Marriage at breaking point...

[Sweetness2018]

So I am at the end of my tether and feel I need to get out of my marriage. I'm coming up to my 10year wedding anniversary and I no longer feel like me. My oh won't commit to doing anything to celebrate and has not put any effort into the last few birthdays, Christmases or even mother's days. I love my children dearly but I think they are starting to suffer as both myself and my oh are always stressed and grumpy. I told my oh that I needed some space the other day in order to find myself again and since then he hasn't spoken to me. We have been struggling for a good year or so with our differences but can never talk properly without him getting offended. He also makes me cringe these days when he makes advances in the bedroom department. To makes things worse I have feelings for another guy who talks to me a lot and makes me feel like me again - I don't know if there is the possibility for any type of relationship with him but now not sure where to go...

[BluesPower]

So I am at the end of my tether and feel I need to get out of my marriage. I'm coming up to my 10year wedding anniversary and I no longer feel like me. My oh won't commit to doing anything to celebrate and has not put any effort into the last few birthdays, Christmases or even mother's days. I love my children dearly but I think they are starting to suffer as both myself and my oh are always stressed and grumpy.

 

I told my oh that I needed some space the other day in order to find myself again and since then he hasn't spoken to me. We have been struggling for a good year or so with our differences but can never talk properly without him getting offended. He also makes me cringe these days when he makes advances in the bedroom department. To makes things worse I have feelings for another guy who talks to me a lot and makes me feel like me again - I don't know if there is the possibility for any type of relationship with him but now not sure where to go...

 

Well let me tell you where to go from here... you need to make some decisions.

 

First off, do not have an affair if you have not already. Are you talking to this other guy about your marriage? Have you confided things that really are private? Then you probably already are having an emotional affair.

 

Next, you need to get this guy out of your life for now. Because when you are making decisions like divorce or not, you don't want another person clouding the issue.

 

These decisions are life changing and you need to make them with a clear head.

 

Can you tell us more about the marriage? It would help to advise you more.

 

Has he just lost interest in you and the marriage?

 

Or what?

[Sweetness2018]

It feels like we have nothing in common any more. There are no sparks and conversation just get blown out of proportion. My oh cannot separate his home life with me and the kids from his work. He cannot tell them that he needs to do pick up once a week or plan ahead. He always says he doesnt like his job but wont do anything about it. We seem to be second to everything he does. If things dont revolve around him then hes not happy. Hes even planned to go on a boys holiday leaving on mothersday this year without consulting first - i would never stop him from going but would at least expect a discussion over dates.

 

The other guy is a good friend but is not local - he wouldnt get involved whilst i was in a relationship.

[d0nnivain]

If you hope to fix your marriage stop interacting with the other guy.

 

 

Tell your husband some of what you told us & get into MC. You both need to work together to fix what's wrong & you probably don't have the tools to do it alone. You need help.

 

 

If he won't acknowledge the problem or roll up his sleeves to fix it, there is nothing you can do but divorce.

 

 

Best wishes.

[maxi105]

hi there sweetness2018, welcome to the shack:D

 

but, oh dear, this is a sad tale for a new member to be telling; but if I am totally honest with you - I don't think your marriage is actually worth fixing from what you have told us. (if this turns around then great, but I think the effort really needs to be shown - and quickly!!! from him...and I don't see it the way things seem to be going.

 

I think your husband is probably as tired about this marriage that sounds stale and as though it is hanging on for dear life without any one making any of the changes that need to be made with a solution to go forward, with or without the other one - possibly for fear of being seen as the one that broke the marriage.

 

I think that the boys holiday is a deliberate get out to escape not only another family commitment, but to escape you and the home environment and atmosphere.

 

I suspect it is also another opportunity to be around attractive women (I'm not suggesting that your husband will cheat, but the opportunity is there definitely (as there would be if you were going away on a all female trip and you were getting sick and tired of your husband, you would be exposed to good looking men and anyone without their partner will notice them, anyone taken in by booze and good friends out for laugh in an exotic place where they are far from home etc...is likely to be egged on or at least feel temptation in the air! it's feasible (but not a certain thing, but he has no respect for you so unfortunately the chances are that bit higher).

 

bluespower is absolutely right in that you do need to start making decisions.

 

you also need to think about the consequences too because with a family they will need to have stability and you will need to think about living arrangements, separating for a while and talking to the professionals about what divorce if you do decide that might be an option (what that will mean to your personal circumstances in every aspect).

 

will you have support if you leave this man? of course finances and child welfare is a biggie to think about.

 

it's sad that someone you have spent so much time with doesn't want to share celebrations with you like Christmas and Birthdays etc..especially as you have a family

 

I think if you can get away from this man for a while it will help you clear you head a little and maybe start to make him see that you are serious.

