Struggling to cope.. spouse had emotional affair

[RaspberryBeret]

New to this community, Thank you for reading I may be confusing to follow, but going to get right to the issues.

 

After 8 yrs of marriage (14 yrs together) my husband confessed he no longer wants a relationship or a marriage any longer. He claimed that he wanted to focus on what made him happy which was his career and his friends and of course our son, but as in a relationship with me he no longer saw us as compatible partners and that he's been conflicted with "leading me on" with the idea of me wanting a future together.

 

This has ripped me apart as of late, I can't sleep I have my ok good days where I say I can move on and I will not fight for us any longer and I will not beg him to stay or force him to be with me knowing that he doesn't love me or wants to be with me but the pain is still very much alive and it seems to be the only thing I can think about, talk about and complain about. Seeing him everyday doesn't help either.

 

After he confessed I gave him space and I let him sleep on the couch until he figured out where he would be living while we were separated, I admit I said we should just get a divorce since he clearly didn't want to me a husband any longer. And with our ROCKY marriage we were flirting with divorce for the past 3 years. He had an emotion affair with a coworker and after almost a year of trying to navigate through we decided to give our marriage a fighting chance since we have so much history and our son depended on our marriage and happiness, I forgave his mistakes and wanted to have faith in him to finally start being honest and open with me. After 2 years of what I thought was a working marriage he hits me with this confession, out of the blue,, (he went out with some friends for dinner, didn't come home until 2-3am then the next morning he knew I was upset at him and that night he broke up with me.) I think I was still in a "honeymoon" trance and ignored all the red flags that he was clearly not in at as much as I was. I honestly think he resented me for making him give up his "best friend" (thats what he called her when i found out about them) and maybe he was pretending all the while I was excited about our "new future" together we BOTH planned on having another baby, buying our first home and even planning a 10 yr wedding renewal ceremony within the next 3 yrs. I think I got caught up with the excitement of it all bc this is all I ever wanted for us. And I thought he was really in for all of it.

 

But clearly I was just a fool. After he confessed this true feelings I find out that he was still in contact with the "best friend" he had an emotional affair with. I didn't ask him to go into detail of how long they have been keeping up this "friendship" but he swears they haven't gotten physical and she didn't contribute to his decision to break us up. I just know that I can't trust him any longer after leading me on for so long, for all I know he could of been keeping her as a "friend" for the past 2 years we've been trying to work on our marriage. And in a way I don't really want to know the truth. But in our counseling sessions he does explain that she understands him better than anyone else and makes him feel special and that he can be himself when he's with her. So clearly they have some history or connection that I can't compete with and I no longer want to compete with.

 

So here we are heading towards divorce even though this was the last thing I ever wanted , and the way its ending I don't even know whether or not he's going to pursue a relationship with this girl. So how do I even explain this to our friends I really don't want to go around and spill dirt on him and it's strange when we're in a generation of social media, since the breakup I've deactivated my instagram mainly due to the fact that all I ever posted were "picture perfect moments of us as a family " where all our friends would like and compliment us on being the "perfect gorgeous couple" in a way it's my karma for playing "perfect house" when things were really a mess for quite some time. In a way I got what I deserve. I'm sure the moms around the play ground would love to hear about any of this...so now what.. that we are anything from perfect, I haven't really told anyone what happened not even my close friends because I don't even know what to say or how to explain. Do I tell them the truth that "my husband broke up with me to be single again?" Its just down right embarrassing ! I'm not a really good lair, so If i do come up with some lie I'm sure they will not believe me and just assume one of us cheated and was outed which isn't really what I want out there, its funny bc even after all this I don't want anyone being mad at him or hating him for what he did, in a way he was finally being honest with me and didn't drag this out for much longer , just imagine if we did have more kids and we did buy a home, he probably would of left anyway and left me with a mortgage and more smaller children. Every cloud has a silver lining right..?

 

Well I guess I'm just looking for some insight. Does anyone have any perspective on how to handle this all? Maybe someone who's gone down a similar path.. maybe someone who left their wife/husband can share what they were feeling at the time , and what to say to friends and family maybe how to soften the blow of it all?

