Filly4thirteen Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried counseling, I’ve tried no contact (which I’m a good 7 days in) I’ve been on this roller coaster and it’s becomig annoying. I have days where I feel good and then a lot of days I just feel like I can’t face life without her. As of late (for the past couple months) I can’t stop blaming myself for everything. I was always the hardworking, honest loyal type in my marriage. I don’t know what happened but we just became roommates and I can’t stop telling myself it was all my fault, I worked too much. Long story short (which I’m sure some of you remember my story because I’ve been in here quite a bit seeking help) my ex was a sahm for a past couple years of our marriage. I would work a lot and come home completely exhausted (I’m in management) and the last year of our marriage I felt every night I came home I wasn’t welcome. My needs didn’t matter (sexual and respect/appreciation were lacking immensely) I in turn subconsciously shut down emotionally. She would have her moments of depression and a lot of anxiety for reasons I never understood. So I dug deeper in my career. She then cheated and kept it from me for approx 6 months untill the separation commenced. Now the past 2 months she has asked to be friends, that she wants a friendship because that’s how relationships start. She gets upset when I don’t acknowledge her when she picks up my daughter. The question is how do I just move on and stop Blaming myself for the failed marriage. I keep saying, well maybe she did all she could do and I was just a jerk and her cheating is on me. My intentions where always pure but I realize I didn’t care for her in the way she needed. And for that I’m remorsful. It’s almost as tho throughout our whole marriage it was what can I do to improve the marriage and she wouldn’t make any effort other then tell me what I was doing wrong or what I wasn’t doing to make her happy. I pretty much grew cold to her untill I found out she was cheating. Then I got a wake up call and wanted to change. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 Her cheating is definitely not on you. The state of your relationship with her is obviously a shared responsibility, so it's good to look at your part in how the relationship broke down. But again - her cheating is completely on her. She could have confronted you and tried to talk more, she could have demanded MC, she could have just left you, filed for divorce, etc. She CHOSE to have an affair. Where you go from here is something you'll have to figure out together. If you can forgive her, if you can each be the partner you need to be for each other, or if you can just be amicable co-parents is something only the two of you know. Take responsibility for your part in your relationship with her - but NOT for her choosing to have an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 As of late (for the past couple months) I can’t stop blaming myself for everything. I was always the hardworking, honest loyal type in my marriage. Filly4thirteen, here's two sentences you wrote, read them again. All you did was try your best to support your family through some difficult and confusing times. All she did was blame you and cheat. Did you meet every one of her emotional needs, delivering happiness like a phone-order pizza? No... But you were in the same struggling marriage she was. Were you unfaithful? There's a thin line between self-examination and self-flagellation. One is healthy, the other only holds you back. Do what feels right for you to live the life you want going forward. She'll either understand and deal with it - or she won't. Keep posting, lots of support and experience here... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 It takes 2 to make a marriage work & it takes 2 to cause it to fail. Perhaps you did work long hours but that is no justification for cheating or blaming you because she was bored as a SAHM. She could have joined clubs, gotten a hobby, furthered her education on line when your daughter was little or gotten a part time job. She chose to blame your long hours & then she cheated. It was her infidelity that made her unwilling to have sex with you & to make you feel unwelcome in your own home. It wasn't your work schedule. There are 2 pop psychology books by Dr. Laura called The Care & Feeding of a Husband and the Care & Feeding of a Marriage. Both are a little on the misogynistic side for my tastes, but one of them talks about appreciation. One specific example is geared toward women like your EX who complain that their guys work too much. Dr. Laura recommends being appreciative that he's out there earning money to put food on the table & letting you stay home to care for your children. You are going to struggle with highs & lows with anger & acceptance as you face the new reality of your divorce. Unfortunately because you share a child NC is not a luxury afforded to you. You & your EX must communicate & interact for your daughter. In that vein you have to be civil. No matter what else your EX ever is to you, she will always be the mother of your child. For that you must be gracious. When she says she wants to be friends, what she really means is that she doesn't want to be enemies. She wants to find some level of peaceful co-existence for your child's sake. Find that middle ground so your daughter never feels stuck in between you two, like she has to chose. No matter what you & your EX do, assure your daughter that you & her mother will always love her. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 All betrayed spouses tend to try and take the blame for their spouses affair. It's a folly. She just couldn't have done this!!! Yep, she sure could and did. They all want to be friends. It's all for them not you. You can achieve NC by communicating by text kids only. I know 3 who do this route and it works well for them. You don't have to be friends to coparent. Just civil with no engagement works. If you gully apply it. Time will do the rest. It is not the end of your world. Far from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Filly4thirteen Posted September 16, 2018 Author Share Posted September 16, 2018 Marc, Why does a friendship benefit her? I just need to find a way to pick it up and move forward. I still catch myself wondering what she’s doing and who she is with. Why is she so happy yet I’m in misery. There has to be a better future. I just can’t seem to find peace. I get my daughter every other weekend, every Sunday for church and every Tuesday and Thursday from 5-8 for dinner and a little daddy time. I try and get her for horse lessons on mondays but the ex is giving a little push back on that and says the Tuesday’s and Thursday’s is stupid because I only Have her for 3 hours, so what’s the point. I just hope it starts to feel normal because this just feels like a struggle everyday Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted September 16, 2018 Share Posted September 16, 2018 Tuesday/Thursday is most definitely not "stupid". Your daughter needs more time with you than just every other weekend. She seriously asks what's the point? Sheesh. I'm thinking I wouldn't like your at-least-for-the-moment-wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 16, 2018 Share Posted September 16, 2018 Marc, Why does a friendship benefit her? I just need to find a way to pick it up and move forward. I still catch myself wondering what she’s doing and who she is with. Why is she so happy yet I’m in misery. There has to be a better future. I just can’t seem to find peace. It helps relieve her guilt. "See Filly is ok with what I've done cause we're friends"!!! This is pretty much a cheaters script. They all do this. I get my daughter every other weekend, every Sunday for church and every Tuesday and Thursday from 5-8 for dinner and a little daddy time. I try and get her for horse lessons on mondays but the ex is giving a little push back on that and says the Tuesday’s and Thursday’s is stupid because I only Have her for 3 hours, so what’s the point. It's time with you and you should have it. This is her trying to control you I just hope it starts to feel normal because this just feels like a struggle everyday Unnecessary contact just keeps you in this. With no contact comes detachment. You'll be fine if you can cut the contact. Time heals a lot You need to go your own way. It's your only good path Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted September 16, 2018 Share Posted September 16, 2018 You spend as much time as you can with your daughter. Don't worry about what her mother thinks about it! Go NC as much as possible. It will help you deal with everything better. Don't fall victim to her emotional blackmail. It is not your responsibility to be her "friend" (thereby allowing her to feel less guilt for her cheating and breaking up your marriage) and it is not your fault that she cheated. When my first husband put his dating profile online, he said he was looking for someone who was "not a workaholic". Gee. Sorry I spent all that time building a career for myself so that I could provide a stable income and medical benefits for my family. Someone had to do it. Don't feel guilty about it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Filly4thirteen Posted September 16, 2018 Author Share Posted September 16, 2018 It takes 2 to make a marriage work & it takes 2 to cause it to fail. Perhaps you did work long hours but that is no justification for cheating or blaming you because she was bored as a SAHM. She could have joined clubs, gotten a hobby, furthered her education on line when your daughter was little or gotten a part time job. She chose to blame your long hours & then she cheated. It was her infidelity that made her unwilling to have sex with you & to make you feel unwelcome in your own home. She did do these things. She went to her work out class every day that she loved. Did her continuing education credits online, met new friends who were also sahm , went on trips to Vegas Miami Hilton Head outer banks. Up to Lake Erie quite often with her sisters. I never held her back from doing anything she wanted. Did I question the spending, sure, someone had to be responsible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Filly4thirteen Posted September 16, 2018 Author Share Posted September 16, 2018 You spend as much time as you can with your daughter. Don't worry about what her mother thinks about it! Go NC as much as possible. It will help you deal with everything better. Don't fall victim to her emotional blackmail. It is not your responsibility to be her "friend" (thereby allowing her to feel less guilt for her cheating and breaking up your marriage) and it is not your fault that she cheated. When my first husband put his dating profile online, he said he was looking for someone who was "not a workaholic". Gee. Sorry I spent all that time building a career for myself so that I could provide a stable income and medical benefits for my family. Someone had to do it. Don't feel guilty about it! Thank