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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 31st January 2018, 5:50 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by lil hoodlum View Post
So what is more important to you, being happy or staying for money and convenience?

I know which I would choose. You only live once ZoeyLane.
Yes, I know!!! But what if I leave and I am still unhappy. What if I leave and I am more miserable!

I am just so scared to be a parent on my own. I am scared to fail my son. If I were childless it would be a no brainer!
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Old 31st January 2018, 8:50 PM   #17
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Wow, Zoey, this is so challenging for you.


I guess what you don't want to be is the person involved where the 3rd party evolves to make your choice FOR you.


It's nice to be motivated by your own rekindled feelings about another person (the 3rd party), but when, say, you start impulsively following that 3rd party, and become sexually entwined with them, and only then race back to your home to begin retroactively negotiating ground rules or the like, for your marriage, it can be a tangled mess.

But the problem with that is, that you just won't motivate yourself to do anything new, or anything for yourself unless inspired by outside elements.


It IS possible, and probably within the range of realistic, that you could know a sexless marriage at home AND be allowed to go out and share physical intimacy with SOMEone... (what we'll call) successfully... and do a lot more thriving on most fronts.

You DO recognize the appeal in some areas of your husband, and if he is that on-the-ball in other ways, he in turn likely recognizes that it isn't unheard of that you should desire intimacy in much the same way known to the rest of society.

But if you sit down and be frank and fair with him, while negotiating this release for yourself, it has to be much better than to pass the (years) waiting for the (sexually assertive force) which will eventually lure you away from your marriage (potentially with false hopes of forever )).

I'm certain that you DO deserve much more than you're getting, and that as a woman you have a far better chance to make such an odd-seeming arrangement workable within your marriage.


Were your issue merely a box on a tax form, I and others would surely check the box and advise you "just divorce him already and be done with it"... but this seems more near to an issue of your needing to be convinced to be fair to yourself than it is about your husband being such a bad guy, or directly harming you, to where urgency is important.


I just... ultimately... sense that you are going to feel better about yourself if you slowly steer your life toward being more fair to you.


There are indeed a whole lot of people out there who are just festering within relationships and waiting ONLY for some other force to come along and woo them beyond their boundaries... cuz that's the only way they're ever going to initiate changes in their lives. Then they'll find themselves in new relationships only to repeat the same cycle over and over again.

Your own at-home negotiations with your husband, about your upcoming sexual freedom will go better in both your mind, and his, when you do NOT have some frothing man eager to get into your pants as you each await only your husband's timid "ok".

And for having secured that "ok" first, you will probably know an automatic upgrade in the sort of male partner you'd find... just by the way you would then present yourself to the world.

Why don't you spend some free time crafting just the sort of a written personal ad you might post, if wanting to communicate to prospects that you are married, with many of the things you'd always wanted, but that your (asexual) husband has now consented for you to go outside the marriage for physical interaction?

Just see what you come up with, in the way of those written ads.

And when it comes time to post the ad somewhere, know that such an ad written by a woman brings with it the certainty of scores of replies, which you can sift through with eager anticipation at some point in the not-so-far-off future.


And if this sounds waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too far beyond your comfort zone, maybe it is a strong hint that you should be planning for divorce.

The clock keeps ticking on our lives, and so many of us just sit here...
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Old 31st January 2018, 10:37 PM   #18
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Do not do any of those suggestions.

Wait. There will be another Romeo.

Your son is 3, he will not need daycare once he is in school. Sit down and make a plan with your husband for a amicable divorce in 2 or 3 years. Set up a college savings plan. If he is good a father as you say, then you two can save a lot in 12 years. If you maintain a good relationship with your STBX then the single parenting will be sooo much easier. Do not fear. Once he is firmly in elementary school, separate and live your life. Have your cake and eat it later.

Be patient, but firm. You are only 35. This marriage did not turn out the way you wished but you have plenty of life to live. Do this the right way and your life will be easier.

Been there done that.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 31st January 2018 at 10:43 PM..
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Old 31st January 2018, 10:44 PM   #19
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I know this might sound dumb so forgive me.

I've been turned down and neglected sexually for years that it's done a lot to my self esteem.

