Disabled and wife wants divorce after 21 years.

[StephenTexas]

I need differing opinions. I don't remember it all because the last week or so have been nutzo.

 

Two Friday's ago my wife gets this call from her co-worker inviting her to go to the coast with the girls on Saturday. Even though I had planned this weekend to try and get things back in order, I agreed and told her to have fun. I get one text after she leaves about 5 pm saying "having fun talk later".

 

Fast forward to 3 pm the next day, no call no answer of texts even married daughter is worried so I pull up phone locator and she is nowhere near the coast. She finally calls back and says she is 30 miles away. When she gets home I try to see if maybe she was at her friends on the way back. The friend lives far away from there. I finally tell her I know where she was and she lies then finally tells me that she has someone new and wants a divorce. Acts like a smug bitch saying the most hateful things. Of course, I lose my ****. I have had 8 surgeries in the past 4 years and am applying for disability, not to give up but because I lost my job of 21 years since I was unable to perform my job.

 

We finally talk some and i get her to admit she didn't sleep with him because she only wants me. I cannot perform fully sexually but I rocked her world. She finally says she still loves me but its not the same. She will give me a chance but if nothing changes she is planning on seeing the guy three weeks later on her next weekend off. I agree if she honors her wedding vows of being true and will work with me.

 

Things go up and down. I write her a letter and give her a speech from the heart that I want us to work, I only want her and I am willing to work if she is willing to work. I tell her I did not give up on her and life and I am becoming something new and she should come along for the ride. I also tell her there is nothing wrong with me and I am a damned good man and she should remember what we have done together.

 

We actually have real sexual intercourse where she makes it but I lost it before I did, No problems I say. later we have the best time of sex without intercourse we have ever had and laugh and love on each other and she tells me she loves me.

 

Things keep going well. I'm doing things I said I would always do but never did. I'm a bit overbearing but hell, what can you expect. Things seem to be calming down and I am not certain it will work but I have hope and it shows.

 

One thing is in spite of my problems, I have taken care of everything at home and all our bills. She asked to be a part before and says she needs to learn now. I said the same thing that I would. She says the same thing that she always does, that she needs it written down. I told her I have before and I made the Evernote guide that shows where everything is but she still hasn't sat down to learn and I am not offering again.

 

 

Then last night she comes home from work and says, "Just so we are clear, I am going to spend the weekend with him next weekend." Not good. I talk till I am blue in the face but suddenly where we had passion and love we now have smugness and no caring.

 

This morning I wake up early and write a short note admitting I was a bit overwrought and want to talk again. She gets up and puts me off till I finally tell her I have to be somewhere soon. She takes a while but finally says she knows she has an advantage because she has felt like she didn't want to be married anymore for some time and I have only had a week and she can't make her mind up in a week. I tell her I know at I was happy because things were going well but I was not convinced anything had changed. I work and finally get her to agree to three things.

 

1. She will sincerely give me a chance

2. We honor our marriage fidelity or talk about it before we doing anything with someone else. She knows this is big for me and I am still certain she has not done this yet, but she may say she is going to next weekend.

3. Keep expression the passion we have been enjoying - this was a tough one but she agreed

 

Then I went to my doc to get some help medically and referrals. I end up going with a life coach, not therapy because she said I am not here to fix her or save your marriage, I am here to make sure you are okay no matter what happens. She gives me advice on how to put this back on her, be positive and not appear so needy.

 

I have so much else to share, losing my job, my ability to walk well and type, losing the man that raised me, trying to sell our house and paying two bills of homes, having my son go back to prison which I think she had an influence on because of her nature and the way she acted towards him.

 

She thinks she is tired of marriage, which to her is not having any responsibilities. She is not smart in those ways and I was shocked when my best friend told me this before I did and that he had seen her bitchy ways and he and his wife who have been friends for 11 years both say she is stupid for doing this but they don't think she is smart enough to realize that. That still bothers me because I want to make the thing work and protect her as I have for 21 years.

