Feeling torn

[JulyRainn]

Hello all

I’ve been married 20 years. He’s never been super affectionate or romantic but he was my rock. Ten years ago I came home and he had left a note on the table saying he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. All his things were gone. I was getting my masters degree at the time and he felt neglected and was going to a strip joint the nights I was in class and was texting a stripper. We were separated a month and he moved back in. We attended marriage counseling and things were better and we both were invested in our reconciliation. As time passed our sex life dwindled. I suggested a sex schedule, visiting a dr., talking about how sexual intimacy connects a couple. He suffers from ED and said his sexual drive wasn’t as strong as mine. He also started being jealous of me and things that were important to me. Three years ago I decided to look into a doctorate program and he was not supportive. One night he flipped out and physically assaulted me and left bruises on my arms. He poured his drink on my head. I was shaking and told him to leave. He told me I was being selfish for wanting to pursue another degree and that would soak up all my free time to do things with him. I should’ve left but I stayed. He continued to change. Yelling and calling me names when he got mad. Things like ***** and *****. I lost feelings for him. I grew up with a physically and verbally abusive father and told him I didn’t feel safe anymore. He denied acting like my father. I pulled away and started feeling detached. I imagined life apart. He pushed me on two subsequent occasions. I moved out after Thanksgiving when he told me he hoped I hit a barrier on my way home from visiting my mom. I was tired of the disrespect. As soon as I moved out he promised to change if I came back. That my leaving was an “epiphany “. He texted and emailed constantly and would be nice if I was nice to him and mean if I ignored him. I filed for divorce 2 months ago because I was tired of the drama. He cannot accept this divorce and is BEGGING for ONE more chance. Saying he will go to counseling and he realized he just has extreme insecurity with me because I’m beautiful and intelligent and felt he never could measure up to me. He said he didn’t know why he didn’t listen to me but he’s willing to do anything to show me he can change. I’ve been unwavering through this separation but now I’m wondering if I should give him one last chance. I’m so stressed because he could change and life might be great with him but what if he doesn’t and I’m right back where I was. I don’t know why I’m letting him make me feel so guilty for telling him no. We did have good times too. But the bad times were bad even though he insists he acted that way only because he felt me pulling away and it drove him crazy. Please offer any insight and advice. There are days I feel so optimistic about my future life without him and days I wonder if I’m making a mistake.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

"I'll go to counseling" isn't enough. Tell him you'll only CONSIDER a reconciliation after he's been in counseling for 6 - 12 months and you see change.

[fredflint]

Hello all

I’ve been married 20 years. He’s never been super affectionate or romantic but he was my rock. Ten years ago I came home and he had left a note on the table saying he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. All his things were gone. I was getting my masters degree at the time and he felt neglected and was going to a strip joint the nights I was in class and was texting a stripper. We were separated a month and he moved back in. We attended marriage counseling and things were better and we both were invested in our reconciliation. As time passed our sex life dwindled. I suggested a sex schedule, visiting a dr., talking about how sexual intimacy connects a couple. He suffers from ED and said his sexual drive wasn’t as strong as mine. He also started being jealous of me and things that were important to me. Three years ago I decided to look into a doctorate program and he was not supportive. One night he flipped out and physically assaulted me and left bruises on my arms. He poured his drink on my head. I was shaking and told him to leave. He told me I was being selfish for wanting to pursue another degree and that would soak up all my free time to do things with him. I should’ve left but I stayed. He continued to change. Yelling and calling me names when he got mad. Things like ***** and *****. I lost feelings for him. I grew up with a physically and verbally abusive father and told him I didn’t feel safe anymore. He denied acting like my father. I pulled away and started feeling detached. I imagined life apart. He pushed me on two subsequent occasions. I moved out after Thanksgiving when he told me he hoped I hit a barrier on my way home from visiting my mom. I was tired of the disrespect. As soon as I moved out he promised to change if I came back. That my leaving was an “epiphany “. He texted and emailed constantly and would be nice if I was nice to him and mean if I ignored him. I filed for divorce 2 months ago because I was tired of the drama. He cannot accept this divorce and is BEGGING for ONE more chance. Saying he will go to counseling and he realized he just has extreme insecurity with me because I’m beautiful and intelligent and felt he never could measure up to me. He said he didn’t know why he didn’t listen to me but he’s willing to do anything to show me he can change. I’ve been unwavering through this separation but now I’m wondering if I should give him one last chance. I’m so stressed because he could change and life might be great with him but what if he doesn’t and I’m right back where I was. I don’t know why I’m letting him make me feel so guilty for telling him no. We did have good times too. But the bad times were bad even though he insists he acted that way only because he felt me pulling away and it drove him crazy. Please offer any insight and advice. There are days I feel so optimistic about my future life without him and days I wonder if I’m making a mistake.