I'm tiny 5'2, 112lbs. I've always been thin and used to have ex boyfriends always wanting sex. I've had multiple partners in my youth and always had guys interested in me.

When I was 22 I got a boob job and it was great. I've recently had my boobs removed because they were quite big for my small frame and I was scared to be pregnant and have them be GGG cup or something crazy like that.

So since I've had them removed my boobs look pretty bad, especially compared to before when they were a D cup. It's made me pretty insecure. But again, even when I had a D cup my husband still wasn't interested in sex.

Anyway the whole point of me going into this much detail is that I haven't been intimate with anyone else since I've had my son and I've had my implants removed. It's making me feel so insecure about taking that leap.

This guy that I mentioned earlier... he likes me. But I just know him a little bit. I see him during my lunch break at work on occasion.

I'm sure most guys wouldn't care about how my boobs look and I'm sure they look okay. I just miss my fake boobs.
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Old 31st January 2018, 10:50 PM   #20
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I dated a woman that got breast implants while I was dating her. To tell you the truth, I thought she looked better before the surgery.

Personally, I like the natural look.

I think you are being a little hard on yourself.
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Old 31st January 2018, 11:11 PM   #21
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Here's your advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZoeyLane View Post
I need advice, help, or some uplifting stories. I feel so lost and confused at the moment. I don't know what to do or what the right choice is.

A little background is that I am 35 years old, have been married for 5 years, together for 9 years. We have a 2 year old son, almost 3. We both work full-time, and ever since we had our son our relationship has changed for the worse.

I am so unhappy and I know that my husband is unhappy too. I feel like I am no longer in love with my husband, but stay for my son and for the convenience. Truth is I am scared. Scared to be a single parent. I never wanted to raise my son in a broken household, but I feel so unhappy with my current situation. I keep thinking it would be better to do it now when my son is still little, than to wait till he is older.

I feel like my marriage is doomed, and I don't see how it can be repaired at this point. The main issue for me is that we have zero intimacy. And when I say zero, I really mean zero. I consider my husband to be asexual. He has no interest in being affectionate or sex in general. This is nothing new, he has always been this way.

We have had countless fights over this issue, and it never changes and it just causes a huge fight whenever I bring it up. We have gone to marriage counseling once over this issue and we stopped going because I felt like it was too expensive, and there was nothing I learned that I didn't already know. That my husband has no need for affection or intimacy. That he is perfectly happy living like roommates.

He rather stay up late after our son goes to bed to pay video games or pay magic the gathering on his phone, then spend quality time with me. I was a fool who thought things would change so I married him and had a son. I regret that decision so deeply now, because it's a lot harder leaving when kids are involved.

I feel so stuck. We own a house together so we would have to sell the house. Since we work in the same area we share a car, so I would have to buy my own car. I've been looking at apartments and financially I know I could do it on my own. But there are financial obligations that will suffer. I grew up poor and one of my fears is being poor again. My son now has everything he needs, and we're able to save every month for his college.

If I were to leave, that would have to stop, we couldn't financially afford two households on top of daycare costs and saving for his college. This makes me feel selfish because I want to be able to give him a good start in life.

I keep thinking if I just stay and deal with it my son will have college mostly paid for and grow up with all his needs and wants being provided. If I leave it will be a struggle but I could make it work.

There is a guy I am currently interested in but he knows I am married with a kid so I am sure it won't go anywhere, but the fact that I can have feelings for someone else is making me question staying in this marriage.
Ok, so you married him thinking it would change? So, lesson learned right? I get it. I'm waiting on things to change in my own relationship too and just haven't made the move to leave yet. Your son is only 2 and you have plenty of time to make college work. He might not even want to go to college either so don't hold up how you truly feel by letting this stop you or making an excuse to stop you. Third, you cannot make a solid decision about your future when someone else is involved. It blurs the real picture of how things need to be before getting into another relationship.
I'm saying this because I am 43. I have two kids, 21 and 17 and have been married twice. First husband passed away at 32 and I remarried 8 months later to someone I was already talking to. He and I were caught up in the newness of our relationship and married too quickly. Now, we are both miserable because we didn't deal with things from the past effectively. I am currently still in this marriage for convenience and it sucks! I want to move out and this isn't the first time I have felt this way. My friends are tired of hearing about it, so I know it's time I do something to really change things. Time for me to put myself first for a change. Kids have a way of making us put ourselves on the back burner, when in all reality, we need to be happy and healthy to set the example. Just my two cents, but stop making excuses and do not see anyone else during this time.
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Old 1st February 2018, 12:19 PM   #22
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Sounds like you are still young, which means you already have more time than me at mid life. I married after an abusive relationship to a good, decent, caring, hard-working man whom I never acknowledged that I had no strong attraction for. We raised our children together and had a good life and got through a lot of stuff together.

