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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 14th July 2018, 5:43 AM   #16
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Why is it men always want to have sex even when nothing is going right? Seriously, this baffles women. It's the difference between most men and most women. Most women need to have the emotional connection and for conditions to feel right, not for some guy wanting to board them like a train even when he's mad.

In this case, for whatever reason, she lost her attraction -- and that's assuming she ever had any. If she did, she lost it. If she didn't, shame on her for marrying anyway. So she's trying to work herself up to have a libido instead of feeling raped. That's understandable, right? What we don't know is if you were George Clooney, would she magically have an active libido. Just don't know.

Fighting about sex or lack of it is no way to live for either of you. Wishing you better luck in the future. At least at the beginning of relationships, both people are usually into sex, though it very often fades over time and/or with children. So I just caution you to not get involved with someone next who isn't really into it or seems like she's holding out and to get with someone who seems, for the time being, eager to have sex. They're out there. Don't go chasing some woman and talking her into being with you. Go for the woman who is chasing you because she finds you that attractive. Yes, this might mean a come-down on looks, but sex matters that much to you, so do it.
I hesitated answering after reading the word "rape" to be honest... it's like that guy at the end of my last thread who was insinuating I was having some kid of weird relationship with my daughter...

Sex is an ugly subject when there is a problem and both partners should make an effort. It wasn't the case. I made may mistakes and I am the first to recognise it. But it's difficult when your wife doesn't talk to you.

All in all I think you are right, though. She must have lost her attraction to me at some point, but instead of telling me, she pushed me away. Maybe because we had 2 kids at the time, maybe she didn't want to be a single mother, maybe she still liked me, but she wasn't in love with me. I will never know now. Not that she would tell me.
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Old 14th July 2018, 5:44 AM   #17
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Come on, rape? The word adds nothing to this discussion of sexless marriages...

Mr. Lucky

Thank you, Mr. Lucky...
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Old 3rd September 2018, 5:26 AM   #18
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well, it's been over 45 days since the "revelation" and things are the same. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe that she might change her mind? That she might miss me? Nope. We are living separate lives. It's hard to witness the end of your marriage, but there is no hope.
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Old 3rd September 2018, 7:25 AM   #19
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It's a sad situation to be in, but you are not alone. My marriage wasn't quite as long, 23 years, but believe me there is a good life out there after divorce. Once you have come to terms with it you will feel much lighter and wonder why you kept holding on.

There are plenty of women out there of all ages still very much interested in sex, I assure you of that, and you will meet someone to have a fulfilling relationship with.

Hang in there, it gets better!
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Old 3rd September 2018, 7:28 AM   #20
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It's a sad situation to be in, but you are not alone. My marriage wasn't quite as long, 23 years, but believe me there is a good life out there after divorce. Once you have come to terms with it you will feel much lighter and wonder why you kept holding on.

There are plenty of women out there of all ages still very much interested in sex, I assure you of that, and you will meet someone to have a fulfilling relationship with.

Hang in there, it gets better!
Thank you! I think I need a bit of "hand-holding" and cuddles right now...
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Old 3rd September 2018, 6:01 PM   #21
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well, it's been over 45 days since the "revelation" and things are the same. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe that she might change her mind? That she might miss me? Nope. We are living separate lives. It's hard to witness the end of your marriage, but there is no hope.
At least now you know and can make plans. Tough to be in limbo like you were for all these years.

Will you continue to reside together once the kids are gone?

Mr. Lucky
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Old 4th September 2018, 3:27 AM   #22
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Will you continue to reside together once the kids are gone?

Mr. Lucky
This is the question of the century! To be honest, I don't want to move out and the house is big enough for both of us. So, we'll see... not ideal, though.
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Old 4th September 2018, 11:03 AM   #23
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Wishing you the best. It's a sad fact that sometimes people lose attraction after a while in a marriage. Some people just need that romantic atmosphere which doesn't include all the daily chores and obligations While others aren't as dependent on conditions being right. You mentioned she had some mental issue she was working on and that certainly could be a part of this.

Does she appear to want to stay together as a couple anyway?
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Old 5th September 2018, 12:00 AM   #24
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This is the question of the century! To be honest, I don't want to move out and the house is big enough for both of us. So, we'll see... not ideal, though.
Would seem much depends on your plans. Will you officially divorce? Will you date? Would she?

