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Divorce due to verbal abuse


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Old 20th March 2018, 6:06 PM   #1
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Divorce due to verbal abuse

Hello all,

Iíve browsed a few pages of threads and havenít come across any specific dealing with what Iím going through so Iím starting a new thread. I apologize in advance if this has already been addressed.

I have been married for 15 years to my husband whoís 8 years my senior. I am 35. We have two children. 14 and 11. I have been in a verbally abusive marriage for mostly all of the years Iíve been married. It wasnít until recently that I acknowledged the fact that Iíve been enduring years of verbal abuse. At times physical. Shoving, intentionally tripping, grabbing things forcefully, being cornered. One time even face spitting. Some of these things happen in front of the children. It took me a while to realize the abuse because for many years (when I was much younger) I found it almost normal, warranted. As Iíve grown, matured and created expectations as a woman- I come to realize that none of the behavior is normal.

My husband will verbally berate me over minuscule topics, drag on the berating for a good 2 hours. Get over it and be fine. Meanwhile Iím left feeling like a piece of crap. After going through this over and over AND OVER... I started to think he was bipolar. Even his own mother feels the same was as he also puts her down with words. When things get terrible- heís wished her death.

After research Iíve come to the conclusion that he is the epitome of a narcsssit and now I know what Iím dealing with however none of it, my day to day living with him, doesnít come any easier after this acknowledgment.

His disrespect towards me is blatant. I do stand up for myself but am shut down immediately which then escalates the entire situation. My daughter, who is now 14 has very little respect for him as he also puts her down. Unfortunately - both of the kids meddle whenever heís putting me down for whatever reason comes up. Itís almost as if heís fighting 3 people.

Last week, the oldest child was pushed out of the house, door locked- for asking how he expects respect if he canít respect his own wife?
She got kicked out by him. Then he told me to go get her from the street as she was making ďa sceneĒ aka crying.
Heís kicked my mother out for also standing up for me whenever a senseless argument comes up.

Basically- if youíre not with him. Youíre against him.
15 years of this self imposed mental torture has been enough. I say self imposed bc Iíve chosen to stay.
I donít know how to leave. Where to begin. What to do.
The authorities have come to my home due to his screaming which was heard by the alarm company operator. Our alarm sensor went off due to his yelling, when the alarm company called- they must have heard him and within 5 minutes... police were at the door.

A blessing in disguise otherwise who knows how long it would have lasted.

Can anyone offer any insight? Advice? Suggestions?
When the time comes to leave, I do have the support of my parents who know exactly what Iím dealing with.
But I am afraid to leave but know that for the mental health of myself and children... this has to end.

Thank you for reading
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Old 20th March 2018, 6:19 PM   #2
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The time to leave is now.

Your children recognize this as abuse, and they do not want to see their father being abusive to their mother. To say this is unhealthy is an understatement.

Go to your parents. Pack some clothing, take your children, and go to your parents. You are so lucky - so many women leave and they have nowhere to go.

But, before you leave - get some money together. You will need it.

Go to a woman's counseling center, women's shelter, call a crisis hotline... they will tell you exactly what to do.

Get a lawyer. You will want to file for divorce, child support, and perhaps a restraining order.

And then, get some counseling for you and your kids. You have all experienced significant trauma. Your kids need to educated on domestic violence so that they can learn from this, and not repeat it in their own lives.

Protect your children, if you are not able to leave for yourself. Best wishes.
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Old 20th March 2018, 6:19 PM   #3
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I came from a household where there was some verbal abuse and raging. As a child, I can only stress to you how petrified I was and how much of a nervous wreck this made me. My parents acted as if I wasn't even there. I'd go in my room and just sit as quiet and still as I could scared out of my wits. When I got up a little older, I'd hear it starting and slip out and go ride my scooter and just stay gone.

At night I couldn't sleep. My mom was in one end of the house. My dad and I had bedrooms at the back of the house. Anytime he got up at night even to just go pee, I'd wait wondering if he was going to do something to my mother. I knew he had a deer rifle. Sometimes just to calm myself I'd sneak into his closet and just make sure it was there and he didn't take it with him.

I'm telling you the BEST thing you can do for both yourself and your kids is show those kids by leaving him that that kind of abuse is NOT something they should ever do OR put up with being done to them. You and he are their role models for their future relationships! It's time to show them not to take it or dish it out by your strong example.

Good luck.
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Old 20th March 2018, 6:23 PM   #4
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Honestly, this man sounds dangerous. I would wait until he's at work and pack your things/kids, and go to a safe place like your parents house or a friend's that he doesn't know about. Then I would have him served with divorce papers. I'm sure there are probably abuse hotlines or services in your area where you can get more specific advice about how to leave. Men like this become more belligerent when you take steps to empower yourself and leave the relationship, so be careful and wise about how you decide to go about it.

