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Anyone have success in seperating? (Long post)


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Me and my husband have had so many problems with trying to blend our kids into one home. It has been a problem since the beginning of our relationship, and we have spent a good deal of it fighting. My family hates him which has caused even more issues. He has tried to leave several times because of how toxic the household is, I have begged him to stay each time. This time he left, and when he did he had no intentions of working anything out he was adamant for a divorce.

 

He has came around to going to marriage counseling (which is a big deal for him), he has agreed for us to work on things, he comes over regularly to visit with me and the kids (my kids they are not ours together), he has went to the firework show with us, brought his daughter over for a few hours (that he swore would never come back because she is a lot of the issue). Our sex life is better than it has ever been. But I'm so lost on what to do or where I stand.

 

He is the love of my life and I would do anything to fix things with him, but maybe I really screwed up I don't know that he will ever come home. One day he seems like things are going really good between us, then the next he is completely distance. I am just afraid that all the hard work I am doing on making changes, the counseling, and trying to show him things can be better is all going to be for nothing. Has anyone actually had success with stepping back from one another, working on things and being able to come back together?

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Something like 10% of divorced couples wind up remarried to each other. Separated is less extreme, so I would imagine it works sometimes. Probably less than 50%.

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Me and my husband have had so many problems with trying to blend our kids into one home. It has been a problem since the beginning of our relationship, and we have spent a good deal of it fighting. My family hates him which has caused even more issues. He has tried to leave several times because of how toxic the household is, I have begged him to stay each time.

 

Are there other family members in your house other than the two of you and your kids?

 

Mr. Lucky

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No it is just me and my kids at the moment. Before he moved out it was him, me, my kids, and his daughter.

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how old is his daughter? what is she like? you say she is part of the issue... so what are the other parts?

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No it is just me and my kids at the moment. Before he moved out it was him, me, my kids, and his daughter.

 

I was curious because you said your family was one of the main issues. If you’re interested in making your marriage work, it would seem minimizing contact with family members would be part of your strategy...

 

Mr. Lucky

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To be more specific. His daughter just turned 17, she was not disciplined with living in two households. There were not set rules for her, because she always lived half the time with her other parent. This caused a lot of issues and I had a lot of jealousy when it came to her because she was treated so much different than my children.

 

His response was always that it was the age difference and that it was too late to fix bad habits with her but not with my kids. He rode my kids like no-one's business though, don't get me wrong they needed it but it caused problems. He wanted me to be the disciplanarian but I really lacked in this area I am somewhat of a push over. He also wanted me to have a job, and I kind of bounced back and forth on jobs being in school full-time. He also wanted me to make the kids help keep the house cleaner, and me cook supper more.

 

I am also completely led by my emotions and over think everything, which has caused it's share of issues. As well as being insecure and always suspicious. All of these things were completely understandable. When I realized how bad things were getting between us I got a full time job as a waitress, and cooked supper every night. But the house was still stressful and that is why he left. Now our issue is that we are working on things while I prove I can make these changes but I think he lacks faith in me continuing to make changes. At this point I don't know if our relationship can be salvaged or not. I hope with all my heart that it can be.

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He wanted me to be the disciplanarian but I really lacked in this area I am somewhat of a push over. He also wanted me to have a job, and I kind of bounced back and forth on jobs being in school full-time. He also wanted me to make the kids help keep the house cleaner, and me cook supper more.

 

He’s got quite the list of changes he’s looking for. What adjustments are he willing to make in order to improve your relationship.

 

Mr. Lucky

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To be more specific. His daughter just turned 17, she was not disciplined with living in two households. There were not set rules for her, because she always lived half the time with her other parent. This caused a lot of issues and I had a lot of jealousy when it came to her because she was treated so much different than my children. His response was always that it was the age difference and that it was too late to fix bad habits with her but not with my kids. <snip>

 

 

Blending families takes flexibility on both families parts and as was mentioned, he's got quite the list for your family. The bit about it being too late for his daughter is rubbish. If she's part of the household then she has to do her part to make things work in the household.

 

You getting a job and cooking dinner, shows a lot of efforts on your part and yet still things weren't good enough to appease this man.

I'm inclined to ask what efforts has he and his daughter made to help and why is he the only one entitled to make decisions about the relationship.

 

Sounds as if he came in used to things being his way and has no patience or intentions of any of his ways being affected by his new family members. To me that is selfish on his part. I know my stepdad accepted us kids at 11 years old with our habits good and bad, loved us, and was patient, because he loved our mother enough and wanted a future with her in it.

 

He wants you to be the disciplinarian, yet you are more tender and patient with your children and this is who you are. My stepdad was actually more like you and my mother was the more stern disciplinarian. Regardless if the love, patience, and desire to have this work isn't mutual then it won't happen.

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Really he is not being unreasonable, I need to make a lot of changes and I know that. He has made changes as well through trying to appease the situation. His biggest flaw is his lack of emotion, not communicating, and being stubborn and set in his ways. His daughter moved out a few weeks before the situation because she was causing so many problems and moved in with her mother. My husband is amazing in every way I can honestly say I have been truly blessed with him. He is working on things and making changes as well I just listed mine. I am just hoping it is not too late for us to be able to fix ourselves, our relationship and come out stronger on the other side. At this point I am just taking it a day at a time.

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Really he is not being unreasonable, I need to make a lot of changes and I know that. He has made changes as well through trying to appease the situation. His biggest flaw is his lack of emotion, not communicating, and being stubborn and set in his ways. His daughter moved out a few weeks before the situation because she was causing so many problems and moved in with her mother. My husband is amazing in every way I can honestly say I have been truly blessed with him. He is working on things and making changes as well I just listed mine. I am just hoping it is not too late for us to be able to fix ourselves, our relationship and come out stronger on the other side. At this point I am just taking it a day at a time.

 

 

Well ashpick85, Lack of emotion, not communicating, being stubborn and set in his ways or some tall hurdles. I believe you mentioned your family hates him so that might be a hurdle for the both of you.

 

You both have to want to make it work, and be in it together will to make equal efforts, so I wish you the best and hope you all and work things out.One day at a time is all you can expect of yourself. Take care...

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