the affair started. That's why the moment a woman doesn't want to have seks with you, she means seks with you, it is very specific, with another man she can be come feral : I have cheated with women who always denied their husbands anal seks, but did it with me the second time we slept together..

"I kept her from the life she wanted"

Translation : you kept me from having enthusiastic and validational seks with 'alpha' men I wanted to sleep with, because I was stuck with you, a 'beta' since I had to raise kids and start a family.

Quote:
She's really not that type, and honestly... she would have to go all the way back to high school for the "EX" that was more than just a couple dates. But who knows.
This is late-life hypergamy; if she married you very young, and never dated the seksy alpha bad boys,the hot basketball captain or football captain she is making up for missing out

You might have been an 'alpha' 20 years ago, but the way you failing to do what we advised you to do, is proof that you are now a 'beta'..
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Old 21st December 2018, 7:26 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blind-Sided
Because of the stories she is telling me, and what she has dug up from more than 10 years ago... I response was, "If it bothered you, why didn't you talk to me about it long ago"? Her response has either been "I was scared you would be mad" or "I tried, but you didn't listen"
Like what? The coffee table incident or other things? You need to understand what she perceives the problem to be in order to fix itÖif she still wants the marriage to be fixed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blind-Sided View Post
She hardly leaves the house, and when she does... I'm with her.
Why? Are you not allowing her to leave the house without you? This could be why she feels controlled by you. Does she not drive or have her own car?
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Old 21st December 2018, 7:33 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
I guess she means a career, maybe no kids, no domesticity, freedom, independence.
She probably feels her life has been for nothing, one long road full of kids and housework and boredom, with a man who shouts and controls her.
Kids growing up, soon won't need her and then where will she be?
I guess you going on a biz trip, fuelled her anger too. You are free, she is "trapped" at home...

kids and domesticity was actually her plan... but I can see the career thing.... I guess. Also... some independence I guess too.


Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
.....
Trouble is with fear, it doesn't need to be physical nor constant
It may just need one or two episodes to instil fear, once it is there it may be difficult to shift. That coffee table incident may have been enough...


I understand totally. Obviously something that is "Venting" in my head could be something very bad in hers. But here again... I think the coffee table thing was 11 years ago... and the last door I slammed (hard) has been more than 5 years ago. But in my defense on that... she's been known to slam a few too. Albeit, not very often.


Truth be told... we have only had a few major fights in all those years. (That's why I thought things were so good overall) I guess the issue here is, after the fight, and we've cooled off... I'm done with it... but it stayed with her. (even years later)

Quote:
Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
As I said I dont disagree....except for the small fact that women voice displeasure be if direct or passively. When you get hit by it all at once its most likely rewriting the history that usually only happens when another man is involved.

Blind-side, I've yet to meet a betrayed spouse who thought that their WOULD cheat. Almost all of us get shocked when finding out. Maybe she isn't, I would not bet money on that.


I understand... but I still just don't know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by divegrl View Post
Agree. Her behavior is highly indicative of a wayward spouse.

Take care my friend.


Thanks for the suport

Quote:
Originally Posted by gaius View Post
Sometimes with certain situations there are no right answers or a path to get what you want. You're not the determining factor about whether your wife is happy or not. And when someone's unhappy whether you're a good spouse, bad spouse, what mistakes you've made, what good you do, it really doesn't matter. You're just perceived as part of the problem.

That unfortunately is one of those situations where there are no right answers.

On that point... I think you are right... And I've thought about that myself. she will be turning 40 in a few days, and I think part of this is a mid-life crisis, or a break-down of some kind, which is why she doesn't know what she wants. But this "Cruel" side that she has thrown at me is something that I've never seen before, and that's what is making it hard to give her any time. She has a history of light depression, and when we were in collage, I know she was talking with a counselor/psychologist of some kind. I wish I could get her back to that.




To all: On the point of giving her time.... A couple times it's come up, but the way I see it is... since she is bringing up stuff from the beginning of our marriage... then she has been thinking about it all that time. Not to mention, she had at least a month since it's come out... and even the month before that when she was obviously just mad at the world. (Before it was focused on me)



Thanks for the help so far. It's been good to get some of this off my chest.
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Old 21st December 2018, 8:12 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Blind-Sided, does your wife work? Have to admit, it's rare here to have a SAHM with young kids leave a marriage without a clear idea of where she wants to go. Yours may be the exception, but it seems as though it is eventually revealed she was interested in or involved with someone else.