I don't know what the legalities are with the involvement of your children, so I'm not sure if you would need to have a police report or anything to document some of the incidents at your home. I would definitely make sure to contact some domestic violence centers and/or lawyers to seek advice on the process.
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Old 20th March 2018, 6:44 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
The time to leave is now.

Your children recognize this as abuse, and they do not want to see their father being abusive to their mother. To say this is unhealthy is an understatement.

Go to your parents. Pack some clothing, take your children, and go to your parents. You are so lucky - so many women leave and they have nowhere to go.

But, before you leave - get some money together. You will need it.

Go to a woman's counseling center, women's shelter, call a crisis hotline... they will tell you exactly what to do.

Get a lawyer. You will want to file for divorce, child support, and perhaps a restraining order.

And then, get some counseling for you and your kids. You have all experienced significant trauma. Your kids need to educated on domestic violence so that they can learn from this, and not repeat it in their own lives.

Protect your children, if you are not able to leave for yourself. Best wishes.
Thank you for your insight. I really appreciate it.
Itís so helpful to confirm that none of this is right. Iíve stayed so long and I just donít know why and to read this feedback helps me realize I canít keep sticking around thank you.
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Old 20th March 2018, 6:45 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
I came from a household where there was some verbal abuse and raging. As a child, I can only stress to you how petrified I was and how much of a nervous wreck this made me. My parents acted as if I wasn't even there. I'd go in my room and just sit as quiet and still as I could scared out of my wits. When I got up a little older, I'd hear it starting and slip out and go ride my scooter and just stay gone.

At night I couldn't sleep. My mom was in one end of the house. My dad and I had bedrooms at the back of the house. Anytime he got up at night even to just go pee, I'd wait wondering if he was going to do something to my mother. I knew he had a deer rifle. Sometimes just to calm myself I'd sneak into his closet and just make sure it was there and he didn't take it with him.

I'm telling you the BEST thing you can do for both yourself and your kids is show those kids by leaving him that that kind of abuse is NOT something they should ever do OR put up with being done to them. You and he are their role models for their future relationships! It's time to show them not to take it or dish it out by your strong example.

Good luck.
Wow. Iím so sorry you had to deal with that uncertainty. We all live the same way. Even the dog runs and hides when he gets home. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and provide your feedback.
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Old 20th March 2018, 7:26 PM   #7
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Dogs have excellent instincts and are instinctual judges of character.
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Old 20th March 2018, 7:32 PM   #8
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You do need to leave as soon as possible, today if you can. You need to enlist the help of your parents, to move your belongings out of the house while your husband is out for a few hours. If you can't move out while he's not there, get police to supervise while you move your stuff out, or at the very least a male who can protect you. Don't speak to him or engage with him about the separation, just ignore him and get on with it. If he is a narcissist he'll be gas-lighting you every step of the way, just block your ears and get out. Then you need to organise a restraining order so that he can't come and cause trouble at your parents house, and notify your children's schools, and maybe parents of their closest friends, and anyone else who is involved in your children's day to day lives. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed, or feel that you're being a burden, you'll be surprised how sympathetic and caring people will be once you ask for help and support. Most of all, don't start feeling that you're over-reacting and blowing things out of proportion, narcissists are very adept at gas-lighting and making you feel that you're the trouble-maker, causing a big scene about trivial matters and being a nuisance to everyone.
If he's NPD then there's very little to no chance he will ever change and trying to help him will be a waste of everyone's time. Just get away from him and start to heal the damage to yourself and your kids. After living with it for so long your kids need to know that you love them enough to get them away from the abuse, this is extremely important. If he gets access to the kids make sure it's under supervision. When he starts trying to wheedle his way back into your heart, don't let him under any circumstances. They never change, but they're very clever at changing their behaviour to achieve an end. NPD's are very seriously disturbed people and you don't know how far they'll go if you interfere with their agenda by exposing their behaviour.
Very best of luck and a big hug.
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Old 20th March 2018, 9:07 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Aja3 View Post
Thank you for your insight. I really appreciate it.
It’s so helpful to confirm that none of this is right. I’ve stayed so long and I just don’t know why and to read this feedback helps me realize I can’t keep sticking around thank you.
No, you can't keep sticking around... Staying, is harming your children.

Your children have the strength to stand up for themselves, and for you. Now, it's your turn to gather the strength and stand up - for them. Get them to safety. Give them the opportunity for a calm and peaceful home.