I'd have trouble accepting my romantic life was over. But we reach a certain age, other priorities become at least equally important...

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Old 5th September 2018, 4:27 AM   #25
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Does she appear to want to stay together as a couple anyway?
If you mean as a couple with no sex, yes she would like that very much. She says she enjoys my company, but she is done with sex. I think somehow she was a bit disappointed that I said I couldn't live like that. Because in the first instance I only said I accepted it - I was literally speechless - but a few days later I said we had to live separate lives... well, I thought about it and I just couldn't live like a monk at my age. I guess it was her turn to be surprised...
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Old 5th September 2018, 4:29 AM   #26
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Would seem much depends on your plans. Will you officially divorce? Will you date? Would she?

I'd have trouble accepting my romantic life was over. But we reach a certain age, other priorities become at least equally important...

Mr. Lucky
We will probably divorce at some point. But not before my youngest goes to uni next year. I will date too. Not right now, too early.

And yes, I'm very much troubled my marriage is over after 30 years. It's unthinkable... but it's happening and it's out of my hands...
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Old 7th September 2018, 8:09 PM   #27
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Listen, menopause... gets a bad rap, and is used as an excuse too much.

Yes, some women just lose all desire after menopause, it is a real thing.

But I have known so many woman that are post menopausal and their drive and desire is through the roof.

So something does not add up about that, I guess some women are different?

I cannot be the only man in the world to have witnessed this...
Not sure if Blues will see this...it's a big board. But so I am perimenopausal and I hear it only gets worse. The reality is that everything does change, your body betrays you so to speak. You just don't care about sex that much. You get fat. From my experience, it takes a lot of change and personal determination/willpower to fight that deterioration. It's the usual, diet, exercise, sleep, etc. but it's got to be hardcore and its got to be a lifestyle change. A major lifestyle change. And even then, the hormones change, it's a battle.
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Old 7th September 2018, 10:17 PM   #28
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This is the question of the century! To be honest, I don't want to move out and the house is big enough for both of us. So, we'll see... not ideal, though.
Mmmmm. Have a care here. Ultimately I think you'll find living together to be unworkable.

My first wife and I cohabited for some time after 'separation' (different bedrooms). But the thing is, how do you (both) manage dates and sex whilst still living in the same house? Always go to a hotel? In the car? At her (or his) place?

Things get weird and uncomfortable pretty quickly.

Ultimately, once divorce proceedings were well underway, and I'd managed to source financing, I bought and moved into a new house. Things progressed in a much less stressful and 'normal' way from there. I'll admit though that I held on to the thought of us working things out and getting back together, for a long time even after we lived in separate homes.
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Old 8th September 2018, 5:13 AM   #29
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Not sure if Blues will see this...it's a big board. But so I am perimenopausal and I hear it only gets worse. The reality is that everything does change, your body betrays you so to speak. You just don't care about sex that much. You get fat. From my experience, it takes a lot of change and personal determination/willpower to fight that deterioration. It's the usual, diet, exercise, sleep, etc. but it's got to be hardcore and its got to be a lifestyle change. A major lifestyle change. And even then, the hormones change, it's a battle.
yes, my wife has been exercising a lot and she has lost a lot of weight... in fact, she said that maybe we can have sex again when she is thin... then she said, actually, no... Maybe she's having an affair? If she was, I would be astonished...
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Old 8th September 2018, 5:15 AM   #30
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Mmmmm. Have a care here. Ultimately I think you'll find living together to be unworkable.

My first wife and I cohabited for some time after 'separation' (different bedrooms). But the thing is, how do you (both) manage dates and sex whilst still living in the same house? Always go to a hotel? In the car? At her (or his) place?

Things get weird and uncomfortable pretty quickly.

Ultimately, once divorce proceedings were well underway, and I'd managed to source financing, I bought and moved into a new house. Things progressed in a much less stressful and 'normal' way from there. I'll admit though that I held on to the thought of us working things out and getting back together, for a long time even after we lived in separate homes.
Our house is big and has a "depandance" with a independent entrance... it would work...
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