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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 12th September 2018, 1:15 AM   #31
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Our house is big and has a "depandance" with a independent entrance... it would work...
My first husband and I lived separate lives in the same house for awhile. He asked me to stay with him for another 4 months while he saved money so he could get his own place (because he could not afford the house we lived in on his own and I was already moving to another location.) I agreed. Then, he didn't come home one night. He stayed the night at his new girlfriend's. I was furious. I was the one that ended the 32-yr marriage, but I was not going to maintain the finances of this household at his request so he could come and go as he pleased. I was waiting for him when he got home to tell him I was going to sign the lease on my new apartment that day.

Just know that it becomes quite a slippery slope when you decide to live separate lives in the same house, regardless of who made the decision to "leave" the marriage.
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Old 12th September 2018, 8:57 AM   #32
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IMO, people can't truly move on emotionally until they've moved out physically.

Positive, negative, it's still a tie.
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Old 12th September 2018, 12:19 PM   #33
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Just know that it becomes quite a slippery slope when you decide to live separate lives in the same house, regardless of who made the decision to "leave" the marriage.
I'm aware of this... won't be easy, but I'm not "asking" to stay... to be honest, I think my wife should be the one moving out... I want the marriage... she doesn't...
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Old 12th September 2018, 12:20 PM   #34
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IMO, people can't truly move on emotionally until they've moved out physically.

Positive, negative, it's still a tie.
yep... it's started feeling like that already...
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Old 12th September 2018, 9:14 PM   #35
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I'm aware of this... won't be easy, but I'm not "asking" to stay... to be honest, I think my wife should be the one moving out... I want the marriage... she doesn't...
My first wife and I had basically reached a mutual understanding that divorce was the right way to go - plenty of ambivalence, sure, but it was in essence a mutual decision.


The trouble is that you still really live and operate as you did when you were married. You share an awful lot of time together, cooking, watching TV, looking after the house and general every day interaction.... you just don't sleep or socialise together.

But I have to say, as with vla1120 above, the first time my wife didn't return home one night, I wasn't happy. Its weird, because I had no right to feel that way, but, I did.

It was obvious, after that, that the situation couldn't be maintained. I needed to move on. My mrs loved the house we were in, and I don't much care where I live, so I moved - it made things somewhat easier - not having to negotiate who stayed and who had to go.

Moving out really brought home the reality of the impending divorce too. I'd go home to an empty house (mine) and lived my out of work time alone - it was pretty brutal, but required.
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Old 14th September 2018, 4:47 AM   #36
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My first wife and I had basically reached a mutual understanding that divorce was the right way to go - plenty of ambivalence, sure, but it was in essence a mutual decision.


The trouble is that you still really live and operate as you did when you were married. You share an awful lot of time together, cooking, watching TV, looking after the house and general every day interaction.... you just don't sleep or socialise together.

But I have to say, as with vla1120 above, the first time my wife didn't return home one night, I wasn't happy. Its weird, because I had no right to feel that way, but, I did.

It was obvious, after that, that the situation couldn't be maintained. I needed to move on. My mrs loved the house we were in, and I don't much care where I live, so I moved - it made things somewhat easier - not having to negotiate who stayed and who had to go.

Moving out really brought home the reality of the impending divorce too. I'd go home to an empty house (mine) and lived my out of work time alone - it was pretty brutal, but required.

yes, it's a bit of a scary thought... not one I'm entertaining right now. I guess the time will come...
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Old 29th March 2019, 7:39 AM   #37
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Update

my kids now know what's going on... so separation will only be matter of time... I don't have to be afraid I'm going to hurt them. Sharing the weight of the situation helps enormously.
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Old 29th March 2019, 10:52 AM   #38
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So is it as simple as they know Mom and Dad aren't happy or did you talk separation and divorce with them? What is your wife's reaction to all this? Given the tensions involved, they must have had some clues things weren't going well...

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Old 29th March 2019, 11:09 AM   #39
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So is it as simple as they know Mom and Dad aren't happy or did you talk separation and divorce with them? What is your wife's reaction to all this? Given the tensions involved, they must have had some clues things weren't going well...

Mr. Lucky
Sorry, I was a bit succint there... I did speak to my eldest daughter and she then spoke to the others... there were no surprises there... they knew there was something going on. They seem to understand the importance of the sexual connection... and they find this unacceptable. Also, that she could detach and still enjoy all the perks of married life - nice house, nice car, my financial support (although she does work, part time)...

I haven't spoken with my wife. We are still at the stage "let's see what happens"... but now that my kids know, there is no point in waiting anymore. Still very sad it didn't work out, but I feel better about myself. Having an outside input is very precious, especially because I got confirmation that I'm not totally crazy or a nasty person... I'm not saying bad things about my wife. She is still their mother, but having a different point of view has been great.

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Old 29th March 2019, 11:21 AM   #40
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Don't

If you are going to divorce/separate I strongly urge you to NOT continue to live with her and just 'pull off the bandaid'. Living together will delay both your recovery and basically wallow in the pain. Split asap if you are going to. Can't do it soon enough. Yes it is very hard, but living in the same house with her will be harder and only delay the inevitable.

There ARE women that aren't celibate in the world. Plenty of them. Don't feel any guilt whatsoever for not accepting forced celibacy and be proud you chose the 'high road' of not just cheating - which would destroy your relationship and result in separation anyway.
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Old 29th March 2019, 11:24 AM   #41
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If you are going to divorce/separate I strongly urge you to NOT continue to live with her and just 'pull off the bandaid'. Living together will delay both your recovery and basically wallow in the pain. Split asap if you are going to. Can't do it soon enough. Yes it is very hard, but living in the same house with her will be harder and only delay the inevitable.

There ARE women that aren't celibate in the world. Plenty of them. Don't feel any guilt whatsoever for not accepting forced celibacy and be proud you chose the 'high road' of not just cheating - which would destroy your relationship and result in separation anyway.

We have 2 houses, next to each other's. I will move next door, for a bit. I'm past it now, anyway. I have no desire to be with my wife. And never considered cheating. That would have destroyed my relationship with my children too.
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Old 29th March 2019, 11:30 AM   #42
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stages

Limbo sucks. You are considering staying there. I can't emphasize enough how bad an idea it is to stay in 'limbo' (ie. continue living with her). If I had to rate the pain on a 1-10 scale during the different periods of divorce recovery, I'd say:

* When things are bad but you haven't decided yet: 7-8
* When you have decided but not yet informed one another: 9
* When you have informed one another and are still living together (limbo): 11 (yes - off the scale)
* When you first move out in the first 1-3 months: 10
* After you settle into living on your own - the first year maybe: 8
* When you accept you are divorced and are starting to make your way: 7
* You have established a life for yourself (maybe dating - but not seriously) in the first 1-3 years: 6
* You've built a new life: Maybe the best period in many years of your life

From this you can see that the 'limbo' period is the worst. Do NOT stay there. Get through that absolutely as quickly as possible (and then go faster).
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Old 29th March 2019, 11:51 AM   #43
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Limbo sucks. You are considering staying there. I can't emphasize enough how bad an idea it is to stay in 'limbo' (ie. continue living with her).
I'm not living with her. They are two separate independent houses... I won't see her at all...
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Old 29th March 2019, 2:07 PM   #44
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better

That's better. Wouldn't be far enough for me but hope it works out for you. I personally would rather be in another state from my ex and we were initially very amicable. Things change after you divorce. You may find she doesn't make a great neighbor for alot of reasons.
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Old 29th March 2019, 5:54 PM   #45
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I won't see her at all...
Until she shows up at your door, wanting to "work things out" ...

Mr. Lucky
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