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Going to try for separation again.

Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 20th January 2018, 1:10 AM   #1
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Going to try for separation again.

Been married 37 years and have two grown children. My husband and I have had a very rocky marriage the entire time. He has OCPD with an eating disorder and I'm just tired of us living two separate lives under one roof. I had decided to leave a couple of years ago but while I was trying to make the arrangements to do so, my mom passed away. This woman was my rock. Shortly before she passed away my brother's wife also passed away. My brother has severe paranoia issues and is of low IQ. So I put my plans on hold to handle keeping him on track mentally, handling the estates of my SIL and my mom, etc. Just now beginning to see the light at the end of estate tunnels. During this time, my husband made a few changes in the way he speaks to me - a bit more kind but we still do not have any common interests other than our grandchildren. His OCPD makes him controlling in many areas and I'm just tired of giving in on things that are important to me. Such as:

I love animals and want an indoor cat/dog - he doesn't 'allow' them in the house.
He is completely obsessed with hunting/fishing/guns, etc. - Has over 20 guns in this house. Broke his pelvis in a motorcycle accident this winter and still can't ride in the car for over an hour but he's going duck hunting.
He has an eating disorder of sorts - refuses to eat anything at home unless he caught, shot or grew it himself. Will not go out to eat or do anything I that I want to do such as a day trip bc he might have to eat in a restaurant.
He owns 5 boats - for hunting/fishing - none for pleasure for the family. He owns a 4-wheeler and a bicycle that get my place in the garage despite my having severe arthritis and it hurting terribly to deice my car in the morning. I've never once parked under cover. The other half of the garage houses his prize possession truck - you know the one that's too good to drive. A 93 with less than 50,000 miles on it and I get yelled at if I drive it. He also has another truck that he does drive. All this and yet I can't have a cat!!
When our youngest daughter turned 12 and was too old for afterschool care and not responsible enough to come home by herself, he and I discussed my working part-time. I was concerned bc if I did this I wouldn't have a good retirement plan. He and I agreed that this wouldn't be a problem bc his parents are fairly well-off and I would have half of this inheritance. When his dad died and he inherited his father's estate, he put it all in his name and didn't even bother to tell me that I now have no inheritance. I feel very betrayed.
He has no compassion for living animals. I can understand hunting to keep the deer population down and to provide SOME meat to eat. But he drove up one day and found a stray dog in our yard that resembled one that was reported to be attacking other animals. So he immediately shot the neighbor's dog. I had already been out to investigate the dog and it was scared to death of me. All he would've had to do was say come here boy and he would've known that this was not the dog. Instead of telling our neighbors that he mistakenly shot their dog, he just threw it in the creek behind the house.
Several months ago I told him that I had some concerns about our marriage and asked him to go to counseling with me. He said he would think about it. I've mentioned it to him again and he just got up and walked out of the room. Through the years, I've been to counseling so much that I know unless WE go together my choices are to stay and be miserable or leave. I guess I'm leaning toward leaving. I make around $35,000 a year and have no retirement so my plans of traveling during retirement are going out the window.
So now to get copies of the financial records made and pictures of the possessions so that I do at least get half of what is ours.
My self-esteem is shot. So please be kind with any comments or suggestions that you may have for me. I have no idea how to go about doing this.
Thank you for providing me with a place to vent.
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Old 20th January 2018, 9:26 AM   #2
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I'm sorry about the family deaths you have endured & wish you well helping your brother.

As for your divorce gather up copies of all the important financial documents, including the titles to his boats. You can let him keep them & all the firearms in the divorce, but know the values of those expensive assets.

Go see a lawyer & talk about the requirements for a divorce in your area. You probably have to live separate & apart for some time before you can file.

Talk to your adult children about what's going on.

Get a therapist or get hooked up with a divorce support group. Even the smoothest divorce has emotional consequences. You will need an outlet.
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Old 20th January 2018, 12:55 PM   #3
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He sounds like a nightmare. That incident with the dog was horrible as well.