 

I'm looking for any questions or answers you have. I've already heard the worst so don't worry.

 

My plan, for now, is to ask her what is important to her and that I want to know these things and stop promising or asking. I am taking my feelings out as best I can at least and revealing those to my coach and support friends.

 

The biggest thing is what do I do if she goes. Is it a test? Is it to get a rise? Is it because she is done. The dude is a real winner. when he found out I knew he was worried because I know where he lives now and said, "Do your husband know I am a member of the NRA?" Classy dude. I think the change may have been him seeing I was getting somewhere so he has promised some magical weekend. I just don't know what to do and I told her I can't even think of that right now because I can't see past today.

 

Thanks for any replies.

[amaysngrace]

What do you mean she had your son sent to jail? Isn’t he her son too? If he’s not that cool, just after 21 years of marriage there should be some loyalty towards him as his stepmom.

 

She sounds like a bad person. Don’t clue her in on your finances. That’s the last thing you need to be doing.

 

What are you suppose to do? Sit back while she plays the field and hope she picks you? I don’t think so. You need to be in charge of your own destiny and stop giving your power away to this person who lies to you and disrespects you.

 

You deserve better than that.

[FMW]

I don't think she's testing you, but I have no clue what her thinking could possibly be. She just lit a bomb and threw it in your lap and walked away. She doesn't seem to be focused on making things better in the marriage, but on pursuing some escapist fantasy.

 

Maybe you are overbearing, maybe she has other issues with you and the relationship. But what she is supposed to do is talk to you about it and see if things can be fixed. If things can't be fixed then you proceed accordingly and respectfully. What she's not supposed to do is have an affair (whether it's sexual or not, but honestly I can't believe it's not already sexual) and treat it as something you just have to deal with while she figures out what she wants.

 

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this position. I hope posting here will help you figure out what you are going to do. I can't see how you could possibly stay with her after this, but that's something you'll have to decide for yourself.

[Marc878]

You are playing a game you can't win. It's called the "pick me dance".

 

All cheaters lie a lot. She didn't have a weekend away without sex. The affair and its sexual has been ongoing for probably awhile.

 

You are in deep denial and acting like her puppy dog. Very unnattractive.

 

You should wake up now.

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill online if you want to know how long this has been going on.

 

I'd also find out if he's married and inform his wife.

[StephenTexas]

What do you mean she had your son sent to jail? Isn’t he her son too? If he’s not that cool, just after 21 years of marriage there should be some loyalty towards him as his stepmom.

 

She sounds like a bad person. Don’t clue her in on your finances. That’s the last thing you need to be doing.

 

What are you suppose to do? Sit back while she plays the field and hope she picks you? I don’t think so. You need to be in charge of your own destiny and stop giving your power away to this person who lies to you and disrespects you.

 

You deserve better than that.

 

He was her son from another husband. I adopted him and his sister right after we married because dad was **** and he even offered. We had problems with him in his teen years but we were close. He had kept his nose fairly clean until she started riding him to get out. He was arrested a few days after his ten years was finished because he got into a huge fight with her and left. I had him coming home when he was picked up. I couldn't go see him, wouldn't bail him out either. She was in full support of this. He got 2 years and I made the mistake of calling him my stepson because I was still pissed.

 

I truly believe the pressure she applied made him go back to drugs. He has always had self-esteem problems. I just wrote him a letter telling him I was here for him. My other son says he will stay with the two of us if she divorces me because they lost their respect for her a long time ago because of the way she treated me.

 

Just wanted to clear that up. I am leaning towards what you are saying but despite it all, she is the only woman I have truly loved and it will kill me if we split. I will be okay eventually but a lot of work, prayers and love will just go up in smoke because she wants freedom from everything. she always had a problem adulting.

[StephenTexas]

Check your phone bill online if you want to know how long this has been going on.

 

I'd also find out if he's married and inform his wife.

 

How do I do that get a copy?

