She wants a divorce.

[Kingcole82]

My wife and I met in Jan 2010, we married in Sept 2011 then I deployed (#2) to Afghanistan for a year, I returned home and we had our first baby in July 2013, we got our first house in 2016. We have had our ups and downs through the relationship. However we have continued to progress in a positive direction.

 

To give a back story about me; I grew up with no father or mother. It was just me and my brother for the most part. Most of her problems with me stemmed from trust issues; there has never been any infidelities though. She also says I'm cold at times and have no empathy.

 

I can be like that at times. I think it's because how I was raised and the military. On top of that having no real guidance on how a relationship is supposed to be. Anyways I'm just coming off of my 3rd deployment. When we left I thought we were on okay terms. One of the downs was a few months before I left she had a health scare.

 

I'm health conscious and I always push for her to be healthier but the way I did it she didn't agree with; looking back at it I should have been more supportive instead of scolding. I've been home for a week now from the deployment.

 

Within that time she has told me she doesn't want to be married to me anymore and as soon as she can get situated she wants a divorce. I don't want a divorce and pleaded with her. She's been distant physically with me too.

 

I know I have my faults but I try to work on them. I don't have any good male friend's to talk about my relationship problems with. That's why I came here. Two weeks before I got home I started reading "The 5 Love Languages" The book was an eye opener into how my past relationships have been.

 

What I thought I was doing right was wrong. When I got home I was wanting to start somewhat fresh correcting my wrongs with what I had learned from the book. Now I think it's too late. What do I do?

[carhill]

Welcome to LS and my sympathies...

 

Generally, women with young children, absent spousal abuse/infidelity, don't get distant and/or talk divorce unless there's a monkeybranch, e.g. another guy to land on.

 

Military guys get their fair share, unfortunately. I remember going to the retirement event (20 years) of a military corpsman who was the H of one of my wife's friends, and him getting the message in the parking lot after the event. His wife had been banging one of her fellow EMT's while he was stationed in Guam. He was devastated. Long marriage cooked.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now I think it's too late.

 

May indeed be true, no way of knowing right now.

 

As Carhill has pointed out, you should know what you're up against. Check any cell phone, email and/or social media accounts you have access to and look for unusual activity. No need to describe it, you'll know when you see it.

 

Marriage counseling would be a normal suggestion but it's useless if she's involved elsewhere. You guys pay a stiff price for serving our country, you have my sympathy and appreciation. Keep posting, lots of good advice here from others who have already gone down the road...

 

Mr. Lucky

[submart]

Welcome home!

 

Would she be agreeable to marriage therapy to work through your issues? It's odd that she is doing this all of a sudden unless she is strictly a conflict avoider. Or like others said met somebody else. She will deny this so you may have to do some digging. Look for signs.

 

With regards to the empathy thing, that can indeed be due to military training and experiences. Ask her more specific questions about this i.e. what you do/say and when.

 

Is she still at home with you?

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill online just to be sure.

[bathtub-row]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I always say it's never too late but this is not the time to push her. Sometimes you have to let someone go so that they'll come back to you. I know it sounds corny but it could happen.

 

When I left my husband years ago, it was the last thing I wanted to do but he had become so controlling I just wanted to shoot myself. A few months after we were separated, he was standing outside at the house and something really tugged at me. I remember thinking that if he could've only stopped trying to control me, I would've gone back to him in a heartbeat. I was even dating someone at that time, someone I loved a lot. Still, I would've left that guy to get my marriage back.

 

If you can be a little warmer and less preachy, or improve in ways you think you need to, you could win her back. I really doubt that she wants to end this marriage. Most people don't want that.

[carhill]

So, OP, you shared a lot of self-reflection. Back when you were dating, that year between meeting and being married, were you similarly occasionally cold and lacking empathy? If yes, how did that go over then? If no, what changed?

 

Oh, forgot an important anecdote... if not for a situation like yours I wouldn't exist, as my father's first wife left him while he was in Italy dealing with the Italians and Germans in WW2 and took his two daughters whom he never saw again. Young military guy off fighting the war like millions of others. She landed on a nice man, coincidentally. I still have the letters she sent him and his typed letters, and the typewriter he used. That really devastated him. It was nearly six years before he met my mother and another two before marrying her. They were married for life. He was a gentle guy, not overtly emotional but not a stone either.

 

This is shared to show you how life can go. Seems kinda sucky right now. Work on you and accept that you have no control over her. There are billions of hers on the planet. If she's done, another will come your way.

[standtall]

OP, my sympathies.

