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wife left me. were separated now


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Old 6th October 2018, 4:15 PM   #1
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wife left me. were separated now

Hello all. My Wife and I have been together for 11 years married for 7. We have no kids and are in our mid to late 30s. We are highly driven people that have many of the same interests. We were instantly in love after meeting and
99 percent of our years were amazing.... until now.


4 years ago we sold our house and moved to be closer to my wifes work. She landed a high level job which required lots of travel. during this time I was working and going to school. We were both very busy but enjoyed our precious time we had together. We go on many wonderful vacations, and have many date nights planned to ease the pain of our high stress lives. Soon after taking the job, my wife began to get stressed. many weeks she worked 80 or so hours. I did what I could to help her, and many nights were spent with her decompressing about work. She traveled a lot but we had a very strong trust and love for eachother which kept our marriage healthy.


About 2 years ago I began to notice that she would rarely ask about my life. Her life and career became our marriage. I continued to help her through and never mentioned anything about it. I knew she was stressed and I wanted to be the best husband I could be. But her stress led to some nights taking it out on me. Once every 6 months, we argue about something small. She would give me the silent treatment. Once she stated "were done" She apologized after but it was concerning. I also noticed shed take off her ring during these fights. Once again I expressed my distaste and it stopped. I felt like I was losing my wife to her Job. But in between the work stress we would still have amazing nights out, and great vacations. It was just like old good times.


Fast forward to June. Were celebrating our 7th anniversary while on vacation. My wife mentions her job will be crazy when we get back and travel will be every week. Also she starts to mention things about her new male counterpart to which she speaks very highly of. This was uncommon for her so it raised a few flags but nothing was said.


July and August was spent with her being gone most weeks. some trips were just her and the counterpart. They began staying out later.....sometimes to midnight. Dinner and a few drinks are a normal occurance in her job, but I felt midnight, between her and another man was crossing the line. Also when she was home they had constant communication via text and phone. Sometimes shed take pictures of things while out with me and send it to him. many other remarks were made about how funny he is or about something he did or said. This is not usual behavior from my wife. She would also not wear her ring on trips with the excuse of it not being allowed on the plant floor for safety reasons. Something was up.

To this point I had not mentioned anything. Until I began noticing her music tastes change. When she spoke to him on the phone she would light up. I also noticed he was her friend on social media and was liking all her pics. So I decided to confront her. She denied everything claiming that they are just co workers. I asked her if he was a friend on social media. She said no. When I asked her why shes lying she said "its because your being crazy"


The next month she would travel weekly and became very cold. Much time was spent with him on the trips and we began to communicate less. When shed come home we would go to events and on date nights still. The constant texting and calls continued. We would argue more and some became pretty intense. her silent treatments and stonewalling continued.

Then i found out she signed a lease to a condo for her and her sister. She had been hiding it for weeks. She admitted to it while crying. She states she wants to try a trial separation to "wipe the slate clean" of our mistakes we made on how we set up our foundation. I believe this had something to do with the guy though she denies it. I told her at was at least an emotional relationship but she says no. I also found out she bought him small gifts, birthday and houswarming. He lives out of state, is 10 years older, and has kids (which my wife has no interest in) so my gut says shes not leaving me for him.

Shes been gone for two weeks. We speak everyday, go to counciling every week. ive been to her new place for dinner a few nights. Our goal would be to reunite after a year and buy a house. I was always the leader in the relationship so i feel like im the one make most of our calls and texts. I know i shouldnt be doing this.

Any advice on my situation would be helpful. We had a great thing...hard to throw everything away at this point. thanks
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Old 6th October 2018, 5:14 PM   #2
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She is lying plain and simple. She is very much involved with the guy and is keeping you in her back pocket.

You have two choices, 1) play fool and allow her to date this guy while married to you. Maybe she comes back maybe she doesn't 2) take control over your life, tell her she is in or out that you wont stand by while she test drives her new boyfriend.
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Old 6th October 2018, 5:31 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sure2win View Post
Hello all. My Wife and I have been together for 11 years married for 7. We have no kids and are in our mid to late 30s. We are highly driven people that have many of the same interests. We were instantly in love after meeting and
99 percent of our years were amazing.... until now.