Sorry for all this I'm just really lost and I would appreciate any advice.

 

Thanks in advance LS lovers.

[BluesPower]

First off, let's get real... The first thing that you need to understand is that his EA has been a physical affair from almost the beginning.

 

It is just a fact. Adults have sex when they are in close proximity.

 

Further, you and he handled his affair the worst possible way, rug swept.

 

And it was not a mistake, it was a clear and conscious choice that he made to cheat.

 

Having said all of that, it does not really matter now. For what ever reason, the affair, or just life, he has lost the love that he once had for you.

 

As difficult as this is for you, there is nothing to save here and you will just have to move on.

 

Frankly, this seems to happen to men more that it happens to women, not that it matters.

 

You need to get a lawyer and get all that you have coming to you from the marriage.

 

But I do urge you to get counseling for yourself, and see if there was anything in the marriage or in yourself that you want to change for your next relationship.

 

I know this hurts, but you really do not want to be with someone that does not love you, you are worthy of love and to be loved...

[salparadise]

In addition to what Blues said, I think a big part of your distress is having kept all of this hidden from friends and family and pretending that nothing was wrong. Cheaters always live a double life... but in this case you have done the same to try and avoid the shame of having been cheated on. You feel inauthentic and you have no support system because you've been complicit in carrying on the deception.

 

I know this is really hard for you, but I think you have to get real with yourself and everyone in order to quit being mired in shame. You did nothing wrong, it's not your burden. Talk to your counselor and commit to coming clean to yourself and the whole world so that you can live an authentic life and be exactly who you are. It will be liberating. Your friends will come to your support and the weight of the world will be lifted. Yes, you'll still have to grieve and recover from your loss, but you'll also be able to receive the love and caring of all the other people in your life. They will respect you for being authentic allowing them to support you through this major life transition. You will learn to be proud of yourself instead of being ashamed. You will learn to accept that you are worthy and lovable, and that what your husband did does not define you. When you can tell your story honestly and openly to the people who care about you it will be a turning point.

[Fugu]

I would worry less about what your friends think and focus on repairing your life first.

 

Assuming there is no chance of going back, I would start finding an amicable (to the degree possible) way to separate and figure out how you're going to work out custody of your child. Start working out the details of your finances. You and your soon-to-be ex need to actually sit down and start mapping this out. It's important to have clarity, but it's also important to make this real to your husband.

 

All of that is far more important than what your friends think. They can think whatever they want. I would just tell them "We've decided to go in different directions" and leave it at that until you're ready to open up more. I'd avoid specifics; I wouldn't comment on his desire to be single again - let them figure that out, or not. Again, who cares? If they're your true friends, they will support you, and if not, then life goes on and you make new friends.

[FMW]

You do need to share with friends and family, making it clear the marriage is over. They are going to find out and there will be less "drama" if it doesn't just come out of the blue. But it's up to you HOW MUCH you share with them. Only tell them what you are comfortable telling.

 

It would most likely be very helpful to you though if you have at least one person you trust to share more with. Talking it through with someone, even just ranting or crying about it, can be very helpful in beginning to heal.

[Marc878]

It takes two to make a marriage.

 

Your H is neck deep in his affair. You had nothing to do with that decision he made. This is the real him.

 

You will be fine long term.

 

Good luck

[Lotsgoingon]

What do you tell friends, you ask. Well, just that question unfortunately tells me a lot about your marriage and how you ended up in the disaster you're in.

 

The question presumes that marriage and simple living is a public performance for others ... a performance in which we wear a costume and mask, and show only our good sides ... and then step off the stage to great applause. You aren't living--you are performing. There's a difference.

 

We cripple ourselves if we don't share what's REALLY going on in our lives (including our marriage) with good friends--and sometimes acquaintances--all along the way. Refusing to share honestly is a form of self-imposed cult isolation. Cults block people from sharing with others, block them from having friends ... Why? Because talking to others can give you smarts and a wide range of ideas.