 

You can give him another chance if you like, but it doesn't sound like the odds are good for you both, and you will be investing valuable time in each other and it will take a while to repair this, even with counseling. I'm not one for giving up on marriage easy but I don't like him texting a stripper or being abusive. A lot more than stripping happens in strip clubs.

[preraph]

Nearly all abusers are remorseful except for the sociopathic ones who have no empathy. Doesn't mean he can change.

 

Honestly, his sexual dysfunction is driving a lot of this. Why on earth he went to the strip club being dysfunctional is beyond me. Maybe he wanted to see if he could get aroused there.

 

Lots of impotent men do get violent. It makes them very angry. It, usually groundlessly, makes them feel like now their wife will HAVE to get sex elsewhere. They seem to have no concept that women aren't usually that way, that it's not always a dealbreaker, especially after decades of married life, which will ruin anyone's passion.

 

He's the one who needs counseling, but I see no reason to take him back.

Tell him he needs counseling, but that you'd had enough as soon as he hit you. Because that there is bad ethics. It's no accident. He can control himself and not hit his boss, I bet. So he wanted to do it. It's disrespect and other issues he has going on in his head.

 

Make him go. If therapy works for something like this, it takes years. There's no pill for this. I know you will sleep better once you have your own place and he doesn't have a key, because I know how frightening it is. He may get even worse when you leave, so plan it and have a safe place to go and don't tell him where.

 

Seriously, not many people would advise you "Oh, he only hit you a couple of times and he's sorry -- give him another chance." What he did is a dealbreaker. And if you have kids, the healthiest thing you can do is leave him to show them, whether they're male or female, that that kind of behavior is never to be tolerated, because if you act like it's normal and they grow up with it, they'll think that's normal and end up in abusive relationships too.

 

Good luck. Get some advice either online or a local women's shelter on how to leave.

[bathtub-row]

I strongly recommend that you read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You'll never feel guilty again. I promise.

 

All of these guys do this. The epiphany is that when they get left and have no one to interact with, they think they've changed. Not one single thing has changed except that you decided you wouldn't put up with his behavior and extracted yourself from the situation.

 

This is what I'd tell him: "You abused me physically and verbally. That's a complete deal-breaker for me and you crossed a line that you can't ever uncross. I have a new rule in my life; I don't give second chances. Perhaps you'll keep that in mind in your next relationship. I wish you luck."

[MidlifeMama]

Everyone has their absolute no-ways. You know, "If you ever do this, there is no way we can remain together."

 

Why have you started to question whether or not you should get out? In my book, physical or emotional abuse are my "No-Ways". I've been in that situation and would never tolerate it again. Even if I loved the man.

 

So love him and keep your memories but leave with your life and mind still intact.

 

Pouring a drink on your head..OMG! Think of it this way..if you have or had a daughter and her spouse acted this way, would you want her to give him a second or third chance?

 

He was already emotionally disconnected towards you prior to the abuse. Whether he is jealous or insecure or has ED or whatever, there is no excuse and he won't just suddenly start NOT feeling that way.