4 years ago we sold our house and moved to be closer to my wifes work. She landed a high level job which required lots of travel. during this time I was working and going to school. We were both very busy but enjoyed our precious time we had together. We go on many wonderful vacations, and have many date nights planned to ease the pain of our high stress lives. Soon after taking the job, my wife began to get stressed. many weeks she worked 80 or so hours. I did what I could to help her, and many nights were spent with her decompressing about work. She traveled a lot but we had a very strong trust and love for eachother which kept our marriage healthy.


About 2 years ago I began to notice that she would rarely ask about my life. Her life and career became our marriage. I continued to help her through and never mentioned anything about it. I knew she was stressed and I wanted to be the best husband I could be. But her stress led to some nights taking it out on me. Once every 6 months, we argue about something small. She would give me the silent treatment. Once she stated "were done" She apologized after but it was concerning. I also noticed shed take off her ring during these fights. Once again I expressed my distaste and it stopped. I felt like I was losing my wife to her Job. But in between the work stress we would still have amazing nights out, and great vacations. It was just like old good times.


Fast forward to June. Were celebrating our 7th anniversary while on vacation. My wife mentions her job will be crazy when we get back and travel will be every week. Also she starts to mention things about her new male counterpart to which she speaks very highly of. This was uncommon for her so it raised a few flags but nothing was said.

Yep, check your phone bill. Her other man is in the mix.

July and August was spent with her being gone most weeks. some trips were just her and the counterpart. They began staying out later.....sometimes to midnight. Dinner and a few drinks are a normal occurance in her job, but I felt midnight, between her and another man was crossing the line. Also when she was home they had constant communication via text and phone. Sometimes shed take pictures of things while out with me and send it to him. many other remarks were made about how funny he is or about something he did or said. This is not usual behavior from my wife. She would also not wear her ring on trips with the excuse of it not being allowed on the plant floor for safety reasons. Something was up.

Yep, she neck deep in an affair.

To this point I had not mentioned anything. Until I began noticing her music tastes change. When she spoke to him on the phone she would light up. I also noticed he was her friend on social media and was liking all her pics. So I decided to confront her. She denied everything claiming that they are just co workers. I asked her if he was a friend on social media. She said no. When I asked her why shes lying she said "its because your being crazy"

Cheaters lie a lot and that's all your getting.

The next month she would travel weekly and became very cold. Much time was spent with him on the trips and we began to communicate less. When shed come home we would go to events and on date nights still. The constant texting and calls continued. We would argue more and some became pretty intense. her silent treatments and stonewalling continued.

You are the bad guy to justify her affair. You'll get a marriage rewrite of how awful you are.

Then i found out she signed a lease to a condo for her and her sister. She had been hiding it for weeks. She admitted to it while crying. She states she wants to try a trial separation to "wipe the slate clean" of our mistakes we made on how we set up our foundation. I believe this had something to do with the guy though she denies it. I told her at was at least an emotional relationship but she says no. I also found out she bought him small gifts, birthday and houswarming. He lives out of state, is 10 years older, and has kids (which my wife has no interest in) so my gut says shes not leaving me for him.

You didn't think you'd be facing this either but you are.
She's lieing all cheaters lie, hide and deny. Total BS. It's a full on sexual affair. Living in denial won't get you a thing. She's getting you out of the way to try out her boyfriend full time. If he has a wife you should inform her immediately.

Shes been gone for two weeks. We speak everyday, go to counciling every week. ive been to her new place for dinner a few nights. Our goal would be to reunite after a year and buy a house. I was always the leader in the relationship so i feel like im the one make most of our calls and texts. I know i shouldnt be doing this.

Worse mistake you can make. You are acting like a doormat trying to "nice her back". All you're doing is lowering your status while her other man stands tall.

Any advice on my situation would be helpful. We had a great thing...hard to throw everything away at this point. thanks
She's cheating and you are giving her total control. Very unattractive. You should be in a hard 180 and I'd go ahead and file. Right now you have lowered yourse to a hanger on.

Nicing them back just makes you irrelevant. You need to wake up.
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Old 6th October 2018, 5:36 PM   #4
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Read up. I get you're in shock and don't know what to do but you need to wake up quick and understand talk gets you nothing right now. She's head over heels for her new man. No begging pleading or crying. That just puts you in worse shape. Go your own way like she has. Right now all you're doing is feeding a cake eater. At your expense. Better stop!!!!!!