 

I think maybe you could do with a holiday actually as well, but I'm not saying that in a flippant way, I mean it. could you get the children to stay with relatives or take them with you on a holiday? they might also benefit from a break from the home tensions!!

 

maybe he is trying to drive you away in a way that he is turning everything on you? who knows. it all sounds rather one sided and a bit calculating and sounds controlling too...even his all male holiday is partially about control because he didn't consult you, I also wonder if it about ego and he want to put you in your emotional

place and second to the fun (visually and in boys banter) that he can have without you, power and control...if anymore happened you would probably be better off not knowing, but I am not suggesting that would happen because I don't know him, but I am trying to discuss my thoughts (and I can imagine as an adult those same thoughts have not already crossed your mind and the potential for the worst is something as a committed (though unhappy woman) is concerned.

 

I must stress I would give the same answer to you if you were a man, but obviously I would be questioning your wife as it were if the situation were reversed.

 

the one thing I do feel from your post is that for you it is practically over, I think your body is reacting to things that you haven't been able to face and the fact that communication is so poor or when it is there it is so negative or you have to keep battling to get heard is not something that suggests your OH will put his share into counselling

 

I think you should actually talk briefly with the other man, not any personal details about what is going on, but just be honest and say to him things are tricky and you're going to need some space to work things out, why not tell him that you are attracted to him but it won't help things if he is in the background at this time is he prepared to respect that? if he is then he will respect you and will understand and at least know what is going on and why, and you will be able to know if he feels the same way and is capable of waiting for you to be properly available.

 

your husband sounds a bit childish and insecure and I'm wondering if he is wants you to end this but wont or can't talk so the anger and frustration is causing him to lash out further at you.

 

I think you should let him sort himself out and do your own thing (as best as you can with a family) and if he doesn't want to sort this out then get professional advice, get support from those you know well love and trust and consider the changes this will make and then speak with your husband; what you don't want is to be dumped in a situation with no home and children that have not been thought about or supported etc...but that where the professionals will come in.

 

GOOD LUCK, of course the choice is yours, but if it was me in your shoes I wouldn't want to waste any more time with a person like this.

 

you need to be able to talk to someone in a relationship and you need to feel that you are loved. if your family children and extended family are also coming second best to his moods and likes then I'm not sure this can go anywhere other than downhill.

 

have you spoken to a close family member or would that be difficult or do you think they would be biased one way or another. would talking to a helpline anonymously help to hear the views of someone that listens to lots of similar type problems?

 

I guess the bottom line is do you love this man? could you still love this man? have you recently asked if this man still loves you?

 

whatever you do, I hope you get more than you are getting at present, because you do deserve better than what is being offered to you at the moment.

 

only one person should be making you happy here in the situation, but if he can't even be bothered and if his not bothering to love you and this has been going on for years (and shows no sign in the next month or so of change) then I think it's time for you to make the changes you need to do to start making you happy again and be you again).

 

but do talk to the other man, what you don't want is to lose a relationship (a bad one) but to also rob yourself of the potential for a future happier one with someone that listens to you, cares about you (and if he loves you, then sounds already like he respects you enough to give you distance from your partner...he talks to you already and sounds more mature etc...

 

just don't rush things until you have spoke to people who can help with the bigger issues if you need to leave him and find out financially what that means for your home, children and finances etc...

 

TAKE CARE AND LISTEN TO YOUR HEART IN ALL OF THIS! YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS....if he wont take responsibility for you or his family - ditch him, or separate for a while.

[Marc878]

I think you need to be more direct with your H. Don't sugar coat this. Men for the most part are dumb about these things.

 

Do not bring another man into your marriage at this time. It sounds like you already have started an EMotional Affair. That will just make a bad situation worse.

[Sweetness2018]

Thanks all for your thoughts.

 

I feel a bit better for hearing other views. Ive spoken with my family and they will support me in whatever i decide.

 

We definitely need a proper conversation which im hoping to try and have later.

 

My friend is aware of the situation and has been great the last few days by listening and checking in to check im ok but trying not to really get in the way.

[somanymistakes]

You need to find out how your husband feels about the prospect of divorce, or of working on the marriage.

 

Don't just tell him vague things like that you "need to find yourself". Be very up-front that you are thinking about divorce. He needs to clearly know what's at stake here.

 

If the marriage is not abusive and both parties are willing to TRY to sort things out, it is generally better to at least attempt counseling first. A lot of times people have fallen into a rut of not communicating well. An outside opinion can help you both work out what you actually want out of the relationship, and whether it's practical to get or not.

 

In the end, if you are sexually repulsed by him and don't feel emotionally supported by him, it may come to divorce. But don't jump ahead too fast! It may also be fixable, with enough impetus for both of you to really re-evaluate yourselves and reconnect.

[Jessa2009]

i dont have any advice for you.... but i am in the EXACT same boat as you (minus the talking to another guy... i have guy friends, but nothing like what i think your talking about).