[preraph]

I'm very sorry you're going through this heartbreaking situation. To me she just sounds like someone who has reached a certain age and got restless. I don't know if you two got married young or whether she had a chance to explore and be free in her youth before partnering up with you, but if she didn't, well eventually people do start thinking they missed out on that and sometimes try to reclaim it.

 

I hope your support system and life coach are able to keep you focused on moving forward. It just sounds like she's going to do this thing if not now at some point. It wouldn't surprise me if she came in and out of your life.

 

It sounds like if she leaves, it may actually improve the atmosphere in your home as far as the offspring are concerned.

 

You are just going to have to not overwhelm Yourself by thinking about years down the road what's going on a year from now. It's unknown and it's too overwhelming to contemplate without panicking. So try to just take life a couple of days at a time right now.

 

I II don't trust why she all of a sudden wants to know about all the finances, but I'd keep her out of it for now in case she's trying to take off with some money. She can do that after she files for divorce if that's what she wants to do, but there's no point just making it easy for her.

 

You stay connected to your support network there. Try to remember that most change is change for the better, even though it may not seem like it at the time.

[amaysngrace]

...despite it all, she is the only woman I have truly loved and it will kill me if we split. I will be okay eventually but a lot of work, prayers and love will just go up in smoke because she wants freedom from everything. she always had a problem adulting.

 

It won’t kill you if you split. It seems to me that she already split and you’re still breathing. You sound like you’re a good man from what little you’ve posted. Believe me, good men are in high demand. You won’t have a problem finding someone who appreciates the goodness in you and treats you in kind when the time is right.

 

She makes you feel bad. She makes her children feel bad. Eventually she’ll make this new guy feel bad too. That’s what toxic people do.

 

I know you’re sad right now but you need to get good and mad about the way she treats you and the people you care about. Once you awaken that rightful anger in you you’ll be good to go.

[Veronica73]

She sounds awful. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.

[Orokotikki]

Please brother, find your anger and use it to fuel your action. Secure your finances and lawyer up. Since she insists on seeing this guy meet her with divorce papers when she returns.

 

This does not mean necessarily you will get divorced, but she NEEDS to see you truly serious.

 

Listen, even if you want to reconcile, and i am in favor of reconciliation, my wife cheated on me, you need to nuke the affair fog fantasy by showing her consequences. Also hire a PI or get someone to act as one to find out about this guy. If he is married contact his wife ASAP.

 

DO NOT TAKE YOUR WIFE'S WORD FOR ANYTHING AT THIS TIME. Trust nothing she says watch her actions.

 

If you can nuke the (almost certainly already physical) affair, you can then decide if you want to R.

Edited September 18, 2018 by Orokotikki

[Mr. Lucky]

Please brother, find your anger and use it to fuel your action. Secure your finances and lawyer up. Since she insists on seeing this guy meet her with divorce papers when she returns.

 

Amen.

 

StephenTexas, all you know about this other relationship is what she's told you. How truthful was she about her whereabouts the weekend this all hit the fan? She's in the midst of a full-blown affair, don't believe a word she says.

 

You need to force her hand. Right now, zero consequences for her actions as she gets to play with him and come home to you. Time to change that dynamic, if she wants to see him this or any other weekend, let her understand the price to be paid.

 

Hiring a lawyer doesn't commit you to divorce, but it does show you'll no longer be her Plan B. Time to play hard ball...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Orokotikki]

I'm not very religious, but I'll be praying for you for the best possible outcome. The Lord needs you to do your part too.

[vla1120]

You already caught her in one lie. There are plenty more where that came from. She has guts giving YOU ultimatums. You need to be the one giving ultimatums to her. Lawyer up, protect your assets, and stay in your home. I am sorry to hear about your son. Hopefully, he will find the incentive he needs to get clean for himself. That’s not your fault, either. Oh, and she doesn’t like to adult?? Well she’s about to find out how. Make sure of that! Best of luck to you.

[Chris516]

Your wife, sounds like my (ex)wife.

 

I have had physical disabilities all my life(51yrs.-old). My (ex)wife was in denial about my health, her health, and the health of the kids. She even said that she wished my health problems "would just go away", and she wished we never had kids.

