How to accept it's over?

[Insoc]

My Wife of 10 years created an IG page with lot's of pictures 6 months ago or so, since this started she has been getting contacted by a lot of creepy people and scammers posing as celebrities, mainly famous actors. Appears she went on this crusade around 3 months ago, was talking to several posers who were messaging her acting like the real celebrities, many never pursued her except for the last one.

 

Several weeks ago I found out about it while looking on our shared computer and seeing Google Hangouts being used a lot, which she never used. I looked at the browser history and saw what she was up to when I wasn't home. I also found some letters laying around the bedroom in a chest, e-mails printed out and communication with this person who was using a famous actors name and pictures from IG, then several sexually graphic letters she wrote about making love to the actor in question.

 

Immediatley my stomach turned, she was putting on an act for months, though our marriage had some bumps in the road and hard times, she never gave me the impression she would fall for a Romance Scammer, likely from Nigeria I knew it wasn't real after reading the evidence she poorly hid from attention, almost felt like she wanted me to see it to create some jealousy and or improve our sex life, but that's not how it went.

 

I confronted her about it, I said what's going on and what are you doing, it got heated and she just flipped a switch and went from my loyal companion and soulmate to Linda Blair possessed in The Exorcist. She had zero compassion or feeling of wrong doing, no empathy or care. I was/am very hurt, while I tried to talk to her, I did get mad and said things, so she said the D word and I said okay then, you know when your mad/hurt, how you react is sometimes not the most logical. I think what lead me to it, was sitting there listening to her lie to me, she has a bad habit of lying a lot and this was really bad.

 

As I dug more into the evidence and when the days progressed, I knew she was in danger financially, luckily our accounts are separate nothing is shared, I saw notes laying around with $ amounts to be sent for donations, buying gift cards, she opened several bank accounts, I tried so hard to talk to her about what she was doing and whom she was talking to was not who they said they were, I saw some chat logs and they were full of the word love and I never met anyone like you and love you so much, nothing I read represented the person I knew and trusted for years, also really hurt that she would would confide in someone like this and be so stupid and fall for obvious red flag after red flag.

 

The problem is I still love her, but she said she doesn't love me anymore, she hasn't showed much emotion or cried much, but it appears there are days where it hits her, it's like she is living in a fantasy and cannot escape it.

 

I have tried contacting the FBI and Police, none of which said there is anything I can do, she has to file a complaint that she lost money in order to have them create a case. I told them there is more to it, that our marriage is being forced into divorce over a Romance Scammer a fraud, I said if it was a real man I would be more accepting, but it's not real. Divorce will also put great strain our our finances and set us both back for years.

 

I filed for divorce against my wishes, because my Wife was pushing me, it was a very hard thing to do. Due to the laws in my state, this wont' happen overnight, so we are still living together, trying to get along but she is still chatting with this scammer while I sit in the other room, I can hear her typing away. She has went to great lengths now to hide any evidence, changed all her passwords and also carries her phone with her at all times. She also sits on the sofa and chats with the scammer when I'm in the other room in the evenings and takes her phone to bed, we are sleeping in different rooms now.

 

Also believe she has spoken with the scammer on the phone, but she is very tight lipped on information and telling me anything, I asked her flat out "How do you know it's this person" she said "I don't know?", I was like okay, must be very good at imitating the actor's voice to make you believe it was truly him. Also a few times she was chatting via hangouts with the scammer when the actual actor was on live tv at an awards show or at some sporting event, I said look there is the guy your talking to and it doesn't look like he is on his phone talking to you. Nothing set-in, it was like nothing was there.

 

This is only the tip of the iceberg on my story, but what I'm having a very difficuit time doing is letting her go and let her fail, I know at some point after she moves out and get's her own place and support, the Scammer will empty out her account, I just don't know when. I know my wife is disclosing info on our divorce which is further allowing the scammer to manipulate and brainwash her further. It sickens me beyond words here

As much as my Wife hurt me, lied to be and did some damaging things, I carry guilt for being the reason, did I not show enough love or romance, was I weak on intimacy? It this why she searched out this fantasy? To fill the void, but became to trapped in it to realize it was fake?

 

I am between a rock and a hardplace, I have told my wife there is time to think about it, but I don't think her heart is in it, it seems she has two personalities, one that is nice to me and the other which threw me to the side and put all effort on this romance scammer posing as a celebrity, she thinks in her head that she is really talking to him and will be living with him at some point, when he leaves his long term, beautiful wife, family and career that most people dream of having, yep he will throw it all away for nothing.

