calling it quits

[betterdays87]

How do you know when your marriage is over? I just wrote a long question about my marriage that didn't post. So the most succinct thing I can ask is this: I essentially wanted to know from a male vantage why a man might lose all zest for life outside of providing a paycheck (but be seemingly happy with his state). Like tonight my husband was mad at me for asking him to join cubscouts with my 7 year old, even after I offered to take him to the meetings myself. He just doesn't want to be bothered with anything that he doesn't want to do- mowing the lawn, saving for his 401k, taking any vacation, engaging with his kids extracurricular etc etc and it makes me so sad. I feel like I'm married to a stubborn bump on a log. Among so many many other issues, I'm left wondering how do you know when it's time to call it quits?

[Mr. Lucky]

He just doesn't want to be bothered with anything that he doesn't want to do

 

What does he enjoy doing - hobbies, interests, etc? Do you both work? And you said "my 7 year old", is it his son also?

 

Mr. Lucky

[betterdays87]

The only hobby he has is playing golf. He used to enjoy a lot more things- we enjoyed more together. Having young kids takes a lot of that out of the equation, but I think it's a bit extreme in his case. He doesn't make an effort. We have three kids together, our oldest is 7 youngest 2 and I stay home by his request. We both originally wanted me to stay home with the kids, but then I felt a desire to work. He didn't think it was right for our family, so I started a little side business painting from home.

Edited August 31, 2018 by betterdays87

[Happy Lemming]

How is his job?? Is there anything going on at work that has upset him?? Does he get a chance to decompress when he gets home from work or is there a 1,000 things he is hit with as soon as he comes in the door??

 

How is his health?? If he was sick and had no energy would he tell you??

 

Do you make him feel appreciated for his contributions to the home that he does accomplish??

 

What is his reward for making it through the day?? A happy wife, a hot meal and a cold beer??

 

Was this a recent change?? If so, what dynamic in his life has changed??

[betterdays87]

Well I wish my original post had not disappeared because I alluded to a lot of those questions. But generally I think life is pretty stressful/hard for everyone who has three young kids. He does a great job at providing for us, his job is definitely not relaxing but he's home by 6pm every night and when he comes home he is helpful with getting the kids to bed and then he relaxes, makes his food or works out the rest of the night. He won't let me cook for him because he's currently on a carnivore diet where all he eats is meat, mostly red meat/steaks for every single meal- which has been a huge issue for me. This diet is three months in and I am so anxious about his health. All I wanted was for him to be able to get away and spend some quality time with our oldest. But as you can see there are many other issues going on.

[Happy Lemming]

He won't let me cook for him because he's currently on a carnivore diet where all he eats is meat, mostly red meat/steaks for every single meal- which has been a huge issue for me. This diet is three months in and I am so anxious about his health.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head, here. Is he getting any Vitamin C in his diet??

[betterdays87]

No, not much at all. He did recently start eating some blueberries on occasion and even more rarely ice-cream and alcohol, so he's basically a walking heart attack. He follows a guy named Shawn Baker for all his diet info and refuses to listen to any studies/articles I show him. He's never been great at having balance and has pretty much always been one extreme or the other in most areas of life. He also refuses to go to the doctor. I just feel crazy trying to manage and bend to these kinds of decisions that ultimately affect not only him, but me and his kids. I used to love having family dinners, but have said so long to that notion. I should probably be smart and start becoming financially independent. I have stayed home for 8 years. It's an intimidating prospect.

[Happy Lemming]

I don't think it is time to "throw in the towel" on your marriage, but I do think it is time for some balance in his diet or even to see a doctor. An imbalanced diet can cause a whole host of problems and can surely account for his lack of energy, etc.

 

 

Just my two cents...

Edited August 31, 2018 by Happy Lemming

[betterdays87]

I don't want to throw in the towel, a part of me does still love him. But there are too many years of little and big hurts, disappointments that my trust in him has completely disappeared. I don't trust him with my heart anymore at all. The problem is the marriage is dysfunctional. I have asked him to go to the doctor for years and years, but I can't force him. I have no sway in our marriage he does what he wants and thinks fit. He refinanced our house and then dwindled away the money from a loan that was supposed to go to renovating our home. I asked him before he went to get it not to and said I wanted to discuss the pros cons once again- one of them being my major concern over not being disciplined with the money and using it for other things. And now that poor judgment affects me directly. Its not fair. Every birthday every holiday every vacation that I can remember has been ruined because of disagreements where he plays the victim if I ask anything of him that is outside of what he wants to do. A simple thing like taking my son to scouts has become me expecting too much of him. And a major decision on our finances should not be something that I'm made to feel bad about, that I'm a bitchy nagging wife for making any kind of demands on. These are normal standards that he twists around to try to make me feel like I'm playing the role of crazy demanding wife. Is it crazy to want the man to eat some damn vegetables every now and then? Is it crazy to want him to save toward his 401K when his company does a 100% match and he/we have little to no savings to speak of?? I feel physically anxious being in his presence, like at any moment he could do or say something to ruin our family's day. He seems to relish being difficult, and he torments me when we fight by letting the fight go on and on, letting me stay upset. He rarely attempts to confront any issues, making no effort to reconcile and I can not for a second understand why. Of course that is until I say I'm ready to leave, then his ears perk up and acts like he's ready to be on the same team.

