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Divorce due to verbal abuse


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 12th June 2018, 9:13 AM   #46
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Reading that book opened my eyes to the fact that nothing would ever change. That was the end of the line for the relationship I was in at the time. Don’t forget, the author of that book dealt with literally thousands of abusers. The patterns became clear and his deductions were spot on. They’re all the same. They thrive on the power of controlling and manipulating others. That’s why they don’t change - they can’t let go of that rush they get from the power. It’s like a drug to them.

What I meant about not getting hung up on the things he does is that once you get caught in that loop of being appalled or trying to understand it or wondering if he really loves you, then you’re hooked in his game. It’s all designed to keep you hooked in one way or another. And that hook is your downfall. Don’t take the bait anymore. When he acts like an idiot, try to look at him and think, “Wow, you really are off-the-charts stupid.” Don’t take it personally. It’s who he is.

Another thing you’ll learn about yourself - you’ll never be fooled by this kind of guy ever again. I can spot them from a mile away. And you’re doing such a huge favor to your kids. Keep plugging.
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Old 12th June 2018, 10:19 AM   #47
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I’m so sorry to read that you dealt with something however I can sense how much better off you are now and how strong you are as well in drawing up the courage to leave that situation.

You are absolutely right in what you wrote about his baiting. It’s SO HARD not to fall or to get into with him because he seems 100% unphased right after big arguments. One minute “it’s all your fault. It’s all because of you. You love to make a scene”... and then...Completely normal. He still tries every single day to be affectionate despite the daily issues. It’s HARD to constantly feel angry towards him because he doesn’t get it. It doesn’t compute. But I’m trying so hard to not feel or go crazy.

I look forward to the day that this is in the past and that we are both happy because living in misery is one of the worst feelings. I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Thank you again, for always responding.
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Old 12th June 2018, 10:26 AM   #48
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Iím so sorry to read that you dealt with something however I can sense how much better off you are now and how strong you are as well in drawing up the courage to leave that situation.

You are absolutely right in what you wrote about his baiting. Itís SO HARD not to fall or to get into with him because he seems 100% unphased right after big arguments. One minute ďitís all your fault. Itís all because of you. You love to make a sceneĒ... and then...Completely normal. He still tries every single day to be affectionate despite the daily issues. Itís HARD to constantly feel angry towards him because he doesnít get it. It doesnít compute. But Iím trying so hard to not feel or go crazy.

I look forward to the day that this is in the past and that we are both happy because living in misery is one of the worst feelings. I wouldnít wish on anyone.

Thank you again, for always responding.
Part of that is because the "affectionate" part is what he's interested in keeping going despite all the discord. Meanwhile, he's constantly trying to tamp you down and gaslight you, make you feel it's all your fault so he doesn't have any responsibility or have to make any changes.
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Old 12th June 2018, 10:26 AM   #49
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Our marriage was relatively short-lived and I never had kids with him. Still it did take strength to walk away. The truth is, I rarely even think about him anymore. Iím very glad to be away from him and live a fun and independent life. I wish the same for you and your children.
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Old 13th June 2018, 10:24 AM   #50
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Part of that is because the "affectionate" part is what he's interested in keeping going despite all the discord. Meanwhile, he's constantly trying to tamp you down and gaslight you, make you feel it's all your fault so he doesn't have any responsibility or have to make any changes.
This is true. Itís what my gut tells me. The affection doesnít seem sincere most of the time since he gets upset when I donít show it in return.
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Old 13th June 2018, 10:25 AM   #51
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Our marriage was relatively short-lived and I never had kids with him. Still it did take strength to walk away. The truth is, I rarely even think about him anymore. Iím very glad to be away from him and live a fun and independent life. I wish the same for you and your children.
Thank you for all of your advice<3
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Old 13th June 2018, 11:34 AM   #52
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This is true. Itís what my gut tells me. The affection doesnít seem sincere most of the time since he gets upset when I donít show it in return.
Unlike most women, men will want to have sex even when nothing is going well, even if they hate you, even if there was just an ugly fight. Their emotions do not need to line up for them to want sex. And they know women need to want to emotionally not just physically, so they will act nice long enough to get sex, and unfortunately, this fools women into thinking they care more than they do.
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Old 13th June 2018, 1:38 PM   #53
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Unlike most women, men will want to have sex even when nothing is going well, even if they hate you, even if there was just an ugly fight. Their emotions do not need to line up for them to want sex. And they know women need to want to emotionally not just physically, so they will act nice long enough to get sex, and unfortunately, this fools women into thinking they care more than they do.
Ive experienced this first hand, preraph.
Recently we got into the pre sex fight. I call it that because he wants it and I don’t so the fight begins. Before work or before bed. I remember before giving in that I told him “if I lay in this bed and have sex with you. I’m filing for divorce the moment I get up”
And his response was “fine”
5 seconds went by and he says “no. Forget it”. So it didn’t happen. I’ve explained EXACTLY what you just wrote. How i need to be there, emotionally and mentally. I can’t have sex with someone I’m angry with. He doesn’t need that. Doesn’t care for it however acknowledges I do BUT... it doesn’t matter.
He still wants it. Whether I’m mentally/emotionally there or not.