 

I have envisioned myself alone without her, maybe or maybe not living in the same area, I may leave she has shown concern for that comment. She is trying to find a place to live, but there is no date when she will leave. I have been flipping back and forth from it's over to maybe there's a chance, not withstanding any 2nd chance would require months of counseling and for me to earn my trust back for her, because now I do not trust her at all one bit.

 

Am I crazy? Should I just let her go, let her fail and expect a call down the road with her crying her eyes out on the other end about how she lost all her money and she should have listened to me afterall?

 

I keepy trying, but maybe it's time for me to realize I cannot fix this and need to move on with my life, the financial implications are daunting to say the lease, we are in our early 50's, no kids which will make it easier. I just feel she may hurt herself after she finds out the truth, she is already realizing the standard of living will change for both of us, what we were use to, will be no more for the considerable future.

Edited October 29, 2018 by Insoc

[PegNosePete]

Should I just let her go, let her fail

You have done everything you can to stop this happening. You can lead her to water but you can't make her drink. Yes, now that you've done everything humanly possible to show her that she's being taken for a ride, you have to let her make her own decisions.

 

and expect a call down the road with her crying her eyes out on the other end about how she lost all her money and she should have listened to me afterall?

Yes, maybe. And if you do get that call, you say yes you should have listened, and hang up. She has shown that she has no interest in being your wife any more. If she wants to be single then she has to accept the consequences of that, and that means you are not her safety net.

 

the financial implications are daunting

Yes, they certainly are! Do you have a lawyer? If not then you need to get one ASAP. If you do then you need to make sure that her financial decisions don't impact on your future. You say you have separate finances but you're married which means all assets are marital property, and if she spends/donates all hers, she will have a claim against yours. You need to act NOW to protect your assets.

[GinON]

This is really sad but I think you have to do your best to move away as soon as possible. This sounds really toxic to me.

Your wife has been lying to you and for whatever reason has been unhappy with what she got out of your marriage. She was unable to communicate her needs or you were unable to provide them but now she is burning down your home to make her point.

[PegNosePete]

One more point. You have proved to your wife that this person pretending to be a celebrity is certainly not who she "thinks" he is, and she is refusing against all logic to believe it. This seems suspicious to me...

 

It would lead me to believe that she isn't really being fooled, but that she is fooling you. That this celebrity profile is simply a cover for her affair partner, and she is playing dumb. What's more she may be sending him money in order to hide it from the divorce settlement, ie. "I've got no money, I need half of my husband's to survive".

 

You should DEFINITELY see a lawyer ASAP if you haven't already.

[Agent1]

Yep, when I confronted my wife about things I found it went from 0 to 2000 real quick. Lies, gaslighting, “you’re crazy”, denial and everything in between. Typical cheater behavior.

 

It’s so obvious she is being catfished and scammed. It’s crazy that she can’t she it but she’s so caught up in her fantasy. I know it’s hard to see your wife doing thru that but I don’t think there’s anything you can do right now. She is sooo caught up and you are just an inconvenience to her.

 

I would have made her file for divorce and pay for it. She wants it, so why would you agree to that?

 

I’m sorry you’re doing thru this, it’s painful as all h*ll. You have to start setting boundaries (as if I’m one to talk, I let my wife walk all over me but not anymore)

[Agent1]

I also want to know who this “actor” is :laugh:

[preraph]

Just saw a Dr. Phil episode on this very thing. These women get real carried away and want to believe some celeb is in love with them and then the guy in Nigeria takes all their money.

 

So you keep that attorney protecting your assets. I mean, what if she runs through hers and then gets half of yours in the divorce, so you need to be very careful here. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Also, many of those type schemes are money laundering schemes and they could come after you (the feds) since you're married. So get a good attorney and sever the relationship asap. I would think the Feds would be looking into this, but I know money loss is how they decide what to pursue on internet fraud. Trouble is, they may already be investigating the people doing this to her and she'll get caught up in it. She must not be accepting money and then sending money for them!

[Marc878]

Why would you want to tie yourself to someone that ignorant?

[preraph]

It's an emotional problem. Not ignorance. People lose meaning and excitement in their lives. They want to live the dream and some let it override logic.

[Normm]

, luckily our accounts are separate nothing is shared

 

 

Unfortunately in most cases even though the accounts may be in your own separate names, it will still be considered joint marital property if they were funded during the marriage. So if she loses all of her money she still may get half of yours. At least up until the date of the divorce filing. You might have a case if she "wasted marital assets".

