bigpat7676 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 So Ill start from the beginning. Last year I didnt have sex with my wife for an entire year due to her being 325 pounds. When I met her she was 160 pounds. I have been married to her for 13 years and together for 20. Being that she tried diet and exercising she turned to Gastric Bypass. During her time of trying diet and exercise she never fully committed and therefore never go the results she desired. She tried lap band at one time and lost 50 pounds only to gain it all back and more. At 325 pounds it was her highest weight. I actually turned to pornography at this time and eventually came clean about it to her on my own. On 6/2/18 she gave me her rings back. On 8/24/18 I found out she was having an emotional affair with her boss. Keep in mind her boss is also married with 3 kids and is supposedly going through a divorce/separation as well, at least he tells her that. He has told her his wife only lives in the house because of financial reasons. At this time she is now 180 pounds (started the weight loss journey 1/18). She tried to tell me it was just harmless flirting, but is has since escalated to her essentially falling in love with him although she "hasnt yet admitted it" I know all of this because I record her in the house and in the car when she either talks to her friends and /or her mother in law. The mother in law lives with us for the last 2.5 years. She claims she hasnt cheated on me because it hasnt turned physical. I know its leading down this path because she has told me in anger that "she is going to **** him" She also has searched for crotchless lingerie online and searched for becoming a dominatrix. She has only done this because he told her he likes to do bondage. Again I found out by looking at her phone and email. Meanwhile her mom got mad at me for looking at her phone and bought her a burner phone for her to call him and text him. I also have her saying to her mom on audio that "she is signing up to be the side chick". She seemed okay with this and actually was laughing and had a cheerful like attitude about it. She is now leaving in 17 days and I feel like she will never come back and I am her safety net in case it doesnt work. Her friend told her I am a loser and she didnt correct her. She said I had 20 years to get the relationship right and my wife deserves more. She told me she doesnt have feelings on being in love with me anymore. Meanwhile she is always asking where I am going when I leave the house. I have started to work out, go to church and just be social. She doesnt seem to like this. This is the short story. I left a lot out. Please ask questions. Do I let her go and see where it leads? Do I divorce her now? Later? Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 @ 325 lbs I wouldn’t have touched her either. Inform her other mans wife without warning of the affair. She is and has been cheating. You MIL is about as low class as your wife. File for D and dont look back. You wasted to much of you life on this as it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 What do you want? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 @ 325 lbs I wouldn’t have touched her either. Inform her other mans wife without warning of the affair. She is and has been cheating. You MIL is about as low class as your wife. File for D and dont look back. You wasted to much of you life on this as it is. Strongly seconded on all accounts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigpat7676 Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 @ 325 lbs I wouldn’t have touched her either. Inform her other mans wife without warning of the affair. She is and has been cheating. You MIL is about as low class as your wife. File for D and dont look back. You wasted to much of you life on this as it is. whats MIL mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigpat7676 Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 What do you want? Id like to have my marriage back, but not sure how that works right now Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigpat7676 Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 One other thing Id like to mention is I need to buy her out of the house because she is on the deed. Thats going to cost me about 20 grand. She is going to struggle financially on her own (mom is moving in with her to an apt). I want to postpone the divorce until around April 2018 so she can struggle for a while. I dont want to give her 20 grand to start her off on the right foot. Spiteful, yes. The right decision, Im not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Id like to have my marriage back, but not sure how that works right now You have to be willing to lose it to save it friend. Exposing the affair to POSOM's wife (Other man's wife) is best chance to end the A, and filing for D lets her know you will not stand this and are strong. Do try your best to be civil and kind, but most of all be strong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 One other thing Id like to mention is I need to buy her out of the house because she is on the deed. Thats going to cost me about 20 grand. She is going to struggle financially on her own (mom is moving in with her to an apt). I want to postpone the divorce until around April 2018 so she can struggle for a while. I dont want to give her 20 grand to start her off on the right foot. Spiteful, yes. The right decision, Im not sure. Do not postpone due to this. Get your lawyer to draw up docs, don't give away anything you don't want to, but let it be reasonable and fair. As the debt and split comes out, you may not have to pay anything, especially if house is sold (may end up short sale) the important thing is to be able to show the wheels of reality and repercussions spinning. Or at least schedule a divorce mediator session to begin showing action. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigpat7676 Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 You have to be willing to lose it to save it friend. Exposing the affair to POSOM's wife (Other man's wife) is best chance to end the A, and filing for D lets her know you will not stand this and are strong. Do try your best to be civil and kind, but most of all be strong. Thanks, she tells me its not about the other guy. Its about me not respecting her and the relationship as far as not having sex with her and turning to porn. She says I checked out of the realtionship and she was just following my lead. Says she never had any intention of cheating on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 If you expose the A and it blows up you may not even have to go further than some mediation sessions. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Thanks, she tells me its not about the other guy. Its about me not respecting her and the relationship as far as not having sex with her and turning to porn. She says I checked out of the realtionship and she was just following my lead. Says she never had any intention of cheating on me. That is just cheaterspeak and justification, she is in the fog. Believe nothing she says and judge carefully how she acts. There may have been problems but the affair and decision to have it is on her, NOT YOU. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 (edited) Id like to have my marriage back, but not sure how that works right now Then the affair has to end. Exposing to the other man's wife may be your only option now looking at how your wife is rubbing her affair in your face. Expect to be lashed out at, it may take a while for reality to set in for your wife. Then you can think about marriage counseling. If that doesn't work, then you could consider your marriage done for good. You would be wise in consulting an attourney asap, just in case things go south. Also get some individual counseling if you can afford it. Stay strong. One other thing Id like to mention is I need to buy her out of the house because she is on the deed. Thats going to cost me about 20 grand. She is going to struggle financially on her own (mom is moving in with her to an apt). I want to postpone the divorce until around April 2018 so she can struggle for a while. I dont want to give her 20 grand to start her off on the right foot. Spiteful, yes. The right decision, Im not sure. Edit: Forgot to ask if you have kids. Is your wife employed? Again, don't do anything before consulting an atourney. Edited November 9, 2018 by WomenWubber 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigpat7676 Posted November 9, 2018 Author Share Posted November 9, 2018 Then the affair has to end. Exposing to the other man's wife may be your only option now looking at how your wife is rubbing her affair in your face. Expect to be lashed out at, it may take a while for reality to set in for your wife. Then you can think about marriage counseling. If that doesn't work, then you could consider your marriage done for good. You would be wise in consulting an attourney asap, just in case things go south. Also get some individual counseling if you can afford it. Stay strong. Edit: Forgot to ask if you have kids. Is your wife employed? Again, don't do anything before consulting an atourney. No kids, wife has a full time and part time job Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 I think saving the marriage would be an uphill battle, but if you can get her to go to marriage counseling it's worth a shot since you say you want to save it. If you do decide to divorce you might be able to do so immediately but have an agreement about the house that can delay when you have to pay her, especially if you have a mortgage. When I divorced I stayed in the house and took over complete responsibility for mortgage payments and upkeep. The Divorce Decree stated I had 18 months to either refinance the mortgage in my name only or put the house up for sale and pay it off. He signed a quit claim deed removing his ownership rights. But we had a fairly amicable divorce and my xH wanted to immediately remove any responsibility he had for paying the mortgage or house maintenance. You could maybe try some kind of trade off on personal property though to sweeten the deal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 This sounds as if you’re wanting her to struggle so that she’ll come back to you....please..... With a mother in law helping your wife deceive you and with a wife who is already cheating on you.....do you really want someone like that staying with you just because of financial assistance? You’re avoiding the obvious....she’s not worth the time or energy, in my opinion....you should offer her a moving allowance and if the “you didn’t have sex wth me when i was heavy, just reply, you allowed yourself to get that way and never really comitted to shedding the weight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 whats MIL mean? Mother in law Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Thanks, she tells me its not about the other guy. Its about me not respecting her and the relationship as far as not having sex with her and turning to porn. She says I checked out of the realtionship and she was just following my lead. Says she never had any intention of cheating on me. Quit being naive. Cheaters lie a lot and will rewrite marital history to justify their unjustified actions Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 I think saving the marriage would be an uphill battle, but if you can get her to go to marriage counseling it's worth a shot since you say you want to save it. If you do decide to divorce you might be able to do so immediately but have an agreement about the house that can delay when you have to pay her, especially if you have a mortgage. When I divorced I stayed in the house and took over complete responsibility for mortgage payments and upkeep. The Divorce Decree stated I had 18 months to either refinance the mortgage in my name only or put the house up for sale and pay it off. He signed a quit claim deed removing his ownership rights. But we had a fairly amicable divorce and my xH wanted to immediately remove any responsibility he had for paying the mortgage or house maintenance. You could maybe try some kind of trade off on personal property though to sweeten the deal. Marriage counselors are notorious rugsweepers and totally worthless when there is an active affair going on. At this time a waste of time and money Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 This hardly constitutes an affair. She gave her rings back months ago and wants you gone. And there's no reason to think the guy she's moved on with has any connection to his estranged wife either. He apparently doesn't have an issue with her size, so good luck to them. She shouldn't have to be faithful to you if she's already told you that she wants you gone and you won't leave. Time to see a lawyer and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Why would she want to keep someone who only cares about her when she's at her optimum weight? There's more to a relationship than skinny sex. I'm sure she's very hurt you don't care about her except for sex and only when she's thin. Even if sex went away, there ought to be love left over. Women want to be loved, not just desired. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 If she has given her rings back, that is a sure sign that she is done with the marriage. I'm sorry. At this point, there is nothing left to save. I personally would not wait 17 days for her to leave. I would pack her a bag and ask her to leave tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 9, 2018 Share Posted November 9, 2018 Why would she want to keep someone who only cares about her when she's at her optimum weight? There's more to a relationship than skinny sex. I'm sure she's very hurt you don't care about her except for sex and only when she's thin. Even if sex went away, there ought to be love left over. Women want to be loved, not just desired. @ 325 lbs you don't even love yourself. How would you expect someone else to? Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 Sounds like to me you're OK with being her backup plan if things fall through. You're better than that. The only advice I'll give is an example of what I did. I let my XWW know, once she leaves, that's it, there's no coming back. She left, now my life is better than ever. Cheers mate. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 10, 2018 Share Posted November 10, 2018 @ 325 lbs you don't even love yourself. How would you expect someone else to? Apparently her new love interest has no problems with it. And he's far from the only guy who's attracted to a big woman. Link to post Share on other sites
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