you for your reply, I’ve been no contact for about a week with the exception of updates on our daughter. I’m trying to be very cordial for my baby’s sake even though I don’t want to even respond to her texts when she asks how is gabby doing. But that’s her mother and I respond. Everyone on the outside excluding my family believes that what she is doing is the right decision because I was painted as this monster who never cared. It’s heartbreaking to say the least. I went from the strong husband/father who provided and protected to this weekend warrior part time dad who doesn’t get a say in any of the parenting decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 16, 2018 Share Posted September 16, 2018 It's a typical marital history rewrite to justify her actions. You don't need those people in your life anyway. Just cut them out. No matter what her family/friends would probably have sided with her anyway. You can't fix that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Filly4thirteen Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 Just wanted to give y’all an update. The past ten days have been great. I’ve been no contact besides the typical daughter stuff. She’s tried to reach out and get a reaction from me but it’s odd. Before I would have to purposely ignore her texts and advances with the hopes she would get jealous if I ignored her. Now it’s different , I really don’t give a crap. She texted me yesterday that she was going to the er because of her anxiety again. (This was a constant problem in our marriage because she would constantly go to the er instead of her family practitioner) and it would cost an arm and a leg every time. I simply asked why to insure it didn’t involve my daughter. When I didn’t respond after I found out it was her and not my child I felt no urge or desire to say anything else. She responded: I bet your glad you don’t have to deal with me anymore. ... three weeks ago I would have been at the er by her side hoping it would show her I cared and maybe she would take me back, now... I truly don’t give a crap. The only way I can explain it is it’s like a light turned on. I’m done. And it’s truly freeing. I drove a pos car for so long so my wife could drive a nicer car, I went and bought a truck that I always wanted. My daughter is very well taken care of by me and now I’m taking care of myself. Thanks everyone for your kind words. Your constant advice to go no contact has changed my situation in a way I never thought would happen. Thanks guys and gals! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Filly4thirteen Posted September 20, 2018 Author Share Posted September 20, 2018 Filly4thirteen, here's two sentences you wrote, read them again. All you did was try your best to support your family through some difficult and confusing times. All she did was blame you and cheat. Did you meet every one of her emotional needs, delivering happiness like a phone-order pizza? No... But you were in the same struggling marriage she was. Were you unfaithful? There's a thin line between self-examination and self-flagellation. One is healthy, the other only holds you back. Do what feels right for you to live the life you want going forward. She'll either understand and deal with it - or she won't. Keep posting, lots of support and experience here... Mr. Lucky Mr lucky, you said something above that changed my way of thinking. All I did was provide and and she did was cheat. Then you asked if while being in the same struggling marriage was I unfaithful? Absolutely not. Never even texted another woman. When all my friends went to a strip club in a bachelor party. I stayed outside because I was married. Your words struck thru my soul! Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 No contact is freeing. Keep it up. It provides you with even more clarity the longer you apply it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 Mr lucky, you said something above that changed my way of thinking. All I did was provide and and she did was cheat. Then you asked if while being in the same struggling marriage was I unfaithful? Absolutely not. Never even texted another woman. When all my friends went to a strip club in a bachelor party. I stayed outside because I was married. Your words struck thru my soul! Thank you! Trust me Filly4thirteen, I'm neither a deep nor original thinker. Pretty much the same thing happened to me. Basically, my marriage sucked but my head was so buried in my career I didn't see it coming. My conflict avoidant ex had her own issues, plenty of blame to go around. So when it all hit the fan, I proposed, with a 2-year old son involved, we work on our relationship. And she agreed, leaving out the small detail she was already seeing and involved with someone else. Thus began a hollow charade of break-ups, counseling and fake reconciliations, with me trying hard and wondering why no progress was being made. A year wasted while she secretly juggled both of us, I guess holding out for the best offer. So when I finally found out the truth, it was actually a relief to really see her as she was - weak, manipulative and dishonest. Regardless of the outcome, I hope you achieve equal clarity. Keep thinking about the life you want and how you'll get there... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 Have you considered an intermediary for a more complete NC? Your marriage did not fail because of you. This is on her. Do not feed the beast. Link to post Share on other sites
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