 

No wonder you missed the red flags. You closed your eyes ... you didn't get others to help you notice what you seeing ... The performance focus most likely blocked real communication between you and your hubby. So this is your agenda for the future right here: getting open and honest and developing real friendships.

 

By the way, the "technical" for the way your hubby feels he can talk with his woman friend ... is intimacy, closeness. Familiar term, but many people miss its importance. Here's the truth: you cannot be intimate and focused on appearance and performance at the same time. Your question about what to tell people loudly suggests a focus on appearance and performance. Letting go and shifting to a focus on real intimacy ... that's your next agenda right there.

 

So what do you tell people? Tell them what the daughter of a friend of mine told people when ten days before her wedding, her fiance dumped her.

 

Daughter called her bridesmaids and told them the truth: that her fiance called her immature, dumped her and canceled the wedding.

 

What did her friends think? ...

 

Well here's what they did ... These ten bridesmaids and friends, hearing this news, immediately got on airplanes and hopped in cars and made a b-line for daughter's home, where the daughter lay on the floor sobbing in fetal position.

 

Those friends huddled and cuddled and took care of her for the full weekend. That's what friends do ... The way you're thinking, you would have made up a story about fiance dumping you ... And you would have missed out on all that love from your friends.

 

Daughter is now happily married to a different guy ... about to give birth to her second child.

[brigit87]

After 8 yrs of marriage (14 yrs together) my husband confessed he no longer wants a relationship or a marriage any longer. He claimed that he wanted to focus on what made him happy which was his career and his friends and of course our son, but as in a relationship with me he no longer saw us as compatible partners and that he's been conflicted with "leading me on" with the idea of me wanting a future together.

 

I honestly think he resented me for making him give up his "best friend" (thats what he called her when i found out about them)

 

Get therapy and get a divorce. Don't look back.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I would worry less about what your friends think and focus on repairing your life first.

 

Assuming there is no chance of going back, I would start finding an amicable (to the degree possible) way to separate and figure out how you're going to work out custody of your child. Start working out the details of your finances. You and your soon-to-be ex need to actually sit down and start mapping this out. It's important to have clarity, but it's also important to make this real to your husband.

 

All of that is far more important than what your friends think. They can think whatever they want. I would just tell them "We've decided to go in different directions" and leave it at that until you're ready to open up more. I'd avoid specifics; I wouldn't comment on his desire to be single again - let them figure that out, or not. Again, who cares? If they're your true friends, they will support you, and if not, then life goes on and you make new friends.

 

 

 

 

 

I agree 100%. no one is on your relationship but you. If you "friends" have a problem with it, they are not friends. Pride has nothing to do with emotion. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT YOU TELL OR DO NOT TELL YOUR FRIENDS. Do what feels most comfortable.

[stillafool]

Yeah when he came home that time at 3AM he was with her and they had sex. He's lying and I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your son. Thank God you didn't buy that house and have another baby.

[RaspberryBeret]

I would worry less about what your friends think and focus on repairing your life first.

 

Assuming there is no chance of going back, I would start finding an amicable (to the degree possible) way to separate and figure out how you're going to work out custody of your child. Start working out the details of your finances. You and your soon-to-be ex need to actually sit down and start mapping this out. It's important to have clarity, but it's also important to make this real to your husband.

 

All of that is far more important than what your friends think. They can think whatever they want. I would just tell them "We've decided to go in different directions" and leave it at that until you're ready to open up more. I'd avoid specifics; I wouldn't comment on his desire to be single again - let them figure that out, or not. Again, who cares? If they're your true friends, they will support you, and if not, then life goes on and you make new friends.

Thanks for this response, we are doing exactly that.. he's found an apartment and on his way to completely moving his things out this month. We are separated financially and he's finally realizing what a divorce really means.

Our friends still don't know, but everyone is right about me ,, it's not that i'm overly concerned about what they would think ,, we have talked through most of the important things already like how to tell our son and how to we want to co-parent, shared time, and what he's financially responsible for until the final paper work is done and we have decided to go through mediation to try to make this amicable for all of us.

