Ex-wife wants to relocate with kids

[way_lander]

I've been divorced 2 years, and things have settled down to a routine with my ex regarding the kids. We have 2, elder girl is 7 years old, the younger boy is 5.

 

Certain days of the week i will spend time with them and have dinner, and bring them out before bring them back to their mum at night. 2 days a week they will stay over with me. I've gotten an apartment near them to facilitate this, just a 10 min drive away.

 

And suddenly, my ex dropped a bombshell on me today. Shes planning to relocate next year to another country for 2 years for a job. Its a 2 hours flight away, and shes planning to take the kids with her. Everything is different there. Foreign language, culture, social, safety.

 

The kids already have a routine here. They are enrolled in good schools, with many caretakers in both sides of grandparents and myself. They are in a very safe environment where I don't have to worry about their safety everyday.

 

The new place is definitely less safe than where they are at now. She says they will be attending an international school, with their living quarters very near to the school, and that she's going to be with them 24/7.

 

Besides the fact that the kids have to be uprooted at such a young age, going to a foreign land with foreign language, my time with them is going to be impacted greatly.

 

While she says that I can fly over and the kids will come back from time to time, how often can I fly and how often can they fly? I have work and they have school. Even if I fly every week, I treasure the times that we can have, simple casual lazing around time at home, which can never be accomplished if i'm staying at a hotel there visiting. Just hanging around watching cartoons together now seems like it will be gone forever.

 

I'll never be as up to date with them anymore. What cartoons do they watch, whats their homework like, what do they like to do now etc, and that feeling is heart wrenching. I'm staying alone when they're not with me and the place is truly going to be a very lonely place if they're not coming by anymore.

 

I have considered legally forbidding her to bring them over, but she has care and control. And it seems the law will favour her as long as she proves that their well being, education etc is taken care of. I'm in the dilemma that if I go hard on her using the law and i fail, i will definitely lose the kids more than ever.

 

So please balance me out. Should I try to stop her? If not how do i make the best of the situation?

 

I have a very close relationship with my daughter, and she has said her only concern with moving over is me. My son is 5, and hes too young to understand the implications, and I fear losing him forever coz of lack of time spent together.

 

If you have any experience with this, please share with me. I feel like i'm losing my motivation in life. The kids are the only thing i look forward to every week. Without them, it'll be an empty house that i come back to everyday, and possibly only see them for a few days every few weeks.

[Marc878]

I've been divorced 2 years, and things have settled down to a routine with my ex regarding the kids. We have 2, elder girl is 7 years old, the younger boy is 5.

 

Certain days of the week i will spend time with them and have dinner, and bring them out before bring them back to their mum at night. 2 days a week they will stay over with me. I've gotten an apartment near them to facilitate this, just a 10 min drive away.

 

And suddenly, my ex dropped a bombshell on me today. Shes planning to relocate next year to another country for 2 years for a job. Its a 2 hours flight away, and shes planning to take the kids with her. Everything is different there. Foreign language, culture, social, safety.

 

The kids already have a routine here. They are enrolled in good schools, with many caretakers in both sides of grandparents and myself. They are in a very safe environment where I don't have to worry about their safety everyday.

 

The new place is definitely less safe than where they are at now. She says they will be attending an international school, with their living quarters very near to the school, and that she's going to be with them 24/7.

 

Besides the fact that the kids have to be uprooted at such a young age, going to a foreign land with foreign language, my time with them is going to be impacted greatly.

 

While she says that I can fly over and the kids will come back from time to time, how often can I fly and how often can they fly? I have work and they have school. Even if I fly every week, I treasure the times that we can have, simple casual lazing around time at home, which can never be accomplished if i'm staying at a hotel there visiting. Just hanging around watching cartoons together now seems like it will be gone forever.

 

I'll never be as up to date with them anymore. What cartoons do they watch, whats their homework like, what do they like to do now etc, and that feeling is heart wrenching. I'm staying alone when they're not with me and the place is truly going to be a very lonely place if they're not coming by anymore.

 

I have considered legally forbidding her to bring them over, but she has care and control. And it seems the law will favour her as long as she proves that their well being, education etc is taken care of. I'm in the dilemma that if I go hard on her using the law and i fail, i will definitely lose the kids more than ever.

 

So please balance me out. Should I try to stop her? If not how do i make the best of the situation?

 

I have a very close relationship with my daughter, and she has said her only concern with moving over is me. My son is 5, and hes too young to understand the implications, and I fear losing him forever coz of lack of time spent together.

 

If you have any experience with this, please share with me. I feel like i'm losing my motivation in life. The kids are the only thing i look forward to every week. Without them, it'll be an empty house that i come back to everyday, and possibly only see them for a few days every few weeks.

 

Se a good attorney now. She can't take your kids anywhere without your permission. Depending on which country you live in.

[Rockdad]

That is exactly why you specifically state in your divorce agreement just how far the kids can be relocated. I can respect a differing opinion than my own, I would have already lit a fire under my Atty to slam the brakes on this.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have considered legally forbidding her to bring them over, but she has care and control. And it seems the law will favour her as long as she proves that their well being, education etc is taken care of.

 

Asking strangers on the Internet for legal advice, bad idea.

 

Picking a forum where most of the responses will come from other countries, worse idea.

 

Get a good lawyer (solicitor?), expensive but well worth it, and fight tooth and nail. I'll bet you can guess at her reaction were you to propose taking the kids and doing the same thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[norudder]

I hope you can prove their well being is best served staying where they are. Routine and consistency of support network should be taken into consideration by the court. Definitely worth paying for good legal representation asap. Good luck!