I have been considering divorce for at least 9 years. There is never a right time. I don't want to hurt him, the kids were being raised, I didn't want to struggle alone with half the $ that I have now. I worried I would fall for a jerk again and on and on.

I still contemplate to this day but I don't have the issue of my husband ignoring me, but he doesn't need or want sex like I do. So, we talked and try and try and now he has ED due to what I think are the stressors of putting out there our differences and my desire to possibly divorce. I have stated my feelings quite a bit in the last few years. I wanted to give him a chance to state his and see if we could salvage things, so we continue to work on it but honestly I want out.

FEAR. Fear keeps us stuck. My kids are grown now...the guilt doesn't go away not wanting to break up the idea of the perfect family. I also did not have that and wanted so badly to have that for my children.

So, fast forward your life...you stay and stay and your son is grown. You deny how you feel and don't get what you need. Your son grows up seeing a family where his parents don't have affection. That isn't right, is it?
You worry about finances and not being able to contribute to college. You can make it on your own and both you and your husband can contribute what you can, separately to his college fund.

Family trips...those are great but how will you really feel? Will you laugh and hug and communicate or just focus on your son? He will pick up on this stuff, especially as he gets older. We teach our children how to be in relationships.

You can have a great time with him on vacation and so can your husband.

Write down everything that is preventing you from ending this. For everything you write down, write a counter solution. Sounds un-emotional but I think you need to take your past hurts and needs and wants out of the picture.

You've made a life for yourself, you made a decision to marry and it was what you needed at the time. It doesn't look as fulfilling as you had hoped, so why beat yourself up?

It has been said that the only marriages are ones that last a lifetime. I don't believe that is true. You have had what you have needed in some respects but in others you have denied yourself just because you had a child.

Lets say you trust yourself enough to walk away and continue to provide yourself and your son with what you really need? Don't you think you and he would be better off?

Why wait this out and be miserable? Don't wait like I did, it doesn't get easier, it just doesn't.

Consider counseling and dig deep. Your son will be o.k. It may even be easier while he is so young. "If you stay, you know what you will have. If you go it's unknown but the possibilities are endless."
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Old 1st February 2018, 12:24 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ZoeyLane View Post
I know this might sound dumb so forgive me.

I've been turned down and neglected sexually for years that it's done a lot to my self esteem.

I'm tiny 5'2, 112lbs. I've always been thin and used to have ex boyfriends always wanting sex. I've had multiple partners in my youth and always had guys interested in me.

When I was 22 I got a boob job and it was great. I've recently had my boobs removed because they were quite big for my small frame and I was scared to be pregnant and have them be GGG cup or something crazy like that.

So since I've had them removed my boobs look pretty bad, especially compared to before when they were a D cup. It's made me pretty insecure. But again, even when I had a D cup my husband still wasn't interested in sex.

Anyway the whole point of me going into this much detail is that I haven't been intimate with anyone else since I've had my son and I've had my implants removed. It's making me feel so insecure about taking that leap.

This guy that I mentioned earlier... he likes me. But I just know him a little bit. I see him during my lunch break at work on occasion.

I'm sure most guys wouldn't care about how my boobs look and I'm sure they look okay. I just miss my fake boobs.
We all have insecurities about our bodies. I've had 3 kids, not young anymore but I get hit on all the time. A man who cares about you will love your body. But, if you feel that insecure, take some of your divorce money and get a reasonable boob job, not a size that is out of proportion to your frame. I know several women who said I need some work if I am going to get back out there. I don't think that is always necessary or true but if it's something you feel strongly about that may help you feel better, then go for it.
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Old 1st February 2018, 5:14 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by SincereOnlineGuy View Post

The clock keeps ticking on our lives, and so many of us just sit here...
Yes, this! Thanks so much for your reply.