[vla1120]

I don't understand how anyone can fall for these celebrity romance scams. Do they REALLY think Bruce Springsteen needs money to be wired to him? Honestly, I could not stand to be with someone that gullible. Even if you have kept your finances separate, your finances will be in danger when her "celebrity" lover has wiped out her accounts. You really need to talk to your lawyer about protecting your assets from her, as soon as possible. If it helps you deal with the emotional stress of the situation, get ANGRY! I know I would be spitting nails!

[Marc878]

It's an emotional problem. Not ignorance. People lose meaning and excitement in their lives. They want to live the dream and some let it override logic.

 

Like I said pure ignorance.

[Arris]

Whether or not you guys work on your marriage is up to you, only you know her best at this point. I'm just not one to give good advice beyond that in this case.

 

 

After protecting myself, I would absolutely try to keep her from losing everything or possibly meeting up and something bad happening.

Let her family or close friends know what's happening, she may need all the help she can get.

 

 

If she really is being scammed and it's not a cover up like Pete maybe suggested, then I'm sure you'd feel better doing what's right. I'm truly sorry for the pain though. Prepare yourself for anything.

[Insoc]

You have done everything you can to stop this happening. You can lead her to water but you can't make her drink. Yes, now that you've done everything humanly possible to show her that she's being taken for a ride, you have to let her make her own decisions.

 

 

Yes, maybe. And if you do get that call, you say yes you should have listened, and hang up. She has shown that she has no interest in being your wife any more. If she wants to be single then she has to accept the consequences of that, and that means you are not her safety net.

 

 

Yes, they certainly are! Do you have a lawyer? If not then you need to get one ASAP. If you do then you need to make sure that her financial decisions don't impact on your future. You say you have separate finances but you're married which means all assets are marital property, and if she spends/donates all hers, she will have a claim against yours. You need to act NOW to protect your assets.

 

Thanks for the response, yes I have tried what most spouses who don't want it to end, attempt to fix it, but it appears that is not going to happen. I worked hard to get her to realize she was being scammed, I think now maybe in the past day she had realized it, has started talking or taking my advice, but I don't know if she will stop communicating and falling victim to the scammer? Might just be a act? I know she is gone, the person I knew, loved and married and I cannot focus my energy on her anymore or if she chooses to stay on the path to destruction, it's on her own terms.

 

I do have a Lawyer, she doesn't and I'm not taking any time to educate her because of what transpired and the lack of empathy or feeling of guilt is hard to swallow, but i read this sometimes happen. She said to me this wasn't the reason we are parting ways, it's been like this for years, I said to her why did you wait so long and she made some comment about not being in a good position, I said well your position now is no different than it was 2 years ago.

 

it's one of the worse things I ever had to deal with and it just begun, how she is acting and how it was done was really below the belt, but I read of other people who have it worse.

[Insoc]

This is really sad but I think you have to do your best to move away as soon as possible. This sounds really toxic to me.

Your wife has been lying to you and for whatever reason has been unhappy with what she got out of your marriage. She was unable to communicate her needs or you were unable to provide them but now she is burning down your home to make her point.

 

I am trying to get out by the end of the year, wait and see. As stated, I thinks she realizes she is being scammed now, but was in "love" with the scammer and I believe there was some cybersex going on. She claims she never talked over voice chat, but I suspect she is not telling me the who story, she is acting embarrassed now but it might be a ploy to get me to leave her alone, it may start up again.

 

There was a serious lack of communication, I am not saying I wasn't at fault we both had issues which put us where we are, the difference is I never would have resorted to doing something like this to her, ever.

[Insoc]

One more point. You have proved to your wife that this person pretending to be a celebrity is certainly not who she "thinks" he is, and she is refusing against all logic to believe it. This seems suspicious to me...

 

It would lead me to believe that she isn't really being fooled, but that she is fooling you. That this celebrity profile is simply a cover for her affair partner, and she is playing dumb. What's more she may be sending him money in order to hide it from the divorce settlement, ie. "I've got no money, I need half of my husband's to survive".

 

You should DEFINITELY see a lawyer ASAP if you haven't already.

 

Yes, I have tried to talk to her over the past few weeks, she was very defensive and I read some of the chats since she made the mistake of not logging out a few times, it looked classic romance scam, the scammer was asking for $ , gift cards, checking account access and wire transfers. She was brainwashed into beleive the fantasy was real and that the Scammer told her she was this Celebrity and that they would be together at some point.

