Jump to content

my spouse is a narcissist


Recommended Posts

wow its just so hard to be in a relationship with a person like this, she litlerly gets so angry and takes out all her anger on me , if i mention it she always has a back door exit, or says that im being a victim.

 

she contstantly kicks me out of our home. i dont even have a house key.

 

shes in a subcouncious sexual relationship with her daughter, i read about this online, it means that a parent and child become codepended oneachother that they act like a relationship and all the rules applly, except actually sexual activities obviously.

 

which is ruining our relationship.

 

she wont except appologies , even when its not my fault and i still apologize, and she wont ever appologize. ever.

 

its always a game, where im chasing, and saying sorry, and shes angry and rejecting. the rejecting is so constant that its anoying as hell. i cant stand it. ill say cant we just stop fighting, and its always anger and NOs and **** offs ,

 

i know its obvious tha ti should leave, its just so much work to leave and pack up and find a new place and go to court for custody of the baby and , i feel trapped, if theres any millionaires out there who want to help me out please help hah

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are trapped. But it's a prison of your own making, even if not intentional. If she's as abusive as you say, and all you do is beg and plead for her to treat you with some dignity, then there is more than one codependent relationship. The whole sordid arrangement is dysfunctional.

 

You just need to leave. Do you have any support––family, friends, etc.? Are you in counseling, and if not then why not? The reason it seems like too much work is that you've been diminished and broken and you can't even muster the motivation to save yourself.

 

Get some of (or all) the money in an account with your name only, rent an apartment, hire a lawyer, and file for divorce or legal separation (depending on the state) and ask for at least 50/50 custody of the child. Get a lawyer that will help understand and work through all of it. Get into counseling. Lean on friends. You have to rebuild your life. There is no other choice.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

nosleep08,

Please, and I say this kindly, stop trying to be an armchair psychologist and take steps to get out of this situation.

 

 

As salparadise says, get legal advice and take it from there.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I know its obvious tha ti should leave, its just so much work to leave and pack up and find a new place and go to court for custody of the baby and , i feel trapped

 

It sounds like it is much harder work to stay.

 

As the others have said, you need to get yourself a lawyer...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a little confused about the situation with the child or children. You speak of the daughter as 'her' daughter so I'm assuming that she's a child from another relationship? Then you mention a baby. So, 2 kids are involved and one of them is yours?

 

Whatever the case, I think you know you need to get out of there. You can't help yourself or your child by remaining in such a twisted environment. Not even having keys to the place you live? That's completely insane. If nothing else, the next time she throws you out, leave, withdraw half the money out of your bank account, and don't go back.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I'm a little confused about the situation with the child or children. You speak of the daughter as 'her' daughter so I'm assuming that she's a child from another relationship? Then you mention a baby. So, 2 kids are involved and one of them is yours?

 

Whatever the case, I think you know you need to get out of there. You can't help yourself or your child by remaining in such a twisted environment. Not even having keys to the place you live? That's completely insane. If nothing else, the next time she throws you out, leave, withdraw half the money out of your bank account, and don't go back.

 

yes theres 3 kids , her daughter my daughter and our baby. not a day goes past where shes not mad, or upset, its like walking on egg shells. what i mean by her being dependent on her daughter, shes only 11 and her mom gives her house keys. but not me, her daughter is allowed to go into the fridge and eat freely , but not me, and she even knows her face book pass words n cell phone passwords, but not me, i cant even use her cellphone to make a call. she treats my child from a previous relationship different than hers. she even gets her 11 year old to "help" me watch the baby when shes gone, like i cant do it on my own. on top of that there is just so much un equality and hipocrytism that its making me depressed.

 

i cant talk to her about anything , if i bring up an issue she will find a way to point a finger. but if she brings up an issue and i say well didnt you just do that yesterday, she will say it was in the past it doesnt matter, you know like she wont own up to anything and i find my self always appologizing and being the one to put out the fire. but she wont stop.

 

its like once shes on a roll or power trip because she knows that i will give in and just want to be in love, she uses that ot her advantage and rejects me over and over to the point where shes screaming saying leave me alone.

 

and thats what baffles me. i have to leave her alone like 10 times a day until the days over. and the majority of our fights are the same thing, ill get home from work. she is cold and attitude ish, and when i question her on whats going on or if shes okay, she freaks out on me and tells me to leave.

 

id say she was cheating but i know thats not the case. after years of studying this build up. i think i have come to the conclusion that

 

she either thinks that i am not good enough and she can do way better,

 

or she self conciously competes with her siblings for a better life style, and out of her 4 sisters shes in second place with a middle class life style. i know it might sound crazy, but just seeing how fake she is when every one comes around and how high class she tries to act. its very disterbing. its like she tries to suddenly dress with wine glasses and fancy stuff, which theres nothnig wrong with, but when she sees me come home from work dirty and sweating, its like that pisses her off , like shed rather be with a man in a suit.