[alphamale]

you know it's time to call it quits when you separate for 3 to 6 months and you feel better at the end of the separation and better by yourself.

[Ralph79]

I don't want to throw in the towel, a part of me does still love him. But there are too many years of little and big hurts, disappointments that my trust in him has completely disappeared. I don't trust him with my heart anymore at all. The problem is the marriage is dysfunctional. I have asked him to go to the doctor for years and years, but I can't force him. I have no sway in our marriage he does what he wants and thinks fit. He refinanced our house and then dwindled away the money from a loan that was supposed to go to renovating our home. I asked him before he went to get it not to and said I wanted to discuss the pros cons once again- one of them being my major concern over not being disciplined with the money and using it for other things. And now that poor judgment affects me directly. Its not fair. Every birthday every holiday every vacation that I can remember has been ruined because of disagreements where he plays the victim if I ask anything of him that is outside of what he wants to do. A simple thing like taking my son to scouts has become me expecting too much of him. And a major decision on our finances should not be something that I'm made to feel bad about, that I'm a bitchy nagging wife for making any kind of demands on. These are normal standards that he twists around to try to make me feel like I'm playing the role of crazy demanding wife. Is it crazy to want the man to eat some damn vegetables every now and then? Is it crazy to want him to save toward his 401K when his company does a 100% match and he/we have little to no savings to speak of?? I feel physically anxious being in his presence, like at any moment he could do or say something to ruin our family's day. He seems to relish being difficult, and he torments me when we fight by letting the fight go on and on, letting me stay upset. He rarely attempts to confront any issues, making no effort to reconcile and I can not for a second understand why. Of course that is until I say I'm ready to leave, then his ears perk up and acts like he's ready to be on the same team.

 

I think the troubles with you husband require a different type of solution. Yes his diet can affect his mood. His health could be a factor in his inability to be more proactive, but to be honest, I think you guys need to go see a marriage counselor.

 

You two are not seeing eye to eye on what is expected of one another in this marriage. Based on his behavioral pattern you just described, it seems he feels that the work he does for the paychecks he brings home is his only responsibility. As long as he puts a roof over your head and food on the table, he feels entitled to take the rest of his time off.

 

And, even though he might say otherwise, he truly fails to appreciate the value of YOUR work in the household and as a mother to his children. Given his unwillingness to put you on equal footing when it comes to decisions, it's highly likely that he believes that he bears the brunt of the workload when it comes to his family thus he gets to make all decisions in the end. He may ask your opinion, but just as a way to give you the impression that you were taken into account, even though he gets his way every time.

 

I apologize if I am assuming too much or getting ahead of myself with generalizing his behavior. Usually actions have predictable reactions. Your husband seems like the type of man who has gotten everything he wanted and lives content with keeping everything the way it is. He has to understand that we have to keep growing, and that we can't settle on a limited fixed budget , specially with preteens he needs to take care of.

 

It seems to me that your husband needs a wake up call. I would advise you to use ANY means necessary to get him to join you in marriage counseling. Someone has to objectively point out that you need more out of him from this marriage than just a paycheck.

[betterdays87]

Yes! Exactly, you are 100% correct in your assumptions about him. He knows that as a SAHM with no real work experience/career and three kids that I have no real agency, so he does as he pleases. If I were financially independent and if I didn't worry about screwing up my kids forever I would be long gone. I am at the point of trying a more firm wake up call. In the past it has worked for a time, maybe 2 weeks to a month where everything seems to be ok, then it cycles back around and it has gone that way for years. I'm going to find a counselor and consult a lawyer. Thank you for validating my concerns- it has been hard to talk to anyone about these things.

[WasOtherWoman]

Sounds like maybe it is time to get a job and work towards being more independent so you have more choices in life?

[BaileyB]

Sounds like maybe it is time to get a job and work towards being more independent so you have more choices in life?

 

Exactly this. You need to give yourself some options, because you may need them someday soon...

 

Is it possible that your husband is depressed?

 

Your question is related to your husband - "Help me to understand him and why he does this..."

 

My question is "what do you want for your life, for your children, for your marriage?" You need to determine what is acceptable, and what is not acceptable, to you. Once you do this, you may have a better idea of whether this marriage is meeting your needs... Having a fulfilling partnership and a happy life is more than simply, "he works hard and brings home a good paycheck."

[betterdays87]

I agree with you both. I'm not sure if he's depressed or not. He could be I guess, but I've never known a depressed person to have the will to stick to such an insane diet. It's usually the opposite right? I think what is more likely is that he has coping mechanisms that are unhealthy, maybe OCD tendencies like rigidly controlling his diet or aspects of his health, which usually leaks into him trying to influence my diet/health. Either way, he has told me numerous times that he doesn't really believe in depression so not much hope there.