I can’t say I haven’t tried breaking it down piece by piece on the issues that are important and matter to me and how most of the time he acknowledges my feelings but disregards them. It’s moments like those that I get angry at myself for allowing this to happen daily. I can’t find a way to avoid it because we live together and he carries on normally.

I’ve told him how him laying there just expecting it isn’t romantic. There is no effort on his behalf. Not that the effor would matter or that even I try because i don’t. It’s patheric but I don’t have it in me to fake anything. I get out of the shower and he’s there, ready. This is so personal but it’s just mind blowing how up front I am with him and how little effort he makes

Again- can’t say I haven’t tried communicating.

Last edited by Aja3; 13th June 2018 at 1:41 PM..
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Old 13th June 2018, 2:15 PM   #54
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I'm so sorry. It's just not uncommon for sex to be the number one reason a man keeps a woman around and they want it no matter what until you gain 10 pounds. Even then they want it but gripe about it. It's no way to live.
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Old 22nd June 2018, 9:26 AM   #55
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Hello. I am a teenager whose parents were in the exact same position. My father got so bad as he once choked my older brother and threw him out. They are now recently separated and I couldn't be more relieved. I feel safer and have less anxiety around them. My mom was so painfully verbally abused for 22 years it has been almost impossible to reverse the mental damage. Please don't stay until it's too late. An abusive marriage is not good for anyone involved. Hope my experience as a child of an abusive marriage may help you.
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Old 22nd June 2018, 2:11 PM   #56
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Yes. I do see your point. He says he “needs” it and when I fight him over it he tells me “you can’t do this to me”. He also brought up how “this” meaning me and my reluctance to want to engage is the reason why men stray. Although I know it’s true I still remain unmotivated.
Thank you for reading.
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Old 22nd June 2018, 2:12 PM   #57
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[QUOTE=preraph;7580283]I'm so sorry. It's just not uncommon for sex to be the number one reason a man keeps a woman around and they want it no matter what until you gain 10 pounds. Even then they want it but gripe about it. It's no way to live.


Yes. I do see your point. He says he ďneedsĒ it and when I fight him over it he tells me ďyou canít do this to meĒ. He also brought up how ďthisĒ meaning me and my reluctance to want to engage is the reason why men stray. Although I know itís true I still remain unmotivated.
Thank you for reading.
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Old 22nd June 2018, 2:20 PM   #58
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Hello. I am a teenager whose parents were in the exact same position. My father got so bad as he once choked my older brother and threw him out. They are now recently separated and I couldn't be more relieved. I feel safer and have less anxiety around them. My mom was so painfully verbally abused for 22 years it has been almost impossible to reverse the mental damage. Please don't stay until it's too late. An abusive marriage is not good for anyone involved. Hope my experience as a child of an abusive marriage may help you.
OwlLover.
It breaks my heart to have to read what you wrote. It is alleviating to know you are no longer having to be exposed to the turmoil amongst your parents and Iím sorry you had to witness it for as long as you did. Your mom is a strong woman for having the courage to finally stand up for herself and get out of such a destructive situation. Your words mean a lot as my daughter is 14 and I know suffers from some sort of constsnt anxiety due to what sheís witnessed. My son alike. Thank you for your feedback.
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Old 22nd June 2018, 2:21 PM   #59
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Hello. I am a teenager whose parents were in the exact same position. My father got so bad as he once choked my older brother and threw him out. They are now recently separated and I couldn't be more relieved. I feel safer and have less anxiety around them. My mom was so painfully verbally abused for 22 years it has been almost impossible to reverse the mental damage. Please don't stay until it's too late. An abusive marriage is not good for anyone involved. Hope my experience as a child of an abusive marriage may help you.
So sorry you went through that. I know how hard it makes it to sleep at night. My dad was funny and loving 98 percent of the time, but it was that 2 percent rage that kept me awake at night wondering if he would harm my mother.
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Old 22nd June 2018, 2:22 PM   #60
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[QUOTE=Aja3;7585863]
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
I'm so sorry. It's just not uncommon for sex to be the number one reason a man keeps a woman around and they want it no matter what until you gain 10 pounds. Even then they want it but gripe about it. It's no way to live.


Yes. I do see your point. He says he ďneedsĒ it and when I fight him over it he tells me ďyou canít do this to meĒ. He also brought up how ďthisĒ meaning me and my reluctance to want to engage is the reason why men stray. Although I know itís true I still remain unmotivated.
Thank you for reading.
It's a sad reality. Sex not attached to emotion at all.
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