Is there someone who's name has come up more frequently in conversation since this started? Perhaps even a newly single female friend? Does your wife go to the gym or have any other regular commitments?

Mr. Lucky

Yes, she works. BUT... that's part of this I guess. After we got married, she was in a "Professional" position. After few years, we were talking about our first kid, and the cost of child care. I dad offered her a position in his company where she could do a bunch of data entry, and do it from the house. (Being able to take care of the kid) in the beginning, she was excited about that. Part of the "Now" argument is, she is the office manager, and the responsibility is high. We joke with clients that she is the one who actually runs the company, but maybe the truth is... the world is on her shoulders.


The company is doing well, so money isn't an issue.


She doesn't go to the gym or anywhere on a regular basis. Yes... there's almost a "Mom's" group in our neighborhood, and I have to tell her to go to their "Wine Nights" all the time. So, on that point, even though she says she feels controlled... I'm the one telling her to do stuff with her friends.


There is one female friend from collage that isn't "newly" single... but the truth of the story just came out recently. For the past few years, her husband has been strangely gone from things like facebook pics, and Xmas cards. To be 100% honest, I figured he came out of the closet. The new story is... he just didn't want to be married anymore. Unfortunately, this girl is a mutual friend... but she never liked when my wife and I started dating seriously, so I don't think she is on the side of defending the marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by S2B View Post
She's cheating on you! Know that for sure!

You want her back? Stop caring.

Help pack her bag right after you move all money into your name only. Close all her credit cards.

Does she work?

Don't be one minute needy. After moving money give her a hundred bucks and her bag and tell her you've made the decision FOR her. She can find another place to live since she's so complacent about her feelings about the marriage.

Make sure she knows she is replaceable!

Check her phone bill.

Tell her she can go stay with her boyfriend (in a calm and uncaring voice).



Some of that was answered above... but the 2 times now that I've made the situation "Real"... things backed down. (One morning I handed her my wedding ring, and walked away) She brought it back, and talked, and we had a few good days. But her lack of affection kills me, and makes it bad again. Also, I gave her the phone number of the agent who sold us our house, and said "If that's how you feel... then call her, and have her list the house." The was met with a back down too. Because of that... I feel that is hope... but when you hear "I don't love you" from the person you've been with so long... it's hard.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
Like what? The coffee table incident or other things? You need to understand what she perceives the problem to be in order to fix itÖif she still wants the marriage to be fixed.



Why? Are you not allowing her to leave the house without you? This could be why she feels controlled by you. Does she not drive or have her own car?


The table was really only brought up once. But she has pulled up everything from she felt forced to breast feed our fist kid (so, 12 years ago) to she felt rushed into the marriage (17 years ago, and she could have simply said no) to not liking her mom. (no defense on that, but her mom makes her cry too. She really isn't a nice person) After a few deep conversations... I really feel like the target of all of what she perceives is wrong in her life. (and not the single problem)


As I think I said above... I tell her to go do things, and I tell her to get a hobby. So no... she is not restricted in ANY way. But if I'm home, and she wants to go out to run some normal errands... then I like to be with her. (is it strange that I like to be with my wife?) Also, yes... she drives, and has a very nice, upper level SUV that is only 6 months old. I lease her cars/trucks/SUV's, so she gets a new one every few years, and she gets to pick out what she wants. Heck... the last 3 or 4 cars she's had... I don't even test drive them... I make her do it so she knows if she likes them. My only requirement is that it's AWD or 4WD since we live in a snow state.






To All: since it's such a blanket issue right now, without a pin point problem... I've have, point-blank asked what will make her happy? (new job, travel, vacation, so-on) She says "I don't know". I've even come back and said... if we spate, and you rip our lives apart... the good parts of this life will be gone... so how can that make you happy? She also says... "I don't know".
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Old 21st December 2018, 9:39 AM   #24
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A few more things have come to mind....


I have looked at her email, and checked the backside of her phone. I can get into both accounts from my computer. I also checked her phone directly when she was showering a few weeks ago. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary.