I guess what I wanted was just some insight on how others dealt with the embarrassment of being "left" ...I know i'm obsessed about all of this and I'm going to be seeing a therapist and I know I'll be fine in the long run.. and the friends that matter will support me or us . I guess the truth will eventually come out I just feel extremely self conscious about it all because I do feel like I gave so much of myself in this marriage and I did everything I could to be a good wife and a good mother, I just didn't see him ever deciding to leave me. i guess it's just a huge blow to my ego. I know I just need to rip off the bandage and say "we're over and moving on" .

Thanks for the support!

[RaspberryBeret]

Yeah when he came home that time at 3AM he was with her and they had sex. He's lying and I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your son. Thank God you didn't buy that house and have another baby.

I know.. everyone i've talked to about this keeps telling me the same thing.. he still denies it ...could people be so good at lying?..bc it just seems like he's being honest when he says he's never had sex with her but i guess i'm just that naive to believe him but it doesn't even matter at this point, I'm ready to move on and he can keep his secrets to him self for all I care.

It does eat me up inside just not knowing the truth of what happened, but Ill just need to give it time and know I'll get over it one day...here's to hoping.

[RaspberryBeret]

Get therapy and get a divorce. Don't look back.

I get it.. i'm doing both since he's leaving me I don't really have a choice in the divorce and I'm definitely going to therapy. have you been through something similar and maybe have a happy ending story after divorce? Its just all super scary to me.. I'm a mom in my 30's and now single... the future is looking bleak :/

[RaspberryBeret]

First off, let's get real... The first thing that you need to understand is that his EA has been a physical affair from almost the beginning.

 

It is just a fact. Adults have sex when they are in close proximity.

 

Further, you and he handled his affair the worst possible way, rug swept.

 

And it was not a mistake, it was a clear and conscious choice that he made to cheat.

 

Having said all of that, it does not really matter now. For what ever reason, the affair, or just life, he has lost the love that he once had for you.

 

As difficult as this is for you, there is nothing to save here and you will just have to move on.

 

Frankly, this seems to happen to men more that it happens to women, not that it matters.

 

You need to get a lawyer and get all that you have coming to you from the marriage.

 

But I do urge you to get counseling for yourself, and see if there was anything in the marriage or in yourself that you want to change for your next relationship.

 

I know this hurts, but you really do not want to be with someone that does not love you, you are worthy of love and to be loved...

Thanks for your insight,

he stills denies denies denies,, it does drive me crazy to not know the real truth but i know I will be fine in the long run. I'm just curious not to pry but how you been in a similar situation where you know that it had turned into sex and not just a EA relationship? although ive told him I felt was even worst that just a sexual affair.. to me I rather have had him sleep with another and get over it and prove to me that he's in this marriage for the long haul then to be attached to her emotional and want to be connected to her on a daily basis. But all that doesn't matter anymore right.. were going our separate ways and he'll have whats coming to him.

Thanks for the insight. I can't say it helps me to know he was cheating the entire time but I know either way I do deserve way better than what he's been putting me through. Thanks for the support!

[d0nnivain]

There is no embarrassment at being "left". People get divorced all the time. Your husband isn't the 1st spouse to cheat.

 

Nobody other than you will care. Maybe a few people will feel sorry for you. Not in a pathetic way but in a compassionate poor Raspberry Barret, I feel so bad that her heart is broken.

 

Hold your head up. You tried to hold your marriage together. It didn't work. So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off & do what's best for your son.

 

You will be 30 & unmarried. So what? There are lots of people in your boat. The future is not bleak. It is scary because you didn't want this change. But you never know. This door is closing. All that means is a new window will open in the future. Hang in there.

[stillafool]

I too just want to assure you that YOU certainly have nothing to be embarrassed about. If you have been a good wife and mother I'm sure those who know you know this about you and will have sympathy. Everyone will put the blame where it lies which is on your husband. Hold your head high as you will get more support than you imagined. Try not to push people away when they want to support you.