His behaviour is totally selfish and I'd rather be alone than with him tbh.
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
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Old 20th January 2018, 1:09 PM   #4
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I'm sorry you're married to such a jerk . Best wishes for rebuilding your life <3.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 8:01 AM   #5
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Hi amelia, what a terrible nightmarish life you've been living! 37 years is such a long time to put up with such a selfish person. Has he always been like this? What was it that drew you to him in the beginning? What do your kids have to say about him and what is their relationship with him and separately, with you? Can you move in with your father or your brother to be able to save a bit on rent?

How old are you and your husband? From all that you've written it seems you've always been submissive to your husband. He seems to get away with whatever he wants and you have not really put up a fight for your rights. I cannot imagine why you allowed h to put both his vehicles in the garage and made you park your car outside in the open. Also, I am surprised that as a man he does not offer to de ice your car knowing you suffer from arthritis. He sounds as if he is almost inhuman. You would be well served to ditch him and live your life on your own. Also make sure you get your fair share of your marital property when you divorce. Others on here will give you good and pertinent advice on how to go about your divorce but divorce you must. There is not a ray of hope in your situation. Wish you the very best.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 5:41 PM   #6
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I met him when I was teen. I think I knew all along that this was not the right relationship but my parents seemed to think it was good for me and back then, at least in my family, you did what your parents wanted. They are both gone now but before my mom passed, she was seeing that side of him and while she never said it, I think she wanted me out. I could not ever move in with my brother - he abused me when I was a teen. He was addicted to drugs at the time and I've forgiven him but we are not close nor will we ever be.

I tried to talk with him Saturday night about some of these issues and the need for counseling. His response was that he loves me and he has been trying to be better (and he has). He no longer speaks as harsh to me as he once did. Anyway his response to our conversation was to spend the day together at the lake looking at the nesting eagles. We did and we had a good day but it doesn't change the problems.

My youngest daughter is her father's biggest defender despite how angry she is with him over the money issue. She sees how much he has changed in recent years - for the better actually and she feels that I should hang in there. Maybe he will continue to change. She's the daughter that lives her and would be the one I would look to for support this and I'm sure it would not be there. I don't think she would support her father either. She would just try to stay out of it and I do understand that.

My oldest daughter lives 5 hours away at the moment. Her husband is military and they are scheduled to move 2000 miles away in a few months. They are having marital problems of their own so I wouldn't want to go with them and add more stress. Although, I wouldn't completely rule it out about going with them. I'm positive I could get a job there but the cost of living is much higher than the increase in salary I would receive.

I'm not a person to be controlled. I pick my battles and I have fought the whole garage thing for our entire marriage - I just don't win. I don't have keys to the 4-wheelers, boats and stuff he puts in there. So I can't move them. I have broken the rules and brought my cat into the house as he was getting older - drove my husband nuts but the minute I would leave, he would put the cat back outside. Didn't matter that the cat was 19 and in kidney failure and it was 100 degrees outside. So I won't get another one bc I don't want to subject the animal to the lack of compassion it would receive from him.

I have no friends left bc they are tired of seeing me like this. So I'm pouring my heart out to strangers on a chat forum. I do appreciate your responses and I listen to them. Thank you.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 6:49 PM   #7
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I think if you did the research and legal consultation d0nnivain recommended, you'd feel seriously empowered and more optimistic about the future. To me, it's a mistake to involve your adult children for "support" or living quarters, they've got their own lives and associated problems.

A lawyer would advise you there are more options - financial and otherwise - than you think. Knowledge is power, never more true than for you...

Mr. Lucky
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." - Epicurus
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Old 23rd January 2018, 8:55 PM   #8
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Quite honestly, I don't know how you have lived with this man for 37 years. I don't think that I would stay wih him for 37 days.

The story about the neighbours dog is very disturbing. Lack of compassion and hurting animals is one of the most common indicators of sociopathic behavior.

You have received some good advice here, talk to a lawyer and begin to make your plans. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage.

Last edited by BaileyB; 23rd January 2018 at 9:06 PM..
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Old 23rd January 2018, 10:00 PM   #9
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Hi Amelia, thanks for stopping by
You certainly have a right to be happy in your life and
it sounds like you are the giver and your husband is
the taker.
Does your husband realize that if things don't change
you will start making your own plans.
I don't wish to be judgemental about how your husband
lives his life but shooting that dog like that is
downright shameful.