I hate that I can't seem to just leave on my own unless I have something else lined up. I know I should do what is best for me, regardless if I am dating a guy or not.

And the more and more I think about it, this fear I have of being alone is just ridiculous, because I ALREADY FEEL ALONE!!!

I think my fear is more towards my son. How will he adapt with us being separated, I know he would be just fine since he is only 2 (soon to be 3).

But it's more of this idea that I had in my head of providing him with this perfect family. You know, I didn't have that. And my biological dad wasn't in my life, and my stepdad was strict. I never wanted that for my son, but I know that my husband will always be a good father to our soon no matter what. I know I won't have to do this alone.

I need to sort out my feelings and figure out what to do. I do want to sit down and have a serious talk with my husband, I am still (sort of) holding on to hope that we can come up with some sort of compromise over our lack of affection. But I know I've tried before and nothing ever changes. But I have never brought it up to him in terms of "this needs to change or else I need to leave".
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Old 1st February 2018, 5:16 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by MidlifeMama View Post

You've made a life for yourself, you made a decision to marry and it was what you needed at the time. It doesn't look as fulfilling as you had hoped, so why beat yourself up?
I really like this perspective, thank you! You're absolutely right. I just have this fear that no good man will want me if I am divorced with a son. I know it sounds ridiculous and it's not true. I know there are a ton of great single men out there that will also be divorced with kids.
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Old 1st February 2018, 5:18 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by MidlifeMama View Post
We all have insecurities about our bodies. I've had 3 kids, not young anymore but I get hit on all the time. A man who cares about you will love your body. But, if you feel that insecure, take some of your divorce money and get a reasonable boob job, not a size that is out of proportion to your frame. I know several women who said I need some work if I am going to get back out there. I don't think that is always necessary or true but if it's something you feel strongly about that may help you feel better, then go for it.
Thanks, I don't agree with your friends. Don't do any changes to your body. I would've been better off if I just left my boobs the way they were. I have destroyed them myself with my implants. Once they were removed they look like deflated balloons. My boobs were perfectly fine and big before I decided to get a boob job (and I was encouraged to do so by an ex boyfriend)
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Old 1st February 2018, 5:21 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by Cullenbohannon View Post
Do not do any of those suggestions.

Wait. There will be another Romeo.

Your son is 3, he will not need daycare once he is in school. Sit down and make a plan with your husband for a amicable divorce in 2 or 3 years. Set up a college savings plan. If he is good a father as you say, then you two can save a lot in 12 years. If you maintain a good relationship with your STBX then the single parenting will be sooo much easier. Do not fear. Once he is firmly in elementary school, separate and live your life. Have your cake and eat it later.

Be patient, but firm. You are only 35. This marriage did not turn out the way you wished but you have plenty of life to live. Do this the right way and your life will be easier.

Been there done that.
Thank you for your response. I know 35 is still young, but I feel like my youth is slipping away. You're right that once my son starts school we should both be able to save for his college just fine.

I freak myself out when I calculate what college will cost in 2033 when my son is 18. It's an estimation of like 250K which is just so crazy! Right now we have saved 11K, and I still feel like we're not currently saving enough, but we're trying!

My brother said to me in regards to saving for my son's college that I have no obligation to save for his college. If I can't save the full amount, he will have to take out loans just like everyone else (I did for my college) and he will be fine and figure it out.
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Old 1st February 2018, 10:01 PM   #28
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You are just so young...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZoeyLane View Post
Thank you for your response. I know 35 is still young, but I feel like my youth is slipping away. You're right that once my son starts school we should both be able to save for his college just fine.

I freak myself out when I calculate what college will cost in 2033 when my son is 18. It's an estimation of like 250K which is just so crazy! Right now we have saved 11K, and I still feel like we're not currently saving enough, but we're trying!

My brother said to me in regards to saving for my son's college that I have no obligation to save for his college. If I can't save the full amount, he will have to take out loans just like everyone else (I did for my college) and he will be fine and figure it out.
You are just so young... I just had to jump in here...

Yes you are young and the best part of your life is before you, and you need to understand that.