 

I have so many desires and dreams for my family that I don't even let live anymore mainly because I don't see a future for this one anymore and I don't know if I believe there are many men out there who would want anything to do with a woman who has three young kids. Of course I don't know for sure, but I have divorced friends and the dating scene seems bleak. So I've resigned those ideas of family and find myself trying to come to terms with the idea of raising kids alone for the rest of my life. Are there any moms or dads on here who have been in a similar situation and found a healthier relationship down the road? Thanks

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm gonna jump ahead to the extreme ... but it's not as extreme as it seems.

 

I think it would be a great idea for you to consult with a divorce attorney. Why? ... Not because you now want a divorce or are ready for a divorce ... You may not be at that point yet ... though you sound like you may be getting close ... Anyway, the point of visiting a divorce attorney is to get more informed about your options ... like how much support, or how much of his earnings, would you get in a divorce? Maybe indeed you could live with the kids and be financially OK after a divorce.

 

So the goal of a visit with an attorney is just to help you not feel so helpless and in the control of this man. A divorce attorney would also probably give you some tips on how to establish a bit more financial power in the relationship.

 

My heart really goes out to you when you talked about him making unilateral decisions and refinancing the house and then spending money irresponsibly without your input. And him getting in fights with you on vacations. A close friend of mine was in a marriage like this ... she finally got out ... but the marriage took a toll on her esteem and confidence ... She, like you, was a stay-at-home mom ...

 

Any chance you can get to counseling/therapy? Sounds like your husband really bullied you ... and in a way that got past your defense ... and you may need some real deep support and insight and buildup of confidence in order to skillfully challenge him ... and claim some power in the marriage.

 

It's so important for a man who has a stay-at-home spouse raising three kids to include his spouse in the house decisions ... for one, there's accountability. Men left alone are as likely to do dumb stuff as helpful stuff with money. And two just out of basic commitment to you and to the marriage.

 

There were probably signs early on that your hubby was like this ... but often we miss those ... and by the time we figure things out, we're deep in a mess ... that's why I think counseling and therapy for you would be good ... to encourage you to find a way to have a VOICE in the marriage. I'm a man ... and you may have grown up with the foolish belief that men making good money know what they're doing and have some special male wisdom ... Sorry ... no inherent truth to that ... Some men do ... a lot don't know what they're doing.

 

Also time to start sharing your situation with divorced friends, men and women--people who can also help you think through your feelings and your options. This is not the time to isolate. You need maximum ideas and thinking here.

 

Sorry to hear about this ...

 

Oh ... and unfortunately you know the marriage is over when you reach that "I can't take this any longer" point ... You may be closer there than you think.

Edited September 1, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[thefooloftheyear]

Tough deal....

 

I can tell you that some guys(raises hand) that do what he is doing(being the sole provider), tend to get so immersed with the job of handling everything that they lose themselves in the process...They accept the fact that they are just on this earth to be donkeys or worker bees and that's the life they choose..

 

I do believe he's probably depressed over it....Part of it may be that he thinks there is absolutely no way you could do what he's doing(carrying the load), so he feels like his life simply cannot change from what it is right now..He probably feels that there is just no other option at this point..Not with 3 little kids at that age...

 

I don't think just getting a job to spite him will do anything...If anything, in that scenario the kids will wind up on the short end of that deal...

 

You didn't mention anything about it, and I don't want to be intrusive, but out of curiosity, are you still having sex pretty regularly? If not, that would be another tell tale sign about where his head is at...Also, do you keep yourself pretty fit or have you had some weight gain from the kids and all? It seems like he thinks it's important for him to be in shape...If you aren't on the same page, he may say nothing about it, but it may be something that's secretly bugging him....I have seen this quite a lot...

 

Believe it or not, the frequency of sex may well be whether or not this works out in the end...If he still desires you, then there is a good chance that he's not that depressed and sees the value...If not, then there's a good chance he's "checked out" of the part if the marriage that is the two of you, but feels the obligation to his kids so he trudges on...

 

If there is some good, realize that time does go fast, and once the kids are older the marriage/relationship may come back around...It's hard to say what the best move is at this point...I think you need to know where his head is at, and I don't think he''s telling you what is really on his mind...A lot of guys are like this...They keep it locked up until a breaking point comes..

 

I wish you the best..

 

TFY

[vla1120]

The fact that he perks up and changes his tune whenever you say you are about done indicates there is still something there worth working on. Marriage counseling could help. Maybe you taking a part time job in the evening and/or on weekends could also help. At the very least, maybe it would help you to have some adult interaction.

 

Still get involved in cub scouts. Maybe he'll come around in time. Either way, it would be a good experience for your son and he might end up being the one to get his dad involved by talking to him about his experiences and asking him why he never comes when all the other dads are there. Kid guilt - the great equalizer.