 

Just like your wife, my (ex)didn't want any responsibility.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry, I know you have suffered a lot of loss and you are having a difficult time with life right now. But, I'm not sure why you would want to stay with this woman. She sounds like a pretty terrible person. Not what I would want for my wife and my life partner.

[clia]

She finally says she still loves me but its not the same. She will give me a chance but if nothing changes she is planning on seeing the guy three weeks later on her next weekend off. I agree if she honors her wedding vows of being true and will work with me.

 

Things go up and down. I write her a letter and give her a speech from the heart that I want us to work, I only want her and I am willing to work if she is willing to work. I tell her I did not give up on her and life and I am becoming something new and she should come along for the ride. I also tell her there is nothing wrong with me and I am a damned good man and she should remember what we have done together.

 

Things keep going well. I'm doing things I said I would always do but never did. I'm a bit overbearing but hell, what can you expect. Things seem to be calming down and I am not certain it will work but I have hope and it shows.

 

One thing is in spite of my problems, I have taken care of everything at home and all our bills. She asked to be a part before and says she needs to learn now.

1. She will sincerely give me a chance

2. We honor our marriage fidelity or talk about it before we doing anything with someone else. She knows this is big for me and I am still certain she has not done this yet, but she may say she is going to next weekend.

3. Keep expression the passion we have been enjoying - this was a tough one but she agreed

<SNIP>

 

Let's set aside this new guy for a minute.

 

Why was your wife unhappy in your marriage? What are you referring to above in working on for yourself, that she needs to give you a chance, doing things now you never did before, etc.?

Edited November 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[StephenTexas]

Let's set aside this new guy for a minute.

 

Why was your wife unhappy in your marriage? What are you referring to above in working on for yourself, that she needs to give you a chance, doing things now you never did before, etc.?

 

 

Let's set aside this new guy for a minute.

 

Why was your wife unhappy in your marriage? What are you referring to above in working on for yourself, that she needs to give you a chance, doing things now you never did before, etc.?

 

I have had two cervical spine surgeries because my spinal cord was being crushed by bone growth. It left me weak in one side, chronic pain, myelopathy, unable type, and issues walking. I've had 4 surgeries on my foot along the way with amputations and a week's stay for a staph infection. During this time the pain took away everything including sex and I let it. I gained a lot of weight,

 

She says she tried to help but I didn't see it or understand it, Then she said she just gave up and was not going to tell me till the house sold and we split the money.

 

The signs really only began in the past few months after I lost my job, couldn't get another and told her I was applying for disability for partial income and make money on the side.

 

So, no matter what, I've started to improve myself. IF it impresses her enough to stay cool, if not... well let's say I woke up today after with a new idea about myself thanks to my friends and family and you.

 

In spite of it all, I want her. We were friends before lovers and were always friends until I drew into my shell.

 

Yesterday, I took it all off me and put it on her. Told her I'm not begging, pleading, convincing, etc. When she came to bed she lay against me so I could go to sleep. Maybe it is working.

 

Thanks for letting me rant. I used to write and find myself doing it again. People say I am good and should be published. We shall see.

 

Thank you for all your opinions it really helped. Hope I can do the same for you someday.

 

TryingToLiveAgainInAustin

 

P.S. i found out today by accident that my daughter that just had my second granddaughter is more concerned about me and mad at her mother. I don't want her to be worrying (she has a newborn and 2 year ol)so I told her all my good stuff and not to worry about me but concentrate on her family. I love my kids.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm sorry for everything you're going through. I don't think you can believe everything she says at this point. I did not say "anything," but the full truth probably is somewhere a bit further away from the lines she's feeding you.

 

"In sickness and in health" doesn't mean to her what you need it to mean . It sounds like she's just not up for honoring that part of the marriage vows .

[Mr. Lucky]

"In sickness and in health" doesn't mean to her what you need it to mean . It sounds like she's just not up for honoring that part of the marriage vows .