[brigit87]

I get it.. i'm doing both since he's leaving me I don't really have a choice in the divorce and I'm definitely going to therapy. have you been through something similar and maybe have a happy ending story after divorce? Its just all super scary to me.. I'm a mom in my 30's and now single... the future is looking bleak :/

 

I haven't been through something similar because I wouldn't tolerate the stuff you did. I'm from the school of "men and women can't be friends." Unless, one of them is gay.

 

Your future is bright. You'll be a hot mom in her 30's and you'll find a nice man. You won't but up with "oh but she's just a friend" crap this time.

[Lotsgoingon]

RaspberryBeret,

 

One of the great things about the modern world these days ... is people don't judge you based on a breakup.

 

For one, most people who are married are secretly feeling like they are hanging on by the skin of their teeth. They know marriages can go bad.

 

People are overwhelmed enough with their own lives ... Or put it like this ... you are worried about being "left." Let me tell you what the deal is ... as a guy.

 

I see a woman who is divorced and her guy "left" here, I don't give a blank. My mind is likely to think:

 

• Lots couples break up.
   
   
  
• Divorce is often the best option given the alternatives.
   
   
  
• The guy might have been a jerk ...
  

 

All guys care about ... is that you are divorced and ready to date again ... So that's one side ...

 

And on the other side, a lot of women (not all of course) will assume the guy was the jerk and main cause of the marital problems.

 

Seriously no shaming goes on ... And as you tell your story to more and more people, you will see how kind they are in response.

 

You're in for an amazing experience as you start walking around as a divorced person ... and you realize no one is shaming you or judging you--at all!

[BluesPower]

Thanks for this response, we are doing exactly that.. he's found an apartment and on his way to completely moving his things out this month. We are separated financially and he's finally realizing what a divorce really means.

Our friends still don't know, but everyone is right about me ,, it's not that i'm overly concerned about what they would think ,, we have talked through most of the important things already like how to tell our son and how to we want to co-parent, shared time, and what he's financially responsible for until the final paper work is done and we have decided to go through mediation to try to make this amicable for all of us.

I guess what I wanted was just some insight on how others dealt with the embarrassment of being "left" ...I know i'm obsessed about all of this and I'm going to be seeing a therapist and I know I'll be fine in the long run.. and the friends that matter will support me or us . I guess the truth will eventually come out I just feel extremely self conscious about it all because I do feel like I gave so much of myself in this marriage and I did everything I could to be a good wife and a good mother, I just didn't see him ever deciding to leave me. i guess it's just a huge blow to my ego. I know I just need to rip off the bandage and say "we're over and moving on" .

Thanks for the support!

 

Here is the deal about this... I am sure that after the fact of what has happened that you could go back and pick things that you maybe should not have done, of things that you should have done, and everyone does that.

 

But here is the bottom line, he had an affair, that is the truth of it and whether he is ever with her or not, it really does not matter.

 

You feeling bad about yourself or self conscious about anything is just foolishness.

 

This is all on him, and you just need to hold your head high, and move on with your life.

 

But this type of thinking is just not where you want to be. One day, as you are older and wiser now, you will meet a man that will love and cherish you. And you will be happy with that.

 

Just don't be stupid about any red flags, such as, anger, weirdness, shadiness, bad at sex, and expect them to get better. Find the right one.

 

Just take your time and live your life and it will get better...

[Jamess1]

Men don't struggle with guilt as much as women do; always trying to downplay things.e.g we just kissed, but yet it was more

 

I don't think he slept with her, if he did,it was probably the day he came late and broke up with you. Where there multiple different women he cheated with in the past ? If it's one specific lady, he probably didnt cheat, she probably just made him realise for certain what he had always being suspicious of, that he no longer loves u, and wasn't happy staying married.

 

Emotionally stable, mature men don't just leave a marriage just because of seks.

[LifesontheUp]

Nothing to feel embarassed about. He's done you a favour before you have another child and got tied up with more money on a new house.