 

Unfortunately, women with minor children seldom leave marriages unless there is some major issues...abuse, drug/alcohol issues, third party involvement. I would bet on the latter....do some digging quietly.

[amaysngrace]

If you're gone a lot she has a solid grasp on life with you in it and life without you there, I'm sorry to say.

 

If I were you I would let her go because once her mind is made up there's very little you can do.

 

I'd get a lawyer. Today.

[somanymistakes]

Does it actually matter if she's fallen for someone else or not? Why tear yourself up searching for proof (which may not exist) of an affair (which may not exist) when the point is clearly made that she wants out?

 

YES women do ask for divorces, even when they have kids. Especially in a military deployment situation, which gives them a lot of time to be alone and decide that they're better off that way. (And yes, it also gives them time to be interested in someone else).

 

It sounds like you may also have fought about her weight, and that your methods of expressing affection did not work for her and made her feel generally unloved. It's not difficult to imagine these things leading to her closing off her feelings towards you, even without anyone else being involved.

 

You can ask her if she's willing to go to counseling and try, but recognise that she's had a lot of time to think about this while you were gone and she may have firmly made up her mind that she's happier without you. It's all a shock and a surprise to you, but to her this is something she's already dealt with.

[preraph]

You didn't have steady role models to know how to be in a relationship and maybe didn't get enough love to know how to be affectionate in the true sense. The military can make you kind of detached. I noticed that growing up. I lived by an AFB and seems like their dads were kind of scary and rigid.

 

Thanks for your service, and glad you came home.

 

Your best bet is to convince her to try marriage counseling together with you. And then the other thing is to minimize conflict, also take a parenting class together so you learn and both get on the same page about raising your children, as that can be a source of conflict. You agree to do it a certain way so you don't fight about it.

 

All you can do is convince her that you really want to try therapy.

 

And you're right -- don't lecture her on her eating habits, health habits. She's her own person. You're not her drill sergeant!! You can boss the kids around when they're a little older.

[Lotsgoingon]

Definitely find a military counselor to talk to ... because your situation is not unusual at all for the military.

 

Spouses HATE deployments ... and then the man comes home ... finds that the house has changed ... criticizes elements of the way she has run the house in his absence ... and then they go off to a new deployment.

 

Sounds like you are aware of the need to develop some social skills, particularly empathy and warmth.

 

Lesson #1: when someone has a health scare, the ONLY ROLE for a spouse is supportive and caring and loving. There is NO CRITICISM allowed--at all. Doesn't matter if the person smoked cigarettes and got lung cancer. You have to be totally supportive and caring.

 

Lesson #2: Learn to listen. When people feel you are really listening to them, really following what they are saying without judgment, man that's worth gold. A lot of guys, we want to jump in and solve the woman's problems with our brilliance. Hold off on your brilliance. Learn to listen. Just being heard allows people to sort through their own problems .

 

Lesson #3: Pay attention. I guarantee you that the married guys you deployed with ... even if their marriages are intact ... are struggling, really struggling in their marriages. Guarantee it. And I guarantee that they talk about this ... and yet somehow you think your problems are unique. Maybe back to #2 and listening to people.

 

Part of what will make you a better spouse is to start sharing what you're going through with more people. That's the same skill as sharing what you're going through with a spouse ... and on the flip side, listening to what a spouse is going through.

 

Finally, get to counseling. If you were raised in this unusual way, there are a lot of social skills you're going to be lacking just because you and your brother had to learn everything without guidance. Find a counselor. Don't buy the hype, tons of military guys go to counseling. I was reading not too long ago about this big time leader of the Deltas talking about how he and his wife are in serious counseling and now he's gone public with it to encourage other people to get counseling.

 

This guy was coming home from deployments and yelling at his teenage daughter for watching television and being an American teenager. His wife finally got his attention ... and he backed off ... and realized he was assuming his children were supposed to have the world view of soldiers in combat.

 

Anyway, you sound young. Work on these issues now and you got plenty of time to have a good life.

 

Here's a challenge to test your courage: ask your wife to tell you exactly what she doesn't like about you and your behavior and what you need to work on in the future. Take notes. Take detailed notes. Your wife has oddly enough a ton of wisdom that can point you in the right direction. I know, there's a bayonet and jab that comes with hearing her wisdom ... but it's wisdom and insight nonetheless. And you can ask about your good qualities as well.

 

Sorry, no advice that will change her mind. But you got a lot of life ahead of you.

