Filly4thirteen Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 (edited) Let me start by saying this is new to me, I am just lost and paralyzed with fear. My wife and I have been married for a little over 6 years. We have a wonderful little 4 year old. We’ve had our ups and downs like most but as of recent it’s been more downs. I’ll try and keep this as short as possible. My wife has been a stay at home mom for the past two years and I’ve been pretty much a workaholic due to the demands of my career and also trying to get every bonus I could in order to make ends meet and give them the life the desired. I am completely aware of the areas I failed her. Neglect, lack of emotion and communication and so on, but at the time I thought I was doing what I needed to as a husband to provide financially and over the years my marriage has deteriorated due to this fact. I’m so very ashamed it has come to this but about 6 weeks ago I realized something was off. I dug a little deeper and finally she admitted to me that she has been talking to another man but not until she Lied for 4 weeks about it. Obviously this hurt. But I still have been trying to make it work but she has no desire to continue this marriage. I’m so ashamed of my failures in this marriage. She has told me that she always felt I hated her and I didn’t want to be around her. This was never the case but I know perception is reality and to her this was her reality. She has asked me in the past to go to counseling and I refused, for this I’m also ashamed. Why didn’t I see the writing on the wall. Why did I neglect my wife and think because I provided for her financially that this was enough. Now I don’t know why I worked so much, I figure it was because I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and thought if I just made a little more then everyone would be happier. She always withheld sex and made me feel like I was the bad guy. Never packed my Lunch or made me coffee. Not that I expect those things but the gesture would have been nice . How do I stop thinking that her lies and betrayal are my fault because this is what I’m caught up on. That if I did a little more our family wouldn’t be divided. She has admitted to meeting up with him On two occasions and shows no remorse. Just keeps telling me all my faults. Any advice on moving on from something I don’t want but I know is happening. Edited June 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Adiron Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 You've only seen the top of the rabbit hole, only as much as she needs to show you. It's much deeper. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 She has admitted to meeting up with him On two occasions and shows no remorse. Just keeps telling me all my faults. Any advice on moving on from something I donÂ’t want but I know is happening. What she's doing is so common it has its own name - trickle truth. She's showing you the tip of the iceberg as she buys time so be realistic about what's going on. Women with small children don't jump from a marriage without a place to land. Time to lawyer up, my friend. You're going to need legal and financial advice. Keep posting... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 As the other posters said this is classic trickle truth. First she said she was talking to another man. Then it turned out they have met up twice. What do you think will discover next? Believe me, nobody talks to another man and meets up, without something else happening! Probably a lot more! She will of course deny deny deny until the cows come home but trust me you only know the tip of the iceberg here. If you really want the truth then you can check her phone bill, track her phone, place a hidden VAR in your kitchen, etc. But at this stage there's probably not really much point; you know what's going on. DO NOT let her guilt you into thinking it's your fault! You were out there working hard to make your finances meet and provide for your family. Do not let her tell you that HER cheating is YOUR fault! If she felt you were becoming distant and the marriage was deteriorating then the answer is not to jump into the arms of another man, it is to TALK TO HER HUSBAND! She has FAILED in this regard. She has broken her marriage vows. In sickness and in health and all that (health of the marriage that is). Nothing you did was un-fixable. What she has done is beyond comparison. She has told me that she always felt I hated her and I didn’t want to be around her. What a load of rubbish! She's just trying to justify the affair in her own mind and alleviate the guilt of breaking her marriage vows and destroying the family. Do not listen to her. She is changing history. Yes, time to lawyer up and file for divorce. Once a woman tells you she wants a divorce, it's over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 Stop blaming yourself! You were working your a$$ off while she didn't have to work! And she repays you by having an affair? No way! She's not a decent person! File for divorce. Leave her no money and keep custody of your daughter. See if a family member can help you fora little while. Take charge of YOUR future! Start doing things to cut out the person purposely ruining your life...your wife. She's really low to blame you for any of it - it ALL on her - if she was at all unsatisfied she could have talked to you about meeting her needs - but she didn't - instead she purposely