 

 

You are young; younger than I was when my xH had his affair. You may not think it now but you will move on and you will heal. Turn to family and friends to help you through this tough time. The future is bright with out a liar and cheater I can assure you - been there done that and came out the other side

[MidnightBlue1980]

have you been through something similar and maybe have a happy ending story after divorce? Its just all super scary to me.. I'm a mom in my 30's and now single... the future is looking bleak :/

 

There are many happy endings after divorce. You sound really young and that's okay. I'm sorry you are going through this. My story is different, no affairs, but my ex h was abusive so I found myself in a strange city, separated, literally not one person I even knew. I was also in my 30s. I had many adventures and stories. Lots of dating and crazy tales. I ended up getting remarried in my late 30s and now I am quite boring with kids, house, home biz and a dog.

 

It's all good. You don't see this but this guy did you a favor. You have tons of time left to have your own crazy stories, meet someone and be delightfully boring like me.

[RaspberryBeret]

thats what I keep hearing.. it's just a whole other world when we have a child to think about. I've tried my hardest to keep it together for his sake, even when i just don't want to get out of bed I know I have to go to work and to keep the train going for him. Currently no fun nights out, or crazy stories when you're a working mom and you just don't have the required energy to go out at night anymore. Plus I really don't know anyone else who is single and wants to hang out at bars anymore, they rather be home with their kids and husbands.

plus what r the rules when it comes to "dating" when youre legally married?! We haven't filed anything yet because he said he would take care of the mediator but its been 5 months and still no appts. or papers filed.

I just don't want rumors to go flying if anyone finds out i'm seeing other people when we are still legally married. so it's all wine nights in an empty bed for this mama. :\

[RaspberryBeret]

thank you, I am "young" lol but im terrified that I may not be legally divorced until I'm out of my child bearing years.. i would hate to be in my 40s when I finally move on to wanting another child. it's just all a completely screwed up situation, my ex hasn't even filed papers yet, but he insist that he will handle it. I just have to wait around for his next move.

[RaspberryBeret]

i'm trying my hardest to suck it up and be an adult , even though everyday i could really lie in bed and cry all day and night.. but i get up every morning, get my son going , then head to work and fake a smile and small talk all day then back home and keep the train running for another day. then all over again.

 

I keep hearing that things will get better but when and how? Especially my ex keeps making matters harder and harder. he has always been harsh and cold but since he left me he has said things I never thought he could ever say to me.

 

ie; "i don't love you anymore.. not the way you love me.."

"i'm leaving you not my son"

"you just have to figure it out for yourself,"

and to top it all off with a cherry on top he admits " one thing led to another and we (his EA Partner) are sleeping together"

 

the same person he claimed had no influence with his decision to break up with me. sure .. how convenient you two just randomly found each others privates right after you leave your wife of 8 years.

 

How does one process these things,, I try to not let it get to me, I fake every smile and every conversation with him especially, it takes something out of me every time we have to be around each other and i don't just hit him with a bat. I have to drive by their office twice everyday on my way to work bc the building is right by the freeway I have to take to work. I know how crazy I look trying to see if she's driving home in one of the cars passing by after work.

 

How do I stop caring? or stop obsessing over everything he's said and done. and every little clue that confirmed he lied about everything in our marriage.. I've over talked everyone who lent an ear and I know they're tired of hearing all the stupid [stuff] I go on and on about.. I won't even want to hang out with me anymore. When does the fun divorce stuff happen? It's like no one really cares about what's happening . but i understand everyone has their own [stuff] to deal with. that's why all i ever do is stay inside and binge watch netflix and fall asleep in an empty bed.

 

While by ex husband gets to call /visit my son whenever he wants some nights doesn't call at all, and just send a few checks every month and parades himself around us like hes our lord and savior for still being around and not completely neglecting our son. And now knowing that he's having all the divorced fun sleeping with his lover and being with her whenever he wants (living alone coming and going whenever he pleases) ..when does it get any better for us..?

Edited August 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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