[Kingcole82]

Thanks for the advice everyone. We are still living in the same house. My biggest problem is never having no one to talk to about relationship issues. Out of 8 close friends all but one or two are going through problems themselves or are cheating. Guys I know in the military also don't go live the best relationship advice.

 

I have no family or friends where we live now because I'm always gone; that's why I came here to talk. It's hard because like one of you mentioned she decided this while I was gone and I carried on the whole time like everything was okay. Got back and was hit with a brick. I'm going to find a counselor to talk to about this.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, go ahead and talk to someone. Break that isolation you're feeling.

 

My heart goes out to you ... nothing like being the non-initiating partner in a divorce ... and for this to go on while serving the country ... hard man.

 

Here's the thing ... keep this in mind: you have strengths. You clearly have strengths ... Just to come here and write about your situation shows you have tremendous creativity and courage and desire to make yourself better.

 

So as you go to counseling ... you're going to be filling in gaps ... and that can be fun ... Man, it was after my divorce in my 40s that I feel I learned about what relationships are all about.

 

But as you fill in gaps (your weaknesses) never forget your strengths and you will have strengths connected to your unique and challenging upbringing.

 

Hang in there soldier ... Oh ... final point: you want a counselor who makes you comfortable and/or who inspires you ... if after a few months, you're feeling nothing is happening, ask for and seek a new counselor. The difference between a mediocre counselor and a good one ... the difference between someone who's there ... and someone we click with ... Huge!!!!

 

Some people give up on counseling after just not having a good fit with their counselor. At one point, I dumped like three counselors in a row ... until I found the guy I go to now, who is amazing!

 

Man, you're about to go on a great journey!!!!!! Here's the payoff ... you do the work with the right therapist ... and it takes time ... but relationships will get easier ... a lot easier ... and more fun ... and you'll be able to read people better and ask the questions you need to ask ... and ask for help when you need it knowing that the other person will be there.

[Kingcole82]

Were sleeping in the same bed on opposite ends because she doesn't want intimate contact with me which is awkward. She wants the debts (maybe about $1200) to be payed off and some other things before we go into a divorce. Should I be making plans to sale or transfer the house now? What else should I consider about planning now? The window I see is about two months that she's talking about.

[central]

Get a lawyer immediately, to help with the debt and house decisions, and - of course - custody and child support issues. It's too complicated to handle yourself.

[Jamess1]

Your wife was cheating on you...I am not 100% sure, I am 110% sure - ask around, or find out who. There is always a replacement, a woman leaves a a man for another, especially in cases were there is no real bad external reason e.g violence, extreme verbal abuse etc

 

She has been cheating for a while now - get a DNA test on your kids, just to be sure - and stop sleeping on the same bed with her.

 

The reason she doesnt want you to touch her, is because being intimate with you will be cheating on her affair partner with you..

 

Dont even blame yourself for her leaving - get the divorce don ASAP...if she changes her mind suddenly and wants her marriage back, it's probably that the guy she had being cheating with is backing away or having second thoughts..

 

You can get a PI, I dare you . .

[Lotsgoingon]

Google and find some local divorce attorneys.

 

Many offer free consults ... to give you an overview of what they can do and what your next steps are ... sorta like a first date ... to see if you want to hire them.

 

Schedule three or so of these ... just to get a feel ... or maybe you'll find an online review of someone highly rated. Call office. Say you want a consult and looking for a free consult.

 

Once you meet with these people, you will actually feel a little better and get a lot of concrete information.

 

Ask if someone is familiar with military divorces ... the law is a little different for that ... But a good lawyer knows their limits and will call others for help with technical stuff of a military divorce.

 

The attorney will --even in consult--will tell you your next steps and what to do about debts and all of that.

 

Also google this stuff ...

Here are some links that could be helpful .... Looks like there might be a free legal service that active duty people can consult. Contact your commanding officer ... or their assistant and ask for where you can go for consult on legal stuff regarding divorce.

 

https://www.military.com/benefits/military-legal-matters/legal-assistance-and-jag/free-legal-assistance.html

 

https://www.divorcesource.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=15

 

And keep googling: there has to be a discussion forum out there for military folks in your exact situation ... just as you found this forum regarding divorce, there are definitely forums specifically for military folks ... where people share all kinds of types ... Again, might need to ask your commanding officer for tips. That's the ideal forum you want: full of informed people in your exact situation, who technically know what to tell you and who emotionally know how you feel.

[amaysngrace]

If you have a two month window you need a family law attorney to protect your interests. Let them advise you on which steps you need to take and in what order.

 

If she doesn't want to touch you I'd make her sleep on the couch. But that's just me.