I think there are several things, fears really that you need to understand and get over.

1) There is not god given right for any child to have his collage paid for, none. In fact, I think people, like me, who paid for it themselves appreciate it more. My children are also paying for their own school. It makes them more grown up and not waste time.

2) You don't need to worry about not finding someone when you leave. It will not be a problem. You need to worry about picking the RIGHT one for you and your son. TAKE YOUR TIME, or you will be right back where you are now.

3) Your husband is gay, he really is and you are a beard, or he is asexual. It really does not matter. No sex in a romantic relationship is unacceptable. In fact I would say that bad sex is also unacceptable. So take your time to learn about sex with the right man/men and know what you want when you decide to get married again.

4) Don't live in fear of leaving. I could go on and on about this one, but suffice to say that this marriage is dead, and there is a lot more out there that you have no concept about at your young age. Take your time but be brave.

I spent 26 years in a horrible marriage for all the "right" reasons, I was a fool.

Don't be a fool...
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Old 18th March 2018, 2:59 PM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ZoeyLane View Post
I need advice, help, or some uplifting stories. I feel so lost and confused at the moment. I don't know what to do or what the right choice is.

A little background is that I am 35 years old, have been married for 5 years, together for 9 years. We have a 2 year old son, almost 3. We both work full-time, and ever since we had our son our relationship has changed for the worse.

I am so unhappy and I know that my husband is unhappy too. I feel like I am no longer in love with my husband, but stay for my son and for the convenience. Truth is I am scared. Scared to be a single parent. I never wanted to raise my son in a broken household, but I feel so unhappy with my current situation. I keep thinking it would be better to do it now when my son is still little, than to wait till he is older.

I feel like my marriage is doomed, and I don't see how it can be repaired at this point. The main issue for me is that we have zero intimacy. And when I say zero, I really mean zero. I consider my husband to be asexual. He has no interest in being affectionate or sex in general. This is nothing new, he has always been this way.

We have had countless fights over this issue, and it never changes and it just causes a huge fight whenever I bring it up. We have gone to marriage counseling once over this issue and we stopped going because I felt like it was too expensive, and there was nothing I learned that I didn't already know. That my husband has no need for affection or intimacy. That he is perfectly happy living like roommates.

He rather stay up late after our son goes to bed to pay video games or pay magic the gathering on his phone, then spend quality time with me. I was a fool who thought things would change so I married him and had a son. I regret that decision so deeply now, because it's a lot harder leaving when kids are involved.

I feel so stuck. We own a house together so we would have to sell the house. Since we work in the same area we share a car, so I would have to buy my own car. I've been looking at apartments and financially I know I could do it on my own. But there are financial obligations that will suffer. I grew up poor and one of my fears is being poor again. My son now has everything he needs, and we're able to save every month for his college.

If I were to leave, that would have to stop, we couldn't financially afford two households on top of daycare costs and saving for his college. This makes me feel selfish because I want to be able to give him a good start in life.

I keep thinking if I just stay and deal with it my son will have college mostly paid for and grow up with all his needs and wants being provided. If I leave it will be a struggle but I could make it work.

There is a guy I am currently interested in but he knows I am married with a kid so I am sure it won't go anywhere, but the fact that I can have feelings for someone else is making me question staying in this marriage.
Lol I love the last few sentences here. There's a guy you're interested in. That's the exact source this is all steming from.

Could you leave your whole family and be single?

Would you destroy what you built to be single?

Probably not.

But you would for a fantasy.

I'd say solve the problems with your husband and jump start your marriage. Cut off the other guy.

Good luck.
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Old 18th March 2018, 3:03 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by Happy Lemming View Post
Bring it up again, but not in an argumentative state. Calm and peaceful...

I "dated" a married woman whose husband lost interest in sex. He told her to go out and find someone to "play" with and she found me (through a friend of a friend). OMG, I had a blast!! She hadn't had sex in over a year, and boy did she make up for lost time. We enjoyed each other (at my home) for about 6 months, then her husband seemed to regain his desire to touch her, so we stopped seeing each other. I lost track of her after that. I'm hopeful she is happy, wherever she is.
Yuck. My bad, that's just the opposite of my value system. Hope you're happy wherever you are.

Back to my coffee.
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