LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

Divorce due to verbal abuse


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Like Tree116Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 22nd March 2018, 2:13 AM   #16
Member
 
Popsicle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 8,663
You don't realize this yet but he doesn't rule your world. He is nothing. Leave him and get yourself back. You are everything and you will grow stronger and learn to love yourself on your own after you leave. Ignore everything he says. Let him rot by himself in his own evilness. Yes he will try to exact his wrath on you for leaving him but he is abusing you already if you stay. Except if you stay the abuse will be forever, whereas if you leave it will only be temporary. Make a plan for your new bright future (without him) and leave. Your kids will be happier too.
Popsicle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2018, 1:06 PM   #17
Member
 
Aja3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 48
Popsicle- you're right. I feel drained daily. I write on here from work or from my phone during work hours. It's insane how he's completely okay every day after these arguments and then doesn't understand how I can possible be distant. He even expects intimacy after the arguments... if that doesn't make you feel crazy enough.
Mentally- it makes me feel like I'm losing my mind because I start to second guess if I even should be upset. If he's okay, why am I not okay?
Aja3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2018, 1:08 PM   #18
Member
 
Aja3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Make a plan because he'll go ballistic when you try to leave. You can call a women's shelter or a hotline and get some tips from them how the safest way to leave is (when he's not there, obviously. Save money and sneak items out little by little beforehand). But most important is have a safe place to go where you'll either be protected OR he can't find you. And get an attorney first thing. Even if you can't afford it. You'll need one to get loose from him and they will get paid later by your joint worth.
This is the biggest fear. How ballistic he will go? That's what's kept me back all of these years.
I do have an appointment with an attorney this afternoon in hopes of knowing how this will go about when he realizes this is moving forward.
I really do thank you for taking the time to respond.
Aja3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2018, 2:17 PM   #19
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: PA
Posts: 4
Oh my, I'm so glad you have reached out to get some help! What you have described is absolutely abuse. You do NOT deserve it and it is not ok! You have received some very good tips on here. Here https://bit.ly/2DNcpPQ is confirmation. Stay strong. You can do this!
chinaandback is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2018, 6:10 PM   #20
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 24,132
If the attorney offers no safety measures, do contact a women's shelter or a national abuse hotline and see if you can get some tips from them how to leave. Since you do have kids, you can't just totally take the kids and hide, so that's where the lawyer comes in. Also, ask the attorney if it's possible to get a protective order or not.

If the attorney is staying out of that stuff, by all means call your sheriff's office and ask for some tips to be safe getting away from him. Not knowing where you are, big city or small, it's hard to tell you. Big city has women's shelters who can at least advise you and at best house you and the kids temporarily.

One thing -- be sure he doesn't have tracking devices on you or the kids' phones. If so, leave those phones somewhere and get new ones that aren't trackable.

If you're in a small or rural community, a local sheriff might be of some assistance as much as he can by law.

If you have a big brother or a father who are protective, by all means get them rallied around you.

When my mom left my dad the first time, he drove around all the motels until he found her car. He didn't do anything bad once there, but this is not atypical behavior. Hopefully the attorney can get accounts frozen or protected so he can't just take all the money and run.

Calm down. He's been verbally abusive and if he's ever going to get physical, yes, this is when, but he may not. Just take all precautions and have a plan and a place to live in place. Not where he can find you.

Also, local police or sheriff may know how to contact the women's shelters, etc. Sometimes in bigger departments they have a "victim's advocate" that has very good advice, so use all resources available and you'll be okay.

Remember you can get some pepper spray or whatever nonlethal devices are legal where you live, maybe a stun gun, just in case. And take your dogs with you so he doesn't go off on them AND so they can smell and hear him coming before you do and alert you. They are priceless for that.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2018, 6:49 PM   #21
Member
 
Aja3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by chinaandback View Post
Oh my, I'm so glad you have reached out to get some help! What you have described is absolutely abuse. You do NOT deserve it and it is not ok! You have received some very good tips on here. Here https://bit.ly/2DNcpPQ is confirmation. Stay strong. You can do this!
Thank you for that link. I read it and felt a bit sick just to know all the criteria is met for abuse. thank you for your support! After speaking with an attorney this afternoon I am feeling a bit more uneasy. Who knows how he’ll react.
Aja3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2018, 6:54 PM   #22
Member
 
Aja3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
If the attorney offers no safety measures, do contact a women's shelter or a national abuse hotline and see if you can get some tips from them how to leave. Since you do have kids, you can't just totally take the kids and hide, so that's where the lawyer comes in. Also, ask the attorney if it's possible to get a protective order or not.

If the attorney is staying out of that stuff, by all means call your sheriff's office and ask for some tips to be safe getting away from him. Not knowing where you are, big city or small, it's hard to tell you. Big city has women's shelters who can at least advise you and at best house you and the kids temporarily.

One thing -- be sure he doesn't have tracking devices on you or the kids' phones. If so, leave those phones somewhere and get new ones that aren't trackable.

If you're in a small or rural community, a local sheriff might be of some assistance as much as he can by law.

If you have a big brother or a father who are protective, by all means get them rallied around you.

When my mom left my dad the first time, he drove around all the motels until he found her car. He didn't do anything bad once there, but this is not atypical behavior. Hopefully the attorney can get accounts frozen or protected so he can't just take all the money and run.

Calm down. He's been verbally abusive and if he's ever going to get physical, yes, this is when, but he may not. Just take all precautions and have a plan and a place to live in place. Not where he can find you.

Also, local police or sheriff may know how to contact the women's shelters, etc. Sometimes in bigger departments they have a "victim's advocate" that has very good advice, so use all resources available and you'll be okay.