 

I've seen the marriages of two close friends crumble as one partner went through a debilitating illness, surgery and long recovery while the other partner is in good health. I try not to judge, it's easy to throw words like "commitment" around but another thing to know one part of your life is over. One husband told me "it's like being widowed, but worse".

 

StephenTexas, you seem like an exceptionally strong person. Hope it works out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Orokotikki]

Stephen, you can often get a free initial consultation with a divorce lawyer, have you done so yet?

 

This will show your wife strength of will. It will also be important to protect your self.

 

Please. A wife in the throes of an affair can become unimaginably cruel. Secure some assets.

 

Sounds like you made some progress being assertive. Good, I am glad to hear It!

 

You need to become a locomotive building up strength and speed, taking further action.

 

I highly recommend the book "how to survive you wife's affair"

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've seen the marriages of two close friends crumble as one partner went through a debilitating illness, surgery and long recovery while the other partner is in good health. I try not to judge, it's easy to throw words like "commitment" around but another thing to know one part of your life is over. One husband told me "it's like being widowed, but worse".

StephenTexas, you seem like an exceptionally strong person. Hope it works out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, I get this. I have a close friend whose husband suffered a catastrophic stroke. I frequently have empathized with her, "You haven't lost your husband.....but you have lost your husband." It's so difficult for her . Her sister became a widow around the same time as the stroke and my friend definitely feels her sister has it easier .

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, I get this. I have a close friend whose husband suffered a catastrophic stroke. I frequently have empathized with her, "You haven't lost your husband.....but you have lost your husband." It's so difficult for her . Her sister became a widow around the same time as the stroke and my friend definitely feels her sister has it easier .

 

Yes , it's one of those situations life can't prepare you for. My BIL has the most aggressive form of Alzheimer's and is in memory care in his early 60's. He doesn't recognize his wife, kids or any of the rest of us yet is in reasonably good physical health and could live another decade or longer. My sister visits him every day, drains their finances to provide his care and has no life outside of work and seeing him.

 

I only hope I'd be that strong in the same situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Orokotikki]

Saving my sympathy for those who are loyal despite life struggles. This certainly does not include op's cheating wife.

 

How you holding up Stephen?

[StephenTexas]

Saving my sympathy for those who are loyal despite life struggles. This certainly does not include op's cheating wife.

 

How you holding up Stephen?

 

Here's an update:

 

It all came to a head tonight and was about to end badly when she suggested separating. At first, I was resistant... then I asked her if this was the only way for us to ever get back together and she said it was the best chance. Then I agreed knowing there is no fantasy world or movie script involved here, this is the best chance I have to save it or get myself ready to move on.

 

We are agreeing to informal but written terms just between the two of us written down and accepted by both parties. Right now we have six months, living apart but we can still be together, talk together, date, have sex and just still be there for each other because we are still each other's best friend. Both sides can go do what the want with others discreetly and making sure to practice safe sex IF it comes up.

 

I honestly don't think this is about her getting laid as much as her getting out for a while and being free... yes, I know and warned her but she is certain about this. It also gives her time to see I did really kill that guy I used to be AND give ME time to get myself ready to either be with her or be on my own. BTW dude she is insisting on seeing next week is twenty years younger, the same age as our oldest daughter.

 

Heres the thing, we are finally talking and agreeing to things. Having good productive conversations and being nice to each other. There is no way this would have been solved in three weeks and it also takes all the pressure off of us and the kids. I think I have surprised her with the things I am agreeing to but I had already decided it was over. This gives me a chance to be with her and to be ready not to be and see what I may be missing too.

 

I am averaging 7 lbs a week weight loss and already feel good, so I'm shooting for more knowing I have a long, tough road there. it is very possible that at the end of this six months she may be ready to continue but I say NO.

 

I will keep you guys updated. I'm not afraid anymore. if you are every in Austin soon holler and we can have a margarita. Thanks again for being there.

 

P.S. I am still getting a lawyer lined up and have the phone records and other stuff for my case and will continue to do so as long as we have the same phone company.