The time to leave is now.

Last edited by BaileyB; 20th March 2018 at 9:10 PM..
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Old 21st March 2018, 2:19 AM   #10
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But I am afraid to leave but know that for the mental health of myself and children... this has to end.
Afraid you sound as locked in this toxic dance as he does, co-dependent to his obvious personality disorder. How else do you explain subjecting yourself - and your kids - to a decade or more of this?

As others have counseled, therapy could help you understand why you haven't felt enabled to stand up for yourself in the face of obvious abuse. Once you're separated, that's where I'd start. Hopefully, it will also prepare you for the manipulation and pleading for reconciliation that will surely follow...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 21st March 2018, 10:21 AM   #11
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thank you so much for your words. I've been STUCK for years just fearing the reaction and how it will be. I've heard things such as he says when it's over- not me. No one wants my baggage. What haven't I heard. Insane how much words can eat at your core when you're weak. I will take everyone's advice here and get moving on this. The anger comes in waves. 5 bad days followed by 2 days of making up for the bad days... and repeat. OVER and OVER.
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Old 21st March 2018, 10:24 AM   #12
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I agree with you Mr. Lucky. It's been too long and I realize this NOW. It's been all I know and why I thought I HAD to accept it. "for better or worse".
Obviously this isn't the right approach. I know the manipulation afterwards is going to SUCK. Via the kids, my parents, myself. everyone.
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Old 21st March 2018, 4:22 PM   #13
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I agree with you Mr. Lucky. It's been too long and I realize this NOW. It's been all I know and why I thought I HAD to accept it. "for better or worse".
Obviously this isn't the right approach. I know the manipulation afterwards is going to SUCK. Via the kids, my parents, myself. everyone.
He can try as much as he wants to manipulate you after you leave, but he won't be successful if you shore up your defenses, get a restraining order, and stay with your parents. You must be strong and say - enough! I'm not listening anymore.

I can appreciate how hard this will be and how distorted your thinking will be after hearing these comments for years. But, you do not have to accept it! Not one day more!

He doesn't decide when it's over, you do! He will hate that, but it's true. He has ruled with fear and intimidation for too long.

And, do not believe him when he tells you that you have too much baggage and nobody will want you. Other's on this board who have been in similar situations will tell you that you will not believe the freedom you will feel, once you get out of that home and away from him for a while. If anything, he is probably insecure because he knows no other emotionally healthy woman will want him or tolerate this kind of behavior!

Have you done anything we have suggest this week - made an appointment with a lawyer, talked to a counsellor, started planning your escape?
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Old 21st March 2018, 6:28 PM   #14
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He can try as much as he wants to manipulate you after you leave, but he won't be successful if you shore up your defenses, get a restraining order, and stay with your parents. You must be strong and say - enough! I'm not listening anymore.

I can appreciate how hard this will be and how distorted your thinking will be after hearing these comments for years. But, you do not have to accept it! Not one day more!

He doesn't decide when it's over, you do! He will hate that, but it's true. He has ruled with fear and intimidation for too long.

And, do not believe him when he tells you that you have too much baggage and nobody will want you. Other's on this board who have been in similar situations will tell you that you will not believe the freedom you will feel, once you get out of that home and away from him for a while. If anything, he is probably insecure because he knows no other emotionally healthy woman will want him or tolerate this kind of behavior!

Have you done anything we have suggest this week - made an appointment with a lawyer, talked to a counsellor, started planning your escape?
Thank you, BaileyB

I’ve taken some time during work breaks to look through the verbal abuse topics listed on here from other posters. Just to get an idea of what others have been through and what might have helped them.

I have reached out to an attorney who provided an over the phone consultation 2 years ago (That was the first time I actually “tried” to get the ball rolling) however this time I’ve requested an appointment to discusss the process and get something concrete in writing to get this moving. There’s never a perfect time. My oldest is going into high school and there’s all of these events coming up for her. I don’t want to ruin her moment with this but I just don’t see the “right time” to ever roll around. Last week when she was kicked out she asked me how I haven’t divorced someone like “dad”?

So hard to keep this going. I will get out and I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Thank you for your support.
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Old 21st March 2018, 7:08 PM   #15
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Make a plan because he'll go ballistic when you try to leave. You can call a women's shelter or a hotline and get some tips from them how the safest way to leave is (when he's not there, obviously. Save money and sneak items out little by little beforehand). But most important is have a safe place to go where you'll either be protected OR he can't find you. And get an attorney first thing. Even if you can't afford it. You'll need one to get loose from him and they will get paid later by your joint worth.
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