chose to start having sex with another man. She not marriage material. File as soon as possible. Protect your money and your daughter! Tell the wife to move now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Filly4thirteen Posted June 26, 2018 Author Share Posted June 26, 2018 (edited) She says she has always tried to talk to me and I was always to busy with work and didn’t care. She has gotten a part time job but not enough to support herself and our child. She wants to be amicable and do a disillusion as I want the same to make this as easy as possible. We are currently living in the same house and I just don’t want to be there anymore and she wonÂ’t leave. We don’t have much equity in the home. She will be the primary parent with us doing co-parenting. I guess I have to just wait for her to get full time employment because I can’t afford to places of residence. This is just a very hard situation. I sometimes wish I would have paid attention when she was pleading for my attention but I was blinded with the responsibility of providing. I’m just such in a fog right now and don’t know what my next step is to be. I have consulted with an attorney and wrote up some things for the dissolution. If I just file for divorce I’m gonna be on the hook for alimony and she is willing to waive alimony if she keeps the house. I just feel I’m in the waiting game now and have to let it play out. Edited June 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 she is willing to waive alimony if she keeps the house This sounds like a great deal since you say there is little equity in the house anyway. If I were you I'd strike while the iron is hot. Get this signed and sealed as quickly as possible, before she changes her mind! Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 Give her the divorce, since there is no upside to staying with a cheater. Being married less than 10 years, she probably won't get alimony regardless, or just a transitional amount. Cut back any extra hours to reduce your income if you are concerned about how much you'll have to pay, because once the amount is set, it is difficult to change. Besides, if you have joint custody, you'll need those hours to spend with your child. She will get child support, and that will be for the next 14 to 18 years - and is also set based on your relative incomes and state guidelines. Tell her she can have the house if she gets a job before filing for divorce. That would provide the best scenario financially. Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 Here's an article that might shed some light on your situation: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome The article is pretty insightful, so it doesn't need my commentary; but I'll add a few other notes/thoughts: How often do you hear of a young woman saying "I am marring that man because he makes lotsa money!" vs "I'm marrying that man because he loves me and I love him"? (Yes, I know there are gold diggers, but I'm talking about the more normal human beings). How often do you hear an old woman saying "I loved my husband all those years because he made lotsa money" vs "I loved my husband all those years because he made me feel loved"? How often do you hear adult children saying "I love my father because he worked all day and hardly was present but he got us money" vs "I love my father because "We were poor but my father had been there for us always and spent time with us"? My point is, it would be a grave mistake on your part if you try to suppress the guilt you are feeling about being absent in the marriage emotionally. It's the emotional connection (not money or power) that women seek the most in their relationships. It's a horribly painful thing for a woman being a stay-home mom day in day out with a mentally absent husband. She'll scream all she can, but eventually she'll let go and that's what your wife has done. Her affair is NOT your fault. That's on her. But at the same time, her emotionally letting go of you was caused by your neglect towards her. It's a very strong statement when a wife says that she felt "hated" by her husband. How long can you expect her to stay? She may choose to reconcile for the sake of the child or even for practical reasons, as some women do, but her affection towards you may not ever back to you the way it was before. From her point of view, she has done all she could have (screaming, shouting, talking, asking even to go to counseling -- wasn't that enough of a hint that she saw the marriage on a free fall?) Then she gave up eventually and it is no surprise that she eventually sought out emotional support from another man. What I'm trying to say is: the affair is wrong, but at the same time, she didn't just get up one day and willfully decided to cheat on you--she was most likely emotionally done with you long before she engaged with another man. And probably that's why you are not getting a touch of remorse out of her, because in her mind YOU are the one to betray her over the years with emotional neglect. NO, no, no, I am not justifying the affair--All I"m saying is that women don't usually cheat for fun--they usually do it out of pain and desperation, trying to fill the emotional void. What can you do right now? Acknowledge and recognize the grey truth from both parties: (1) Her cheating to you is awful, wrong, and intensely painful. (2) But also, your emotional neglect to her might have been just as painful to her for a long time too. I wonder which is more painful: Feeling unloved by your own husband or Being cheated by your own wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 She’s following the cheater script. And it’s working. You are swallowed it hook line and sinker. I get it’s a shock but you should wake up now. Get the D quick Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 Since she cheated...you tell HER to start working full time! That way you pay NO alimony and you get half of that house! Start fighting for the things YOU have worked hard for! She should get nothing since she didn't earn the money to pay for those things- and cheated after you provided her those luxuries. Ask for no alimony and YOU get the house! Start making her uncomfortable! She needs to get to work! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Filly4thirteen Posted June 26, 2018 Author Share Posted June 26, 2018 I’m trying to navigate thru this so it stays as a dissolution and makes it the least amount as possible stress on my baby girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Adiron Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 Try not to run to the lawyers right away. If one party consults with an attorney, then the other one usually follows suit, and then the attorneys take over and things escalate rapidly. Best course of action is to try to settle the divorce through mediation, which keeps expenses down and conflict low. In many states if it goes to court you'll be lucky to see your daughter every other weekend and once during the week and have little to no say over important legal, medical and educational matters concerning your child. Try to keep it to business only, push aside the fact that she cheated on you and continues to lie about it and turn it around so it's all your fault. The marriage is over, the goal now is to get it done quickly and as painlessly as possible so you can effectively coparent your child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Filly4thirteen Posted June 26, 2018 Author Share Posted June 26, 2018 Here’s my current situation. I’m Living at home with her and she’s not leaving. She’s on the mortgage so I can’t physically kick her out. A few times a week she will go and stay at her moms but refuses to go live there. So here we are, cohabitation at its finest. Again every step of the way I am trying to make this as easy as possible for my lil one. I have consulted with an attorney and came to what I thought was a amicable agreement but she won’t sign until she reviews it with her own attorney. She is actively searching for a job and has actually became employed per diem but is only getting a few days every two weeks. She doesn’t seem in any hurry to get out or file for divorce. If I file I will most likely have to vacate my residence due to my wife being the primary parent due to my work schedule. At that point I won’t be able to afford a place of my own and I don’t have any family I can move on with. What a crappy situation I got Myself into Link to post Share on other sites
Adiron Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 Here’s my current situation. I’m Living at home with her and she’s not leaving. She’s on the mortgage so I can’t physically kick her out. You couldn't kick her out even if her name wasn't on the mortgage. As you wrote later on, you will probably be the one leaving since she's the primary caregiver for the child. Yes it's a crappy situation but it's one that fathers of young children going through a divorce face every day. Her attorney has surely advised her not to work- if she did she wouldn't get as much support from you and we can't have that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Filly4thirteen Posted June 26, 2018 Author Share Posted June 26, 2018 So what the heck do I do! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Filly4thirteen Posted June 26, 2018 Author Share Posted June 26, 2018 She hasn’t even consulted an attorney yet....that I know of. From the looks of it she wants this to be amicable also. I hope Link to post Share on other sites
Adiron Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 You can't do anything until she consults with her own attorney. Unless you want to push it and file for divorce and have her served but that won't make things all that friendly. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 27, 2018 Share Posted June 27, 2018 Have you just straight out asked her what her timetable is? My xH told me he needed time and I ended up waiting for 6 months before actually filing. During that time we worked on an "amicable" division of assets. We had to go back and forth several times, and at times he just wouldn't talk to me, saying he'd get back to me when he was ready to deal with it. I didn't antagonize him and against all the advice I was getting from friends and family, I backed off and as I said, 6 months after I told him I wanted the divorce (which shouldn't have been a surprise since he'd been unfaithful for years) we had worked things out on our own and I filed. I used an attorney to make sure there were no loopholes left open, but we worked out the terms ourselves. My xH did not have his own attorney, as I said, we worked things out between the two of us. But we didn't have children. It really sucks that she told you she wanted the divorce but she's the one holding things up now. Hopefully she'll "share" her plans with you soon. And hopefully she really does want to be amicable. Be patient when and if it makes sense, but don't let her run the show. Guard your interests. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 27, 2018 Share Posted June 27, 2018 So what the heck do I do! A ton of information online on "How to have an amicable divorce", here's just one example: How to Have an Amicable Divorce | 8 Proven Strategies That Work I'd start discussing with her as soon as you think you're both ready... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Filly4thirteen Posted June 27, 2018 Author Share Posted June 27, 2018 I have been discussing it with her and she just doesn’t want to talk. I feel like I’m her meal ticket. She says this is what she wants but is doing nothing to proceed. I get it she doesn’t have a full time job, but if I up and leave I cannot afford two places and I will be responsible for the current mortgage. Living in the same house is emotional torment that is effecting every facet of my life. I’m torn because I still love her and don’t want to let go of my family. But I also know it’s over but financially I can’t leave. So I just sit in misery until she gets a job? Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted June 27, 2018 Share Posted June 27, 2018 Let me start by saying this is new to me, I am just lost and paralyzed with fear. My wife and I have been married for a little over 6 years. We have a wonderful little 4 year old. We’ve had our ups and downs like most but as of recent it’s been more downs. I’ll try and keep this as short as possible. My wife has been a stay at home mom for the past two years and I’ve been pretty much a workaholic due to the demands of my career and also trying to get every bonus I could in order to make ends meet and give them the life the desired. I am completely aware of the areas I failed her. Neglect, lack of emotion and communication and so on, but at the time I thought I was doing what I needed to as a husband to provide financially and over the years my marriage has deteriorated due to this fact. I’m so very ashamed it has come to this but about 6 weeks ago I realized something was off. I dug a little deeper and finally she admitted to me that she has been talking to another man but not until she Lied for 4 weeks about it. Obviously this hurt. But I still have been trying to make it work but she has no desire to continue this marriage. I’m so ashamed of my failures in this marriage. She has told me that she always felt I hated her and I didn’t want to be around her. This was never the case but I know perception is reality and to her this was her reality. She has asked me in the past to go to counseling and I refused, for this I’m also ashamed. Why didn’t I see the writing on the wall. Why did I neglect my wife and think because I provided for her financially that this was enough. Now I don’t know why I worked so much, I figure it was because I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and thought if I just made a little more then everyone would be happier. She always withheld sex and made me feel like I was the bad guy. Never packed my Lunch or made me coffee. Not that I expect those things but the gesture would have been nice . How do I stop thinking that her lies and betrayal are my fault because this is what I’m caught up on. That if I did a little more our family wouldn’t be divided. She has admitted to meeting up with him On two occasions and shows no remorse. Just keeps telling me all my faults. Any advice on moving on from something I don’t want but I know is happening. She is pushing blame on you to justify her immoral choices. This is quite common. The more you beg her to stay (the pick me dance) the further you push her away. I know it hurts but you have to figure out how to survive without her. She poisoned the well and you will find the anger stage setting in. Sure, you likely made mistakes but that is no excuse for her to do what she did. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 27, 2018 Share Posted June 27, 2018 Read up on the "180" make it your new mantra. The 180 will help you detach from her because being married to a wife who has a boyfriend isn't part of your marriage agreement. Have you found out who the boyfriend is? Have you exposed their affair to his significant other? She has left the marriage, lawyer up and listen to his advice. Divorce takes time and a lot can happen between the time you file until the final decree. Your goal is to get yourself out of infidelity, delaying the inevitable only causes you more pain. It takes two to fix a broken marriage, she's already gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Adiron Posted June 27, 2018 Share Posted June 27, 2018 So I just sit in misery until she gets a job? Highly unlikely she'll get a job so it appears that based on the options that you are willing to consider, the only one left is "sit in misery". Lots of guys going through a divorce say the same thing. I know I did. "I can't afford it, I'll be ruined financially, my life is over". We find a way. Because we don't want to spend our lives sitting in misery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Filly4thirteen Posted June 27, 2018 Author Share Posted June 27, 2018 Thanks guys for all your sound advice. I really trying to gain the strength to make a move. I agree I need to get angry. Link to post Share on other sites
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