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Old 6th October 2018, 5:40 PM   #5
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This happens all the time. Your wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special or unique at all except it's happening to you.

The one who come out of these situations best get strong quick and go their own way.

The weak and indecisive ones linger on until they get dumped.

In essence she's already dumped you. She just doesn't want you to know the truth.

Denial my give you some comfort and keep you from having to make a decision but that comes at a cost.

You aren't throwing anything away she already has. Some exposure might help but you need some evidence. You appear to weak to go that route though.

Wake up!!!!!
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Old 6th October 2018, 6:11 PM   #6
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She states she wants to try a trial separation to "wipe the slate clean" of our mistakes we made on how we set up our foundation.
sure2win, separation has nothing to do with working on your marriage, it's a trial divorce. Additionally, it allows her unquestioned access to her affair partner while keeping you on the back burner, Plan B if things don't work out with him. No wonder she proposed it.

She's many steps ahead of you. Since it sounds like she's the primary breadwinner, get a pitbull lawyer and follow the advice you're given. Stop thinking of her as the person you know, that ship has sailed...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 7th October 2018, 12:16 PM   #7
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Hi sure2win, what is your income level as compared to your wife? I think everybody on here has given you sterling advice and you have to wake up from your slumber and smell the coffee. Now that she has implemented the trial separation you add a few bricks from your side. One is go hard 180 and NC. The second is consult a lawyer, file and have her served. All further contact with her and by her should be through your lawyer. If you think this is too drastic just remember she was, as Mr. Lucky said , many steps ahead of you when she moved out. Your marriage, for all practical purposes, is over. Your only chance to be one up on her is to try shock and awe tactics. Once you have her served she may wake up from her sweet dreams and come back to the real world. If she begs you for another chance tell her you will only consider it if she leaves this job irrespective of whether it is a high flying one or not and whether she is making a seven figure salary or not. If she refuses you have your answer and you proceed ahead full steam with the divorce. Never hang on to the petticoat tails of a cheater. Detach from her and build up your self esteem factor. Wish you the very best.
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Old 7th October 2018, 5:12 PM   #8
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She wants to separate so she can "trial" dating him.

Are you willing to be one of her two boyfriends?
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Old 11th October 2018, 2:39 AM   #9
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Typical cheater behavior... my ex wife did all that and eventually chose her AP over our marriage...


She will lie and make up stories to keep you happy, unfortunately she is gone..


I would advise a divorce if she is not interested in reconciling...
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Old 2nd March 2019, 9:24 PM   #10
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Sorry its taken so long but I just wanted to thank everyone for their replies. weve since decided to stop marriage counciling. She never wanted to truly work on the marriage, she was only doing it for her family because they loved me. She lied many times during council. Ive since decided to go no contact with her, only communicating through lawyers. Its for sure helped with the ruminating thoughts, but im still dealing with some depression. Trying to stay busy with work, gym, boxing gym, and some occasional nights out with buds. I truly still feel blindsided by all this, and her constant gaslighting and lying made this more painful. D day is 3-21, hoping to start feeling better as summer approaches. Thanks again all
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Old 2nd March 2019, 9:43 PM   #11
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Boxing has got to be great outlet for you during this time. Keep that stress from overtaking your body anyway. Sorry it's not working out. I imagine you'll feel better once it's over.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 10:44 PM   #12
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Time will heal the wounds. Hope you meet an awesome new woman once you're ready...
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Old 3rd March 2019, 12:06 AM   #13
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S Trying to stay busy with work, gym, boxing gym, and some occasional nights out with buds.
Solid plan, staying busy and physically active will facilitate your recovery. People like her have a tendency to eventually be undone by their own self-centered approach to life. Living well is your best revenge...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 4th March 2019, 9:48 AM   #14
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yeah something is up, almost a copy and paste of what my ex did to me, she met a friend in the UK that was helping her with settling her fathers estate (which someone she got $0 from) but she stopped talking to me as much and then before i even knew it things were over and shes wanting a divorce.

Just a heads up that if you do catch her in the act she will try to shift the blame to you saying stuff like you didn't love her enough or gave her enough attention.
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Old 5th March 2019, 8:04 PM   #15
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No contact is the key. If you can do that you'll be a lot better off
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