 

i know im rambling here, but theres much more details and i cant type them all, this is just the final bases i have concluded

Link to post
Share on other sites

The problem is, you're teaching your wife that it's ok to trample all over you. Simply by staying, you're teaching her that.

 

Honestly, I have no idea why you're still there. If you think this situation is fixable, it's not. You don't have to spell out any more details about what your wife is like. I get the picture. I know what abusers are like. This is how she operates and how she'll operate from now until she draws her last breath. And, btw, what do you think you're doing to your daughter by involving her in this sordid mess? Someday you're going to have to answer to her as to why your let a step-parent ruin her life. What answer will you give her? What answer will be good enough? I can save you the suspense - there is no answer that's good enough. Not one.

 

Just cut out the cancer and WALK AWAY. It really is that simple. Deal with the fall-out later, whatever comes. You'll be free of this monster, your daughter will be free of it, and your other child will at least get some opportunity to get away from it when he/she is older. This is really a no-brainer.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ah, you are raising three children in this unhealthy mess of a marriage.

 

My friend, you have an obligation to those children - give them a safe, stable, and happy home. That will not happen with your wife.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
yes theres 3 kids , her daughter my daughter and our baby. not a day goes past where shes not mad, or upset, its like walking on egg shells. what i mean by her being dependent on her daughter, shes only 11 and her mom gives her house keys. but not me, her daughter is allowed to go into the fridge and eat freely , but not me, and she even knows her face book pass words n cell phone passwords, but not me, i cant even use her cellphone to make a call. she treats my child from a previous relationship different than hers. she even gets her 11 year old to "help" me watch the baby when shes gone, like i cant do it on my own. on top of that there is just so much un equality and hipocrytism that its making me depressed.

 

My friend, there’s no way this happens without your cooperation. She’s not just a narcissist, you’re a doormat by choice. Your house, you get a key. Your phone, you get the password. Unless that happens, no house or phone. Not really that hard.

 

Man up...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Narcissists do not change. You have two daughters, one with this woman. Is this the example you want to set for your daughters? Is it really okay with you that your 11-yr-old step-daughter has a key to your home and you don't? I just spent the last four years living with someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. I stayed because he has cancer and I felt I was strong enough to deal with it. However my children are grown and it was only the two of us. As it is, I stayed WAY too long and it took a serious toll on me. Had there been children in the mix, I would have packed up and gotten out of there before you could say NPD!! Get out before there is any further damage to those kids.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
Neveragainagain

Hello,

When I started reading this I thought I had written it! I was in the same situation for 2 years (the previous 2, prior to marrying were amazing). A marriage of two halves.

Not only did she continually push me away, she deprived me of opinions and would not discuss anything. If I tried, she just walked out or told me I was over-sensitive. All the affection and love she showed me before we got married vanished on our wedding night. She withdrew all of this. I spent 2 years trying to make her happy, lived to love her and got nothing in return. She left me twice and both times had a holiday abroad with her daughters and took her wedding ring off whilst she was away.

 

She has two adult daughters, one of them lived with us, and they acted like they were the ones in love. Her daughter used to follow us to our bedroom and try and get in bed with us! Somedays I could have been sick it was so awful. They also used the bathroom together. I said it made me uncomfortable and they accused me of there being something wrong with me. They also rejected my daughter and I had to see her outside of the home as she was no longer welcome in the new home. I'll never forgive myself for allowing that to happen. I even owned the house!!!

 

My wife and her daughter moved out together a few months ago. (After she inherited several 1000 pounds). I tried to 'date' my wife to save our marriage and agreed to live separately if that was going to help. We had a few weekends away together over the summer which were lovely and she texted me everyday to say she loved me. We went out for a meal or a walk once a week. I asked her to stay over the other weekend and she just said no, she doesn't have any feelings for me other than those of a friend. And that was that. She left. Cold as stone.

 

She came to collect the rest of her things a few days ago. I said 'I never thought this would happen to us' and she just said 'can I take the microwave if you're not using it? Sums it all up really.

I am heartbroken and confused. I miss the woman I spent the first two years with but I think she may not have been authentic. I am trying to make sense of things but can't.

All I can say is, in time, I think I will be relieved to be out of this dysfunctional family and no longer on the rollercoaster of trying to make someone happy who likes to live with drama and chaos and with conflict. If I'm honest with myself she has been cruel and unkind at best.

You need to be honest with yourself too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...