[PegNosePete]

Se a good attorney now.

I can't stress how important this is. You need professional legal assistance NOW. You need to tell a lawyer everything you wrote here, and ask how you can prevent her moving away with your kids!

 

There is a time where the softly softly approach will work and there is a time when you need to play hardball and say NO that is not acceptable, and for the sake of the kids future wellbeing I will make sure it doesn't happen, even if it makes me look like the bad guy.

 

Your ex says it is for 2 years but what if she decides after 2 years not to come back?

 

Almost every court in almost every country in the world believes it is in the children's best interest to have regular contact with both parents. Therefore unless there is a really, really good reason your ex wants to move abroad - so good a reason that it trumps the benefits of them having contact with their father - then a court will not allow it.

 

Don't try to DIY this one. You need to get it right first time. This is not the time to scrimp and save on lawyer fees. You could end up regretting it for the rest of your life.

[way_lander]

I can't stress how important this is. You need professional legal assistance NOW. You need to tell a lawyer everything you wrote here, and ask how you can prevent her moving away with your kids!

 

There is a time where the softly softly approach will work and there is a time when you need to play hardball and say NO that is not acceptable, and for the sake of the kids future wellbeing I will make sure it doesn't happen, even if it makes me look like the bad guy.

 

Your ex says it is for 2 years but what if she decides after 2 years not to come back?

 

Almost every court in almost every country in the world believes it is in the children's best interest to have regular contact with both parents. Therefore unless there is a really, really good reason your ex wants to move abroad - so good a reason that it trumps the benefits of them having contact with their father - then a court will not allow it.

 

Don't try to DIY this one. You need to get it right first time. This is not the time to scrimp and save on lawyer fees. You could end up regretting it for the rest of your life.

 

Thank you. I'm always hesitant on taking the hard stance but your post makes me realise that "softly" may not always work.

 

There is one debatable "good" point that my ex keep driving across. They will be given free education in an established international school. I cannot deny that this may be beneficial to the kids in the long term. This is why my mind is in 2 place about this.

 

While the school that the kids are in is a good one in my country, the exposure they will get in an international school is sth they will never get.

 

But of coz, the whole package comes with the lesser safety of the place, the foreign land and language and being uprooted at such a young age has its impact etc.

 

What would you do?

 

Having said that, i have taken all your advice and arranged to speak with a lawyer later today to see my options of stopping her. Esp coz she made this decision without consulting me, thats a major sore point.

[littleblackheart]

Well, you can't stop her from relocating - all you do is stop her from taking the kids (ie ask for full custody) or set out strict conditions (visits, contact, etc).

 

As far as your kids attending an international school, these places are normally super safe for expats. 7 and 5 are great ages to get immersed in a new culture / learn a new language.

 

In case you were feeling guilty for not 'fighting for them' (ie if you decide to let them go), just know that this set up is the new normal - quite a few of my students across the years have been bi-nationals whose parents live in different countries, and they seem perfectly well adjusted.

 

With that said, it's ok to be a bit selfish too. You are their father, you want to see them as much as possible, you are clearly very invested in their lives so if you don't want them to go, don't feel bad for that either! You have every right to not want to miss out on them growing up.

 

This doesn't need to be an all-out war between you and their mother - you just need to do what's right for you all (you included!) in good conscience without the fear of being judged one way or the other.

 

Also, she's not actually allowed to take them out of the country for over a month without your consent so she doesn't have all the care and and control; you have equal parental rights.

[BaileyB]

There is one debatable "good" point that my ex keep driving across. They will be given free education in an established international school. I cannot deny that this may be beneficial to the kids in the long term. This is why my mind is in 2 place about this.

 

While the school that the kids are in is a good one in my country, the exposure they will get in an international school is sth they will never get.

 

But of coz, the whole package comes with the lesser safety of the place, the foreign land and language and being uprooted at such a young age has its impact etc.

 

What would you do?

 

What would I do? I would fight her tooth and nail. There is absolutely no way that my ex-wife would take my children and move out of country for 2 years. Most definitely if they are moving to a location that is not as safe, where they do not know the language, and I will not see them... No way, No how.

 

She is trying to distract you from the issue by selling the benefit of the “international school.” IMHO, children need the regular presence of a father in their lives much more than they need an “international school.”

 

Please let us know what the lawyer says. Glad you made an appointment.

Edited November 22, 2018 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

There is one debatable "good" point that my ex keep driving across. They will be given free education in an established international school. I cannot deny that this may be beneficial to the kids in the long term. This is why my mind is in 2 place about this.

 

While the school that the kids are in is a good one in my country, the exposure they will get in an international school is sth they will never get.

 

You simply won't have the same bond with them when they return. At that age, two years is a big part of their life. When possible, kids need the full-time involvement of both parents...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PegNosePete]

What would I do? I would fight her tooth and nail. There is absolutely no way that my ex-wife would take my children and move out of country for 2 years. Most definitely if they are moving to a location that is not as safe, where they do not know the language, and I will not see them... No way, No how.

 

She is trying to distract you from the issue by selling the benefit of the “international school.” IMHO, children need the regular presence of a father in their lives much more than they need an “international school.”

Yep, exactly that.

 

As well as a lawyer there are many separated fathers rights organisations such as "Families Need Fathers" or the equivalent in your country, who may be able to offer you help and advice. But the first step is to take a hard line approach with the legal system. I am guessing that she sees you as a soft touch, that she thinks she can talk you into anything she wants. You should hit her back with a good dose of shock and awe! Don't be mean or vindictive, but say NO, and put in place the legal mechanisms to prevent this move, which is NOT in the interest of the kids.