In all the years together... we have never had a fight so bad that names were called, or feelings hurt in a spiteful manner. We have never had a time that we didn't talk after a fight, and no one has slept on the couch. SO... there's never been a single fight that turned into a "Hollywood" or "In the Dog house" kind of fight. This is also why I was blind sided. in 20 years, this is the fist time that it was out of the blue. Because of that, I've asked if there was a single thing that tripped this. Her answer was "I've just been thinking of things lately."


Over the years... our love life really hasn't changed. I'm not saying it's stagnant... but it wasn't more, or less than normal.


Before this situation... there wasn't even a fight. As I was saying in my first post... a blow-up did bring it out. But the blow up happened because she was already mad at the world. Basically... I was on edge because she was being upset. I hit the back of her foot with a shopping cart, and while I was getting ready to apologize, she threw me a look as to say "i'm going to kill you". So... what came out of my mouth was... "Lose the attitude." Since I'm not the kind of person to be crazy in a store... Once in the car I said... "What the heck is wrong with you?" (in a very mad voice) From there... it started to come out... and it almost got to the point where I was going to pull over and get out of the car. It's a bit of a blur at the moment, but I think that's the fist time I heard "I have no feelings for you, and I fear for my life around you". (or something like that) It was just a knife in my heart. But she told me to not get out. (If she really was in fear, then why would she want me to stay?)
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Old 21st December 2018, 9:47 AM   #25
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Before you analyze your situation to death, just check her cell records. We have a Wayward wife posting right now that has allowed her husband to blame himself for the issues in their marriage while she has been cheating for two decades.

Protect yourself. Even the nice stuff doesn't mean much, my wife was nicer during her affair, she now says it was in part guilt and the other part to keep me off her trail.
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Old 21st December 2018, 10:32 AM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
Before you analyze your situation to death, just check her cell records. We have a Wayward wife posting right now that has allowed her husband to blame himself for the issues in their marriage while she has been cheating for two decades.

Protect yourself. Even the nice stuff doesn't mean much, my wife was nicer during her affair, she now says it was in part guilt and the other part to keep me off her trail.


I have made it very clear that the only thing I can not recover from (or reconcile) is a cheating wife. I had a girlfriend of 5 years in my early 20's who did that to me... and that's what ended my brother's marriage. I also told her if that's the case... then she will get nothing from me or my family. I know that scares her since she works for my family, and if there is a divorce on those grounds, she won't even have a job.


Right now... if she finally opens up to me of the real problem, and doesn't force me into making the choice of a divorce (for my mental well being) or she at least gives the opportunity of fixing things... if there really is a problem... She will at least have the time to find her own way.




Last night while talking... since she can't give me an answer on why... I basically said... "If the problems go back that far... and you didn't want to talk and fix them along the way... why would you waste 20 years of my life?" Then after a few minutes... I turned to her and said... "Better yet... why would you waste 20 years of your own life?"
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Old 21st December 2018, 12:20 PM   #27
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Hi!

Has anyone mentioned the 180 theory yet? Regardless of if there is someone else, please do not internalize her actions. Focus on yourself right now.

When someone wants to leave a relationship, they will justify their actions by rewriting the history. This is very common due to cognitive dissonance.

Have a beautiful day my friend.
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Old 21st December 2018, 1:09 PM   #28
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Hi!

Has anyone mentioned the 180 theory yet? ...............

Have a beautiful day my friend.


No... I haven't heard that one. (new to this, sorry)


And thanks for the input.
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Old 21st December 2018, 1:36 PM   #29
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OP, women with minor children seldom leave marriages to go off on their own unless.

1. 3rd party involvement by either
2. Mental illness by either.
3. Substance abuse by either.
4. Verbal or physical abuse by you.
5. Marital abandonment by you...ie too much xbox, fishing, buddies...whatever.

I would say 90% it is #1....absent that, pick your poison. I mean we are all human, so there are no absolutes, but you would be a rare, rare case if it wasn't one of those. Start digging...I would start digging with that mom club...somebody knows something.
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Old 21st December 2018, 2:55 PM   #30
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OP have you gained weight by any chance? Or look different than in the past?


Maybe you just have to get back into shape.



Anyways, ask her if she still wants to be with you and tell her to give you an honest answer.


At the moment it seems neither of you are happy in this marriage. If she continues to act like this, would there be any point of staying?


If things don't work out and you two divorce at least you can find another person who loves you.
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