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From Complete Devastation to Hope and Relief

Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 29th January 2018, 6:55 PM   #1
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From Complete Devastation to Hope and Relief

A little bit of history first. My wife (we aren't divorced yet, we just made the decision a few days ago) and I have been together for 10 years and have 2 awesome kids together. We have been through some rough patches just as all marriages, but one thing that really stands out as the main defeater to our relationship is slapping her 4 years ago. Please don't guilt me here, I've been through 4 years of it from myself. She forgave me while I actually insisted on leaving (fear of doing it again). I decided to stay.

Fast forward to 4 years later, and all of the other things added on, maybe next worst being my baggage of bringing my previous wife's persona of being a liar and notorious cheater into many aspects of this 10 year marriage, and things have just finally started to be too much for my wife. She hasn't felt comfortable around me for a long time despite her efforts, and I've had serious insecurity issues from not only my past marriage (even though my wife now is not at all that type of person), but from knowing what I did to her 4 years ago and feeling like a failure myself and that at some point she'll realize she deserves better. So, sounds like a pretty legitimate reason to call it quits after really giving it considerable effort? We both think so, and I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at myself.

Here's the thing though. I was so devastated moments after the decision and at least two days since. So bad that I had to get someone at work to cover my shifts (they just went through a split with kids too). I even did the whole grieving stage of trying to bargain with her for one more chance when I knew good and well I didn't really even want that chance as it's been coming this whole time, and I sincerely feel like she deserves at the very least a prolonged amount of time separate from me to regain her trust and comfort, especially since we are going to be co-parenting and support each other the best we can in that endeavor. But after a couple days of that turmoil, and even still having thoughts pop up from time to time about us years from now getting back together (followed by a swift thought of no way, or no sense in even thinking that far ahead), I just feel hope and relief.

Of course I am looking forward to growing and learning from my grave mistakes with this marriage, and looking forward to some serious character building since I've spent 10 years moving where my wife needed to be for school and hustling for money doing all sorts of jobs (and no I don't regret that, it just is what it is). I'm just curious if others had this sense of relief during grieving and how long it lasted? I'm assuming it won't last long, especially considering we are still under the same roof (although barely see each other) and when we aren't we will not always have the kids at our own places (doing joint-physical custody). I just remember my last marriage of only 2 years having at least a solid week of the chest tightness, stomach on the fritz and random breakdowns. Is this possibly just a fluke thing, or could it be because we have sort of seen it coming and are being logical and whatnot about it?

Any replies are much appreciated, it really helps talking!
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