 

Based on what I read there is no chance it's someone local, it's most likely either a Russian or Nigerian scammer from afar. She also admitted after being pushed she gave the scammer wire transfer details to her account, the bank seized it all and closed it, she was told by him that the money would be there to help her out and get out of under my roof. It was stolen money, that's how they operate.

[Insoc]

Yep, when I confronted my wife about things I found it went from 0 to 2000 real quick. Lies, gaslighting, “you’re crazy”, denial and everything in between. Typical cheater behavior.

 

It’s so obvious she is being catfished and scammed. It’s crazy that she can’t she it but she’s so caught up in her fantasy. I know it’s hard to see your wife doing thru that but I don’t think there’s anything you can do right now. She is sooo caught up and you are just an inconvenience to her.

 

I would have made her file for divorce and pay for it. She wants it, so why would you agree to that?

 

I’m sorry you’re doing thru this, it’s painful as all h*ll. You have to start setting boundaries (as if I’m one to talk, I let my wife walk all over me but not anymore)

 

Yes, lying is a trait of hers I never cared for, when I called her a compulsive liar she took offense to it, but in reality that is what she is. I did not divulge all the details or let her know I saw chat logs, because she would have lost it, i feel enough has been done, I tried and will move along with my own life.

 

I do feel she is "Walking all over me" there is not feeling of guilt or empathy, it's like she doesn't care. I told her flat out if the tables were turned you would have been devasted and she just looked at me like a deer in headlights.

 

I also think reality of being divorced has not yet set in, this is going to be a big life changing experience for us both, more so for her since she has champagne taste on a beer budget, until she finds another man she will be making major sacrifices, and her bad habits will follow her to the next man, I am working on mind going to a therapist, but she seems to have no reason to correct her faults which is incredibly hard to grasp.

 

She doesn't have much money, so I'm forced to pay for the divorce, but the laws in my state are not one sided, so she will incur a lot of the finanical burden as well. This has not set in yet, she is looking at places to live that are way above her budget, I tried to tell her that's not going to work but she thinks otherwise.

 

I noticed during Divorce, some people just lose all sense of respect and logic, she is a core example, the Scammer thing is a big part of the pain for me, but the way she is acting and the carefree attitude with not much tears is hard to deal with and accept.

[Insoc]

I also want to know who this “actor” is :laugh:

 

I dont' want to tarnish his name, but he is well known, 80's hearthrob american actor. Active on Social Media, reason the Scammers are posing as him and others, they are quite skilled at the art of manipulation and making people believe they are actually in a building relationship with them. Just one glance on Instagram or other social media, one can see the amount of fake accounts.

[Insoc]

Just saw a Dr. Phil episode on this very thing. These women get real carried away and want to believe some celeb is in love with them and then the guy in Nigeria takes all their money.

 

So you keep that attorney protecting your assets. I mean, what if she runs through hers and then gets half of yours in the divorce, so you need to be very careful here. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Also, many of those type schemes are money laundering schemes and they could come after you (the feds) since you're married. So get a good attorney and sever the relationship asap. I would think the Feds would be looking into this, but I know money loss is how they decide what to pursue on internet fraud. Trouble is, they may already be investigating the people doing this to her and she'll get caught up in it. She must not be accepting money and then sending money for them!

 

Yes, usually 50+ females widowed or divorced, I heard of many losing Millions, some went on for a year. I read that the Scammers are patient and take time building the relationship, take notes and have a journal on the victim, also often they are not men but female scammers because they know how to talk and what a woman wants. Along with that there is often more than one using the account in shifts.

 

I asked my Lawyer about this, she said I'm not liable for my wife's doings, no joint accounts. She is not telling me the entire story 100%, I know more than I told her but I didn't want to disclose too much, she now believes it's a scam, but I don't know if she is being sincere? It's been hell to be honest, because you question her thinking and why did she do this? This isn't the woman I married. I'll never know the truth and all the details, I could gain access to the computer further, but I thought it's best for me to not look or dig into seeing more pics, they may haunt me the rest of my life.

[Insoc]

Why would you want to tie yourself to someone that ignorant?

 

I don't, not anymore she has no desire to be with me, so it's mutual. She is bullhead and stubborn, not taking any accountability, I flat out told her she really messed up, but it doesn't register one bit. Things will come to a head when she finds out how much support she is getting and how she is going to uphold the same standard of life she has with me, it will be gone and that's going to be a big wake-up call.

[Insoc]

It's an emotional problem. Not ignorance. People lose meaning and excitement in their lives. They want to live the dream and some let it override logic.

