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I can't get over my toxic ex and need need

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Old 17th May 2018, 8:38 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 14
I can't get over my toxic ex and need need

I'm 27 years old and have an ex who I was with for 8 years and who I have 3 kids with.

We were high school sweet hearts each others first everything and yes we lost our virginity together.

Our relationship was full of issues mostly dealing with b's from her family always getting in the way and she to me would chose her family over ours. To the point I left her not our kids but her and then we got back together.

About a little over 2 years ago we separated. Not our first time we separated but our 2nd time. And I don't mean break ups I mean devorce and court and such. Anyway the 2nd time she ended up cheating on me I feel it was my falt somewhat I grew distant and would not be in the mood for sex pay attention to her hold her at night I just well after dealing with bs for 8 years yea.

Anyway she left me for this guy. Oh man did it hurt like hell and yes I was deeply depressed mostly knowing we had a special connection together not just kids but our virginity. It bothered me so much knowing another man was with her in bed. Even while she was with the guy we would do everything but sex even doing things with the kids like she wanted to come back.

Eventually I got over her took me 5 months. Mostly after I got 50/50 of our kids she some how went to court for child support and won. It was like she kicked me while I was on the ground. I was still copping with the separation but after that I focused on my kids and moved on.

After that guy she left me for kept cheating on my ex and ended up leaving her she came back but we were parents with benifets. At first it was just sex we both went into it as that sex then I go my way she goes her way but after December we started doing more things with the kids together and more romantic stuff like dates hanging out, she would want me to cuddle, then she the kissing she would kiss me, she even invited me to stay over her place a few times for weeks when her Sister who she lives with was out of town. anyway I was thinking we could get back together I had a taste of being a family again but no she didn't want a relationship she said it was just parents with benifets.

Anyway for the past 10 months up until 3 weeks ago we had our ups and downs and small break ups 3 times were she would not deal with me but She would come back to me latter.

Now we are at our 4th time not dealing with each other.
Also I noticed she would just lay there for sex or not in the mood when I was for a week at the end of April. At first I though she is seeing someone else but no evidence and the fact we were always with each other and yea she would not lock her phone like she would she she cheated yea I looked through her phone too and nothing.

I want to move on but I can't I'm now back in the same boat and how I felt when we separated but not as bad.

Part of me wants her back part of me dosnt it's hard I can't stop thinking about her at times and I feel imberusse but I masterbaite to her or her doing that guy when I'm alone is that healthy?

I feel like was I a rebound for the rebound or she was just using me.

I feel like she dose not know what she wants

I feel like she wanted to get back but didn't know if it would work.

2 things are hard for me to forgive her 1 she kept me away from my kids for 3 months after our first separation and court. 2 she cheated. I forgave her yet part of me dosnt really forgive and if we ever got back would not trust her.

Also would she come back she seems to every time?

Also when I do no contact ever time she leaves me she comes right back but I'm the sucker to answer the first call or text thinking things would work out but it never dose. That's whay I'm doing right now.

Side note she tried to get a restraining order against me for no reson other then to keep me away when she left but she ended up braking it when she would call or text saying she missed me and us and wanting to work it out but never did. She ended up dropping the order just wanted to ad that.
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Old 18th May 2018, 7:39 AM   #2
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Because you share children, she will be in your life forever. So you are going to need tools to deal with her while protecting yourself.
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Old 18th May 2018, 8:22 AM   #3
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When you say part of you want her back, have a clear picture in your head of what it is that you would be getting back and not the memories of your high school sweet heart, loving wife etc.

From the way you describe it, it sounds like you've just become a security blanket while she checks in and out of the relationship as it suits her at that particular moment.

Is that enough for you?

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