Remember you can get some pepper spray or whatever nonlethal devices are legal where you live, maybe a stun gun, just in case. And take your dogs with you so he doesn't go off on them AND so they can smell and hear him coming before you do and alert you. They are priceless for that.
The attorney I spoke with recommend pretty much to the T what all of you have suggested. If he’s verbally abusive then I need to have an exit plan in place. Choosing whether to stay and endure the misery while the process is on going or just leaving if I feel unsafe. I do have pictures of past physical scenarios. Shoving bruises, my daughters nail being kicked off of her nail bed “by accident”, recordings of screaming. If I don’t document this then for sure I would think I was going crazy and over reacting to his “yelling”.

I will be making an appointment to personally meet with her sometime next week. The thought of pushing this through makes me sick to my stomach not knowing what will happen or how he will react. There are 3 guns in the home too in a safe which I mentioned to the attorney because you just never really know. I don’t have access to them.

I will keep you posted in case anyone else reading could be going through the same thing.
Thank you so much for your input and support.
Aja3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd March 2018, 7:35 PM   #23
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 24,132
Well, he can get physical, so you need to sneak enough stuff out to get you and the girls by and move out while divorcing, which is a long process. Sometimes if there's no one else, a sheriff will stand by while you take some things out of the house. If the girls and you are willing to give a statement, then it sounds like a protective order ought to be obtainable, but it comes down to the judge. Some are sympathetic, and some are not.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd March 2018, 12:36 PM   #24
Member
 
Popsicle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 8,663
He may go ballastic so I second the advice to talk to a women's shelter first. Men absolutely HATE divorce, all of them, but the controlling ones will go to extreme measures to get revenge, like trying to harm you or at the very least trying to take the kids away from you with no visitation. They are so angry that you left them they want you to pay for it and suffer. They think they own you like property and think so little of you. They want to destroy you for daring to leave them and having your own mind. He will fight. Be ready and be strong. Persevere. In the end you will be a winner.
Popsicle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th March 2018, 9:41 AM   #25
Member
 
Aja3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Well, he can get physical, so you need to sneak enough stuff out to get you and the girls by and move out while divorcing, which is a long process. Sometimes if there's no one else, a sheriff will stand by while you take some things out of the house. If the girls and you are willing to give a statement, then it sounds like a protective order ought to be obtainable, but it comes down to the judge. Some are sympathetic, and some are not.
I agree with you.
I think he senses he’s in the wrong. He’s acting very remorseful. Or it can all be a part of the act. I intend on moving forward. I have an appointment with an attorney. She’s already provided me with a free consultation so now I need to save or take out a loan or figure out how to get the funds to get this started.
I appreciate you taking the time to write.
Aja3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th March 2018, 9:42 AM   #26
Member
 
Aja3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by Popsicle View Post
He may go ballastic so I second the advice to talk to a women's shelter first. Men absolutely HATE divorce, all of them, but the controlling ones will go to extreme measures to get revenge, like trying to harm you or at the very least trying to take the kids away from you with no visitation. They are so angry that you left them they want you to pay for it and suffer. They think they own you like property and think so little of you. They want to destroy you for daring to leave them and having your own mind. He will fight. Be ready and be strong. Persevere. In the end you will be a winner.
Thank you so much for your words.
They’re so helpful right now.
Aja3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th March 2018, 10:07 AM   #27
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 8,443
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aja3 View Post
I think he senses he’s in the wrong. He’s acting very remorseful. Or it can all be a part of the act.
That's the thing with a abuse. Abusers, are rarely abusive all the the time. If they were, you would leave, right?

He'd much rather switch things up to keep you off balance - show you some kindness and you won't want to leave... He still maintains control.

This is not genuine remorse. It's a power play. He's exerting his control, just in a different way...

But, you are wise to that, right? You are not going to fall for it.

Continue on your path. Prepare to take your children and leave the home. The time is now.
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th March 2018, 10:29 AM   #28
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 58,074
When he isn't home, start putting away valuables in boxes and get your mom to pick them up.

Get counseling too, it'll help you get stronger so you can finally leave him! You and your children deserve so much better!
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th May 2018, 2:53 PM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 161
Oh my goodness!

Op, your situation completely mirrors what mine was with my (now) ex husband. The only difference was he never physically struck me. I wish he had as I would have got rid of him much quicker. Like yourself I came here desperately looking for advice on how to escape.

I won’t lie, it was the fight of my life. His narcissism went through the roof as he went into narcissist injury (read up on this it’s important) mode. I had to fight for my freedom, fight for my life, my kids, everything. 4 court appearances and 30k lighter I succeeded. It was an utterly miserable and painful experience but worth every penny.

Do not be afraid. It will be extremely difficult, I won’t lie to you but you will do it. Get away from this awful man. Get into lioness mode and fight for your children and their safety.
You deserve a better life than this. Don’t waste any more of your life on an individual who cannot and will not ever know what it’s like to truely love and respect someone
Calmandfocused is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th May 2018, 2:35 PM   #30
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 24,132
Abusive and violent guys are nearly always remorseful, but that doesn't mean they won't do it again. The only ones who aren't remorseful are true sociopaths or psychopaths. There are people who have anger issues that probably stem from childhood and they go off and at that moment, feel they can't control themselves. But then a lot of them just do it to gain control. Then they apologize when that backfires and are remorseful that it didn't work!

Just keep making those plans and glad you met with an attorney. Stay safe. Get out as soon as you can.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
verbal abuse haven Abuse 0 11th January 2014 6:31 PM
Is verbal abuse grounds for divorce?! missjackied Marriage & Life Partnerships 8 18th March 2009 1:39 AM
Is this verbal abuse? Rover Marriage & Life Partnerships 19 31st January 2008 9:05 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:23 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.