 

I agree, she claimed there was romance missing in our marriage among other things, there was indeed but it was both our faults, she just caved in and couldn't control her inhibitions or try to respark our love for eachother. This all seems driven by romance, the fantasy of ending up with a wealthy celebrity and being his mistress, she failed to accept the Actor was happily married and had a family, great career and lot's of money, why would he risk it all like this? She was so drawn in, she failed to realize this, it's almost sad to see someone you knew crumble under such obvious terms.

[Insoc]

Unfortunately in most cases even though the accounts may be in your own separate names, it will still be considered joint marital property if they were funded during the marriage. So if she loses all of her money she still may get half of yours. At least up until the date of the divorce filing. You might have a case if she "wasted marital assets".

 

I was concerned about her prior actions to the date of separation, according to my Lawyer, I have little to worry about it's more on her and how she will answer large deposits into her checking account, why, where and how?

[Insoc]

I don't understand how anyone can fall for these celebrity romance scams. Do they REALLY think Bruce Springsteen needs money to be wired to him? Honestly, I could not stand to be with someone that gullible. Even if you have kept your finances separate, your finances will be in danger when her "celebrity" lover has wiped out her accounts. You really need to talk to your lawyer about protecting your assets from her, as soon as possible. If it helps you deal with the emotional stress of the situation, get ANGRY! I know I would be spitting nails!

 

I'll never get it, she isn't the person I knew or married anymore, she was living in pure fantasy mode. Not questioning or realizing anyone asking for money is a big red flag, she failed to realize it but as stated I think she has now.

 

Luckily the bank shut down the first fraudalent transaction, I hope there isn't another? I did get mad about it, to the point now where I feel she has had some sense knocked into her.

[Insoc]

I must say I am having waves of emotion hitting me over my looming divorce, 10 years of marriage all the memories and times we spent together, places and things we did not ever had the chance to do more and so on.

 

I am not the one who wanted this, though my wife got wrapped up in an online scam as I statted, she woke up from her senses before too much damage was done and got out of it. Now though she has been talking about how hurt she is and how this person hurt her, I saw tears flowing and there is anger of her being embarrassed however there is no emotion or empathy for me which really hits me hard. It seems any tears me are long gone. Yet I still feel there is hope we will get back together why I think that way from a 3rd person reading or knowing my story looks twisted I know.

 

I know I am a fool and feel like I am being taken advantage of, but being I wasn't the one who cheated if you want to call it that though no contact was made online fantasia more like it or did this , it is much harder for me to accept, drop it and move on with my life.

 

I tried to talk to my wife and she does talk to me like it use to be, not sure if it is just an act to keep me cool till it's time for her to leave or finds romance someplace else to allow her to move out sooner. Money is too tight for us both to get out under the same roof which is making things hard. I feel like the same emotion I feel is devoid in her, maybe I hae to accept she lost that feeling a while ago and her mind is made up? She was married before and divorced so maybe that is why? Veteran, not a noob like me.

 

How do you accept the other person does not love you like they thought they did for years with a flip of the switch? How can i move on and let her go? Part of me is very mad at her but another part blames myself for where we are. It just seems the person I knew is no longer in there, I have a very hard time accepting it. I will have days where I am so pissed at her I want to be free and other days I feel like I will miss her company and being with her.

 

I thought it was harder on the person wanting to divorce than the person receiving it, though ymmv I would feel really bad and guilty if I was doing this to her, talking about how hurt I am that this scam artist lead me on and how I fell in love with them, yet not mention the pain, sadness and misery I caused my partner of 10 years. That lack of empathy and emotional detachment is hard to deal with. I also did figure that in after reading, "emotional detachment". Never thought it would come to this, she never acted like this or gave me any warning.

Edited November 2, 2018 by Insoc

[Agent1]

I’m sorry you’re going thru this. I didn’t realize this online love scam was a thing until someone else posted about it the other day. Actually, today I just heard a commercial about it on the radio as well. It’s terrible that’s shes heartbroken over this fantasy person that didn’t exist and could careless about how you feel. Easier said than done, but move on. You and your feelings don’t seem to matter.

 

How do you accept someone doesn’t love you like you thought they did?..... you just realize you’re better than the lies and betrayal. It has take me a month and some change to get to the point I’m at now. I’m angry about things my wife has done. You eventually pull yourself up from the crying and devastation and realize someone you thought you knew could actually do you that way. The pain still exists but it’s sooo much more bearable. You’ll get to that point eventually. You’ll be on a roller coaster of emotions but just Know, you deserve better.

 

Wish her the best, don’t be mean or vindictive and just move on.

Edited November 2, 2018 by Agent1