Maybe it's time you do what's right for you?
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Old 23rd January 2018, 10:19 PM   #10
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I'm not going to repeat everything else that has been written...

But I do have one question, why does he need 5 boats?? I know men like toys, but isn't one toy at a time, enough??

My neighbor has a boat, two travel trailers, several box trailers, multiple dirtbikes and never utilizes any of them. They just sit in the yard, doing nothing.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around this...
All of my posts are my opinion based on my own experiences. Feel Free to disagree with me, this rodent has thick skin.
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Old 24th January 2018, 3:00 AM   #11
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Hi Happy, why don't you borrow your neighbour's dirt bikes or his trailers once in a while and go have fun? You'd be doing him a favour by keeping them serviceable and have some free fun yourself. I'm sure he wouldn't be a dog in the manger and not lend them to you. I guess I'm just making light of a curious situation. Some folks just like to collect things because they can.

Amelia, folks on here have given you some sterling advice about your situation. From all that you have written I am still convinced that you are submissive by nature and 37 years of putting up with your husband's bullying has left you bereft of any emotional and mental resoluteness in dealing with unpleasant matters head on. However, for the sake of your own mental well being you have to tighten your belt and just move out of this toxic situation. To me it seems that you have gone along with what others thought you should do and how you should conduct yourself. You have never really been your own person and everyone has taken advantage of you because of that. It's time you struck out on your own. Warm wishes.
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Old 24th January 2018, 6:14 AM   #12
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Wow...your spouse has some major narcissistic and other physiological issues and sounds extremely dangerous. The dog incident is extremely disturbing. I'm not sure he can be helped enough to make him a suitable spouse.

Do not separate, divorce....and run.
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Old 24th January 2018, 1:38 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi Happy, why don't you borrow your neighbour's dirt bikes or his trailers once in a while and go have fun?
Because I don't like him and he doesn't like me... Moreover, I doubt the dirt bikes run and I don't trust the tires on the trailers. After sitting so long, I'm sure they are dry rotted.

He had a dead 4 X 4 "mud truck" in the yard, but I think he gave up on that and it went away.

I know I'm getting off track with my original question, but I thought there might be a "Why", because I just don't understand having all these multiple toys.

For the OP, 5 boats just seems overly selfish, in my opinion.
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Old 24th January 2018, 3:25 PM   #14
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My God,
I don't even know what to say. HUGS!! I left an abusive relationship in my early 20's. It was very difficult but it is possible. It is! Seek legal counsel. Get all paperwork together necessary. Deeds, mortgage info, take pictures of all of his assets. Not sure where you live but having been married this long, you are likely entitled to half. You will also be entitled to half of his social security. So retirement may not be as doom and gloom as you think.

Look into a support group. Tell someone you trust what is really going on in your home. He may be someone who retaliates in violent ways. I hope not. I hope you remain safe. File quickly and leave the home to a safe place while in the process of divorce, if you are able to. Go live your life with cats and dogs and peace.

There is no need to get anyone's approval to leave this type of man, no even your kids. PLEASE take care of yourself and know that it is o.k. to go to do you now!! Best of luck!
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Old 25th January 2018, 11:25 PM   #15
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5 boats? well, he bought one when our children were little and he 'needed' a bigger one for us to go fishing as a family. He still has that one but never uses it bc it's too big now since it's just him going fishing so he had to buy a smaller fishing boat. He wouldn't sell the bigger one bc he's expecting to take our granddaughter fishing and will want the bigger one. So two for fishing. Then he needed a different type of boat for duck hunting. He loaned one of his buddies some money and the boat was collateral. The buddy is now a drug addict and he did sign the title over to my husband. The fifth boat is a canoe that a co-worker gave to him for us to use in our farm pond. We've probably had it 15 years and its never once been in the pond.
I think some of this comes with the OCPD that he has. Some of them have hoarder/collector tendencies as part of the obsession part of the mental illness.
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