 

You have a lot going for yourself. I know it is hard to let go but you will survive it and heal. You may not survive the rest of your life with a man who can turn on you even if he feels he can "Change."

[JulyRainn]

Thank you everyone, for the replies.

I did buy and read the book, "Why Does He Do That?" and it was eye-opening.

I don't know why I feel torn...I guess because I invested 22 years of my life with him and he's begging me back. I don't know why he changed to such a mean guy. Last summer I thought, "Why am I taking this?" when he was yelling in my face to take him home from a party. I told him I would and to give me time to get my stuff and he kept yelling and then pushed me and walked home. I felt like I didn't know this man. I tried talking to him about his behavior and how it made me feel. I grew up with an abusive father and I told my husband he was taking me to a dark place and he kept saying he wasn't acting like my father. It was so frustrating. I wanted out. He could tell I was pulling away and it got worse. At Thanksgiving, I told him I was going out of town to see my family without him. He texted me to "hit a barrier on your way home". He was just being so hateful. Ugh. He wouldn't give me space after I moved out in December...kept texting and calling me and asking for another chance. Then saying he felt like killing himself. Then getting mean with me. I'm just tired of all this. A relationship, ESPECIALLY a marriage shouldn't be this hard. I keep telling him, he should have listened to me when I tried talking to him before I moved out. Then when he acted even more psycho, it pushed me to file for divorce. He threatened to go for half my pension. I had to agree to pay him an extra $10,000 from our house sale for him to agree to leave it alone. It's so frustrating...he's the one that acted horribly and I left for valid reasons and I have to pay him! He said, "If you want your freedom, you have to pay" Ugh again. Thanks for letting me vent. I am definitely going through with this divorce.

[bathtub-row]

This guy is a piece of work. You know, it's easy to forget how monstrous they are once you leave and get away from them. And they think they've changed because they're alone and have no one to beat up anymore. But I promise you that things would go right back to the way they were before -- and then get even worse.

 

Please don't forget about who he really is and please don't let him put you on a guilt trip. If you didn't learn anything else from that book you read, you might recall that out of thousands of abusers, the author realized there was a pattern. They all do the same thing -- first they're sorry, then a week later they're putting some of the blame on the other person, then another week later they fully blame the other person because they were provoked, etc. The other thing that really stood out to me is that these guys thrive on the powerful feeling they get when they control others. Which, as the author pointed out, makes them unwilling to change. Knowing those things truly changed my whole thinking about all of it.

[JulyRainn]

This guy is a piece of work. You know, it's easy to forget how monstrous they are once you leave and get away from them. And they think they've changed because they're alone and have no one to beat up anymore. But I promise you that things would go right back to the way they were before -- and then get even worse.

 

Please don't forget about who he really is and please don't let him put you on a guilt trip. If you didn't learn anything else from that book you read, you might recall that out of thousands of abusers, the author realized there was a pattern. They all do the same thing -- first they're sorry, then a week later they're putting some of the blame on the other person, then another week later they fully blame the other person because they were provoked, etc. The other thing that really stood out to me is that these guys thrive on the powerful feeling they get when they control others. Which, as the author pointed out, makes them unwilling to change. Knowing those things truly changed my whole thinking about all of it.

 

Yes, he has told me "I did that because you made me so mad." The part of the book that made me open my eyes wider was, "Abuse and respect are diametric opposites. You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect." That hurt. A lot. I was a very loving, giving, caring wife. I always supported his decisions. And for him to start treating me like that. I told him it's too big of a risk for me to go back to him. I also told him it's not good at all when your wife starts to become afraid of you. He promises to go to counseling but it's just too late. My feelings for him have changed. I know I deserve better.

[d0nnivain]

IMO $10,000 is a small price to pay for your safety & peace of mind. This man has physically & mentally abused you for far too long. Give him the cash & don't look back. Go get your doctorate. You will make the $$$ back in no time. You can't do any of that if he finally kills you or you do crash your car being so stressed out about what you are going to find when you get home.